Fifty Shades of Grey 'aka' Fifty Shades of What the hell is this?
I'd like to start this review out on a serious note. I confess that I am quite disturbed that this book/series is being promoted as "romance". Nothing could be further from the truth. The character of Christian Grey is abusive, manipulative and above all controlling. This is what most people would classify as prima facie domestic abuse. I'm not just talking about the sex aspect (and to be honest I have no problem with BDSM). He dictates what she wears, what she eats and who she sees. I spent a few years watching someone very close to me suffer through an abusive relationship and learned more about the dynamics than I ever wanted to know. Domestic abuse isn't just about physical violence or emotional abuse. It is first and foremost about control. Complete and utter control of the victim, in which the abuser will act in whatever way they deem necessary to keep their victim under the thumb. If it pleases them to be nice, they'll be nice, often showering the victim with gifts. If the victim leaves, the abuser will follow in stalker-like fashion to bring them back. Sometimes they'll put on a kicked-puppy act, begging and pleading the victim to "come back" or "don't leave me, I love you!" It's a vicious cycle, that if allowed to play out, all too often ends up with the victim, usually a woman, dead. When I was watching one of these relationships in action, my husband and I used to sit and wonder if one day we'd be getting a phone call in the middle of the night to say he'd finally gone too far and had stabbed or beaten her to death. I can't imagine what she felt. I would not wish that sort of relationship on anyone. This is Christian Grey, as he is portrayed in the books. His behaviour is excused because he was abused as a child. I disagree with that, however traumatic a childhood you had does not give you license to punish and abuse women. And this is what is being passed off as romance. Although it has been dubbed as "mommy porn", you just know that younger girls are picking this up and reading it, getting the idea that this is what romance and the ideal partner should be. It isn't and it's reprehensibly irresponsible for the author and the publishers to promote it as such.
As for the rest of my review, I'm gonna have to borrow a gif format I saw on Goodreads because there is no way I can find all the words to express my feelings about this literary abomination.
I read parts of it online, mostly because I wanted to see what all the hype was about. Well now I know.
Where to even start? There is nothing about these books that isn't just wrong or flat out atrocious. I've seen high school sophmores come out with better, more profound things than this tripe.
Pete and repeat are sitting on a fence...let's start with the grammar and repetition that runs rampant through out all three novels. Sentence fragments, run-on sentences and a plethora of "holy crap", "jeez" and "oh my gods". *weeps in frustration* I will be more than happy to buy a thesaurus and post it to EL James post haste if I thought it would spare the world any more of this writing that amounts to week-old tripe.
I've already articulated my less-than-complimentary thoughts on Mr Grey, now it's Anastasia Steele's turn. Well here she is:
Naive, hopeless, insufferable bimbo is almost kind. She has no idea what the hell she wants in a man, except to trip into the first bed of a man with money and a big dick. Even at the expense of getting her ass beaten till she can't sit down. Like Christian Grey, she remains two-dimensional throughout the books. Character development is worse than non-existent, it's actually flatter than yesterday's roadkill and with less charm.
And in what universe is dialogue between characters really that bad? Ana and Christian stutter through these books "murmuring", "whispering" and "muttering" to each other. I'm actually surprised they managed to hear each other given that they never seem to get above the decibel level of a mouse squeaking. "Meaningful dialogue...what's that?"
A large part of the problem with these books is that they are written in first person, meaning we all get to hear Ana's whining, tedious inner monologues while Christian is ordering her about or screwing her. Her subconscious apparently never shuts up, as does her inner goddess. And she bites her lip. A lot.
According to Ana, Christian also appears to know everything there is to know about anything. Including wine. A small point considering the pile of fail that these books are but I'm pretty sure my amateur sommelier keeled over and died when he sat there telling Ana that a Pinot Grigio would go well with whatever main course they order. He couldn't be more wrong. Pinot Grigio is a light, fruity, citrus-tasting wine and most definitely will not go well with any sort of red meat. If that's what he's after, a Pinot Noir might be more in the right direction, though not perfect. Oh yeah, Christian certainly knows it all. Or not. In fact, abusive and misogynistic behaviour aside, he's actually laughably stupid.
And I haven't even touched on the sex yet. Lord, help me, the sex scenes. I have to wonder if EL James ever gets any sex, or whether she is actually a newly pubescent girl who has never even seen genitalia. Ana continually refers to her vagina as "down there". Down there. It's a vagina and you are supposed to be a grown woman, say it! And let's not forget "my insides are dancing the merengue". What. the. holy. flying. fuck?!
Keep in mind this is supposed to be a hot, sexy man who engages in BDSM. She refers to him as a popsicle. Sexy. Ooh baby baby[sarcasm]. And not just any popsicle, he's a "Christian Grey-flavoured popsicle".
