[FIC] Red Flags
Title - Red Flags
Author -RiaStarStruck
Rating -NC-17 (adult)
Warnings -unbeta’d, I think I got a bit comma happy at times too, sorry. Threesome, VAM/NOVAK -you have been warned
Summery -“ The first time it happened they were drunk, big surprise. It was clumsy and sloppy and hot as hell.”
Disclaimer -I don’t own any of the people featured in this story, any products or brands. I own only the order of the words and the overall plot. I also have no money.
Authors Notes - so I set myself a challenge to write some sex, because I’m not overly confident at it or really very good, so I figured (eight months ago) that I would write a PWP, I also somehow decided that it would be a threesome, with Novak of all people, still not sure how that happened but it worked.
What started out as porn soon however developed a bit of a plot, and sadly a large dollop of angst, because I seem unable to write something without that.
Please read and comment, as that is what makes all writers happy!
The first time it happened they were drunk, big surprise. It was clumsy and sloppy and hot as hell.
They stumbled all over each other as they fell into the hotel room somewhere in Europe; a tangle of tattooed limbs and filthy liquor stained clothes. Ville lounged across the bed, jeans sliding low and t-shirt riding up an effortless, languid ease which sometimes seemed supernatural. His hand rubbed lazily at the strip of tattooed skin which was revelled; fingers tracing without needing to look the loose curling lines of dark flesh which dipped beneath the barrier of his pants and the hem of his top, fluid, effortless and hypnotising. Novak eyed it absently as he slumped along the bottom of the bed watching the proceedings with lazy, hooded eyes.
Bam was wandering around the room, shedding his shoes and shirt before unloading the mini bar, hands filled with small glass bottles that clinked and knocked together, the universal sound which, without fail, signalled the beginning of an interesting, hazy adventure. He watched as Bam turned flamboyantly towards the bed, grinning as they both eyed the drinks hungrily as he held his arms out to his side like a figure of Christ. Bam swaying towards the bed fumbling over his own feet as he moved with the faux fluidity and grace of a drunk “Fucking little bottles; don’t see why they can’t just give us proper ones.” He stumbled over his own discarded shoe and Novak laughed a sharp burst of sound which seemed swallowed up in the noise of the empty hotel room as he fell across Ville’s prone body, not moving once he had landed, simply settling himself back more comfortably against the Finish singer.
“Bam-Bam give me a drink.” Ville grabbed lazily at Bam's naked chest while Bam grinned wickedly, holding the bottles out of Ville’s reach. “Baaam!” Ville whined, his accent was thicker when he was drunk, deep and rough. Novak watched amused as Ville’s blindly grabbed for the drinks, before quickly changing tactic and dragging his nails across Bam's bare chest in one breathtakingly slow swipe across the expanse of skin, leaving blossoming pink lines from nipple to hipbone. Bam stilled entirely, his smile shifted and his tongue snuck out to wet his lips before shaking his head and shifting minutely against Ville who pulled himself up to lean against the headboard.
Bam passed Novak half the small bottles and continued to hold his own fistful away from Ville’s searching reach. “Bam...” Ville's voice changed, becoming deeper and lower Novak saw Bam's hands shake as a thin tattooed arm reach around him to tweak a nipple viciously. Bam jerked like he’d been electrocuted and pushed back against Ville's chest just as Ville moved his own legs swiftly. Novak blinked slowly and his drink addled mind realised Bam was now sitting comfortably in Ville’s lap. Smooth move he couldn’t help but admire.
Novak met Ville’s gaze over Bam's shoulder, his green eyes were sharp and clear, completely at odds with the drunken whine he was speaking in. His gaze trapped Novak and he knew suddenly that this was only going to escalate ‘leave now, or you won’t be able to’ they seemed to say and Novak licked his suddenly dry lips, weighing his options.
In his heart he knew the decision had already been made. The twisted and strange had always attracted him, it’s what got him into so much trouble when he was younger, why it was so easy for him to sink further and further into the life of a junkie.
