my breastfeeding journey
When I was pregnant with Sabrina, I had plenty of plans. Those plans included a natural birth (check) and breastfeeding (check). Surprisingly the natural birth was the easy part thanks to Sabrina. When she decided that it was time, she wanted out and wanted out now! I woke up in labor at 12:30am, my water broke at 3:30 on the way to the hospital, I was pushing by about 4 or 4:15, and she was born at 4:33 am. I consider myself very lucky to have had such an easy labor (it was still hard, but easy in comparison to many of the stories I've heard). I thought breastfeeding would be a breeze.
After the nurses cleaned up Sabrina and made sure she was healthy, they handed her to me. I immediately tried to latch her on to breastfeed her. She latched on pretty easily, but her latch was absolutely awful. I could only get her to latch on to my left breast and after only two sessions of nursing my nipple was torn up and bleeding. I mentioned the problem to one of the nurses and she was very nice and helped me try different positions to get Sabrina to latch on to the right breast so I could get a little relief on my left one. Her latch got better, too. At the hospital she was nursing every two hours and sleeping in between. It was surreal. In fact the first week, or maybe even two weeks, remained like that and I was in wonder at how easy this whole mom thing was. But that's where easy ended.
I don't remember exactly when things changed, but I think it may have been sometime after my sister visited (I think when Sabrina was around 4 weeks old). Sabrina had always been very fussy at night, constantly wanting to nurse, but then she started doing this during the day. She stopped napping. I had to nurse her constantly. I couldn't put her down. I was going insane. Mike would sometimes have to come home late and I was fuming out of frustration, unfairly angry at him for having to work, and I would be in tears by the time he got home. I thought maybe it was just a growth spurt. But it continued. Mike saw how miserable I was and he started offering to give her a bottle of my expressed breastmilk in the evening. At first I was against the idea, afraid it would hurt my supply, but after a while I took him up on the offer every few nights when I'd had especially bad days. My sister warned me against doing this too often, saying Sabrina may be trying to up my supply, but at this point I just didn't care. My nipples were raw, I cried almost every time I had to feed her, and I started resenting breastfeeding. Not only that, I started resenting Sabrina and feeling so guilty for it. I wanted to stop breastfeeding so badly, but I knew it was the best thing for her and I felt guilty for wanting to give her formula. I thought about weaning her all the time, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wished for any excuse to stop breastfeeding her, and I soon got one.
At her 2 month appointment she weighed in pretty low. She had fallen from the 25 percentile to under the 3 percentile on the chart. At that point, I had just started working on improving her latch over the past 2 weeks, so I told the pediatrician that I wasn't going to supplement quite yet and we would wait to see what she weighed in a week. Turns out I did have to supplement during that week anyway when Sabrina went to daycare because I couldn't pump enough. But at her her next appointment, she'd only gained 2 ounces. I was devastated and consumed with guilt, I felt like I'd been starving my daughter. I started supplementing with formula after every nursing session. By the next week's appt she had gained a pound! I was shocked, but happy. In hindsight, I wonder if I overcompensated, but it seemed to be what Sabrina wanted. Her whole demeanor changed. She started interacting with her Dad and I. She went longer between feedings. She was happy instead of crying all the time. It was like she was a different baby, and my resentment slowly started fading away. But I felt like a complete failure for not being able to supply my daughter with the breastmilk she needed.
I contemplated fully weaning her, but I knew that some breastmilk was better than none, so I kept going. I still worked on trying to increase my supply. I would nurse her almost every time she was hungry, at least once per side and for about 45 minutes, but if she didn't seem satisfied afterwards I would offer her a bottle. At one point she was getting probably 50/50 in breastmilk and formula. It killed me every time I had to supplement, and it was depressing. I felt like my breastmilk had failed, that I was a failure as a mother. I knew that those feelings were not reasonable, I knew logically I was doing the best I could, but it didn't feel like it. Instead I felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. I became obsessed with my breastmilk supply and it's all I could think about. Mike was supportive of my breastfeeding, but he grew tired of hearing me complain about how much formula I had to supplement with and my constant anxiety over having enough milk. I couldn't help it, it consumed my thoughts. I was so stressed all the time, and I was torn between wanting to give my daughter the best and just wanting to quit and not care anymore. Guilt is what kept me going.
