How I Decided I Was Ready
Today I am 16 weeks or 4 months pregnant. Anyone who knows me well was pretty shocked to hear this news.
I never wanted to have children--ever! I've even gone so far as to consider permanent solutions to ensure that I didn't have children. As I've gotten older, I've started to think about why I didn't want kids. I think it came down to two big things: fear of pregnancy and childbirth and a desire for freedom and a full life. Throughout history women have been disproportionately saddled with the burden of childcare. Mothering has been used to keep women in "their place" and to prove our inferiority. To a large extent, I wanted to avoid that. I saw being childfree as a feminist statement. I wanted to go to school and have a successful career. I wanted to travel and have adventures. I didn't want to be tied down to one place.
It's funny how much things changed for me when I turned 30. I, very suddenly, felt incredibly dissatsified with my life. The crushing anxiety of daily life in Chicago was weighing me down. I didn't like my job and was about to be laid off anyway. I lived in a not-great neighborhood really far away from the city and my friends. I felt so isolated. Add to that an unhappy marriage, financial instability, and the possibility of living 3 hours away from my husband, it was a recipe for disaster.
At the start of 2015, I decided that I needed to make some major life changes. I started applying for jobs all over the counrty. I knew I wanted a promotion after 5 years of direct student service work, I wanted to get involved in leadership and management. I also knew that I needed a change of scenery. I had gained nearly 25 pounds, had terrible trouble sleepting, and was anxious all the time. When I had a chance to interview for a big promotion in Superior, Wisconsin, I jumped at the opportunity.
Rapidly, everything changed. I moved to Duluth, MN, started the divorce process, met a wonderful new man, lost a ton of weight, and slept like a baby. I remember telling me therapist that I felt like I was living in a vacation, like all of the weight was gone, and I could see clearly for the first time in my life. All of the shit fell away and I was left with just myself and it was fabulous!
Right around that time I started to feel an intense longing to have a baby. All of the fear just melted away and all I could imagine was a squishy, cuddly baby. It took two more years of discussion with friends and family, therapy, and some additional life planning before I was really ready. But suddenly, the fear was gone and I just knew I needed to be a mother.
I never wanted to have children--ever! I've even gone so far as to consider permanent solutions to ensure that I didn't have children. As I've gotten older, I've started to think about why I didn't want kids. I think it came down to two big things: fear of pregnancy and childbirth and a desire for freedom and a full life. Throughout history women have been disproportionately saddled with the burden of childcare. Mothering has been used to keep women in "their place" and to prove our inferiority. To a large extent, I wanted to avoid that. I saw being childfree as a feminist statement. I wanted to go to school and have a successful career. I wanted to travel and have adventures. I didn't want to be tied down to one place.
It's funny how much things changed for me when I turned 30. I, very suddenly, felt incredibly dissatsified with my life. The crushing anxiety of daily life in Chicago was weighing me down. I didn't like my job and was about to be laid off anyway. I lived in a not-great neighborhood really far away from the city and my friends. I felt so isolated. Add to that an unhappy marriage, financial instability, and the possibility of living 3 hours away from my husband, it was a recipe for disaster.
At the start of 2015, I decided that I needed to make some major life changes. I started applying for jobs all over the counrty. I knew I wanted a promotion after 5 years of direct student service work, I wanted to get involved in leadership and management. I also knew that I needed a change of scenery. I had gained nearly 25 pounds, had terrible trouble sleepting, and was anxious all the time. When I had a chance to interview for a big promotion in Superior, Wisconsin, I jumped at the opportunity.
Rapidly, everything changed. I moved to Duluth, MN, started the divorce process, met a wonderful new man, lost a ton of weight, and slept like a baby. I remember telling me therapist that I felt like I was living in a vacation, like all of the weight was gone, and I could see clearly for the first time in my life. All of the shit fell away and I was left with just myself and it was fabulous!
Right around that time I started to feel an intense longing to have a baby. All of the fear just melted away and all I could imagine was a squishy, cuddly baby. It took two more years of discussion with friends and family, therapy, and some additional life planning before I was really ready. But suddenly, the fear was gone and I just knew I needed to be a mother.