“What’ll you do for it?” Bam teased, his eyes were glassy and his breaths were getting shallower. Ville made a sound low in his chest and pouted over Bam's shoulder, his eyes fixed on Novak, there was a wicked twinkle in the green depths and a smile curling sinisterly on the corners of his lips.
“Anything.” He growled directly into Bam's ear and Novak watched fascinated as Bam's whole body seemed to convulse at the low rumble. Bam's eyes flickered around the room before resting on Novak. He blushed and Novak was struck by how utterly bazaar this situation really was, he had a feeling it was only going to get stranger. Ville nuzzled Bam's neck distracting the skater as Ville's eyes caught Novak’s widened eyes again; his tongue flicked out to touch the tanned skin of Bam's neck and Novak couldn’t seem to look away.
Ville had always conjured images of brothels, seedy sex fetishes and illicit encounters in Novak’s mind, draped in velvet and silk and all the more perverse for it. There was a fascination he had with the Fin which drove him to study him, the sway of his hips the roll of his shoulders, everything about him seemed designed to capture your interests and make you questions yourself. He knew that his fascination was only a scratch on the surface of what Bam felt for him, and in a way he pitied him for that, his life would never be the same now that he had met Ville Valo.
“Kiss him.” Bam's voice was scratchy and he shifted his hips minutely. Ville's hands rested on his upper thighs and squeezed at the words, Novak didn’t know if it was a warning or encouragement.
Ville chuckled deep in his throat; the sound was completely different to his usual joyous geeky laugh. It was like Ville was two different people sometimes; the powerful and predatory singer who owned the stage, and the usual slightly geeky man he was the rest of the time.
His hand rose off Bam's shaking thigh and gestured in a fluid movement for Novak to come closer. He was on his knees before he even thought about it. Ville smiled and there was a curious thrill that ran through his body at the predatory smile that crept across his lips.
Bam shifted to the side to make room for him and Novak had enough time to swallow thickly and a twinge of doubt to appear in his mind before his mouth was claimed in a hungry, possessive kiss and his mind went completely blank. Ville was a good kisser, a firm mouth and lips soft as any girls’, he tasted like whiskey and cigarettes -something his usual partners didn’t taste like. He felt the air being sucked from his lungs as he was kissed roughly, the singer taking control from him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Bam watching them avidly, his chest heaving as he panted, eyes fixed on the pair he was pressed between.
Ville pulled back with one final flick of his tongue which made Novak shiver embarrassingly. He had enough time to gasp a lungful of hot, hotel room air before Ville was tilting his head with a single finger to face Bam, who kissed him eagerly, tongue delving into his mouth hungrily as though he was chasing Ville’s taste.
Ville was firm control and wicked precision while Bam was wet hot eagerness. When Novak kissed Ville he felt like he was being pursued, seduced, he felt heavy with the eroticism of the Finish singer. But with Bam he felt like a teenager again, sharing drunken sloppy kisses under the tutelage of a more beautiful; more experienced man. It made him feel dirty and hot and excited as all fuck.
They kissed for a while more, clumsy hot kisses with wet slick tongues and rough grasping hands. His top was pulled over his head and he pulled away to watch as Ville's slender hands wandered Bam's chest tweaking nipples and alternatively scratching and caressing patches of his tattooed torso. Bam seemed to press into each touch instinctively like a cat, eyes fluttering closed and mouth forming sounds he wouldn’t let escape.
Ville was watching them through his lashes as they kissed and panted. Novak realised he’d shed his own shirt already, without him noticing. He was paler then the both of them, their bodies were toned and tanned from years of skateboarding, littered with as many scars as tattoos. Whereas Ville’s slender pale chest seemed other-worldly, with his complex and intricate tattoos dark against the translucent, unblemished skin. Novak was impressed with the power he portrayed despite his smaller stature, something Novak would never really believe as possible if he hadn’t been experiencing it first hand, at least not to this level.
