The Interview
This is a lovely little rabid plot bunny that disturbed me last night, so I just typed it out and hopefully, it will stay away from me.
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After his third year at Hogwarts, Harry decides to transfer to another school. Don’t ask me how, he just decided to transfer.
The interview:
“You have a lovely school, Headmaster. However, I have some questions about other issues,” Harry said as he and the headmaster of some random school sat down.
“Of course, fire away!” The headmaster said cheerily. Harry looked at him dourly for a moment, wondering if there was some course that Headmasters and Headmistresses had to take so they were always so bloody cheerful, and proceeded to pull out a neatly rolled scroll of parchment. The headmaster looked on in shock as the scroll appeared to be over six feet in length.
“Do you now, or have you ever, placed a child in an abusive environment illegally?” Harry asked.
The headmaster sputtered for a moment then answered, “No! Never should a child be left in an abusive environment!”
“Do you now, or have you ever, regarded the people of the Wizarding World as pawns in a petty game of chess?”
“Wha-? No!”
“Do you now, or have you ever, employed a teacher who shared a body with the spirit of a megalomaniacal Dark Lord with aspirations of taking over the universe?”
“No…”
“Do you now or have you ever, employed a professor that is abusively biased against more than three-quarters of your student body?”
“No! That would be ridiculous. Those students would never learn anything!”
“Do you now or have you ever, hidden a priceless magical artifact that would allow said spirit of a megalomanical dark lord with aspirations of taking over the universe to come back to life within your school and either way, would you hide it behind protections that three first year students could get past?”
“Of course not! What do you take me for, a fool?”
“Do you now or have you ever, allowed a teacher to jinx a student’s broom and never investigate said jinxing?”
“ No.”
15 minutes and quite a few questions later…
“Do you now or have you ever, housed a beast such as a basilisk or an acromantula without proper protection for your students?”
“No, in fact we never bring such creatures to the school they are a danger to our students,” Harry raised his eyebrow at this and muttered some.
“Do you now or have you ever, hired a mincing fop as a teacher simply because he was the only teacher to apply?”
“No…?”
“Do you now or have you ever, hired a professor who stole the achievements of others by obliviation?”
“Once but I fired him two weeks later when it was obvious that his accomplishments were falsified,” the headmaster said earnestly.
“Hmmm. Do you now or have you ever, had a creature roam your school petrifying students, ghosts, and staff at will and never investigated?”
15 more minutes and some more questions later…
“Do you now or have you ever, withheld information of an illegally imprisoned godfather from one of your students?”
“No,” the headmaster was really beginning to look worried. Not about Harry but about the quality of education in Britain. He didn’t really want to believe that all of these questions were from real life experiences of the one boy in front of him.
“Do you now or have you ever, employed a teacher that insists upon falsely proclaiming that she has seen the death of various students with her Inner Eye?”
“Absolutely not! Everyone knows that Divination is a very wooly subject. There is not concrete measurement for the subject, unlike any other class. And predicting the death of students is cruel and wrong. Such a teacher should be disciplined the first time and fired if it continues.”
“Well, that was certainly adamant. Do you now or have you ever, hosted Dementors on school grounds?”
“Those terrible creatures?!?!?!?” growled the headmaster, “Never! Evil things should be destroyed.”
15 more more minutes and many more more questions…
“Now, my last two questions-”
“Oh, thank goodness!” sighed the headmaster.
“I’m sorry, what was that?” asked Harry.
“Nothing, nothing. Please continue with your questions,”
“Alright. Do you now or have you ever, given a student a Timeturner simply to complete extra classes while not properly supervising her and then encouraged said student and a friend to break 17 and a half Ministry laws and 8 edicts and all the school rules?”
“Allow a student to break the laws of time just to complete extra classes? Never! Such a stupid reason to give out such a delicate item as a Timeturner,” said the headmaster vehemently, “anyway, what is your last question?”