Right around 4 months is when I really started enjoying breastfeeding. Sabrina went from 45 minutes of breastfeeding down to about 15 minutes. It was wonderful. The best times were when she would unlatch and look up at me with this big grin on her face. It just made me feel so warm. I started feeling more driven to try to increase my milk supply and get her off of formula. I was taking a vacation to California to see my family in June and I decided to use that week to try to up my supply and get Sabrina off of formula. I thought about my different options, including fenugreek (which I'd already tried and didn't work for me), Reglan, and Domperidone. I talked with my sister about it and she really encouraged me to try Domperidone, even getting me in contact with someone on a lactation forum who was selling them. Up until that point I hadn't told my sister that I was supplementing with formula - partly because I felt guilty that I had to supplement, but mainly because I wasn't ready until then to hear any more advice about increasing my supply. Up until that point I had gone back and forth with wanting to wean Sabrina, and I was just tired of trying to breastfeed. I had wanted to quit and didn't want to hear how to keep going.
So I went to the doctor and tried to get a prescription for Domperidone so I could take it legally, but the doctor (family doctor, not ob/gyn) said she wasn't comfortable prescribing it but she would prescribe me Reglan and give me a referral to an ob/gyn. I made the appt with the ob/gyn but couldn't get in until after the vacation, so I started with the Reglan. I'm happy to say that I did not have to supplement while I was in California, which made me feel really good. I was really hopeful that I could stop supplementing altogether, but those hopes were dashed when she returned to daycare.
I started off Sabrina with smaller bottles than she'd had before at daycare, but her providers told me she was fussing after the bottles and that she wanted more. I didn't want Sabrina to go hungry, so I increased the amount despite my doubts. But she would suck down 6 ounces easily, and that seemed to be what she wanted. Once again, I was having to give 1-2 bottles of formula a day at daycare. But I didn't supplement at home, not even on the weekends. I continued to take the Reglan and then got a prescription from the ob for Domperidone and started taking that instead for a few weeks. My pump output did not increase, so I felt like maybe I just wasn't able to empty my breasts with the pump. I always maxed out at 1 oz per hour.
But I started doubting that Sabrina really needed that much at daycare and started really paying attention to her daily feedback form. I noticed that they were feeding her at times that I suspected she was tired instead of hungry. Some days she would have two 6 ounce bottles within 2 hours. One day she was given all her milk within 5 hours. I was so upset but didn't know what do. I thought that since Sabrina was gaining weight appropriately then maybe she really was hungry. Their directions were to feed on demand, and sometimes the only thing that would calm Sabrina was a bottle. So they gave her a bottle.
I decided at about 6 months that it was time that Sabrina was able to go longer between feedings. I was always feeding her on demand, so she would eat sometimes 2 hours apart, sometimes 3, sometimes an hour. It was very frustrating and unpredictable. I started encouraging her to go longer between feedings (I did not make her cry, just distracted her through play or walks), until we were soon at 2 1/2 to 3 hours between feeding. I started being able to recognize when she was tired versus hungry versus just cranky. Things improved quite a bit. Once I got this routine going on at home, I decided to implement it at daycare. This was by no means a strict feeding schedule...it was more that I wanted them to start trying other things to calm her besides a bottle if it hadn't been at least 2 1/2 hours since her bottle. And it worked - mostly. She was still drinking the same amount of milk, but the bottles were spread apart. I no longer had to worry if she needed more bottles or would get hungry before I could get there to pick her up. Once she started going regularly between bottles, I started reducing her milk 1/2 ounce at a time to see what would happen. She kept going the same amount of time between bottles. At that point, I was able to provide her with two 5 oz breastmilk bottles a day and then a 6 ounce bottle of formula. I resigned myself to the fact that she'd probably have to continue that last bottle of formula.
Then at about 7 months old, Sabrina started changing her eating habits. She started drinking less milk from her bottles, maybe due to the solids she was eating. She started falling into a routine of only drinking 2.5 oz in the morning and 4 ounces out of the rest of her bottles. That was an attainable amount of milk for me. I kept waiting for that to change, for her to start wanting more. But it didn't. I was finally able to stop supplementing with formula soon after that.
