CONFESSION (Legend of the Seeker - Kahlan/Cara)
TITLE: CONFESSION 3/26
AUTHOR: rhyfeddu
RATING: PG, angst (of course)
SUMMARY: Definitely AU from "Eternity" on.
Kahlan's POV. Kahlan/Cara, Kahlan/Richard.
DISCLAIMER: As always, everything here belongs to other (much more wealthy) people. I'm just having fun.
COMMENT: Yeah, I know there was already an actual epi called "Confession", but couldn't resist using it again.
First: Salvation
Second: Absolution
“I can bathe myself. I am not a child. And you are not Mord Sith, required to wait on me.”
Still fully clothed in her sweaty leathers, Cara clutched the clean cloth in front of her, leaning subtly away from me and towards the still warm waters of the abandoned Temple baths. I pretended not to notice that she shivered, looking unsteady and battered. I didn’t have to be told that she didn’t appreciate being seen like that. I saw how she looked at any point around me, but never at me.
Earlier, when her head still lay in my lap, I had seen the exact moment when she had really became conscious, and all her thoughts had clarified. She had bolted upright as if prodded by an agiel. Her face had clamped down on any expression and her breathing became shallow. The instinct to bolt was painfully apparent, but she had somehow managed to stay. Any attempt to give her comfort though, even from Richard or Zedd, had been rebuffed as “fussing”. It had taken a direct order from Richard for her to agree to come to this room and tend to herself.
I knew she felt exposed in ways that had nothing to do with the required nudity. I knew she found it painful to stll be here, in the Temple that had housed her Mord Sith sisters. I knew it was a cruel reminder of her recent breaking. But it was shelter and we were here and this was necessary. Cara was hurt, in all possible ways. And I just wanted, needed to help her. Why couldn’t it be that simple, just this once?
I forced my voice into a teasing tone. “You’re still injured, Cara. I wouldn’t want to be responsible if you passed out and drowned.” I made a move to guide her elbow. And she pulled back to elude my touch, drawing her back painfully straight. Her eyes remained diverted.
I braced myself for an indignant dose of Mord Sith pride, but I wasn’t prepared for Cara’s low, shaky, rushed plea. “Just leave, Kahlan, please.”
My eyes burned at the rejection, but also at her growing inability to even hide her bleak pain, and my inability to take it from her.
“Okay,” I whispered, “But I’ll be right outside.”
I slowly left, wishing she would stop me and call me back, and certain that she would not. I shut the heavy door behind me and dropped onto the stone bench just outside.
I tried to take a deep breath and found I couldn’t. I could see the shaft of sunlight at the end of the hall, testifying that the world really had not ended. The Stone of Tears had been placed. The rift to the Underworld was sealed. Rahl and the Mord Sith defeated and driven away. All of us were alive and now safe. And here I was, in a moment that should be unrestrained joy and celebration, and my chest was heavy with misery and indecision. It felt yet another kind of betrayal to be so selfish in such a moment of reprieve for all the innocents of this world.
I didn’t understand myself. I couldn’t fathom how I could lose sight of everything I was so sure of in my life, in my heart, in an instant any time I was in this woman’s presence.
Richard’s place in my soul had been instantaneous. I never had doubts that he belonged there, only how we would ever negotiate our duties around such feelings. He fit with an ease and kindness, with a roundness and softness of feeling that was like returning to the loving home I had been deprived of.
Cara was all rough edges, and her path to my soul was slow and unsure. Nothing was clear cut or easy with her. We should be adversaries and the simplicity of those roles had been an easy one to adhere to at first. It was the only thing that made sense, that didn’t abrade all that I had ever known or been taught. Seeing her as anything else felt like it threatened everything else I held dear.
