[one-shot]Moving on therapy
Title: Moving on therapy
Author: ri0tkid
Pairing: Taenysic (OT3)
Type: one-shot
Genre: Angst
Rating: 13
Summary: Is it Taeny? Or Taengsic? I got confused there. Taeyeon-centric? Sure.
Disclaimer: I have this sandwich a while ago, pretty much delicious and enough to fill my moody tummy. And, just like these girls, I do not own it but the kid still gave it to me. Well, he should or else... ;)
You're like a patient. No, not really, but she has been helping you. kind of, helping you ease the pain. You show her a small smile while she drives a fast, roaring, wild yet, sweet voice she has. She's talking about something you're sure of, is about another inspiring story. You're kinda bored but you smile, it's a sweet unvoiced act of how thankful you are to have her. But Tiffany is not a doctor, she is a teacher yet, here she is with another session of your so called, "moving on" therapy.
You remember how your kooky friends made you stop your self-proclaimed and effective ritual of staying in your apartment 24/7 after you break up with Jessica. Isolation was the only and perfect medicine you know but no, they said. Liquor it is! Then liquor you shall, you thought. You remember being drunk and meeting Tiffany for the first time. You can't help but feel shy yet happy as you remember the image of you, slurry walking and holding her hands, shouting "She's not you! She's not you!" And as much as you wanted to feel some physical pain that time, you secretly thanked the heavens that she didn't freak out and hit you.
The light feather touch of Tiffany on your skin brought your senses back together. You realized that she's stopped talking and is now, looking at you with such enthusiasm and wonder, like you're a piece of artwork and she's seeing the picturesque behind it. You touch her hand and intertwine it together with yours, you like feeling the softness and the feeling of her palm pressed against yours.
"Is it okay if we walk our way home?" You ask. She instantly smiles and nods, "As long as you'll never let go of my hand."
You give a childish grin in return and look at your hands. You're glad Tiffany likes some skinship, because Jessica mostly hates it.
You start to lead your way, standing up and leaving the table with a tip and an additional vandalism of "Tiff hearts Tae" when you feel a swift yank of her arm and a sudden contact of a soft pair of lips into yours. You're surely surprised at your partner's lovely act and you feel your blood rushing, fast, fast, fast--making its way up to your cheeks but it stop-- upon seeing a specific audience on your public display of lovely act.
J e s s i c a.
You finally hear Tiffany as she says the most important three words for the first time. You hear it and feel at the same time, the weight of her deep feelings in it. You feel the tightened grip on your hand that she's making and how it's starting to sweat a little. You look at her, and see a mixture of fear and hope in her chocolate eyes. You also know you're holding your breath because Tiffany has now pulled you into an ocean of emotions but, the moment you take another glance at Jessica, you hardly notice you're also creating a sharp and deadly tidal wave. Threatening the two of you to drown, drown, drown.
Tiffany smiles. You swallow hard. No matter what happens she smiles. You know how people can get affected by her smile alone and how it can be the cause of their death or the way to their own heaven. Tiffany's smile is so, so angelic and you feel like a demon abusing her. You stare at it and wonder how she manage to pull if off despite her sourly angsty life. You already heard it from her friends and it drenched up all your hopes but Tiffany, she still smiles. And that kind of scenery makes you somewhat, guilty. She's a sunshine in a middle of a typhoon alerted area, and she never gets tired of shining and glowing. She shines so much you wonder if it'll hurt your eyes if you stare long enough. But you don't, and she continues to smile while you fill up this important moment with dark silence.
S h e 's n o t y o u.
You mentally send it to Jessica as you notice the coldness of her stares she has on both you, and Tiffany. Heck, you know how heavenly-like Jessica's life is, yet you never see her smile like she can light up your world. So what if she's blonde? That's the only thing that's brightly looking on her. She's a golden horror of frustration. A glorious disaster, like a sweet hurricane that destroys anything against her way, or near her and leaves everything fractured, if not, into bits of nothingness.
You wince at the pain building up inside you but you fight it, and try to ignore it with a chuckle. You try to concentrate on the person in front of you, ready to baby your heart and handle it carefully and with neediness. Breathe. Inhale, exhale.
I l o v e y o u t o o.
Four words. It's as easy as counting one, two, three...or maybe not, because the voice you're expecting to make Tiffany jump in delight is now strangling, slowly dying in your throat. It shouldn't be like this, you thought. Tiffany isn't someone who's hard to fall for. Heck, you bet every guy or/and girl is already envious by being this close to her. Why? She's perfect in every way and angle you can think of. And with her, there is a big chance of happiness.
With Tiffany, there's hope. With Jessica, there's nope.
