CMBW: Post 1
Been Reading this book called "Choosing Me before We"
To summarize it's about finding yourself, being yourself truly before getting married and realizing you're not the person you thought you were. And I figured I would post my stuff here since I seem to remember things best, or examine them best visually, or in writing. I'm a little bit weird that way.
So here's my first post and this whole part is about
Delving Deeper
Why are you reading this book?
Well, for one it was recommended by a friend of mine as a good starting point in my "journey" I need to look at ME before working on finding a WE. I just need to find something that works and will help me figure out what's actually going on in my life. Why am I not in charge.
What's really working in my life?
My art is working, I'm still happy with it, my Kid is doing great,
What's not, and how would you like it to be different?
My confidence levels, in everything, from relationships, working, parenting. All those areas I really struggle with. Being "Good enough" is a constant battle for me. I would just for once in my life have the confidence to be myself and to feel like I am doing right by everyone. Not having to fear opening my mouth, not having to cower and hide my inner self from the world. I just like being me.
Who is the most important person in your life today? If it's not yourself, why? Are you willing to make ME most important?
Honestly, I like to think my kid is most important, because she is my future, she is my everything right now. Am I willing? Yes, so long as it doesn't mean a sacrifice for her. I love her so much and if I can be better FOR her, by making Me the most important, then of course.
What's going to get in the way of your completing this book? Time? Fear? Obligation? Something Else? Can you leave it behind? Make a list of things you need to say "yes" and "no" to in order to finish the journey this book offers, and then make the commitment to participate in the whole adventure.
Completing this book will be a challenge. Things that will get in the way: Working, my Kid, Obviously Fear of what I'll uncover. Can I leave it behind? Mostly. I will keep moving forward. My life is nothing but what i make of it and I want to make it the most awesomest. I've read somewhere that if you have the money to buy something OR take a trip somewhere, you should ALWAYS take the trip. It's the more valuable of the two, and so I will take this trip and commit to this adventure. I'm in.
Me reflections
Which unhealthy relationship equation (Me + He = We) do you find yourself in today or most often?
Healthy ME + Unhealthy He = Unhealthy WE. It's been the most common equation for me.
What about ME creates that reality? In what ways are you healthy emotionally, mentally and spiritually? In what ways are you unhealthy?
Healthy: Emotionally I'm very self aware, I know what I am feeling and I can often dissect it to protect myself. Mentally, I'm not sure. I didn't think there was a difference between mentally and emotionally, they kind of go hand in hand together? Spiritually, I'm close to God, and I understand now that in the eyes of the Lord, I am forgiven. That there isn't anything to fear from religion and that I can have Faith without being an evangelist. I do my very best not to push it on people, or push scripture on people who just don't need it.
Unhealthy: Emotionally, I tend to bounce and fluctuate a lot. One day I can be very happy, the next so low I am a puddle on the floor, trying to find a balance is very hard for me. Mentally, I suppose I either think TOO much, or not enough, I always have to be in control. Not necessarily of other people but definitely of situations. I have a tendency of keeping people on their toes until the last second. Spiritually, I don't TRUST religion or my faith. It is finicky and talking to the wrong person about the wrong subject can land me in piles of trouble, so I just tend to let it slide. Trusting God to do the right thing in my life isn't what I want, I am in control of my own person. I have choices, if there is a path God wants me to walk why not highlight it and circle it? I don't want to do the wrong thing but the right thing is so scary sometimes.
What would you like to be different?
I would like to have the confidence to stand by what i believe in, to be who I am and be stable and on track. I don't like being wishywashy but I'm so terrified of being the wrong thing. I don't really understand my confidence issue, but it is definitely there.
What are you willing to do about it? What three actions can you take to become healthier?
What do you Choose?
What has been your major operating mode: Autopilot or Self-awareness? Think about your relationships with partners, friends, with family and your career? I have to say I am pretty self aware. I know when things are bad for me, like the relationships I get into, I know EXACTLY when I should break up with them and when things stop working. I don't always know what to do to fix it but I can generally pin-point the moment when I think, "this isn't working" same with friendships. I generally know when to stop listening to someone for my own sake and sanity. In regards to my family, I think I have left myself in the dark a lot regarding my mother. I don't want to be aware of the hurt she places on me. When it comes to my Dad though, we understand each other pretty well and we know where to draw the line with each other. Career? What career? Oh the art! I'm pretty aware of my art stuff, about letting people down, about my own guilt and how I have to buck up and accept it most of the time. It's part of the territory.