I never wanted to even like her, much less feel more than that. Much less…
I am the Mother Confessor, who judges truth and honesty from fiction and deceptions, and I could hardly bear to hold the thought in my head; my own truth that threatened to destroy the foundations of my life. Or court the treacherous fear that perhaps much of what I have felt for Richard could have been the mutual call and answering devotion of The Seeker to his Confessor, rather than the common love between a man and a woman. How much of my heart did Richard have because of what we were, not who?
It was the only answer that came close to explaining how I could have any part of my heart turn from my beloved Richard and find it craving and wanting to cling to a former enemy and such a troubled soul. Someone who didn’t seem to want to receive it, or sometimes even capable of it.
And yet.
I knew Cara was more than any of that. More than what had happened to her, more than anything she had ever done. I knew because I saw it, felt it, and discerned it with a penetrating knowledge that rivaled any power given to me by confession, any understanding allowed by magic. I saw the depths of her. And I was drawn to it, to her, in ways I didn’t think possible. It was overwhelming.
What other choice did I have but to try and deny it?
But it had been acknowledged. Finally. And in the worst possible way. With Cara turned again, broken, and spewing it like it was a cruel joke, wielding it like it was a implement of training. I could only believe she remembered everything that had happened to her, remembered what was said and still left unsaid between us. But we continued to dodge and feint with one another and the truth, like we were in mortal battle.
Hearing steps approach drew me out of my thoughts. I looked up, and couldn’t help but smile as Richard walked down the hall towards me, his left hand lightly resting on the hilt of his sheathed sword. There was an ease in his manner borne of relief; his happiness for all of us radiated off him. I felt a great rush of gratitude to the Creator for keeping him safe.
Richard quietly sat next to me and reached out and squeezed my hands, which I hadn’t realized were both bunched in my lap, twisting the gathered fabric of my dress. He leaned over and gave a gentle kiss, which I allowed myself to lean into briefly, starved for the easy comfort he always gave.
My smile broadened as we parted, but Richard’s brow wrinkled in concern. “What’s wrong?”
There was so much wrong, and so much I couldn’t bear to tell him. I felt another kind of sorrow rise in me, at having lost the ability to confide in the cherished friend in him.
“I’m sorry, Richard. That I wasn’t with you at the Pillars of Creation. You shouldn’t have been there without me.”
His lip and brow quirked in tandem. “Kahlan, I know you would’ve been there if you could. You didn’t plan on being captured.”
I remembered my hesitation and distraction while fighting Cara and the Mord Sith that day. I knew in my heart what had gotten me captured. “Of course not,“ I murmured. “Still. I’m sorry.”
“I was in agony not knowing how you were, Kahlan. You know I wanted to rush back here and help you, don’t you? More than anything in this world.” I looked into his tender brown eyes. His devotion flailed my uneasy conscience.
“I know that, Richard. I know.” I stroked his face, his stubble rough under my thumb.
He smiled again, then made a great show of looking around the bench and hall. “What are you doing out here, anyway?”
I laughed ruefully. “Oh, it’s…” I shrugged. “Cara is just being…stubborn. She won’t let me help her. I didn’t know what else to do, so…I’m just waiting.”
He gave my hands another squeeze. “You know that’s just how Cara handles things. And you’ve already helped her, Kahlan, so much. You saved her from being lost to us for good.”
The truth of how near we came to that, and the undeserved kindness Richard was showing me, released a sob from my throat. He immediately pressed me closer to him, and soothed my back with his free hand. I felt the rest of my damned up sorrow loosen and break free, and I just held onto him, letting it shake my body.
Later, after Cara emerged sullen but looking almost normal, we gathered in one of the great halls, started a fire in the enormous hearth, and Zedd and Richard told us their story of the past week. Cara and I both sat across from them and listened. At least I tried to, and I wasn’t sure by Cara’s deadened eyes what was really registering with her. Richard was concluding with the unhappy news of how Rahl had eluded them, when Cara’s subdued voice next to me made me jump.
“Dahlia. “ It was the first time in hours that she had spoken. She was looking steadily at Richard. “What became of her?”
