april twentieth
My Grandma died one year ago today..its really hard to face that fact.
it was a nice day, i got a new phone, my entire family went out for dinner and not much was said.. which was nice, i really didnt wanna have an emotional day.
i had a dream a few nights ago about my grammy.. basically what happened was it was a situation where she was back for a day and i had that day to tell her everything i wanted to get out.. but when the day was over, i hardly said anything at all. im not sure what that means..
i had a dream a LOOOOOOng time ago about her that she wasnt really dead.. and that when we were burying her she just woke up basically and was like wtf.. it was bazarre.. my mom had a vision of her the other day, my sister has them all the time.. its almost like my sister is haunted by her. she is afraid to be alone in the house at times cuz my grammy is like.. there in a way. it sounds wierd but its just the way it is. i dont know.
i found out a while ago that one of the last things that happened with my mom and my grammy was an argument.. about me. when all the shit went down with me hurting myself, my grandma told my mom that she blamed her for not giving me the right attention and focusing on lauren.. my mom of course disagreed. i told my mom not to worry about it that it has nothing to do with her.. its just ME how i dothings.. but its sad to hear taht that was one of the last thoughts my grandma had.
i wish i could talk to her just once.. i want to tell her how great of a person she was, thank her for teaching me my alphabet, and just holdher. I was so afraid to hold her i didnt wanna hurt her and when she was in the shape i could have given her hugs and such i was to stuck on myself to do it. like now i dont hug my mom and i know if she was gone tomorrow i would regret it just as i do with gram. you think this would make me start changing things.. but im so stuck in my ways its hard. I miss my grandma so much.. sometimes just randomly i will think about her and cry.. which is good i guess but it just proves that i never dealt with it how i should have and am still grieving. i wish i was different and could express myself normally.. but instead i so my best not to find myself in conversations about her to keep from breaking down infront of people.
there is so much personal shit in this thing its odd.. im kinda glad no one reads it anymore lol. one day i will have to let wilson read it but im not ready for him to get into my head yet. maybe someday
it was a nice day, i got a new phone, my entire family went out for dinner and not much was said.. which was nice, i really didnt wanna have an emotional day.
i had a dream a few nights ago about my grammy.. basically what happened was it was a situation where she was back for a day and i had that day to tell her everything i wanted to get out.. but when the day was over, i hardly said anything at all. im not sure what that means..
i had a dream a LOOOOOOng time ago about her that she wasnt really dead.. and that when we were burying her she just woke up basically and was like wtf.. it was bazarre.. my mom had a vision of her the other day, my sister has them all the time.. its almost like my sister is haunted by her. she is afraid to be alone in the house at times cuz my grammy is like.. there in a way. it sounds wierd but its just the way it is. i dont know.
i found out a while ago that one of the last things that happened with my mom and my grammy was an argument.. about me. when all the shit went down with me hurting myself, my grandma told my mom that she blamed her for not giving me the right attention and focusing on lauren.. my mom of course disagreed. i told my mom not to worry about it that it has nothing to do with her.. its just ME how i dothings.. but its sad to hear taht that was one of the last thoughts my grandma had.
i wish i could talk to her just once.. i want to tell her how great of a person she was, thank her for teaching me my alphabet, and just holdher. I was so afraid to hold her i didnt wanna hurt her and when she was in the shape i could have given her hugs and such i was to stuck on myself to do it. like now i dont hug my mom and i know if she was gone tomorrow i would regret it just as i do with gram. you think this would make me start changing things.. but im so stuck in my ways its hard. I miss my grandma so much.. sometimes just randomly i will think about her and cry.. which is good i guess but it just proves that i never dealt with it how i should have and am still grieving. i wish i was different and could express myself normally.. but instead i so my best not to find myself in conversations about her to keep from breaking down infront of people.
there is so much personal shit in this thing its odd.. im kinda glad no one reads it anymore lol. one day i will have to let wilson read it but im not ready for him to get into my head yet. maybe someday