Never Again, Again
All day I've been thinking about last night. I went over to a good friends house and some things happened. It had already happened once before a few years ago, but this time, I'm actually caring about him. The only problem is that he's leaving soon for an extended vacation, and he was staggering drunk last night. I kept trying to defer him, but it wasn't working. At least he respects when I say no. It's so hard, because the entire time I was regretting it and thinking about the class of 2 year olds in Sunday school I had to teach today and what a bad role model I was being for them. I'm not sure the standing with my friend. I enjoyed last night, as forbidden as parts of it were, and I was playing it back in my mind all day today. Sometimes I just want to let morals fly out the window, but I have enough self-respect than to do that. It just felt good, and he's a good guy, despite some cruddy things he's said and done. Recently I've been thinking about him more and more, maybe because it scares me that I don't know when I'll see him next. I care so much about him. I don't want to be reduced to friends with benefits though. That's not who I am at all. I want to talk to him and tell him these things, but I dunno. I think more than anything I know he has problems and it's my fight to save him that drives it. He's a good, sweet guy deep down; it's the devices he's using to push the pains in his life away that makes him a jerk sometimes. I worry that when he says "Don't worry. I'll keep this between you and me", he's embarrassed about having done things with me. I worry it was a booty call, even though there was no sex of any kind going on, although not if he'd had his way. So much to think about last night. I don't want to be just the girl he goes to when all the others are gone. I don't want it to be like, well, no one else is available and I'd like a good time. I'll call HER. Such is life, the things I want, I can't get and the things I can get, I don't want. My only solice is that I know he will never read this.