Some might wonder why I was so excited to stop supplementing with formula when Sabrina was almost 8 months old and eating solids. It's not like she was exclusively getting my breastmilk, so what's the difference with supplementing with formula or solids? I guess it's just that I had tried for so long, and it felt like a victory to have finally been able to provide her the milk she needed. I knew that I could continue breastfeeding her until a year, which was my original goal. And now that she's just about to turn one year old, I'm very happy that I worked so hard to continue our breastfeeding relationship. And it seems a shame to stop now...
After the nurses cleaned up Sabrina and made sure she was healthy, they handed her to me. I immediately tried to latch her on to breastfeed her. She latched on pretty easily, but her latch was absolutely awful. I could only get her to latch on to my left breast and after only two sessions of nursing my nipple was torn up and bleeding. I mentioned the problem to one of the nurses and she was very nice and helped me try different positions to get Sabrina to latch on to the right breast so I could get a little relief on my left one. Her latch got better, too. At the hospital she was nursing every two hours and sleeping in between. It was surreal. In fact the first week, or maybe even two weeks, remained like that and I was in wonder at how easy this whole mom thing was. But that's where easy ended.
I don't remember exactly when things changed, but I think it may have been sometime after my sister visited (I think when Sabrina was around 4 weeks old). Sabrina had always been very fussy at night, constantly wanting to nurse, but then she started doing this during the day. She stopped napping. I had to nurse her constantly. I couldn't put her down. I was going insane. Mike would sometimes have to come home late and I was fuming out of frustration, unfairly angry at him for having to work, and I would be in tears by the time he got home. I thought maybe it was just a growth spurt. But it continued. Mike saw how miserable I was and he started offering to give her a bottle of my expressed breastmilk in the evening. At first I was against the idea, afraid it would hurt my supply, but after a while I took him up on the offer every few nights when I'd had especially bad days. My sister warned me against doing this too often, saying Sabrina may be trying to up my supply, but at this point I just didn't care. My nipples were raw, I cried almost every time I had to feed her, and I started resenting breastfeeding. Not only that, I started resenting Sabrina and feeling so guilty for it. I wanted to stop breastfeeding so badly, but I knew it was the best thing for her and I felt guilty for wanting to give her formula. I thought about weaning her all the time, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wished for any excuse to stop breastfeeding her, and I soon got one.
At her 2 month appointment she weighed in pretty low. She had fallen from the 25 percentile to under the 3 percentile on the chart. At that point, I had just started working on improving her latch over the past 2 weeks, so I told the pediatrician that I wasn't going to supplement quite yet and we would wait to see what she weighed in a week. Turns out I did have to supplement during that week anyway when Sabrina went to daycare because I couldn't pump enough. But at her her next appointment, she'd only gained 2 ounces. I was devastated and consumed with guilt, I felt like I'd been starving my daughter. I started supplementing with formula after every nursing session. By the next week's appt she had gained a pound! I was shocked, but happy. In hindsight, I wonder if I overcompensated, but it seemed to be what Sabrina wanted. Her whole demeanor changed. She started interacting with her Dad and I. She went longer between feedings. She was happy instead of crying all the time. It was like she was a different baby, and my resentment slowly started fading away. But I felt like a complete failure for not being able to supply my daughter with the breastmilk she needed.
I contemplated fully weaning her, but I knew that some breastmilk was better than none, so I kept going. I still worked on trying to increase my supply. I would nurse her almost every time she was hungry, at least once per side and for about 45 minutes, but if she didn't seem satisfied afterwards I would offer her a bottle. At one point she was getting probably 50/50 in breastmilk and formula. It killed me every time I had to supplement, and it was depressing. I felt like my breastmilk had failed, that I was a failure as a mother. I knew that those feelings were not reasonable, I knew logically I was doing the best I could, but it didn't feel like it. Instead I felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. I became obsessed with my breastmilk supply and it's all I could think about. Mike was supportive of my breastfeeding, but he grew tired of hearing me complain about how much formula I had to supplement with and my constant anxiety over having enough milk. I couldn't help it, it consumed my thoughts. I was so stressed all the time, and I was torn between wanting to give my daughter the best and just wanting to quit and not care anymore. Guilt is what kept me going.
