hrmmmm
So... I'm realizing lots of stuff...
I have no self confidence.
I am quiet 90% of the day, from years of nobody wanting to hear what I have to say anyway.
I am lonely ALL the time. I can't help it anymore.
I sometimes feel like I should just stop caring about "love" and go for "lust" just so I don't have to feel so lonely.
I hate myself.
I told my dad I didn't want to be like him when he was yelling at me in November. Today I realized I was becoming like him, and now I hate myself more. I don't want his attitude. I don't want his anger.
I need to find peace.
My whole life is spiraling toward the ground.
My dreams are being shattered.
No Diving.
Hole in my Lung.
Becoming like Dad.
Blehhhh
I don't want this.
I never wanted ANY OF THIS.
I've never felt my parent's love through the things they buy me. I wish they'd just make me get a job and work for myself to get what I want.
I've always wanted a family who wanted me around. But now I don't want to be around them.. Any time I'm around my dad it's "Get your hair cut" "Go out there and spread that mulch" "Did you feed the dogs? Walk them? Give them new water? How about the cats? Feed and water them?" And he's yelling constantly when we dont have our things done... and it makes me afraid of him. He wonders why I dont look at him when he's talking to me... why I don't want to talk to him. And Mom... sometimes i think she talks just to hear her voice, because she goes on for hours and hours and HOURSS... :-\ I just wish she'd stop and let me talk. I wish she'd think about what she was saying and stop trying to be witty because half the stuff she says is completely ludacris. Example: After realizing I'm a Vegetarian, Mom: "Chad, do you still eat eggs?" Me: "Yes" Lis: "That's like eating Baby chickens" Me: "No, they're unfertilized. They're a product of a Chicken" mom: "Ya, that's like saying Chad's drinking baby chickens" (While I was drinking Milk). And I know that must sound funny... but it's really just.. irritating after a while. and her public protesting bullcrap she does, and how ... BLUNTLY open she is about her political views. It's just.. imbarrassing sometimes.
bleh. I'm just tired... of everything.
I wish I could just get out of here.
But i don't know where I'd even go.
I think I might go become a pastor or something. eh. I need to surround myself with Christians. I feel at peace around them.. and I feel loved. I feel God's holy presence when I'm at church... I LOVE Christian music.
Maybe that's what i need to do...
I like evangelizing... but only really to people I know...
i dunno. Babbling now i guess.
later.
I have no self confidence.
I am quiet 90% of the day, from years of nobody wanting to hear what I have to say anyway.
I am lonely ALL the time. I can't help it anymore.
I sometimes feel like I should just stop caring about "love" and go for "lust" just so I don't have to feel so lonely.
I hate myself.
I told my dad I didn't want to be like him when he was yelling at me in November. Today I realized I was becoming like him, and now I hate myself more. I don't want his attitude. I don't want his anger.
I need to find peace.
My whole life is spiraling toward the ground.
My dreams are being shattered.
No Diving.
Hole in my Lung.
Becoming like Dad.
Blehhhh
I don't want this.
I never wanted ANY OF THIS.
I've never felt my parent's love through the things they buy me. I wish they'd just make me get a job and work for myself to get what I want.
I've always wanted a family who wanted me around. But now I don't want to be around them.. Any time I'm around my dad it's "Get your hair cut" "Go out there and spread that mulch" "Did you feed the dogs? Walk them? Give them new water? How about the cats? Feed and water them?" And he's yelling constantly when we dont have our things done... and it makes me afraid of him. He wonders why I dont look at him when he's talking to me... why I don't want to talk to him. And Mom... sometimes i think she talks just to hear her voice, because she goes on for hours and hours and HOURSS... :-\ I just wish she'd stop and let me talk. I wish she'd think about what she was saying and stop trying to be witty because half the stuff she says is completely ludacris. Example: After realizing I'm a Vegetarian, Mom: "Chad, do you still eat eggs?" Me: "Yes" Lis: "That's like eating Baby chickens" Me: "No, they're unfertilized. They're a product of a Chicken" mom: "Ya, that's like saying Chad's drinking baby chickens" (While I was drinking Milk). And I know that must sound funny... but it's really just.. irritating after a while. and her public protesting bullcrap she does, and how ... BLUNTLY open she is about her political views. It's just.. imbarrassing sometimes.
bleh. I'm just tired... of everything.
I wish I could just get out of here.
But i don't know where I'd even go.
I think I might go become a pastor or something. eh. I need to surround myself with Christians. I feel at peace around them.. and I feel loved. I feel God's holy presence when I'm at church... I LOVE Christian music.
Maybe that's what i need to do...
I like evangelizing... but only really to people I know...
i dunno. Babbling now i guess.
later.