It's Still Not a Too-mah
Back in late 2009 I shared with you the magical properties of my face and the resulting diagnosis. Which, it turns out, wasn't exactly true. That explains why the headaches just pointed and laughed when attacked by the epically pricey migraine meds. Then the headaches changed. I've had them daily for quite some time, and the question is simply whether they're bad enough that I can't function. Late last year, I started getting New and Improved Headaches! Now with Increased Snoring and Nosebleeds! That's odd. Rhonda's nose never bleeds at home. Or anywhere else. Ever. Alarmed by the new turn of events, I called my doctor.
Don't get me wrong, I've always been fascinated by blood and just about anything else that can ooze from a body. I'm just gross that way. And honestly? By general nosebleed standards, mine were minor. However, in my many years on this earth I've never had a nosebleed, including the times I've been hit in the nose by something (Oh, we won't even discuss the "cartoon rake incident of 1978"). So the daily appearance of some form of blood, running or dry, in the nostril on the same side of my head where all my issues are, was alarming. I went to see my cute doctor. I described the new symptoms, and she decided to send me off for a sleep study which, by the way, really means, "Let's put electrodes and tape and goop all over this person's hair, face, nose and legs. Then let's video everything, and see if she can sleep."
The results came back with the rather vague result of "not sleep apnea, but sleep disordered breathing." The reliable Dr. Interwebs informed me that SDB can cause morning and evening headaches. Wow. My morning and evening headaches are the most severe. Two of the three suggestions for relief do not help. The third, a dental device, is out of the question. My dentist won't do it for his TMJ patients, of which I am one. He did, however, notice that my soft palate and uvula hang low in my airway, and that's probably causing my snoring. Soooo, back to the previously unhelpful ENT for a more thorough exam and discussion of options.
Apparently "more thorough exam" means "Let's torture Rhonda for fun!" Seriously, y'all. If your ENT ever talks about using a scope, run. Run fast and far away, because it's the opposite of pleasant. Unless, of course, you enjoy sucking partially cooked udon noodles up your nose, and then pulling them back out. Nurse Ratched told me the doctor was going to scope my nose, so she had to spray it first. I was sitting in the chair thinking I'm going to get a quick squirt of something to help the little scope go up my nose a bit. What I got was a mechanical blast of liquid up my right nostril, followed immediately by the most acidic, bitter horrible taste going down my throat.
Me: Oh! God! Oh! Oh! Ack!
Nurse Ratched: Yeeeeaah. It doesn't taste very good. Now for the next nostril.
Me: Um. Oh! God! Oh! Oh! Ack!
After the nurse left the room, I felt my esophagus closing. I panicked, thinking I was allergic to the spray and was about to go into anaphylactic shock. Then I realized the spray was just a deadening agent, and parts of my head were going to be more numb than usual. Note to Nurse Ratched: Horrible taste and loss of feeling are two things it might be reeeeaally helpful to tell patients about before you blast that crap up their noses!
As I waited for the doctor to arrive, Nurse Ratched returned with the scope. Wow. My bad for previously assuming the "little" part. Because this was about to go up my nose. Jeebus, was he going to examine my stomach contents too?
My doctor came in and we discussed my issues and my sleep study results. Then he proceeded to shove that snake up my nose. My hands clenched the armrests and my butt magically rose from the seat. I couldn't imagine what this would feel like if I hadn't had the wretched Ratched spray. My sadistic doctor then asked me questions. Um, seriously? I can barely tolerate this thing you're working around inside my head while you poke my nasal cavities and soft palate from the inside, and you want to know stuff? Were you a dentist in a former life?
After the exam, he said the most romantic thing. "Well, your palate and uvula aren't horrible." What a charmer he is. Then he outlined my options:
The dreaded CPAP, which is 100% effective at curing the snoring and allows us to determine if curing the snoring also stops the headaches. Sadly, the CPAP, especially in conjunction with the Ultra Sexy Mouth Guard I already wear, is also 100% effective at eliminating any spontaneous...erm...bedroom activities. Neither Lindsey nor I harbor fighter pilot fantasies. Besides, I'm secretly scared of what would happen if I got up to pee in the middle of the night.
Coblation Palatoplasty, which is about 85% effective at curing the snoring. If I'm in the 85%, we can determine if it also cures the headaches. It's kind of a cool procedure, despite the fact that they're gently burning channels into my soft palate while I'm awake. Sadly, insurance doesn't cover the procedure. However, once it's done (and, in some cases, redone), that's it. No ongoing maintenance, batteries, or Top Gun jokes.