Novak was hard in his jeans, the zipper pressed roughly against the tender overheated flesh; he sifted restlessly wanting more but contending himself for now with watching and stealing demanding kisses from his friends. Bam was hard too, shifting backwards against Ville rhythmically, tossing his head and shifting between kisses as he tried to push against the noticeable bulge in his jeans, only to have Ville slap his hands away each time.
“Ville...” Bam whimpered pathetically, pulling away from Novak’s lips with a groan; his hands clasping Novak’s shoulders tightly as he pushed down roughly into Ville. Novak watched captivated and felt his own cock throb in sympathy as Ville's eyes rolled back and his jaw slackened at the move.
Ville grabbed at Bam's hips roughly stilling him before moving his hands to rest on the front of Bam's jeans, making his eyelashes flutter. Ville kept his hand pushing down in an unmoving pressure, making Bam groan and jerk his hips violently in search of friction.
Bam pulled Novak into a sloppy desperate kiss more teeth and tongues then lips and no finesse at all. Novak watched through heavy lidded eyes as Ville sucked a couple of his own fingers into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks luridly as he watched them. He winked before the hand was disappearing out of view and Novak felt Bam still suddenly and he pulled away to watch.
Ville's hand was sliding down the back of Bam's loose pants; Bam panted heavily as he strained to keep still like there was some rule he was following that Novak didn’t know about, thinking about it there probably was.
Novak could imagine the feeling of those fingers against hot skin, as Bam shivered minutely he imagined he could feel with absolute detail as the slender calloused fingers descended. Bam’s eyes clamped shut and his mouth fell open suddenly as a low keen erupted from his mouth and Novak knew Ville had found his goal.
Novak took a moment to be surprised that Bam liked anal penetration, something he’d always associated with the camp gay boys he’d seen around with their manicured hair and girls clothes, he didn’t think about it long, his ability to accept blindly what as in front of him let him grow distracted by the rising blush on Bam's cheeks as he clawed desperately at his jeans undoing them and pulling them down roughly as he raised up onto his knees in clumsy desperate jerks. Novak pushed the discarded bottles aside and shifted across the bed as he watched with a twisted fascination as Ville's hand disappeared beneath Bam's body.
Bam was moving again, rolling his hips and jerking back down onto Ville's fingers in jerky motions as his slack mouth let pathetic keening sounds into the heated room. He frowned, licking his lips and pushing back harder on the thrusting digits. A blush was rising on Ville’s cheeks and he was swallowing convulsively as he watched his fingers disappearing inside Bam's body. Novak pushed Bam's hands away from his shaft firmly, earning him a hissed ‘Arsehole!’ from Bam and a nod and a blown kiss from Ville. Novak’s own breath was becoming ragged as he watched the pair, fire spread through his body. He looked up from the wicked long fingers when Ville pushed a third finger in, making Bam moan and convulse long and loud. Novak’s eyes met Ville's glassy gaze staring back at him.
“How selfish you are Bam.” Ville’s hand stilled completely, stopping all thrusts suddenly and Bam swore as he tried to rock back on the now still hand.
“Ville fuck, please, I’m close.” Ville was smiling at Novak over Bam's shoulder, a wide grin like a shark.
“Yes, you are.” He murmured hotly and Novak felt it in his balls. “But we have a guest.” He traced his tongue along a trail of sweat that ran down Bam's shoulder blade before continuing. “Make him cum.” His voice was like steel and Novak felt a submissive part of him he didn’t knew he had jerk to attention. Bam growled and pushed futilely back against the still fingers again before leaning forward and fumbling Novak’s pants open. The room air caressed his now freed cock and made him shudder, then Bam's calloused fist was wrapped around him and tugging roughly; chasing the cool air away and Novak had no choice but to moan and thrust into the firm grip. It was rhythm-less and rough but he didn’t care, enjoying the rough contact against his sensitive member. He watched Bam's back arch as though in slow motion through the haze of red hot desire which had settled around him, he was leaning forward, resting on one hand and his knees as he thrust back onto the now slowly moving fingers and jerked Novak off desperately like he no doubt wanted to do to himself.