You look at her, and you finally understand why she's ignored everyone who would try to steal her heart, because of you. Because of what you now know, that she loves, loves you and this amount of love makes you look like a little kid who doesn't know a thing about it. You feel so naive, you don't know how to handle this kind of situation. You don't know. You try to try again. Words, letters, even just a sound, or a nod. You have to respond for heaven's sake, Taeyeon. You open your mouth and a sorry escaped on it. You panic, and you see the confusion on Tiffany's eyes and the wrinkle on her eyebrows. You feel your heart beats faster. No, it's not love. As much as you want it to be that way, no. Every thug, every pump, it spells nervousness. It screams fear--fear of hurting her. You don't want to make Tiffany sad by your rejection. You don't want her to start to fill in a bucket of depression because of you. She's, she's too perfect for someone, someone like you. Why? Because, because--
"Your sorry for what, Taetae?"
"For the, for the awkward silence. I guess I need to respond something to that?"
"Silly! There's no such thing as awkward silence, especially with you. And about that..."
"I...uh..."
"You're stuttering again."
"Hehe."
"You don't need to say anything if you don't have nothing to say, Taetae. I understand."
You sigh. She cares for you. See? How can you not fall for her? If only you can slap yourself, you thought. But that would or might freak her out. An imaginary slap is all you can do for now.
Tiffany always wants you to relax, to be comfortable around her-- not like Jessica. Jessica? Being with her is like sitting in a room filled with cameras in every side of it, she wants you to feel that way. She's like a wicked doctor that would stare at you until you feel anxious at every movement you do, heck, even at the way you breathe. So you watch yourself and she continues to stare at you, until you start to squirm and move to the farthest side of the room. She would smile, an intimidating crook on her face, while she moves closer, almost erasing the word distance between you and she would kiss you with forcefulness. Licking it for a second for you to breathe, and as she kisses you again, it'll be slower and you would notice yourself liking the sensation and smiling at the kiss--
t h a t d e v i l !
God, you feel the hitch in your breathing. You're drowning in your own emotions again and the image of Tiffany is starting to be blurry as you gasp for air to prevent yourself from sinking. You immediately leave the place and muster all the hatred to not look at Jessica.
You're supposed to be hating Jessica. Hate her, hate her. You encrypt it in your head like a dangerous mantra, that it has to take effect because your life depends on it, Tiffany's happiness depends on it. Depends, depends. You start to realize how heavy that word is, so you try to push if off away from your mind.
"Taetae..."
"Uh, yes?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For this. You know I love walking. I love that coffee shop, and we watched a movie. I love this day."
"Nah. Just consider it as a gift for you for being chosen as one of the representatives."
"Thanks again, taetae."
"Three months, right?
"I guess so."
"Why the sudden sad face?"
"I--well, it was used to be just three months but now that I'm this close of leaving, I feel like I should have just said no to that seminar. It used to be just three, but now I realized how long it will be."
"Aww. The heavens will not be happy to see a sad Fany. C'mon here, you still have a one free hug from me. Here. Here. Don't worry about us, okay? Just enjoy. You'll barely notice the time, I promise."
"Will...will you miss me?"
"Of course. Everyone will miss you, specially Sooyoung. You know, even though that giant's a little weirdo and all she wants is to marry food, she's happy that you're comfortable with her. She told me that you say almost all of her problems to her. And Seohyun, too. You know, she's never been this hyped up on studying again because of you. We'll miss you, so you have to take care of yourself there, okay?"
The two of you reach the gate of Tiffany's apartment in no time. It's a small one compared to yours, but it's happier and livelier inside. You imagine yourself living with her and thinking how happy you must be with her. You know you should. It would be a happy ending for the both of you and a beginning of a new chapter-- a more mature story that contains rated scenes. Hmmm...that would be so good, if ever. You look at her, and you notice the furrow on her brows and that she's playing with your fingers.
"Hey. What's wrong?"
She suddenly looks down, eyes afraid of meeting yours and instead, she stares at the ground as if there's something amusing about it.
"Tiffany..." You call her name in a low voice, like a bad news is expected to come after you say her name. She slowly levels your eyes with anticipation and terror at the same time. You cup both of her hands, squeezing them lightly, before saying,
"I feel you."
Because it's true.
You're not nonchalant about her feelings, specially the one she's showing to you now. The feeling of being terrified because you'll be apart from someone you love. That just the image of your separation twists your intestines and strangles your heart already. It scares you because you suddenly lose the mysterious appeal of your bed even if you feel terribly tired from the whole day work, and it will pile up into the next night and into the next, and another...just because of a certain face. It scares you because instead of concentrating on being laid back and enjoying the money that the company gave you, you're sitting, thoughts wondering if that person misses you this much too or if that person doesn't, because you notice your phone still looks boring--no message from her.
You feel her.
Because you felt that towards Jessica. You felt everything and it's sad because you still feel.
