The Ex
Ok so you all well know that my friend Gil is staying with me, well I absolutely hate his ex girlfriend Jessica now I know what your thinking I hate all my friends girlfriends that is true but none the less she is a fucking twit I shall now illustrate this point with this story. Just a little background Gil for some reason insists that I am in no way smarter or more clever than his ex therefore these incidents were all the more joyful when recounted to me being that Gil has no defense when I tell him Jessica is a simp. Gil and Jess went to the bar at Haggin Oaks Golf Course a couple weeks ago (a bar she used to work at) now for some reason Gil let her borrow like 60 bucks well she ended up leaving her wallet behind when they left something she immediately noticed so she called the bar and they told her they had it and she should come pick it up they returned to the bar where the bartender tells her that it has been locked in the safe at the pro shop and the pro shop is closed so she’ll have to come back in the morning. Jess comes back the next day only to get the run around, they look in the safe and tell her since its not in there that it must still be at the bar the bar tells her its in the safe at the pro shop and so on so she decides to come back the next day since the manager has promised her it would be worked out by then. She comes back the next day to the same run around so she ends up talking to the bartender again who tells her that he is sure he gave her wallet to the new girl at the pro shop and told her to lock it in the safe in talking to one of her friends that still works there she finds out that the new girl at the pro shop looks just like her. At this point she still doesn't find anything suspicious about that so Gil points out that maybe she should call her bank and see what her balance is SURPRISE her account was drained so its on to another mission at the bank where they tell her she needs to file a police report and bring them an affidavit and what not and they’ll be happy to cover her losses. So she goes to the police station and they tell her the only place she can file the reports is the station on greenback and its only open until 1pm and its closed on weekends so she ends up having to wait another 2 days to file. Monday rolls around and she goes down to the station this is when Gil finds out she only had like 30 bucks in her bank account to begin with bringing her total losses up to $50 and Gills losses up to $70 so the police don't even want to file the report because its not work there time and they cant really arrest anyone anyway well she gets her affidavit and all that and heads off to the bank Gil waits in the car. After about 15 minutes she comes running out to the car crying this is where her brilliance really shines through I mean this is MENSA quality shit right here levitate objects with your mind Stephen Hawking fucking genius apparently the bank asked her the usual questions if her card was signed, did she have her pin number written down, was her pin number something easy like her birth date or phone number shit like that. Unfortunately her brilliance was not to be surpassed by her clever ingenuity in a situation that any normal person would have interpreted as a time to lie not only did it turn out that her FUCKING pin number was written on the back of her card but also her pin number was her name (jess aka 5377 for those of you looking at the keypad on a phone right now) now I don't know about you but I don't have a hell of a lot of trouble remembering the first four letters of my name id have even less if two of them were the same and placed conveniently next to each other but then again I would also never use my name for a pin number because on the scale that measures your intellect I'm a few steps above Corky from life goes on and the dog that played Spuds Mackenzie it would be one thing if she had done all that and lied when they asked her but no when your genetics have given you the brain power of an inbred squirrel you nod your head and tell them the truth so the bank told her they would only cover 10% of her losses so that’s what like 3 bucks woo hoo now she can buy that Rolex she’s always wanted. Then the plan develops I would like to point out that had this happened to Myself or Terra we would not only have gotten our money back from the bank we would have also lied to police about the contents of our wallet and had them do something about it and we certainly would not let the bitch that stole it get off scott free we’d (and I say we because regardless of which one of us she stole from we’d work together to get her) go up to her work wait for her to get off and I guarantee there would be a blood filled confrontation involving a tee ball bat, mace, her car, and parts of her body she probably wouldn’t like broken. So Jess comes up with her version of the plan I just outlined in her version she goes down to the girls work and tells her that she saw her on the video tape taking out her money and if the girl gives it back she wont press charges needless to say not only would that in no way get the mental and physical results that risking catching a case while beating a 19 year old girl senseless and sodomizing her with a tiny bat will she pussed out of doing it anyway. My story concludes with this not only do I feel vindicated that Gil dates girls with the content of a beanie baby (they look cute on but once you’ve seen too many of them you just want them all to die, oh yeah and their heads are full of little plastic beads) but I don't know if I can hate some one that stupid I mean if I'm going to take the effort to hate you I feel you should at least pose a viable threat if I light your car on fire I should fear retribution not fear you knocking on my door crying and asking why so now I just pity her and show mild distain when