Ville's hand reached forward like a snake, wrapping his hand around Bam's slowing the pace, building a slow tempo that made Bam buck and moan as Ville leant forward and kissed Novak over Bam's arching back. When they pulled away he watched fascinated as Ville rose up onto his knees forcing Bam forward onto his elbow, his hand still tight around his dick. Bam wobbled and steadied himself with his forehead against Novak’s thigh.
Ville leant down to kiss Bam's nape gently before speaking hotly into his hair. “Make him cum, and you can.” Bam groaned and Novak felt it reverberate through his thigh and up through his dick. Ville pulled Novak back into a hot angry kiss and he felt himself being lost in the firm control and warm heat.
A slick wetness slid along his dick and he jerked back with a gasp. Ville smiled wickedly and ran his fingers through Bam's hair, pulling roughly making Bam moan along Novak’s shaft.
“Fuck...” Novak growled; Bam looked up at him and grinned quickly before licking from base to tip in one wet slide. Ville licked his own lips watching hungrily, he’d started rubbing against Bam's arse, his fingers thrusting roughly into Bam's hole, his palm slapping against his cheeks with wet sounding claps as Ville's own jean covered cock rubbed roughly, pushing Bam forward against Novak’s cock with each thrust. He could feel his orgasm building quickly and he thrust against Bam, revelling in the licks like fire along his overheated flesh. He groaned long and loud into the room when he felt his orgasm rock down his spine and out through his cock. Bam closed his mouth around the head just as his orgasm hit and sucked. Novak’s eyes rolled back at the hot wet suction and spasmed into the mouth.
When the shocks began to die down to shivers he looked down and was met with the bright blue eyes of his best friend as he licked the last drops of his cum which had escaped his mouth. His eyes were bright and Novak thought he might have been laughing in accomplishment if his mouth hadn’t been otherwise occupied.
In a move too quick for Novak’s climax muddled mind to follow Ville had reached around Bam to clasp his weeping cock and pulled him back into a crouch as he impaled him roughly with his fingers. Bam's head rolled back on to Ville's shoulder and a loud moan came from deep inside him. Ville's cheeks were red and his eyes were blown and glassy as he hissed into Bam's ear in a noise more a growl than a voice.
“Cum.” He commanded and Bam did.
His body stilled before a great shiver ran though his entire being seeming to start at his very core, Novak watched as Ville's fist cupped the head and Bam's hands fluttered pointlessly, not knowing what to do in the chaos of climax.
Bam fell with a roll onto his back and reached up to deftly undo Ville's jeans, not bothering to pull them down just reaching in and pulling out Ville's swollen cock. Ville growled like an animal and pushed himself roughly between Bam's sprawled thighs as his hand joined Bam's on his dick. With three rough tugs he was cumming across Bam's tanned skin, Novak got the distinct impression he was marking his territory, a primal act which seemed to suit this animalistic side of Ville. He fell forward, collapsing beside Bam's sprawled form with a huff. He ran his cum covered hand down Bam's stomach and pelvis, onto Bam's dick which he tugged once and huffed a laugh as Bam thrust into it.
“You’re such a slut Bam.” Bam grinned lazily and ran his hand down his chest, fingering the drops of cum with a dopey look on his face. They fell asleep like that, covered in cum and sweat sprawled across the still made hotel bed.
~*~
Novak woke with a throb behind his eyes and the taste of dead animal in his mouth. There was an arm wrapped around his waist and a head of tousled brown curls resting heavily on his shoulder. He stared blankly at the curls for a moment before blinking slowly as awareness began to creep in. He jumped when he saw Ville sitting against the headboard watching him.
“He won’t wake up for at least another five minutes, so if you wanna move it’s gonna be difficult.” Novak wondered how many times Ville had sat up to watch Bam sleep to know his patterns so well.
“Not a dream then?” Ville bared his teeth in a grin.