It gets worse if you can believe that. When he's not sticking sex toys in her and not sanitising them afterward
or turning her ass into a raw side of beef for disobedience, he's engaging in what I call 'blood sport'. Observe: "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what! And...gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."
If a guy wants to have sex with a girl while she's on her period, fine. Yippe-kay-yay, saddle up and all that shit. What I don't need is to read about said guy pulling out her tampon. That's not sexy, it's not erotic, it's just kinda gross. And I still haven't worked out why women the world over are practically wetting themselves over this stuff.
Let's move on shall we. Inevitably Christian knocks up our dear heroine because he doesn't like using condoms. Birth control is solely Ana's domain because he should be able to do as he pleases with no obligations or responsibilities. So she forgets once, gets pregnant and then tells him she's expecting. He, of course, goes pretty much insane. He slams doors, rages on the furniture (although it's pretty obvious he'd really like to hit Ana herself) and subjects her to verbal abuse. Of course it's all her fault that she's pregnant. And she accepts this.
As it turns out Christian has a thing for kids. Or maybe they have a thing for him. I can't exactly tell. In one memorable scene (that I'd actually rather forget), Ana offers up her son's fingers to Christian, who then sucks on them in a lascivious manner. There was also the scene where Christian and Ana's unborn daughter is moving around in her uterus after sex and Christian remarks that he thinks "she likes sex already". Seriously. His unborn daughter is into sex already. He seems overly pleased about this and it's fucking creepy. And while we're discussing Ana's pregnancies, there was one sex scene where Christian is flogging her pregnant stomach. Hmm. If she likes whipping, whatever. But I would have thought that whipping one's pregnant stomach would run the risk of inducing a miscarriage? Oh yeah, that's really sexy.
And those are just the bits I read. I didn't read the whole thing, I just read what excerpts I could find online. No way in seven hells would I pay for that. I'd now like to leave some messages with certain people.
To the people who say I don't like this book because of the sex: It's not the sex, I can assure you of that. I like reading erotica occasionally. I even read stories where the characters are sold as pleasure slaves and contain dubious consent. The difference is that it's marketed that way, as captive stories and dubious consent. It's not marketed as romance, like 50 Shades is.
To the people who say I don't like this book because I'm jealous of how she got published/because she's rich: That's not it. Not it at all. I actually like fanfiction. Not Twilight fanfiction, but generally I'm cool with it. I've even read a few that I would like to see get published. And I'm certainly not jealous because she's now rich. I only need to make enough money to be more or less financially secure and have other things to amuse me that don't require millions and millions of dollars.
To EL James, who wrote this literary travesty:
I assume at this point people will be wanting brain bleach. I do too, but I think it may take more than that:
I can't believe this book is a bestseller. I can't believe that there are millions of women who think this is good literature or even halfway decent erotica. It isn't. What's also equally obnoxious is being told by these women that I have to give it a chance for the plot to get moving. There is no plot. I think it's irresponsible for people to tell these women that this is a love story. It isn't. And even those who recognise Christian's abusive tendencies say it's "one of the greatest love stories out there". Newsflash, you cannot change someone's abusive cycles by loving them, it just doesn't work like that. The message that Ana changes Christian's repugnant behaviour with her love alone is both false and dangerous.
But hey who the hell cares about that?! It makes money and that's all that matters. So much money that they're going to be making a movie. Yep, this tripe is going to be coming to the silver screen. I just can't with this shit anymore...
As for the rest of my review, I'm gonna have to borrow a gif format I saw on Goodreads because there is no way I can find all the words to express my feelings about this literary abomination.
I read parts of it online, mostly because I wanted to see what all the hype was about. Well now I know.
Where to even start? There is nothing about these books that isn't just wrong or flat out atrocious. I've seen high school sophmores come out with better, more profound things than this tripe.
Pete and repeat are sitting on a fence...let's start with the grammar and repetition that runs rampant through out all three novels. Sentence fragments, run-on sentences and a plethora of "holy crap", "jeez" and "oh my gods". *weeps in frustration* I will be more than happy to buy a thesaurus and post it to EL James post haste if I thought it would spare the world any more of this writing that amounts to week-old tripe.
I've already articulated my less-than-complimentary thoughts on Mr Grey, now it's Anastasia Steele's turn. Well here she is:
Naive, hopeless, insufferable bimbo is almost kind. She has no idea what the hell she wants in a man, except to trip into the first bed of a man with money and a big dick. Even at the expense of getting her ass beaten till she can't sit down. Like Christian Grey, she remains two-dimensional throughout the books. Character development is worse than non-existent, it's actually flatter than yesterday's roadkill and with less charm.
And in what universe is dialogue between characters really that bad? Ana and Christian stutter through these books "murmuring", "whispering" and "muttering" to each other. I'm actually surprised they managed to hear each other given that they never seem to get above the decibel level of a mouse squeaking. "Meaningful dialogue...what's that?"
