my new friend
so krystal is my new friend. best friend? i don't know. but we definitely are going to try. as a friend, i've already seen her more than i would have if we were dating. so it's good that way. and i don't feel as bad if i can't see her. so that's another good point. but it makes me laugh.
why am i okay with not seeing her now? why couldn't i have been like that when it mattered? i mean, i wanted to try, but i didn't really try. and i'm not trying now. but. fuck. butfuck.
it's because i'm not trying.
i've always had this idea in my head about how i'm supposed to be as a boyfriend. which i suppose has prevented me from letting things progress naturally. and i think i've finally cracked my own mind. i wasn't okay with not seeing her because i'm not supposed to be okay with it. that's what i've always told myself anyway. and when i don't tell myself that? well, i'm suddenly okay. there's more to this. wow.
that went a little off topic.
we went for a walk last night. and again today. it was nice for many reasons. i haven't walked in thickwood in a long time. it brought back many memories. and it was nice to share that with her. and it was nice to be with her. because obviously i like being with her.
but it was also extremely hard. i wanted to grab her hand and hold it every two fucking seconds. and last time i checked, friends don't really hold hands. i also wanted to hold her. hug her. whatever. and not being able to and questioning myself was difficult.
so i'm not saying we can't be friends. because i don't believe that. i just don't want to be friends. i want us to be together again. fuck.
why am i okay with not seeing her now? why couldn't i have been like that when it mattered? i mean, i wanted to try, but i didn't really try. and i'm not trying now. but. fuck. butfuck.
it's because i'm not trying.
i've always had this idea in my head about how i'm supposed to be as a boyfriend. which i suppose has prevented me from letting things progress naturally. and i think i've finally cracked my own mind. i wasn't okay with not seeing her because i'm not supposed to be okay with it. that's what i've always told myself anyway. and when i don't tell myself that? well, i'm suddenly okay. there's more to this. wow.
that went a little off topic.
we went for a walk last night. and again today. it was nice for many reasons. i haven't walked in thickwood in a long time. it brought back many memories. and it was nice to share that with her. and it was nice to be with her. because obviously i like being with her.
but it was also extremely hard. i wanted to grab her hand and hold it every two fucking seconds. and last time i checked, friends don't really hold hands. i also wanted to hold her. hug her. whatever. and not being able to and questioning myself was difficult.
so i'm not saying we can't be friends. because i don't believe that. i just don't want to be friends. i want us to be together again. fuck.