Richard glanced at Zedd, who shook his head. “I’m sorry, Cara. I don’t know for sure. It was very confusing.” He hesitated. “I didn’t see her fall.”
Cara breathed out and stood. “Understandable,” She said coldly. “The Seeker can’t keep track of every stray Mord Sith he comes across.” She pivoted without another word and quickly disappeared out the darkened doorway.
Richard’s eyes rounded in surprise and hurt, as Zedd reached out and patted his shoulder.
“Richard…“ I began, but he shook his head and waved my words off.
“I understand. She’s still upset. I don’t blame her.”
I wanted to say more, explain Cara, defend her. But the words stuck. Who was I to do that? What did I really understand?
Zedd cleared his throat. “Dahlia and Cara…rekindled their relationship when we were traveling.”
I felt my own eyes widen. Zedd chuckled lowly. “I’ve found that it serves me well to be underestimated as just some silly old man. But even I don’t sleep that soundly.”
My face burned, and Richard grinned, while catching my eye and looking away shyly. My embarrassment mingled with my shame at the sharp stab of hurt I felt. Zedd and Richard’s quiet laughter seemed to amplify it.
Words escaped me, hotly and unbidden. “If that’s true, then Cara has lost more than we even thought, and I don’t see how that’s cause for mirth.”
They both stopped as the words struck them and I saw Richard swallow, guilty and surprised. Zedd’s voice rumbled, soothingly. “Of course not, child. We didn’t mean it that way.”
I couldn’t stop myself, even though I was more than aware where my anger really sprang. “Oh? Then how did you mean it?”
Zedd gave a small smile. “We’re all pretty ragged, all of us have had quite a week, perhaps we should - “
“We’re sorry, Kahlan,“ Richard interrupted, giving Zedd an impatient look.
Richard’s earnest eyes silently pleaded for forgiveness, and I couldn’t look at them. I ducked my head. “I’m going to check on Cara.” I left feeling their confused and concerned eyes on my back.
AUTHOR: rhyfeddu
RATING: PG, angst (of course)
SUMMARY: Definitely AU from "Eternity" on.
Kahlan's POV. Kahlan/Cara, Kahlan/Richard.
DISCLAIMER: As always, everything here belongs to other (much more wealthy) people. I'm just having fun.
COMMENT: Yeah, I know there was already an actual epi called "Confession", but couldn't resist using it again.
First: Salvation
Second: Absolution
“I can bathe myself. I am not a child. And you are not Mord Sith, required to wait on me.”
Still fully clothed in her sweaty leathers, Cara clutched the clean cloth in front of her, leaning subtly away from me and towards the still warm waters of the abandoned Temple baths. I pretended not to notice that she shivered, looking unsteady and battered. I didn’t have to be told that she didn’t appreciate being seen like that. I saw how she looked at any point around me, but never at me.
Earlier, when her head still lay in my lap, I had seen the exact moment when she had really became conscious, and all her thoughts had clarified. She had bolted upright as if prodded by an agiel. Her face had clamped down on any expression and her breathing became shallow. The instinct to bolt was painfully apparent, but she had somehow managed to stay. Any attempt to give her comfort though, even from Richard or Zedd, had been rebuffed as “fussing”. It had taken a direct order from Richard for her to agree to come to this room and tend to herself.
I knew she felt exposed in ways that had nothing to do with the required nudity. I knew she found it painful to stll be here, in the Temple that had housed her Mord Sith sisters. I knew it was a cruel reminder of her recent breaking. But it was shelter and we were here and this was necessary. Cara was hurt, in all possible ways. And I just wanted, needed to help her. Why couldn’t it be that simple, just this once?
I forced my voice into a teasing tone. “You’re still injured, Cara. I wouldn’t want to be responsible if you passed out and drowned.” I made a move to guide her elbow. And she pulled back to elude my touch, drawing her back painfully straight. Her eyes remained diverted.