“Dream about us often?” Novak winked exaggeratedly and Ville laughed. It was his hiccupping, geeky one, the sensual, sexual predator of last night seemed to have gone.
“I don’t need to ask you not to tell anyone do I?” Ville was fiddling with a cigarette but watched him closely. Novak shook his head and Ville nodded once. He wondered if Bam knew how Ville looked after him and his reputation. He doubted it; Bam for all his posturing and experiences was ultimately a bit naive. “Missy...?” Ville frowned and looked away.
“Doesn’t know.” Bam chose that moment to groan and press closer to Novak. Ville put his unlit cigarette aside and leant forward to land a swift slap against Bam's upturned arse. The sound was like a clap in the still room and Bam jerked up suddenly. “Bam get up, you stink.” Novak laughed and Bam growled, throwing himself back onto the bed freeing Novak who rolled clumsily out of the bed and escaped to the bathroom and had a shower, the water burned his skin and turned it pink and tender to the touch, he didn’t mind.
~*~
It happened again three months later, a house party at Castle Bam. Novak wanted to convince himself he hadn’t noticed the pairs’ disappearance or that he was looking for them, but Novak had never been a very good liar, even to himself.
Ville was lounging against the headboard again, naked skin flushed and glittering in the light from the bedside table, Bam was between his legs, his head nestled in Ville's lap, allowing Ville’s hand in his hair to guide his movements. Their actions were languid and slow, as though they had all the time in the world. Novak stood in the doorway for a moment, watching as they grunted and panted, seeming to fill the room; Ville’s gentle murmurs and scent of cigarette smoke cloaked the darkness and Novak pretended he didn’t notice how Bam and Missy’s wedding photo lay face down on Missy’s side of the bed.
Ville licked his lips when his gaze met Novak’s, he gestured with his head and Novak found himself closing the door with a silent click behind him. Ville pulled Bam off his cock and laughed when Bam let out a whine and tried to pull against the hand back to the cock in front of him.
“Darling, we have a guest.” Bam's body stilled and Novak saw all the muscles in his back tense as he turned to face the doorway. He relaxed when he met Novak’s gaze and a lecherous grin spread across his child-like face. With another gesture from Ville Novak was moving forward into the room, kicking away discarded clothes as he walked towards the bed. “I think I want him to fuck you Bam. I think that will be fun.” Bam shivered; eyes wide and he licked his lips as a blush spread across his cheeks. Ville pulled Novak forward and guided him into a rough kiss, without missing a beat Bam leant forward and unbuckled his belt and set about pulling his pants down, kissing his chest wetly and laughing when Ville pulled away from Novak’s mouth with a wet sucking sound.
Novak let them undress him, allowed familiar hands to wander over his exposed body. They seemed to work effortlessly together, the additional body in their bed proving no more a problem than finding a spot to slot him in. Ville instructed them from his lounging position at the head of the bed, he spoke in calm, soothing tone with a thread of steel ringing through -Ville didn’t need to raise his voice, his calm reserve seemed to command more obedience then any shouts ever would.
When Novak slid into Bam with no more preparation then putting on a condom he marvelled at the slick tight heat which surrounded him already prepared and he wondered absently how long they had been up here. Novak was no stranger to anal sex, he was many things in bed and he could convince his partner to do just about anything with the right word or look or story. Novak knew sex, it was something he understood and knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was good at it, despite the years of drugs and hard drinking he wasn’t messed up everywhere, his partners always left happy, returning to their lives and probably never telling a soul about their night with him. Some of the girls had boyfriends, some had jobs and or degrees, some wanted to touch his fame and some just wanted to be held, to not spend another night alone, Novak didn’t mind, he enjoyed sex and the warmth of a shared bed in the night reminding him he wasn’t dead yet.
