Short life update and first try on Yoomin fiction =)
Okay, I started working this monday and...well, I didn't expect it to be difficult and it really isn't. We finished our project after the first two and a half days and now we have nothing to do - that means I'm earning my money by surfing the net and bore myself to death. I really need to take something to keep me busy tomorrow with me, maybe the book I'm reading or something like that.
Besides that, I'm finally done with my midterms and though they were pretty hard I guess I did not that bad. At least my feeling is pretty good actually, except for 报刊 maybe. But I'll see that on monday, I guess. Next week is going to be really nice, only classes on monday and the rest of the week off, don't have to work either, so finally a bit of time for myself after the exam stress ^^
And well, because I had nothing to do today at work I tried to write a little fanfiction, inspired by a song of Maria Mena (I so love her! She's aweseome!! Check her out if you have the time!!) It's just a short drabble, porbably full of grammar mistakes and well, it doesen't make sense either, but well, at least I tried XD
Title: Your glasses
Pairing: YooMin/Ski
Rating: PG
Genre: drama, angst
What could you possibly see in me?
Is it my soul hung out to dry?
I think my dysfunctional family
Has shaped it thought my life
What could you possibly like in me?
Do you like my ability to bend?
I think my fear of intimacy
Has shaped the time we spend
It isn't the first time you ask yourself how you managed to attract him to you, how it came that he ended up in your arms, telling you softly, that he loved you, that he would always be there for you, no matter what. And you had never once actually said you loved him too, only answered with gentle or passionate kisses or by pulling him nearer to you. You didn't fear physical intimacy. It was emotional intimacy you were scared of ever since the first time you heard your parents argue and fight. They told you and your younger brother that they still loved each other, that they just had some things they had different opinions on and that grown ups did argue from time to time. Yohwan believed them, they were your parents after all and parents don't lie, do they?
But you saw how they destroyed each other, every day a bit more, taking each other down piece by piece. Until there was nothing more left.
You still don't understand how people who love each other can do something like that to each other. And that is was made you so afraid.
"Changmin-ah..." you whisper nearly inaudible, knowing he is sleeping soundly wrapped in your embrace, a small smile playing around his lips. You don't know what it is that keeps him at your side, what he sees in you that makes him love you as he tells you every day. And if he loves you, will he be able to hurt you as much as your parents hurt each other? You feel a pang of guilt in your heart for just thinking he would be able to do something that. But none the less, there is still that little voice of doubt in the back of your mind, nagging at you, depriving you of sleep at night.
What could you possibly love in me?
Is it the way I wear my smile
It hangs from the tipof my tongue you see
Oh this might take awhile...
I always looked in through your glasses
But all I can see
Is the specter of me reflected
The empty shell of me
Standing in front of the mirror you try to figure out what he sees when he looks at you. You smile at yourself, but it doesn't reach your eyes and suddenly you fear that it's like that when you smile at him, even though you really mean it. He is the only one able to make you smile in all honesty, being truly happy, even if it's just for a few moments. Then the fear comes back, fear of being hurt and broken, just like your parents. You hold him close to yourself, drown in his warmth, try to loose yourself in him beyond all doubt, but each time you want to get closer to him you push him away by saying words better left unsaid. You scream at him, accusing him of flirting with Jaejoong, hugging Yunho to long, playing games with Junsu as an excuse to be close to him instead of being with you. You know that it's not true, that it can't be true, because he's your Changmin and he would never do something like that. And despite all that you can't stop.
And suddenly you realize, that in your fear of getting hurt and torn to pieces, you started to do exactly that to the one you love.
Now he was the one who began running from you. He didn't hurt you, you'd done enough of that already. He just told you that being together with you broke him, slowly, piece by piece, and as much as he loved you, he couldn't stand it any longer. You just stared at him, unable to answer, to say anything, to feel anything. He waited, seeming to expect an answer and in his eyes you saw the desperate hope that you would say you're sorry and you'd change yourself for him. But you couldn't, so he left, leaving you behind, to numb to even cry. You pushed him into the arms of another without even knowing it.