I braced myself for an indignant dose of Mord Sith pride, but I wasn’t prepared for Cara’s low, shaky, rushed plea. “Just leave, Kahlan, please.”
My eyes burned at the rejection, but also at her growing inability to even hide her bleak pain, and my inability to take it from her.
“Okay,” I whispered, “But I’ll be right outside.”
I slowly left, wishing she would stop me and call me back, and certain that she would not. I shut the heavy door behind me and dropped onto the stone bench just outside.
I tried to take a deep breath and found I couldn’t. I could see the shaft of sunlight at the end of the hall, testifying that the world really had not ended. The Stone of Tears had been placed. The rift to the Underworld was sealed. Rahl and the Mord Sith defeated and driven away. All of us were alive and now safe. And here I was, in a moment that should be unrestrained joy and celebration, and my chest was heavy with misery and indecision. It felt yet another kind of betrayal to be so selfish in such a moment of reprieve for all the innocents of this world.
I didn’t understand myself. I couldn’t fathom how I could lose sight of everything I was so sure of in my life, in my heart, in an instant any time I was in this woman’s presence.
Richard’s place in my soul had been instantaneous. I never had doubts that he belonged there, only how we would ever negotiate our duties around such feelings. He fit with an ease and kindness, with a roundness and softness of feeling that was like returning to the loving home I had been deprived of.
Cara was all rough edges, and her path to my soul was slow and unsure. Nothing was clear cut or easy with her. We should be adversaries and the simplicity of those roles had been an easy one to adhere to at first. It was the only thing that made sense, that didn’t abrade all that I had ever known or been taught. Seeing her as anything else felt like it threatened everything else I held dear.
I never wanted to even like her, much less feel more than that. Much less…
I am the Mother Confessor, who judges truth and honesty from fiction and deceptions, and I could hardly bear to hold the thought in my head; my own truth that threatened to destroy the foundations of my life. Or court the treacherous fear that perhaps much of what I have felt for Richard could have been the mutual call and answering devotion of The Seeker to his Confessor, rather than the common love between a man and a woman. How much of my heart did Richard have because of what we were, not who?
It was the only answer that came close to explaining how I could have any part of my heart turn from my beloved Richard and find it craving and wanting to cling to a former enemy and such a troubled soul. Someone who didn’t seem to want to receive it, or sometimes even capable of it.
And yet.
I knew Cara was more than any of that. More than what had happened to her, more than anything she had ever done. I knew because I saw it, felt it, and discerned it with a penetrating knowledge that rivaled any power given to me by confession, any understanding allowed by magic. I saw the depths of her. And I was drawn to it, to her, in ways I didn’t think possible. It was overwhelming.
What other choice did I have but to try and deny it?
But it had been acknowledged. Finally. And in the worst possible way. With Cara turned again, broken, and spewing it like it was a cruel joke, wielding it like it was a implement of training. I could only believe she remembered everything that had happened to her, remembered what was said and still left unsaid between us. But we continued to dodge and feint with one another and the truth, like we were in mortal battle.
Hearing steps approach drew me out of my thoughts. I looked up, and couldn’t help but smile as Richard walked down the hall towards me, his left hand lightly resting on the hilt of his sheathed sword. There was an ease in his manner borne of relief; his happiness for all of us radiated off him. I felt a great rush of gratitude to the Creator for keeping him safe.
Richard quietly sat next to me and reached out and squeezed my hands, which I hadn’t realized were both bunched in my lap, twisting the gathered fabric of my dress. He leaned over and gave a gentle kiss, which I allowed myself to lean into briefly, starved for the easy comfort he always gave.
My smile broadened as we parted, but Richard’s brow wrinkled in concern. “What’s wrong?”
There was so much wrong, and so much I couldn’t bear to tell him. I felt another kind of sorrow rise in me, at having lost the ability to confide in the cherished friend in him.