Novak rolled his hips and alternated between sharp direct thrusts and torturously slow withdraws. He watched dazed as Bam held on to Ville’s dick as he panted into the older man’s thigh, Ville was stroking Bam's curls, licking his lips as he watched Novak murmuring filth into the quite room; the sounds of the party down below muffled by distance and thick walls. It somehow seemed more illicit knowing that there was a crowd of friends, family and fans just downstairs no one aware of the unlikely threesome going on above their heads.
Bam was moaning, pushing himself back onto every thrust, allowing Ville to guide his mouth back to his dick as Ville murmured dirty commands and praise, Novak pushed on, he’d never be a rockstar or reach the fame and fortune that Bam had, but he could fuck, he was good at it, and he would make damn sure he made it worth remembering, so if one day years from now this story came out on some radio show or some interview Bam or Ville would tell it with a laugh and remember it fondly.
Bam came sobbing around Ville’s dick and Novak thrust in punishingly a few more times, eyes locked with Ville’s before emptying himself into the condom, his spine seizing and the world going still and silent for an endless moment as he felt his bones melt and his heart miss a beat. As he pulled out he watched fascinated as Ville thrust harshly into Bam's throat forcing his dick all the way in and Bam just took it, his eyes closed as though in ecstasy saliva dripping down his chin. Ville came silently, his head thrown back and his hand fisting in Bam's curls, Novak watched transfixed and he remained at his post on the foot of the bed as the two rearranged themselves on the bed in a tight embrace.
He escaped to the bathroom, pants and shirt clutched in his hand as he tried to be quiet. At the doorway he glanced back and saw Ville watching him, his arm curled instinctively around his lovers’ waist as Bam held onto the smaller frame. Their eyes met and Novak saw something in the shadowed green orbs, a tightness around the eyes which was a paradox with the sated, heavy expression on his face. Novak closed the door on their silent perusal, unwilling to examine it too closely, scared of what he might find. In the murky half darkness of the bathroom one vision was imprinted on his retinas, Ville’s long pale hand curled around Bam's tanned shoulder blade, the bone fit so snugly into Ville's palm and that act, more than the blow jobs and the fingering and the fucking kisses seemed more intimate and private. He didn’t want to know about that, if he could convince himself it as just fucking, just Bam experimenting as was his way he would be able to look Missy in the eye, he may not always agree with her but she loved Bam and was good for him and Novak didn’t think he would be able to lie to her face if he knew they were encroaching on territory which was startlingly close to love.
He rested his hands on the basin, letting the coolness of the porcelain seep into his sweaty palms as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. He lingered on the bloodshot eyes and scruffy stubble; he was pale and sticky from his exertions. He splashed cold water and rubbed it in harshly, as though he might be able to scrub everything else away as well as the sheen of filth.
Watery blue eyes stared back at him dispassionately. He glared at himself before sticking his tongue out. He huffed a laugh and spent a few moment pulling faces, letting his face take on the personality he felt he so lacked sometimes. With a bone weary sigh he splashed his face with water once more before setting about getting dressed. He smelt of alcohol smoke and sex. Sex with men smelt differently he decided absently as he pulled a torn t-shirt over his head realising a half second too late that it was actually one of Bam's, it was muskier somehow, less sweet.
When he returned to the bedroom he paused in the doorway, in the darkness of the room the two figures on the bed took on a pale shine, Novak appeared just in time to see Bam lower himself onto Ville’s dick. In one fluid move Bam swallowed the whole member, his head tilting back and his mouth opening in silent euphoria. As though in slow motion Bam began to fuck himself, his hands rested on Ville’s shoulders, clasping as he raised up and loosening to a shaky contact with each downward stroke of his body their foreheads rested together and they shared breaths as they panted heavy deep pants from somewhere deep inside them.
Novak moved towards the chair next to the bed, tossing some discarded clothes on the ground and settling in, he made no secret of his return and the two men on the bed turned to face him lazy smiles on their faces. He blew them a kiss just because he could, because he knew he had to do something so it wouldn’t feel so much like he was stepping into such a devastatingly personal moment. Bam chuckled quietly but it was broken off when Ville lifted him up and in one fluid movement laid him on his back, taking control. Bam stared up at him adoringly, and Ville seemed unable to look away. Their breaths seemed muted by the intensity, as did the sound of skin hitting skin and Novak felt almost suffocated by the feelings they showed each other, probably without realising.
