I've changed and I don't fucking like it.
I just looked at a bunch of my old journal entries and I've realized how much I've changed. It upsets me. I'm depressed now. And I look and see that Callie hasn't changed with me. She and I aren't that good of friends anymore. I'd like to blame this all on school and my new fucking swimming schedule from the beginning. Ever since school started, things have gone downhill. I wish I could just cheer up right now. My normal schedule for the day is: wake up, shower, get dressed, clean room, do homework, catch bus, get to school, go to all classes, go home, do homework, swim practice, come back late, dinner, tiny bit of homework, crap, brush teeth, wash face, sleep, wake up again and repeat. What callie doesn't realize is that I have tons of shit to do all the time. And now that I've changed in the relationship with my mom, I'm always arguing with her. She and I are always arguing and I get in trouble which then causes me to be grounded from the computer for a while or something. And then, all this schoolwork this year isn't helping. I have to pass the high-school credit courses I'm taking or I will COMPLETELY FAIL AND NEVER MAKE IT TO COLLEGE. I'm taking spanish 2 and Algebra. Algebra really isn't that hard [in fact, I'm probably going to skip geometry], it's Spanish 2 that's taking up a lot of my time. I wish I could just fix my personality and fix my fucking schedule. I'm sick of all of this. I just want to be happy again and be with my friends and stop making Callie sad and mad because I'm never here. I want to stop making Julie upset because I'm never here. I want to just be like I was, without the whole Alex thing. But it's never gonna happen. I guess it's just that age. Yeah...shut up-it's puberty. WOWZO! Isn't it just fantabulous that I'm changing physically and my life is starting to suck because my personality is changing too!? fuck puberty. Right now-I'm a pubefest for everyone to piss off. I'm almost like a public shit-hole where everyone gives me their shit and I get to taste every single peice of it. But I can't do anything. I'm a fucking immobile shit-hole for god's sake! ugh....change me savior. Deliver me from all that has gone wrong. From every time I upset someone. From the time I was born. Deliver me to freedom........