Playing on my deepest fear
I'm at home recovering from having my radius bone broken in my right arm and my C2 vertebra broken in a car crash in which I had to have the roof cut off the car in order to extract me. I have been very lucky that the C2 break turned out to be stable and didn't require surgery.
I'm (impatiently) waiting for the days to go past so that I can get the neck collar off and the plaster off my arm so that I get begin to return to normality. I'm unable to go out without someone making sure I can get down the stairs safely due to the fact I cannot look down. The bannister is also on my right hand side so I am unable to grasp it to get down unsupervised. I am looking forward to freedom!
Here's the thing. All my life I have had a fear of immobility, of being held down and not able to move. I have no idea where it came from but it even shows in my dislike of tight clothing and of being held too strongly and especially of being tucked into a bed with very taut covers. If I am in a hotel which does just that then all sheets have to get pulled out before I can go to sleep.
When I worked for a disabled charity I came face to face with people who had experienced first hand suddenly being made immobile through spinal injuries. I heard their stories and I found them scary. Some of them were very active sportspeople, others had simply tripped over the cat, but all had sudden life changing injuries. I knew that their situation was my fear and I hoped it would not happen to me.
So how did I feel when I was told I had fractured my C2 vertebra? The hospital did not immediately discuss the possibilities with me, possibly thinking I didn't know what the implications were, but I did know. The fact that my reflexes all checked out was a good sign. I swallowed my fear and faced up to dealing with the situation at hand. After x-rays, MRI and CT scans and much discussion among the doctors it was decided my break was stable.
I have been extremely lucky. I cannot begin to emphasise how lucky I have been. Of all the injuries to get, it would have to be the one which played on my deepest fear.
I'm (impatiently) waiting for the days to go past so that I can get the neck collar off and the plaster off my arm so that I get begin to return to normality. I'm unable to go out without someone making sure I can get down the stairs safely due to the fact I cannot look down. The bannister is also on my right hand side so I am unable to grasp it to get down unsupervised. I am looking forward to freedom!
Here's the thing. All my life I have had a fear of immobility, of being held down and not able to move. I have no idea where it came from but it even shows in my dislike of tight clothing and of being held too strongly and especially of being tucked into a bed with very taut covers. If I am in a hotel which does just that then all sheets have to get pulled out before I can go to sleep.
When I worked for a disabled charity I came face to face with people who had experienced first hand suddenly being made immobile through spinal injuries. I heard their stories and I found them scary. Some of them were very active sportspeople, others had simply tripped over the cat, but all had sudden life changing injuries. I knew that their situation was my fear and I hoped it would not happen to me.
So how did I feel when I was told I had fractured my C2 vertebra? The hospital did not immediately discuss the possibilities with me, possibly thinking I didn't know what the implications were, but I did know. The fact that my reflexes all checked out was a good sign. I swallowed my fear and faced up to dealing with the situation at hand. After x-rays, MRI and CT scans and much discussion among the doctors it was decided my break was stable.
I have been extremely lucky. I cannot begin to emphasise how lucky I have been. Of all the injuries to get, it would have to be the one which played on my deepest fear.