Overwhelmed
I'm feeling overwhelmed.
There is so much going on today. We toured one childcare center first thing this morning, went to breakfast with my Grandmother (Nana) and then spent the rest of the afternoon talking about childcare, looking at childcare and looking at the options available to me. It wasn't much.
After getting No after no after no I will admit to feeling discouraged. I've essentially got the job at stream if I want it, but finding childcare seems next to impossible. It's shift work to begin with, and I don't know where I'll end up (hopefully something earlymorning-afternoon, I really want to be home with my kid) and finding childcare outside the hours of 6am-6pm is impossible. No body wants to look after them. I tried turning to my family but they all balked at the idea. My Nana is too old, my mom works full time, my sisters are both still in school and I have no one else.
I wouldn't feel so upset if I hadn't moved here to be "supported" by my family.
That's the whole reason I'm here. That's why I left Edmonton, my friends, my second family. To be looked after, helped and supported by my blood relatives. And I can't help but feel they're letting me down here. I just feel so defeated right now.
For now I think I'll just pretend like I live here on my own. Like I don't have family to support me. Yeah they give me money sometimes but they can't come through with helping me look after her when I need it. I don't get breaks, I don't get to go places with them (yes, I was left out of going to sunpeaks, AGAIN) and I don't get any child rearing help. They expect me to do it all on my own so why don't I? Why not pretend I'm completely alone.
And then I got home to more messages
I have an appointment at the Children's hospital in Vancouver BC coming up. This means wrangling rides with people and finding someone to go with me, and jumping from appointment to appointment. IF I AM WORKING this means getting the time off, or taking a family day right when I start. ><; I want to think I am ready to go back to work, but apparently, I'm not. This is hell for me right now because my path says work, but my family life says, stay home with your kid.
On top of this, while I was out, they called back. They want me to come in on a separate date (because my day is ALREADY filled with appointments) to see another specialist and set up cane-training for Kiddo. This is a big deal for me. It's a 2-3hr drive depending on traffic and construction up the number 1. Not to mention the money in gas and food and parking while we go there.
And now the sleep test I did has to be redone because they didn't get the results from that AND the appointment is on the 26th, so coming up right quick. It's frustrating. That thing is so annoying to have in your face and taped to everywhere.
And then tomorrow is Doorway, which means more talking about myself. And (hopefully) seeing my therapist again. I'm feeling overwhelmed and defeated. Maybe she'll have ideas for me... maybe.
Regardless I'm going to go cook dinner for my kid now and try to change my train of thought. Maybe things will get better as time goes on.
There is so much going on today. We toured one childcare center first thing this morning, went to breakfast with my Grandmother (Nana) and then spent the rest of the afternoon talking about childcare, looking at childcare and looking at the options available to me. It wasn't much.
After getting No after no after no I will admit to feeling discouraged. I've essentially got the job at stream if I want it, but finding childcare seems next to impossible. It's shift work to begin with, and I don't know where I'll end up (hopefully something earlymorning-afternoon, I really want to be home with my kid) and finding childcare outside the hours of 6am-6pm is impossible. No body wants to look after them. I tried turning to my family but they all balked at the idea. My Nana is too old, my mom works full time, my sisters are both still in school and I have no one else.
I wouldn't feel so upset if I hadn't moved here to be "supported" by my family.
That's the whole reason I'm here. That's why I left Edmonton, my friends, my second family. To be looked after, helped and supported by my blood relatives. And I can't help but feel they're letting me down here. I just feel so defeated right now.
For now I think I'll just pretend like I live here on my own. Like I don't have family to support me. Yeah they give me money sometimes but they can't come through with helping me look after her when I need it. I don't get breaks, I don't get to go places with them (yes, I was left out of going to sunpeaks, AGAIN) and I don't get any child rearing help. They expect me to do it all on my own so why don't I? Why not pretend I'm completely alone.
And then I got home to more messages
I have an appointment at the Children's hospital in Vancouver BC coming up. This means wrangling rides with people and finding someone to go with me, and jumping from appointment to appointment. IF I AM WORKING this means getting the time off, or taking a family day right when I start. ><; I want to think I am ready to go back to work, but apparently, I'm not. This is hell for me right now because my path says work, but my family life says, stay home with your kid.
On top of this, while I was out, they called back. They want me to come in on a separate date (because my day is ALREADY filled with appointments) to see another specialist and set up cane-training for Kiddo. This is a big deal for me. It's a 2-3hr drive depending on traffic and construction up the number 1. Not to mention the money in gas and food and parking while we go there.
And now the sleep test I did has to be redone because they didn't get the results from that AND the appointment is on the 26th, so coming up right quick. It's frustrating. That thing is so annoying to have in your face and taped to everywhere.
And then tomorrow is Doorway, which means more talking about myself. And (hopefully) seeing my therapist again. I'm feeling overwhelmed and defeated. Maybe she'll have ideas for me... maybe.
Regardless I'm going to go cook dinner for my kid now and try to change my train of thought. Maybe things will get better as time goes on.