(no subject)
five or more years ago I got very aware and conscious of my masks (or complexes of behaviors) and determined to do something about it. within the last five years, less so.
when I say I don't like "me" I often or usually mean the masks. below the mask I have a lot to cope wiht too. the masks, however, inhibit my day to day life to a very great degree.
during the Bad Times I have gotten more, not less, adept at making a wearing these masks. socially they inhibit me. as L said, I exhibit incongruent behavior. non-verbal language does not match words. L picked up on this. a phoniness. (that reminds me of an acquaintance who has taken numerous Landmark courses. his mannerisms.)
in Thailand I had essentially none of that. just me, really, then. and during the worst, most rip-off-a-scab moments of this spring much the same. pure feeling, pure action.
a deep self below all the armoring, that exists, I know that it does. difficult to get to but possible.
I also do not like the lack of control. so I have decided to root these out and return myself to me.
****
how to reconcile the temporal lobe epilepsy with these masks I don't know. thinking I have already put enough engergy into writing or thinking about this for one day.
and something happened. I literally forgot I had an audience for this and the past (filtered, so you may not have read it) entry. I wrote this without any self-consciousness.
when I say I don't like "me" I often or usually mean the masks. below the mask I have a lot to cope wiht too. the masks, however, inhibit my day to day life to a very great degree.
during the Bad Times I have gotten more, not less, adept at making a wearing these masks. socially they inhibit me. as L said, I exhibit incongruent behavior. non-verbal language does not match words. L picked up on this. a phoniness. (that reminds me of an acquaintance who has taken numerous Landmark courses. his mannerisms.)
in Thailand I had essentially none of that. just me, really, then. and during the worst, most rip-off-a-scab moments of this spring much the same. pure feeling, pure action.
a deep self below all the armoring, that exists, I know that it does. difficult to get to but possible.
I also do not like the lack of control. so I have decided to root these out and return myself to me.
****
how to reconcile the temporal lobe epilepsy with these masks I don't know. thinking I have already put enough engergy into writing or thinking about this for one day.
and something happened. I literally forgot I had an audience for this and the past (filtered, so you may not have read it) entry. I wrote this without any self-consciousness.