A large part of the problem with these books is that they are written in first person, meaning we all get to hear Ana's whining, tedious inner monologues while Christian is ordering her about or screwing her. Her subconscious apparently never shuts up, as does her inner goddess. And she bites her lip. A lot.
According to Ana, Christian also appears to know everything there is to know about anything. Including wine. A small point considering the pile of fail that these books are but I'm pretty sure my amateur sommelier keeled over and died when he sat there telling Ana that a Pinot Grigio would go well with whatever main course they order. He couldn't be more wrong. Pinot Grigio is a light, fruity, citrus-tasting wine and most definitely will not go well with any sort of red meat. If that's what he's after, a Pinot Noir might be more in the right direction, though not perfect. Oh yeah, Christian certainly knows it all. Or not. In fact, abusive and misogynistic behaviour aside, he's actually laughably stupid.
And I haven't even touched on the sex yet. Lord, help me, the sex scenes. I have to wonder if EL James ever gets any sex, or whether she is actually a newly pubescent girl who has never even seen genitalia. Ana continually refers to her vagina as "down there". Down there. It's a vagina and you are supposed to be a grown woman, say it! And let's not forget "my insides are dancing the merengue". What. the. holy. flying. fuck?!
Keep in mind this is supposed to be a hot, sexy man who engages in BDSM. She refers to him as a popsicle. Sexy. Ooh baby baby[sarcasm]. And not just any popsicle, he's a "Christian Grey-flavoured popsicle".
It gets worse if you can believe that. When he's not sticking sex toys in her and not sanitising them afterward
or turning her ass into a raw side of beef for disobedience, he's engaging in what I call 'blood sport'. Observe: "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what! And...gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."
If a guy wants to have sex with a girl while she's on her period, fine. Yippe-kay-yay, saddle up and all that shit. What I don't need is to read about said guy pulling out her tampon. That's not sexy, it's not erotic, it's just kinda gross. And I still haven't worked out why women the world over are practically wetting themselves over this stuff.
Let's move on shall we. Inevitably Christian knocks up our dear heroine because he doesn't like using condoms. Birth control is solely Ana's domain because he should be able to do as he pleases with no obligations or responsibilities. So she forgets once, gets pregnant and then tells him she's expecting. He, of course, goes pretty much insane. He slams doors, rages on the furniture (although it's pretty obvious he'd really like to hit Ana herself) and subjects her to verbal abuse. Of course it's all her fault that she's pregnant. And she accepts this.
As it turns out Christian has a thing for kids. Or maybe they have a thing for him. I can't exactly tell. In one memorable scene (that I'd actually rather forget), Ana offers up her son's fingers to Christian, who then sucks on them in a lascivious manner. There was also the scene where Christian and Ana's unborn daughter is moving around in her uterus after sex and Christian remarks that he thinks "she likes sex already". Seriously. His unborn daughter is into sex already. He seems overly pleased about this and it's fucking creepy. And while we're discussing Ana's pregnancies, there was one sex scene where Christian is flogging her pregnant stomach. Hmm. If she likes whipping, whatever. But I would have thought that whipping one's pregnant stomach would run the risk of inducing a miscarriage? Oh yeah, that's really sexy.
And those are just the bits I read. I didn't read the whole thing, I just read what excerpts I could find online. No way in seven hells would I pay for that. I'd now like to leave some messages with certain people.
To the people who say I don't like this book because of the sex: It's not the sex, I can assure you of that. I like reading erotica occasionally. I even read stories where the characters are sold as pleasure slaves and contain dubious consent. The difference is that it's marketed that way, as captive stories and dubious consent. It's not marketed as romance, like 50 Shades is.
To the people who say I don't like this book because I'm jealous of how she got published/because she's rich: That's not it. Not it at all. I actually like fanfiction. Not Twilight fanfiction, but generally I'm cool with it. I've even read a few that I would like to see get published. And I'm certainly not jealous because she's now rich. I only need to make enough money to be more or less financially secure and have other things to amuse me that don't require millions and millions of dollars.
To EL James, who wrote this literary travesty:
I assume at this point people will be wanting brain bleach. I do too, but I think it may take more than that:
I can't believe this book is a bestseller. I can't believe that there are millions of women who think this is good literature or even halfway decent erotica. It isn't. What's also equally obnoxious is being told by these women that I have to give it a chance for the plot to get moving. There is no plot. I think it's irresponsible for people to tell these women that this is a love story. It isn't. And even those who recognise Christian's abusive tendencies say it's "one of the greatest love stories out there". Newsflash, you cannot change someone's abusive cycles by loving them, it just doesn't work like that. The message that Ana changes Christian's repugnant behaviour with her love alone is both false and dangerous.
But hey who the hell cares about that?! It makes money and that's all that matters. So much money that they're going to be making a movie. Yep, this tripe is going to be coming to the silver screen. I just can't with this shit anymore...