Right around 4 months is when I really started enjoying breastfeeding. Sabrina went from 45 minutes of breastfeeding down to about 15 minutes. It was wonderful. The best times were when she would unlatch and look up at me with this big grin on her face. It just made me feel so warm. I started feeling more driven to try to increase my milk supply and get her off of formula. I was taking a vacation to California to see my family in June and I decided to use that week to try to up my supply and get Sabrina off of formula. I thought about my different options, including fenugreek (which I'd already tried and didn't work for me), Reglan, and Domperidone. I talked with my sister about it and she really encouraged me to try Domperidone, even getting me in contact with someone on a lactation forum who was selling them. Up until that point I hadn't told my sister that I was supplementing with formula - partly because I felt guilty that I had to supplement, but mainly because I wasn't ready until then to hear any more advice about increasing my supply. Up until that point I had gone back and forth with wanting to wean Sabrina, and I was just tired of trying to breastfeed. I had wanted to quit and didn't want to hear how to keep going.
So I went to the doctor and tried to get a prescription for Domperidone so I could take it legally, but the doctor (family doctor, not ob/gyn) said she wasn't comfortable prescribing it but she would prescribe me Reglan and give me a referral to an ob/gyn. I made the appt with the ob/gyn but couldn't get in until after the vacation, so I started with the Reglan. I'm happy to say that I did not have to supplement while I was in California, which made me feel really good. I was really hopeful that I could stop supplementing altogether, but those hopes were dashed when she returned to daycare.
I started off Sabrina with smaller bottles than she'd had before at daycare, but her providers told me she was fussing after the bottles and that she wanted more. I didn't want Sabrina to go hungry, so I increased the amount despite my doubts. But she would suck down 6 ounces easily, and that seemed to be what she wanted. Once again, I was having to give 1-2 bottles of formula a day at daycare. But I didn't supplement at home, not even on the weekends. I continued to take the Reglan and then got a prescription from the ob for Domperidone and started taking that instead for a few weeks. My pump output did not increase, so I felt like maybe I just wasn't able to empty my breasts with the pump. I always maxed out at 1 oz per hour.
But I started doubting that Sabrina really needed that much at daycare and started really paying attention to her daily feedback form. I noticed that they were feeding her at times that I suspected she was tired instead of hungry. Some days she would have two 6 ounce bottles within 2 hours. One day she was given all her milk within 5 hours. I was so upset but didn't know what do. I thought that since Sabrina was gaining weight appropriately then maybe she really was hungry. Their directions were to feed on demand, and sometimes the only thing that would calm Sabrina was a bottle. So they gave her a bottle.
I decided at about 6 months that it was time that Sabrina was able to go longer between feedings. I was always feeding her on demand, so she would eat sometimes 2 hours apart, sometimes 3, sometimes an hour. It was very frustrating and unpredictable. I started encouraging her to go longer between feedings (I did not make her cry, just distracted her through play or walks), until we were soon at 2 1/2 to 3 hours between feeding. I started being able to recognize when she was tired versus hungry versus just cranky. Things improved quite a bit. Once I got this routine going on at home, I decided to implement it at daycare. This was by no means a strict feeding schedule...it was more that I wanted them to start trying other things to calm her besides a bottle if it hadn't been at least 2 1/2 hours since her bottle. And it worked - mostly. She was still drinking the same amount of milk, but the bottles were spread apart. I no longer had to worry if she needed more bottles or would get hungry before I could get there to pick her up. Once she started going regularly between bottles, I started reducing her milk 1/2 ounce at a time to see what would happen. She kept going the same amount of time between bottles. At that point, I was able to provide her with two 5 oz breastmilk bottles a day and then a 6 ounce bottle of formula. I resigned myself to the fact that she'd probably have to continue that last bottle of formula.
Then at about 7 months old, Sabrina started changing her eating habits. She started drinking less milk from her bottles, maybe due to the solids she was eating. She started falling into a routine of only drinking 2.5 oz in the morning and 4 ounces out of the rest of her bottles. That was an attainable amount of milk for me. I kept waiting for that to change, for her to start wanting more. But it didn't. I was finally able to stop supplementing with formula soon after that.
Some might wonder why I was so excited to stop supplementing with formula when Sabrina was almost 8 months old and eating solids. It's not like she was exclusively getting my breastmilk, so what's the difference with supplementing with formula or solids? I guess it's just that I had tried for so long, and it felt like a victory to have finally been able to provide her the milk she needed. I knew that I could continue breastfeeding her until a year, which was my original goal. And now that she's just about to turn one year old, I'm very happy that I worked so hard to continue our breastfeeding relationship. And it seems a shame to stop now...