And it's a bad news because you're supposed to be feeling the luckiest person alive. Tiffany just confessed her love to you, she's being this, this vulnerable just for you. You have the power to break her--you should feel that pride of yours elevating and that heart of yours growing bigger because most of all, she's trusting her heart to you, but it doesn't.
You see the panic in her eyes more clearly now, and she's looking at you straightly, like she's scavenging the answers to her questions and the only way to see it is in your eyes. You tiptoe and close your eyes before leaving a soft kiss right on the tip of her nose. It looks cute, really. To see how Tiffany changes from one emotion to another, you see how her face moves, how her face muscles form an emotion, and that she's shocked and blushing.
You wonder how that small thing has affected her body system, but then again, you were never vocal or showy when it comes to Tiffany and that also makes you wonder how despite of that, she still loves you like the way you love Jessica.
***
Your eyes suddenly opens without irritation from the goodnight sleep you're having. You stretch your arm over the table and kill the noise that has killed the goodness in your sleep. It's these few moments you appreciate the most-- having a comfortable, stress-free and no populated thoughts to discuss with you the whole night so, you scowl at your phone for ruining it. You see three missed calls and one message, all from Tiffany.
"I hope you know what my missed call means. ;) I was about to call you and say it but I thought you're fast asleep now because you have a body of a kid and an energy of a kid. Keke~ I kid you, you kiddie Taengoo. ^o^ We're leaving at 6 in the morning. Don't forget to feed my kitty-kitten, okay?"
You look at the time. Screaming something close to four in the morning. You rest the back of your hand on your forehead and close your eyes. Tiffany's sweet act makes you smile, because most often it's you who makes the sweet things in the most dead hours of the night for Jessica. So, this is what it feels to wake up and see a sweet message.
You've always wanted to say thank you to Tiffany, because she has done a lot of things for you, showed a lot of reasons to smile and taught you a lot of lessons. But you're afraid, afraid that after you said it, the hidden words might escape straight from your heart,oozing with blood and fresh. Raw, so raw it makes you want to vomit at its smell. And then there will be tears, tears that will tear her face instead of a smile. She might shrink, or crumble, or melt upon the realization that you can't, as much as how hard you try, love her.
You scowl at yourself. How can you do this to Tiffany? But then again, you remember how crazy and unfair it is that Jessica can be relentless to you.
Tiffany's not a doctor, but Jessica is. You've learned so many things from Tiffany, though it kills you and how evil it may sound, you're thankful to have Tiffany, that maybe you really needed Tiffany to be by your side. So you'd realize how the absence of Jessica and her love makes you hurt and damaged. A basis to know and appreciate Jessica more.
Jessica isn't someone to be like this, more on to the different side. She's also not good in most things you expect her to be, like showing how to be thoughtful or texting. She's somewhat selfish too. And you ask yourself how can a selfish person take care of a lot of people? Even save lives? She often makes people frown, makes them taste her bitter words and back out like a scared puppy. Her language consists of either professional sarcasm or medical jargons that would always make your head experience verbal concussions. You also know she's not a fan of literature. That explains the simplicity she has on her words when she told you she likes you, that she's gay, that she was expecting for a date after she gave her number to you and that she's ready to be in a relationship with you-- at the same day, in one sentence. Maybe she knows she's pretty, maybe she's sure you'd bite it, or maybe she's used a magical potion or maybe all of it, because it worked on you. It made you scared, confused, thrilled and real. That her feelings towards you are so real, and you're afraid that someone might steal it because she's pretty and she's sure everyone would try to have a bite of her.
Some of those times, she'd show you something rare. Like she'd grab your hand, her lips touching it, the softness of it electrifying you. You'd see her blush and not too soon she'd be burning, heat obvious in every touch she did to you. Sometimes, she would just sit, eyes darting at you with much mockery, like saying,
I own you.
And you bet she knows how it affected you, how she could give you a powerful effect and she would give you a sweet smile before leaving you for a day, hanging.
Jessica's a monster, only molded in a less scary form for mainstream image purposes. You're a warrior, with an armor ready to protect yourself from any harm she'd do. And you two always meet at the ocean, her claws, her claws that cuts your skin and digs deep, slow, your armor totally uneffective--no matter how many plus you put on to improve its defensive attributes--it's still worthless to her claws. It hurt, pain lingering longer, making its way to your bones until you can't stand the pain anymore and you can't handle the waves. You feel the coldness, penetrating your injured body easily and you can only cry.
But you notice now, finally, notice that Jessica-- Jessica's way of loving you is different and you don't get it but it's the only thing she knows how. You realize that she, she only wants to hug you and lead you to the shore but you flinched and you used the fear of getting hurt to stay away from her.
You stare at your phone and the name flashing on the screen. You breathe and release a mouthful of cowardliness before you hit the green button. You place the phone near your ear and start to feel the pain in every thud of your heart. Ring, ring, ring.