“I’m sorry, Richard. That I wasn’t with you at the Pillars of Creation. You shouldn’t have been there without me.”
His lip and brow quirked in tandem. “Kahlan, I know you would’ve been there if you could. You didn’t plan on being captured.”
I remembered my hesitation and distraction while fighting Cara and the Mord Sith that day. I knew in my heart what had gotten me captured. “Of course not,“ I murmured. “Still. I’m sorry.”
“I was in agony not knowing how you were, Kahlan. You know I wanted to rush back here and help you, don’t you? More than anything in this world.” I looked into his tender brown eyes. His devotion flailed my uneasy conscience.
“I know that, Richard. I know.” I stroked his face, his stubble rough under my thumb.
He smiled again, then made a great show of looking around the bench and hall. “What are you doing out here, anyway?”
I laughed ruefully. “Oh, it’s…” I shrugged. “Cara is just being…stubborn. She won’t let me help her. I didn’t know what else to do, so…I’m just waiting.”
He gave my hands another squeeze. “You know that’s just how Cara handles things. And you’ve already helped her, Kahlan, so much. You saved her from being lost to us for good.”
The truth of how near we came to that, and the undeserved kindness Richard was showing me, released a sob from my throat. He immediately pressed me closer to him, and soothed my back with his free hand. I felt the rest of my damned up sorrow loosen and break free, and I just held onto him, letting it shake my body.
Later, after Cara emerged sullen but looking almost normal, we gathered in one of the great halls, started a fire in the enormous hearth, and Zedd and Richard told us their story of the past week. Cara and I both sat across from them and listened. At least I tried to, and I wasn’t sure by Cara’s deadened eyes what was really registering with her. Richard was concluding with the unhappy news of how Rahl had eluded them, when Cara’s subdued voice next to me made me jump.
“Dahlia. “ It was the first time in hours that she had spoken. She was looking steadily at Richard. “What became of her?”
Richard glanced at Zedd, who shook his head. “I’m sorry, Cara. I don’t know for sure. It was very confusing.” He hesitated. “I didn’t see her fall.”
Cara breathed out and stood. “Understandable,” She said coldly. “The Seeker can’t keep track of every stray Mord Sith he comes across.” She pivoted without another word and quickly disappeared out the darkened doorway.
Richard’s eyes rounded in surprise and hurt, as Zedd reached out and patted his shoulder.
“Richard…“ I began, but he shook his head and waved my words off.
“I understand. She’s still upset. I don’t blame her.”
I wanted to say more, explain Cara, defend her. But the words stuck. Who was I to do that? What did I really understand?
Zedd cleared his throat. “Dahlia and Cara…rekindled their relationship when we were traveling.”
I felt my own eyes widen. Zedd chuckled lowly. “I’ve found that it serves me well to be underestimated as just some silly old man. But even I don’t sleep that soundly.”
My face burned, and Richard grinned, while catching my eye and looking away shyly. My embarrassment mingled with my shame at the sharp stab of hurt I felt. Zedd and Richard’s quiet laughter seemed to amplify it.
Words escaped me, hotly and unbidden. “If that’s true, then Cara has lost more than we even thought, and I don’t see how that’s cause for mirth.”
They both stopped as the words struck them and I saw Richard swallow, guilty and surprised. Zedd’s voice rumbled, soothingly. “Of course not, child. We didn’t mean it that way.”
I couldn’t stop myself, even though I was more than aware where my anger really sprang. “Oh? Then how did you mean it?”
Zedd gave a small smile. “We’re all pretty ragged, all of us have had quite a week, perhaps we should - “
“We’re sorry, Kahlan,“ Richard interrupted, giving Zedd an impatient look.
Richard’s earnest eyes silently pleaded for forgiveness, and I couldn’t look at them. I ducked my head. “I’m going to check on Cara.” I left feeling their confused and concerned eyes on my back.