Novak had never thought of Ville as strong before, he was too thin, his muscles too subtly defined; his hair too long and features too delicate. but watching him here, now, it was impossible to see him as anything but. His muscles flexed and rocked with each sensual roll, his arms caged Bam in, shielding him from the world. Bam’s strength was like a sledge hammer, a full on assult, a display of force -but Ville's was subtle, insidious, you got the feeling he could out stay a rock wall.
He studies them for a moment, the way they curl around each other with practiced intimacy, one subtle shift and their hands were clasped together, fingers interlocking and knuckles white as they held on. Even now, Bam's eyes are sharp and hungry and his grip on Ville is just a bit tighter than it really needs to be. He can see how Bam will never be satisfied, his hunger never sated no matter how close to exposure their secret gets and how Ville needs him just as badly but is afraid that this will destroy them. Bam reached out for him, and Ville watched him carefully, offering him a place in their party, a place in their bed and Novak was tempted to accept, to return to the heady heat and intensity of their affair.
But Novak knows how to recognize a sinking ship when he sees one. They are consumed by their own needs, slavish to their desires and these are things that get called warning signs and triggers and red flag situations in rehab.
Novak has been farther down than either of them. He's six years clean after putting himself back together piece by scarred piece. He knows himself well enough to recognize his own self-destructive behavior. He knows the kind of itching desire that leads to habit, habit which leads to dependence, dependence that leads to death. He's come a long way in not letting anything control him. As tempting as they are, Novak knows how easily he could come to need this, need them. He blew them a kiss flamboyantly as he stood up, ignoring Bam's outreached and moved silently towards the door moving instinctively though the darkness. The bright light of the hallway and the sounds of the party down stairs crashed into the room when he opened the door, breaking into the quiet cocoon of secrets and dependence he cast one look back seeing the bright yellow light illuminate parts of them harshly, leaving the rest in shadows till they looked like some post modernist monstrosity which one of his shrinks had hanging up in their room. He winked at them for effect before closing the door and making his way downstairs to weave his way through the crowd of people still there and out the door into the cool night.
He drove for an hour in a blind stare, his hands shaking on the steering wheel and visions of entwined limbs and clasping hands running like a slide show before his eyes; each time the lights forced him to stop he could feel the doors close in on him, the seat clamped around him and the smell of sex and smoke and alcohol fills his nostrils till he couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t think, he just drove deeper into the night.
~*~
He sat in the back of the group, the watery black coffee cupped in his hands, it was warm against his numb fingers and he focused on that as he sat in silence, hunched in on himself trying to melt back into the hard chair like he was taught to do for the camera so he could look calm and relaxed always. He watched with dead eyes as a procession of strangers stood in front of the group and bared their souls.
Each had their own stories, each had their own tragedies. As the night progressed one stranger after another took their place at the podium, accepting the applause the group offered, the praise and encouragement in drumbeat format. He felt the clamp around his chest lighten and he felt his strained muscles begin to relax with the familiarity and routine.
“You look like you need a friendly ear.” The crowd was milling around, a murmur of voices a hum in the background. Novak turned to the tall man at his side, a built man with an ironed shirt and neatly cut hair. Brandon could see the shadow of dark tattoos under the thin material of his shirt and the shadows in his clear blue eyes, the remains of whatever it was that brought him here in the first place.
“I’m not so sure I know what I’d say.” The stranger smiled, a crooked grin that was friendly and open.
“Maybe if you talk it out?” Novak found himself nodding and they moved to a late night diner down the road.
The lights were garish and bright in the diner, bright yellow that shone harshly across their faces. They sat opposite each other, the sticky slick table between them and Novak drew pictures in the spilled sugar, fingers shaking like when he first tried to quit; while the man Tony looked into his black coffee.