“Do you mind me bringing my large, black, grim-like dog? He’s mostly housetrained,” Harry said dryly.
---
After his third year at Hogwarts, Harry decides to transfer to another school. Don’t ask me how, he just decided to transfer.
The interview:
“You have a lovely school, Headmaster. However, I have some questions about other issues,” Harry said as he and the headmaster of some random school sat down.
“Of course, fire away!” The headmaster said cheerily. Harry looked at him dourly for a moment, wondering if there was some course that Headmasters and Headmistresses had to take so they were always so bloody cheerful, and proceeded to pull out a neatly rolled scroll of parchment. The headmaster looked on in shock as the scroll appeared to be over six feet in length.
“Do you now, or have you ever, placed a child in an abusive environment illegally?” Harry asked.
The headmaster sputtered for a moment then answered, “No! Never should a child be left in an abusive environment!”
“Do you now, or have you ever, regarded the people of the Wizarding World as pawns in a petty game of chess?”
“Wha-? No!”
“Do you now, or have you ever, employed a teacher who shared a body with the spirit of a megalomaniacal Dark Lord with aspirations of taking over the universe?”
“No…”
“Do you now or have you ever, employed a professor that is abusively biased against more than three-quarters of your student body?”
“No! That would be ridiculous. Those students would never learn anything!”
“Do you now or have you ever, hidden a priceless magical artifact that would allow said spirit of a megalomanical dark lord with aspirations of taking over the universe to come back to life within your school and either way, would you hide it behind protections that three first year students could get past?”
“Of course not! What do you take me for, a fool?”
“Do you now or have you ever, allowed a teacher to jinx a student’s broom and never investigate said jinxing?”
“ No.”
15 minutes and quite a few questions later…
“Do you now or have you ever, housed a beast such as a basilisk or an acromantula without proper protection for your students?”
“No, in fact we never bring such creatures to the school they are a danger to our students,” Harry raised his eyebrow at this and muttered some.
“Do you now or have you ever, hired a mincing fop as a teacher simply because he was the only teacher to apply?”
“No…?”
“Do you now or have you ever, hired a professor who stole the achievements of others by obliviation?”
“Once but I fired him two weeks later when it was obvious that his accomplishments were falsified,” the headmaster said earnestly.
“Hmmm. Do you now or have you ever, had a creature roam your school petrifying students, ghosts, and staff at will and never investigated?”
15 more minutes and some more questions later…
“Do you now or have you ever, withheld information of an illegally imprisoned godfather from one of your students?”
“No,” the headmaster was really beginning to look worried. Not about Harry but about the quality of education in Britain. He didn’t really want to believe that all of these questions were from real life experiences of the one boy in front of him.
“Do you now or have you ever, employed a teacher that insists upon falsely proclaiming that she has seen the death of various students with her Inner Eye?”
“Absolutely not! Everyone knows that Divination is a very wooly subject. There is not concrete measurement for the subject, unlike any other class. And predicting the death of students is cruel and wrong. Such a teacher should be disciplined the first time and fired if it continues.”
“Well, that was certainly adamant. Do you now or have you ever, hosted Dementors on school grounds?”
“Those terrible creatures?!?!?!?” growled the headmaster, “Never! Evil things should be destroyed.”
15 more more minutes and many more more questions…
“Now, my last two questions-”
“Oh, thank goodness!” sighed the headmaster.
“I’m sorry, what was that?” asked Harry.
“Nothing, nothing. Please continue with your questions,”
“Alright. Do you now or have you ever, given a student a Timeturner simply to complete extra classes while not properly supervising her and then encouraged said student and a friend to break 17 and a half Ministry laws and 8 edicts and all the school rules?”
“Allow a student to break the laws of time just to complete extra classes? Never! Such a stupid reason to give out such a delicate item as a Timeturner,” said the headmaster vehemently, “anyway, what is your last question?”
“Do you mind me bringing my large, black, grim-like dog? He’s mostly housetrained,” Harry said dryly.