I've gone back and forth about the whole thing, and I'm going to gamble on the the coblation. Because I'm vain, I don't want to deal with this anymore, and I really think that opening my airway during my waking hours will make my daytime headaches go away as well. Also? I never want to be tempted to say "Luuuke. I am your faaaather."
Don't get me wrong, I've always been fascinated by blood and just about anything else that can ooze from a body. I'm just gross that way. And honestly? By general nosebleed standards, mine were minor. However, in my many years on this earth I've never had a nosebleed, including the times I've been hit in the nose by something (Oh, we won't even discuss the "cartoon rake incident of 1978"). So the daily appearance of some form of blood, running or dry, in the nostril on the same side of my head where all my issues are, was alarming. I went to see my cute doctor. I described the new symptoms, and she decided to send me off for a sleep study which, by the way, really means, "Let's put electrodes and tape and goop all over this person's hair, face, nose and legs. Then let's video everything, and see if she can sleep."
The results came back with the rather vague result of "not sleep apnea, but sleep disordered breathing." The reliable Dr. Interwebs informed me that SDB can cause morning and evening headaches. Wow. My morning and evening headaches are the most severe. Two of the three suggestions for relief do not help. The third, a dental device, is out of the question. My dentist won't do it for his TMJ patients, of which I am one. He did, however, notice that my soft palate and uvula hang low in my airway, and that's probably causing my snoring. Soooo, back to the previously unhelpful ENT for a more thorough exam and discussion of options.
Apparently "more thorough exam" means "Let's torture Rhonda for fun!" Seriously, y'all. If your ENT ever talks about using a scope, run. Run fast and far away, because it's the opposite of pleasant. Unless, of course, you enjoy sucking partially cooked udon noodles up your nose, and then pulling them back out. Nurse Ratched told me the doctor was going to scope my nose, so she had to spray it first. I was sitting in the chair thinking I'm going to get a quick squirt of something to help the little scope go up my nose a bit. What I got was a mechanical blast of liquid up my right nostril, followed immediately by the most acidic, bitter horrible taste going down my throat.
Me: Oh! God! Oh! Oh! Ack!
Nurse Ratched: Yeeeeaah. It doesn't taste very good. Now for the next nostril.
Me: Um. Oh! God! Oh! Oh! Ack!
After the nurse left the room, I felt my esophagus closing. I panicked, thinking I was allergic to the spray and was about to go into anaphylactic shock. Then I realized the spray was just a deadening agent, and parts of my head were going to be more numb than usual. Note to Nurse Ratched: Horrible taste and loss of feeling are two things it might be reeeeaally helpful to tell patients about before you blast that crap up their noses!
As I waited for the doctor to arrive, Nurse Ratched returned with the scope. Wow. My bad for previously assuming the "little" part. Because this was about to go up my nose. Jeebus, was he going to examine my stomach contents too?
My doctor came in and we discussed my issues and my sleep study results. Then he proceeded to shove that snake up my nose. My hands clenched the armrests and my butt magically rose from the seat. I couldn't imagine what this would feel like if I hadn't had the wretched Ratched spray. My sadistic doctor then asked me questions. Um, seriously? I can barely tolerate this thing you're working around inside my head while you poke my nasal cavities and soft palate from the inside, and you want to know stuff? Were you a dentist in a former life?
After the exam, he said the most romantic thing. "Well, your palate and uvula aren't horrible." What a charmer he is. Then he outlined my options:
The dreaded CPAP, which is 100% effective at curing the snoring and allows us to determine if curing the snoring also stops the headaches. Sadly, the CPAP, especially in conjunction with the Ultra Sexy Mouth Guard I already wear, is also 100% effective at eliminating any spontaneous...erm...bedroom activities. Neither Lindsey nor I harbor fighter pilot fantasies. Besides, I'm secretly scared of what would happen if I got up to pee in the middle of the night.
Coblation Palatoplasty, which is about 85% effective at curing the snoring. If I'm in the 85%, we can determine if it also cures the headaches. It's kind of a cool procedure, despite the fact that they're gently burning channels into my soft palate while I'm awake. Sadly, insurance doesn't cover the procedure. However, once it's done (and, in some cases, redone), that's it. No ongoing maintenance, batteries, or Top Gun jokes.
I've gone back and forth about the whole thing, and I'm going to gamble on the the coblation. Because I'm vain, I don't want to deal with this anymore, and I really think that opening my airway during my waking hours will make my daytime headaches go away as well. Also? I never want to be tempted to say "Luuuke. I am your faaaather."