While growing up, what patterns or situations did you experience in your family, with friends and in your own community? How have these shown up in your relationships?
I experienced my Dad working full time with my mom at home a lot. I experienced my mom in school with my Dad fighting in a war. I experienced differentiated friends who knew a little about the world and created their own spirituality, I had friends who were tight knit and closed off from lots of people. I mixed and mingled in various groups moving from school to school so I have a tendency to make lots of friends, but keep most of them out of reach for my own safety. Community isn't something I've really had before and am experiencing for the first time with my church family. It's very very different from a lot of the stuff I was exposed to as a kid. As for how these have shown up in relationships? I am a people pleaser and I work very hard at it, I don't live for myself and it shows in the things I do for people, until I have exhausted myself of trying and just GIVE UP. I find I am easily used, for my money, my car and anything else in my life and it seems to be the way it goes. I keep people at arm's length, out of reach. I connect best to people on the internet because I will never meet them and because they never really get to put a face to my name and I can trust them to be there, after all, we both have the internet right? I don't have to worry about losing them like I do my real life relationships.
What Fears and limiting beliefs do you let drive your life? Think about a time when your fear stopped you from doing something you really wanted to do? What were you afraid of? What risk did you perceive? How real was that risk? How did your fear prevent you from living the life you really wanted?
The fear of being alone. The fear of rejection. The fear of being abandoned. I had a really hard time letting my last relationship, with Kevin, go. I was terrified of being on my own, of the expectations of being on my own. I don't trust myself or have the confidence in myself to let me work on being just me. The risk in leaving Kevin would be that I fall back into my old patterns, that I would fall apart, that I would be alone again and I will be FOREVER alone. I'm scared that I will never be whole enough again to be loved and that this is all a charade or dream I'm playing in. If a man who has nothing cannot love me, who can?
Think about the last three major decisions you made. What were your fears concerning these decisions? Write down the fears as if they had a voice and were speaking to you. Where do theses fears come from - parents, friends, society, previous experience?
Kicking out Dave: You will be alone, for ever. You will never make a relationship work. Your parents are always right. Why can't you just listen to the advice given to you and work from there? Everything ever, you mess it up and that is the way it will always be.
Applying for a Job: You're not qualified, and if you are, you're over qualified. You're going to be put at a job you hate, doing things for people you can't stand. Someone will yell at you at work. You'll make a mistake and that will be the end of it. You'll make too much money and lose your tax breaks. You'll lose your tax breaks and not have enough to make ends meet. You'll be putting the monster in day care, which won't treat her right. No one will want to look after your kid because of her disability. You're a terrible mother for even THINKING of working when your kid still needs you. You should wait till she's at least in elementary before working full time. You're just another working single mom who won't have enough time for her kids.
Trying to work on a new relationship: It's too soon, you're not ready. At least have a job before thinking of dating. He's going to meet you and run, like the other good men in your life. You're not good enough for him. His mother will hate you. You won't live up to his expectations. You're too young, he's too naieve. You'll hurt him so bad and he'll blame you for ever. You can't make a good partner because you don't know how to be in a regular relationship. You'll move too fast when you see him and scare him away. You'll do everything wrong. He'll meet your kid and run for the hills.
I can't begin to write out where all these come from but they are my fears, I am absolutely TERRIFIED of all the above being true about myself. I don't want to be like this, constantly in fear and questioning myself. I just want to be happy, to trust in myself and to have the skills to manage on my own.I want to be my own person instead of letting my fears and my doubt, my hesitations, rule my world.
For now this is all I will write, It's far too long for me to continue tonight and it's given me a lot to think about, and probably a lot for you to think about. I hope it opens your eyes and maybe helps you to rethink yourself as well. I'll post more questions after I've read more of the book. I think a little worn thin now and open to the world... At least my therapist will think I'm making progress.
To summarize it's about finding yourself, being yourself truly before getting married and realizing you're not the person you thought you were. And I figured I would post my stuff here since I seem to remember things best, or examine them best visually, or in writing. I'm a little bit weird that way.
So here's my first post and this whole part is about
Delving Deeper
Why are you reading this book?
