Public Service Announcement

[rhiawolf]

didn't post last night because computer called in sick. M (my computer's first initial - yes, of course I named my computer, duh!) is apparently feeling better today. I'll keep my eyes open though.

Anyway, tonight, I'm here to post a public service announcement. Yes, it's

How to Get Kissed

night here at Rhiawolf's Den.

Rhia's advice for getting me to kiss you:

See, I'm a kissing slut. I'll kiss most people. I'm all about being demure and only being sexual with the people I truly feel passionate about lately, but kissing? Kissing is just fun, and I like to do it.

So, if you want me to kiss you, you probably won't have to work very hard.

You do, however, have to meet a handful of minimum criteria, and I think these criteria will probably apply pretty much across the board to ever getting kissed by anyone, so listen up:

1) Brush your teeth.

Hell, it doesn't even have to be every day - just a few times a week minimum, and make sure to include within a few hours of the kiss. No, mouthwash doesn't cut it, and neither do breath mints. Mouthwash and breath mints are for after dinner when you've eaten something smelly (like onions or coffee - yes coffee smells great on the outside but sometimes creates a horrible stench after it goes down), or maybe if you've just had a cigarette (though there's not a huge amount to be done about cigarette, really...).

Brushing your teeth is to get rid of the disgusting bacteria that nest in your mouth and make it reek like night of the living dead. Only brushing works, though flossing probably doubles the effectiveness and mouth wash is a nice friendly sidekick. Be sure and remember to brush your tongue and the roof of your mouth as well, since bacteria can nest on them too.

I like pretty teeth, sure, but looks aren't eveything, and I have a spot or two of my own. What I really care about is a) I do not want to be able to taste the rot on someone else's tongue and b) I do not want to be able to feel the congealed slime on someone else's tongue. It's just gross.

Don't check in the mirror to see if your teeth look ok. Don't you even try to smell your own breath (it's not really possible most of the time). Just brush your teeth. It's not that hard, and no, I don't care if it hurts your gums. I have no sympathy in this area. Brush. Brush well.

2) Bathe.

Again, for some people, once a week is enough, but again there are bacteria that nest in all the little crannies on your body, and they smell really foul. Nerve sweat is kind of icky, but nobody can help it. Everyone has their deodorant fail from time to time, and I'm not even opposed to the concept of going without deodorant (though I use Tom's of Maine unscented, myself). Anyway, I can deal with nerve sweat now and then. Hard labor sweat is usually sexy, and sex sweat is always yummy. Sweat is not the problem. The problem is when a person smells vaguely like gangrene or some other, equally nauseating, flesh-rotting illness. Don't risk it. Smell your clothes well before you don them. Never wear the same socks twice without washing them first. And bathe. With soap. If you exfoliate well (i.e. rubbing something mildly scratchy all over your body to remove dead skin), you can usually go a little longer before the next shower, but do yourself the favor of committing to one good, dedicated, thorough bath or shower a week, minimum. Be vary aware of your own bodily odors. Some people really do need to bathe every day.

Bacteria often smell bad. It's just a fact of life. Bad smelling bacteria need to go away. If there are bad smelling bacteria on you, you need to stand too far away to kiss me. I'm sorry.

3) Wash Your Face.

This is sort of a subset of #2, I know, but since I really like men with beards, it merits its own paragraph. If there is anything gross on your lips, or anywhere else that any part of my face might touch - cheeks, chin, nose, etc (gross things include, for example, the remains of your dinner, cat saliva - yes I did need to include cat saliva, or a dirty beard), I don't want to kiss you. To avoid this, wash your face regularly, especially if you have a beard. I love beards. I really do. But smelly beards or beards with bits of goo in them are So Gross.

#3 becomes especially important after oral sex. No, no, I don't need you to break the mood by running into the other room to wash your face. It's fine. The taste and the smell can be very sexy. But for the sake of all that is good and right in this world PLEASE Wipe Your Face before you kiss me. I don't need the feel of cold slime on my cheeks and chin while I kiss you. I know it's my own slime, and it's nice happy slime, but it still feels like slime. On my face. Slime. I know it's on your face too, but at least it was still warm when you got it on your face. Cheeks aren't as warm as yonis, and slimy things cool off fast. Cold slime is just grosser. It just is. This paragraph is 6,000 times more important if you have a beard.

And after the encounter, wash. If you have a beard, be sure to use soap. Some things in life are only good while fresh.

Those are the basic rules. Follow those, and you might very well be able to get me to kiss you. Try anything else at your own risk, but kissing I can often do.

And for those of you who are worried that this post is about you, it's not. It's based on a collection of many many different experiences over the course of a kiss-filled life. Don't stress about the advice - just follow it.

I love you all!

Love,

Rhia