But yow it's better for him to be away from you, before you hurt him beyond healing, leaving scars on his soul that made you exactly the way you are now.
Besides that, I'm finally done with my midterms and though they were pretty hard I guess I did not that bad. At least my feeling is pretty good actually, except for 报刊 maybe. But I'll see that on monday, I guess. Next week is going to be really nice, only classes on monday and the rest of the week off, don't have to work either, so finally a bit of time for myself after the exam stress ^^
And well, because I had nothing to do today at work I tried to write a little fanfiction, inspired by a song of Maria Mena (I so love her! She's aweseome!! Check her out if you have the time!!) It's just a short drabble, porbably full of grammar mistakes and well, it doesen't make sense either, but well, at least I tried XD
Title: Your glasses
Pairing: YooMin/Ski
Rating: PG
Genre: drama, angst
What could you possibly see in me?
Is it my soul hung out to dry?
I think my dysfunctional family
Has shaped it thought my life
What could you possibly like in me?
Do you like my ability to bend?
I think my fear of intimacy
Has shaped the time we spend
It isn't the first time you ask yourself how you managed to attract him to you, how it came that he ended up in your arms, telling you softly, that he loved you, that he would always be there for you, no matter what. And you had never once actually said you loved him too, only answered with gentle or passionate kisses or by pulling him nearer to you. You didn't fear physical intimacy. It was emotional intimacy you were scared of ever since the first time you heard your parents argue and fight. They told you and your younger brother that they still loved each other, that they just had some things they had different opinions on and that grown ups did argue from time to time. Yohwan believed them, they were your parents after all and parents don't lie, do they?
But you saw how they destroyed each other, every day a bit more, taking each other down piece by piece. Until there was nothing more left.
You still don't understand how people who love each other can do something like that to each other. And that is was made you so afraid.
"Changmin-ah..." you whisper nearly inaudible, knowing he is sleeping soundly wrapped in your embrace, a small smile playing around his lips. You don't know what it is that keeps him at your side, what he sees in you that makes him love you as he tells you every day. And if he loves you, will he be able to hurt you as much as your parents hurt each other? You feel a pang of guilt in your heart for just thinking he would be able to do something that. But none the less, there is still that little voice of doubt in the back of your mind, nagging at you, depriving you of sleep at night.
What could you possibly love in me?
Is it the way I wear my smile
It hangs from the tipof my tongue you see
Oh this might take awhile...
I always looked in through your glasses
But all I can see
Is the specter of me reflected
The empty shell of me
Standing in front of the mirror you try to figure out what he sees when he looks at you. You smile at yourself, but it doesn't reach your eyes and suddenly you fear that it's like that when you smile at him, even though you really mean it. He is the only one able to make you smile in all honesty, being truly happy, even if it's just for a few moments. Then the fear comes back, fear of being hurt and broken, just like your parents. You hold him close to yourself, drown in his warmth, try to loose yourself in him beyond all doubt, but each time you want to get closer to him you push him away by saying words better left unsaid. You scream at him, accusing him of flirting with Jaejoong, hugging Yunho to long, playing games with Junsu as an excuse to be close to him instead of being with you. You know that it's not true, that it can't be true, because he's your Changmin and he would never do something like that. And despite all that you can't stop.
And suddenly you realize, that in your fear of getting hurt and torn to pieces, you started to do exactly that to the one you love.
Now he was the one who began running from you. He didn't hurt you, you'd done enough of that already. He just told you that being together with you broke him, slowly, piece by piece, and as much as he loved you, he couldn't stand it any longer. You just stared at him, unable to answer, to say anything, to feel anything. He waited, seeming to expect an answer and in his eyes you saw the desperate hope that you would say you're sorry and you'd change yourself for him. But you couldn't, so he left, leaving you behind, to numb to even cry. You pushed him into the arms of another without even knowing it.
But yow it's better for him to be away from you, before you hurt him beyond healing, leaving scars on his soul that made you exactly the way you are now.