Well, for one it was recommended by a friend of mine as a good starting point in my "journey" I need to look at ME before working on finding a WE. I just need to find something that works and will help me figure out what's actually going on in my life. Why am I not in charge.
What's really working in my life?
My art is working, I'm still happy with it, my Kid is doing great,
What's not, and how would you like it to be different?
My confidence levels, in everything, from relationships, working, parenting. All those areas I really struggle with. Being "Good enough" is a constant battle for me. I would just for once in my life have the confidence to be myself and to feel like I am doing right by everyone. Not having to fear opening my mouth, not having to cower and hide my inner self from the world. I just like being me.
Who is the most important person in your life today? If it's not yourself, why? Are you willing to make ME most important?
Honestly, I like to think my kid is most important, because she is my future, she is my everything right now. Am I willing? Yes, so long as it doesn't mean a sacrifice for her. I love her so much and if I can be better FOR her, by making Me the most important, then of course.
What's going to get in the way of your completing this book? Time? Fear? Obligation? Something Else? Can you leave it behind? Make a list of things you need to say "yes" and "no" to in order to finish the journey this book offers, and then make the commitment to participate in the whole adventure.
Completing this book will be a challenge. Things that will get in the way: Working, my Kid, Obviously Fear of what I'll uncover. Can I leave it behind? Mostly. I will keep moving forward. My life is nothing but what i make of it and I want to make it the most awesomest. I've read somewhere that if you have the money to buy something OR take a trip somewhere, you should ALWAYS take the trip. It's the more valuable of the two, and so I will take this trip and commit to this adventure. I'm in.
Me reflections
Which unhealthy relationship equation (Me + He = We) do you find yourself in today or most often?
Healthy ME + Unhealthy He = Unhealthy WE. It's been the most common equation for me.
What about ME creates that reality? In what ways are you healthy emotionally, mentally and spiritually? In what ways are you unhealthy?
Healthy: Emotionally I'm very self aware, I know what I am feeling and I can often dissect it to protect myself. Mentally, I'm not sure. I didn't think there was a difference between mentally and emotionally, they kind of go hand in hand together? Spiritually, I'm close to God, and I understand now that in the eyes of the Lord, I am forgiven. That there isn't anything to fear from religion and that I can have Faith without being an evangelist. I do my very best not to push it on people, or push scripture on people who just don't need it.
Unhealthy: Emotionally, I tend to bounce and fluctuate a lot. One day I can be very happy, the next so low I am a puddle on the floor, trying to find a balance is very hard for me. Mentally, I suppose I either think TOO much, or not enough, I always have to be in control. Not necessarily of other people but definitely of situations. I have a tendency of keeping people on their toes until the last second. Spiritually, I don't TRUST religion or my faith. It is finicky and talking to the wrong person about the wrong subject can land me in piles of trouble, so I just tend to let it slide. Trusting God to do the right thing in my life isn't what I want, I am in control of my own person. I have choices, if there is a path God wants me to walk why not highlight it and circle it? I don't want to do the wrong thing but the right thing is so scary sometimes.
What would you like to be different?
I would like to have the confidence to stand by what i believe in, to be who I am and be stable and on track. I don't like being wishywashy but I'm so terrified of being the wrong thing. I don't really understand my confidence issue, but it is definitely there.
What are you willing to do about it? What three actions can you take to become healthier?
- Not hesitate when expressing myself. If I don't agree about something and I'm questioned about it, don't hesitate, just speak your mind. What happens will happen. Somewhere down the line it'll come up again, up and out. So speak your mind first and just let it go.
- Trust. Trust your friends, your family and God. They've got your back and are there for you. I just wish i had more good times to talk to them about. Everything's been kinda all over the place in the last couple years. I just don't trust people's reactions to things. At the same time, give it space and time, let it grow on people, don't just shove stuff down their throats and expect the best.
- Think about WHY you're feeling a particular emotion. Definitely write it down or draw it out if it bugs you that much. Don't let things just simmer and sit and rub in your mind, irritating until you explode. Examine the whys of your emotions and maybe thing about them a little more before posting or sharing them with others. If you're upset over nothing, no one will take you seriously when she does go down. It'll just be another episode of Rhari dramas.
What do you Choose?
