Because it was funny and I needed a laugh, and so do you!
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR OF EMAILS
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl
in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
"Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face....disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation
Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because
he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because
it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab your leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer
drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl
in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
"Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face....disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation
Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because
he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because
it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab your leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer
drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.