OH Fuck me....
i know i'm supposed to be a leader.. i know i'm the oldest now.... and i know i'm supposed to be motherfucking organized....
what the fuck is wrong with me??
-it seems so fucking easy just to step it up.... why can't i??
-why is everyone leaving when i get the hang of how things work around here
-its so weird now.... and i'm running like a mother fucking chicken with my head cut off
i don't get it... i'm trying... i know i am.. well maybe i'm not. i've had my doubts, and i've sure as hell been pretty pessimestic about this whole thing, but i thought that things would miracously {sp??} fall together... just like they always do... NO.. NO NO... that would just be too mother fuckin nice for this girl to handle... i KNOW things take work
and i KNOW i haven't put that much time into it recently... and I KNOW i need to put more time into it.. but WHAT am i supposed to be doing more of?? I'm a fucking first grader right now and i have the most experience.... it's like i'll never be done being the youngest... being the runt being the weird new one who can almost weirdly fit in... now that i have to show how it's done... i fail miserably,, the new year hasn't even started and i already feel a huge ball and chain being stuck to my ankle... i don't know how to make it go away either, i mean i know tonight won't be at all how the season goes,... because that is just how it is... i mean that is how it was the past five or so years... it is always like this... and i guess when i put it into perspective from other years... things are supposed to roll like this now and they pick up during the year... but i just don't have the fucking patience, i want to be an alright leader and all that shit it's just i don't think i can be... there is so much proof towards the fact that i can't be one that... it almost makes me tear up, i end up feeling like this at least once a year... or i guess ever since i moved here...this years was the first year like i thought i belonged to it... and now... i'm alone, again, of course i have my sidekick.... but when it comes down to it.. we are totally different, there has to be more... and then even then... i'm the downer between the two of us...
it's so bad... my mom doesn't even have after comment bitching
she always has something to bitch about afterwards
silence
i even tried to pick a fight
it didn't work
what the fuck--i don't know what to think about that... why hasn't she said anything, i'm looking for guidance and i just don't know where to turn to, i've never had someone to talk about this with or even someone to guide me through this kind of thing, i guess a lot of ppl don't, and most people wouldnt' think it's important anyway...
shit. happens.
on the plus side,
i got a very good work out
and a tiny red slash on my arm
what the fuck is wrong with me??
-it seems so fucking easy just to step it up.... why can't i??
-why is everyone leaving when i get the hang of how things work around here
-its so weird now.... and i'm running like a mother fucking chicken with my head cut off
i don't get it... i'm trying... i know i am.. well maybe i'm not. i've had my doubts, and i've sure as hell been pretty pessimestic about this whole thing, but i thought that things would miracously {sp??} fall together... just like they always do... NO.. NO NO... that would just be too mother fuckin nice for this girl to handle... i KNOW things take work
and i KNOW i haven't put that much time into it recently... and I KNOW i need to put more time into it.. but WHAT am i supposed to be doing more of?? I'm a fucking first grader right now and i have the most experience.... it's like i'll never be done being the youngest... being the runt being the weird new one who can almost weirdly fit in... now that i have to show how it's done... i fail miserably,, the new year hasn't even started and i already feel a huge ball and chain being stuck to my ankle... i don't know how to make it go away either, i mean i know tonight won't be at all how the season goes,... because that is just how it is... i mean that is how it was the past five or so years... it is always like this... and i guess when i put it into perspective from other years... things are supposed to roll like this now and they pick up during the year... but i just don't have the fucking patience, i want to be an alright leader and all that shit it's just i don't think i can be... there is so much proof towards the fact that i can't be one that... it almost makes me tear up, i end up feeling like this at least once a year... or i guess ever since i moved here...this years was the first year like i thought i belonged to it... and now... i'm alone, again, of course i have my sidekick.... but when it comes down to it.. we are totally different, there has to be more... and then even then... i'm the downer between the two of us...
it's so bad... my mom doesn't even have after comment bitching
she always has something to bitch about afterwards
silence
i even tried to pick a fight
it didn't work
what the fuck--i don't know what to think about that... why hasn't she said anything, i'm looking for guidance and i just don't know where to turn to, i've never had someone to talk about this with or even someone to guide me through this kind of thing, i guess a lot of ppl don't, and most people wouldnt' think it's important anyway...
shit. happens.
on the plus side,
i got a very good work out
and a tiny red slash on my arm