Tiffany. Tiffany's the definition of perfect. This was how you imagined everything to be in a relationship. It's an amazing discovery to see the things you think in your free time can be a reality. God, it must be irritating to hear the word perfect whenever Tiffany's anywhere in a sentence but, that's just how it is. Whenever you swim, you relax and just control your breathing. You count one, two, three, or even up to gazillion bow wow and you you would still float, no worries about sinking. Being with Tiffany is simply perfect. Perfectly safe. But--
Just as how it should be, you always have to lose something before you realize--like a sudden light of bulb in your head, that you don't want it. No matter how wanted she is for everyone, you would, if given a lucky chance to trade Tiffany for Jessica. You realize now how you only wanted a colorful-filled and sweet candy-coated relationship, but what you really need is a twistedly sweet yet painful love story. You know, within yourself that you love the thrill of being anxious about Jessica,that there is no straight line with her, and that it will definitely cause you pain. You need something to be scared of, something worth the cold and the pain, something that would make you feel that this is real. Everything is real, because it hurts and it feels good at the same time. You need Jessica.
"Why?" You feel a little jumpy at her voice, a little hesitant if you should say hello first. You can feel the irritation and the anger across the line and you suddenly turned into a loner who doesn't know how to entertain a new friend, or even just to prolong a chit-chat. So, you stummer your words, each letter rolling through your teeth and dying in the air. You say you love her. And you feel the pain again, your wounds starting to open up and cry amounts of blood. Your heart jumping, trying to crack you ribcage and everything starts to make you feel weak. But you wait, wait for her to say something.
"You are screwed up, Taeyeon." You let out a breathy laugh and hope it would hide the pain you're feeling. It hurts because this is real. She makes you real.
"What do you want?"
"Jessica..." You feel yourself trembling, afraid of this phone call you're having. And you mentally thanked the silence after you say her name in that tone of voice. A desperate breaking tone of voice. It's so weak, almost dying--it shows how vulnerable you are to her now. And you hate it because, why now?
"I really do...love you...still."
You're like a patient, and you realize that you don't need to ease the pain. and the thing that can make you not ease the pain is Jessica, and despite the pain, you know it is going to be worth it, because that's how your love works. It's not simple, not a dream to envy for. It's Taeyeon and Jessica. It's the only thing that fits your description, that the relationship is so you, and so her. And when you start to look up for the individual meanings of Taeyeon and Jessica, you'll think of angst, short-term relationship, sex out of madness, syntax error, contradicting, impossible--exclamation point included. But then, there's and, and the and is what makes everything possible and alive and...real.
I t ' s l o v e.
Any minute now you're sure your heart will break loose and so is your eardrums because the pounding is so loud it's the only thing you can hear in your room, and you're somewhat annoyed because what if Jessica says something in a very low voice and you didn't hear it because of your thud, thug, thud? You concentrate, ears wide alert on any sound on the other line. You know Jessica's words, and you're waiting for her, for her to say something, like a simple hint of doubtness. Because that means there's still love left for you and that the and isn't really an end for the both of you. You hold your breath. Trying to lessen the noise of your heartbeat as much as you can, and then you hear something like.
Toot, toot, toot.
Your heart finally leaps out and it splashes blood all over your bed, only in a form of tears. You're shaking, and your breath--it's disgusting. You want to inhale Jessica's scent to calm you down. You need Jessica's voice to soothe your nerves, you need her hands to stop your body from shaking. You need her.
And you realize that you're not a patient, but a jerk. Tiffany taught you all these realizations and all you can do is to set her free from the belief that she can heal these wounds. She has helped you a lot, and as much as you want to deny it. The only person you can call is Jessica.
You bleed and you just want to vomit all the pain and just appreciate this moving on therapy with Tiffany, but you're a jerk, so you bleed again, and again, and again, and you'll call Jessica again next night.
A/N: This story isn't supposed to be here but I've read somewhere on how a writer treats her stories like her own babies. It makes me look like an evil mother for neglecting my own daughter. And since I was casted for a five-minuter drama, we are now on the near end of the story, of course I realize now the evil deeds I've done and other blah blah blah. And as a promise of my never-ending love for you, err, for my daughter, I finished it and posted it here. Here she is now, waiting for her dear prince to kiss him, but wait! Your reviewing skills are needed because his prince lives in a forest and we need a map for directions aaaaaaaaaaand we ran out of pumpkins and also for production budget so I'm also playing as the fairy godmother aaaand my magic only works on comments.
So, comment you, sexy you. The happy ending is in your hands. ;)
P.S.
I'm sorry if you're expecting a sandwich galore here. I enjoy eating,err reading too, but I don't have a kitchen, err the skills to make one.
P.P.S.
The pumpkins? I just like it.