“I fucked my best friend tonight.” It was strange to say it out loud, to admit it. Tony raised an eyebrow but remained silent. “While he sucked off his...” he faltered, what were they? Lovers? Boyfriends? Consorts? “Lover in his wife’s bed.” It sounded ridiculous, unreal told so bluntly. Tony had set his coffee down, his whole focus on Novak now. Novak took a deep shuddering breath and stared into his own coffee.
“When I was on heroin I did a lot of shit. There wasn’t many things I wouldn’t do clean but off my face it was like... like there was absolutely nothing stopping me.” His memories assaulted him, hundreds of things he had buried deep in his subconscious, a million memories of back streets and crack houses, prostitutes and junkies.
“My best friend, he got me out of it, cleaned me up, got me over the hardest parts than booked me into a fancy rehab centre and visited me every visitors’ day.” Tony leant close, understanding in his eyes. He had his own story, maybe different to Novak’s maybe not so different.
“You’re worried you’ve ruined your friendship?” Novak shook his head.
“Nah, nothing like that, we’ve shared fucks before... okay so maybe we’ve never fucked before but it’s not so different with Bam.” Tony got a baffled look on his face and Novak realised how strange that concept might be to someone else. “Bam... Bam does whatever the fuck he wants, and when you live with that all your life like I have you get used to just going with the flow, things make more sense if you do.” He grinned quickly before it fell off his face and a twisted smile deformed his features. “Perhaps not the best environment for an addict.”
“So why did you come to NA tonight?” Novak thought about it, years of being clean, of fighting the urges and slowly the urges had become less painful, less acute and now he had found himself sitting in the hard folding chairs in a church hall again.
“After we’d...” he gestured crudely with his hand and Tony flashed a wicked smile. “I left the room and when I came back they were...” hands clasping, pale skin, thrusting bodies, slow sensual rolls and sharing breaths. “I saw something there, the way they held each other it was...” he trailed off trying to find the words. Ville could conjure images so drenched in debauchery and decadence it would make a priest weep, but Novak didn’t have that talent.”They looked at each other and I saw how desperately they wanted each other, like they couldn’t live without touching, without being as close as they possibly could be. It was like they were in pain, like it hurt to be together but it hurt so much more to be apart.” He ran his fingers through his hair, a tangle of sweat knots and grime. “I know addiction. I know how it reaches into your soul and controls you. I know how it hurts you and fucks you over and how fucking good it feels.” Tony was watching him closely; eyes steady as he clasped his mug tightly in his hands. “I wanted that back, I wanted to feel that... pleasurable pain again and it would have been so easy to give in, to crawl back into that bed with them when they offered, and to fall back into that world. It’s not that big a step from threesomes with married men and rock stars to being on the street again with a needle in my arm.” Tony leant forward over the table top, his hand rested on Novak’s own, it was warm with stolen heat from the coffee and he felt that warmth seep into his cold hand. He hasn’t been warm for the longest time.
“But you didn’t. You left.” Novak nodded, his eyes staring at their clasped hands. He saw where he could be headed right now, saw the filthy streets and hazy rooms full of glowing golden bodies, a warmth which made his scarred and broken body look good again, a world where he was king of the rat heap, where he could live in a hollow empty euphoria amongst the half dead and dying. He felt something in his chest lighten, some knot he didn’t notice before untie, he’d left, he was alright.
A/N Okay so in my mind Novak and Tony form this beautiful (Healthy) relationship and all is golden and good. But I figured why write that!? Because CLEARLY everything I write turns to angst. Seriously, I don’t know how this when from pure smut to... struggling with addiction and despairing at the hopelessness of their relationship.
My favourite part is NA onwards, I think it worked well, lol.
Also not sure why I made Bam such a bottom slut, it’s not the role I usually map out for him, but I have to admit, if there is one person I want to watch beg for cock, its BamBam.
Please comment! I’ve been out of the loop for so long, I need to know if I’ve entirely lost my groove :P