First Final.
I don't understand why every person to whom I've confessed my fears of failing my first final responds with platitudes. "I'm sure you'll do fine." "Look at how much you've studied; you'll do great." I don't consider myself to be the type of person who complains about tests in order to fish for compliments. If I say that I'm worried about an upcoming test, I probably mean that I'm genuinely and completely terrified.
I got this same sort of response when I tried to talk about applying to PhD/MD programs and medical school in general. "Of course you'll get in. You're so smart." Let me tell you, it's not very pleasant to hear a comment like that when you know you've already been rejected from every PhD/MD program, and only one regular medical program has accepted you. Sure, these days, it's an accomplishment to get into medical school at all. But no one says that to me; I have to say it to myself.
So what do I do when everyone tells me I'm sure to do really well on my first quiz, and I only get a 78? And how am I supposed to feel when these same people tell me I have nothing to worry about when it comes to my final? My professors tell me that most people do worse on the final. Who am I supposed to believe?
I just wish one person would say, "I understand how you would be worried about your upcoming final. Medical school is really tough, and it's like nothing you've ever experienced before. Don't be discouraged if you don't do as well as you'd hoped while you're adjusting." I wish someone would hear me when I say that I'm scared, that I don't feel prepared for tomorrow, because I don't know what it feels like to be prepared for a final in medical school. And I'm probably not going to do well tomorrow. If I'm lucky, I'll do a mediocre job. If I'm less lucky, I'll fail. And yes, it really does have a lot to do with luck. When there's so much material to know, you have to study some things less than others. Then you just hope that you and your professors have the same opinions on which portions of the material are important.
Everyone who goes to medical school is smart, knows how to study, and is pretty well motivated. Not everyone who goes to medical school passes. It's not just about being smart. It's about being a certain kind of smart, and about being smart enough for medical school. And while it is nice to know that my friends and family are confident that I have what it takes, sometimes it's very difficult to bear the burden of their implied expectations.
I didn't get into a PhD/MD program. I didn't get into the medical school I'd really wanted to attend. I didn't do well on my first quiz. I'm discouraged. It's not that I don't appreciate everyone's support. It's that I need a different kind of support right now.
Won't somebody, just this once, tell me that it's okay if I fail, even if they don't really mean it?
I got this same sort of response when I tried to talk about applying to PhD/MD programs and medical school in general. "Of course you'll get in. You're so smart." Let me tell you, it's not very pleasant to hear a comment like that when you know you've already been rejected from every PhD/MD program, and only one regular medical program has accepted you. Sure, these days, it's an accomplishment to get into medical school at all. But no one says that to me; I have to say it to myself.
So what do I do when everyone tells me I'm sure to do really well on my first quiz, and I only get a 78? And how am I supposed to feel when these same people tell me I have nothing to worry about when it comes to my final? My professors tell me that most people do worse on the final. Who am I supposed to believe?
I just wish one person would say, "I understand how you would be worried about your upcoming final. Medical school is really tough, and it's like nothing you've ever experienced before. Don't be discouraged if you don't do as well as you'd hoped while you're adjusting." I wish someone would hear me when I say that I'm scared, that I don't feel prepared for tomorrow, because I don't know what it feels like to be prepared for a final in medical school. And I'm probably not going to do well tomorrow. If I'm lucky, I'll do a mediocre job. If I'm less lucky, I'll fail. And yes, it really does have a lot to do with luck. When there's so much material to know, you have to study some things less than others. Then you just hope that you and your professors have the same opinions on which portions of the material are important.
Everyone who goes to medical school is smart, knows how to study, and is pretty well motivated. Not everyone who goes to medical school passes. It's not just about being smart. It's about being a certain kind of smart, and about being smart enough for medical school. And while it is nice to know that my friends and family are confident that I have what it takes, sometimes it's very difficult to bear the burden of their implied expectations.
I didn't get into a PhD/MD program. I didn't get into the medical school I'd really wanted to attend. I didn't do well on my first quiz. I'm discouraged. It's not that I don't appreciate everyone's support. It's that I need a different kind of support right now.
Won't somebody, just this once, tell me that it's okay if I fail, even if they don't really mean it?