What has been your major operating mode: Autopilot or Self-awareness? Think about your relationships with partners, friends, with family and your career? I have to say I am pretty self aware. I know when things are bad for me, like the relationships I get into, I know EXACTLY when I should break up with them and when things stop working. I don't always know what to do to fix it but I can generally pin-point the moment when I think, "this isn't working" same with friendships. I generally know when to stop listening to someone for my own sake and sanity. In regards to my family, I think I have left myself in the dark a lot regarding my mother. I don't want to be aware of the hurt she places on me. When it comes to my Dad though, we understand each other pretty well and we know where to draw the line with each other. Career? What career? Oh the art! I'm pretty aware of my art stuff, about letting people down, about my own guilt and how I have to buck up and accept it most of the time. It's part of the territory.
While growing up, what patterns or situations did you experience in your family, with friends and in your own community? How have these shown up in your relationships?
I experienced my Dad working full time with my mom at home a lot. I experienced my mom in school with my Dad fighting in a war. I experienced differentiated friends who knew a little about the world and created their own spirituality, I had friends who were tight knit and closed off from lots of people. I mixed and mingled in various groups moving from school to school so I have a tendency to make lots of friends, but keep most of them out of reach for my own safety. Community isn't something I've really had before and am experiencing for the first time with my church family. It's very very different from a lot of the stuff I was exposed to as a kid. As for how these have shown up in relationships? I am a people pleaser and I work very hard at it, I don't live for myself and it shows in the things I do for people, until I have exhausted myself of trying and just GIVE UP. I find I am easily used, for my money, my car and anything else in my life and it seems to be the way it goes. I keep people at arm's length, out of reach. I connect best to people on the internet because I will never meet them and because they never really get to put a face to my name and I can trust them to be there, after all, we both have the internet right? I don't have to worry about losing them like I do my real life relationships.
What Fears and limiting beliefs do you let drive your life? Think about a time when your fear stopped you from doing something you really wanted to do? What were you afraid of? What risk did you perceive? How real was that risk? How did your fear prevent you from living the life you really wanted?
The fear of being alone. The fear of rejection. The fear of being abandoned. I had a really hard time letting my last relationship, with Kevin, go. I was terrified of being on my own, of the expectations of being on my own. I don't trust myself or have the confidence in myself to let me work on being just me. The risk in leaving Kevin would be that I fall back into my old patterns, that I would fall apart, that I would be alone again and I will be FOREVER alone. I'm scared that I will never be whole enough again to be loved and that this is all a charade or dream I'm playing in. If a man who has nothing cannot love me, who can?
Think about the last three major decisions you made. What were your fears concerning these decisions? Write down the fears as if they had a voice and were speaking to you. Where do theses fears come from - parents, friends, society, previous experience?
Kicking out Dave: You will be alone, for ever. You will never make a relationship work. Your parents are always right. Why can't you just listen to the advice given to you and work from there? Everything ever, you mess it up and that is the way it will always be.
Applying for a Job: You're not qualified, and if you are, you're over qualified. You're going to be put at a job you hate, doing things for people you can't stand. Someone will yell at you at work. You'll make a mistake and that will be the end of it. You'll make too much money and lose your tax breaks. You'll lose your tax breaks and not have enough to make ends meet. You'll be putting the monster in day care, which won't treat her right. No one will want to look after your kid because of her disability. You're a terrible mother for even THINKING of working when your kid still needs you. You should wait till she's at least in elementary before working full time. You're just another working single mom who won't have enough time for her kids.
Trying to work on a new relationship: It's too soon, you're not ready. At least have a job before thinking of dating. He's going to meet you and run, like the other good men in your life. You're not good enough for him. His mother will hate you. You won't live up to his expectations. You're too young, he's too naieve. You'll hurt him so bad and he'll blame you for ever. You can't make a good partner because you don't know how to be in a regular relationship. You'll move too fast when you see him and scare him away. You'll do everything wrong. He'll meet your kid and run for the hills.
I can't begin to write out where all these come from but they are my fears, I am absolutely TERRIFIED of all the above being true about myself. I don't want to be like this, constantly in fear and questioning myself. I just want to be happy, to trust in myself and to have the skills to manage on my own.I want to be my own person instead of letting my fears and my doubt, my hesitations, rule my world.
For now this is all I will write, It's far too long for me to continue tonight and it's given me a lot to think about, and probably a lot for you to think about. I hope it opens your eyes and maybe helps you to rethink yourself as well. I'll post more questions after I've read more of the book. I think a little worn thin now and open to the world... At least my therapist will think I'm making progress.