full circle
it grows, it fades, it's encouraged and teased so it grows some more, it's contradicting, it's confusing, it's a mystery... it's killing me, but it's not.
the eyes of an outsider catching an answer to the lingering question that plays the peek-a-boo game so cunningly gives me a momentary glimpse of hope. but reality settles in so quick that it's almost as if nothing had changed. the words of another, counts for nothing. what has meaning is when it's from the direct source. truthfully? (always truthfully. well, with the blog at least.) i'm not sure the source verifying this assumption is what i want. that's the fear talking. there's so much fear of getting close to another, more specifically fear of losing that person. the end is thought of before the beginning, therefore there can be no start. there's so much to invest when being involved with someone, and much more for some reason to lose. it's painful. it's almost unnecessary. and yet it is undoubtedly being longed for. so i trick myself. i allow the crushes, the almost flings, the "checking" and sometimes the "dealing" to satisfy myself with some kind of intimate companionship that i was looking for. but it's really not what i'm looking for. what i experience are the beginnings, the butterflies and the potential. i can't bring myself to go beyond that. i take every precaution and precautions on those precautions. i don't let them get close. i don't let myself become vulnerable. it's the fear. that fucking fear. it devours me whole. and i tell myself that the one who catches me off guard will be the one worth it. the one who breaks the rules and scraps the list of the impossible, will be the one who's worth the fear. and there he is. but fuck it. i can't tell him. especially at the risk of losing whatever this already is and even worse, to not have him reciprocate... it would be a hell of a wreck. i couldn't do it.
the pictures of me on facebook, they have me surrounded with guys. my guy friends are replacements for a boyfriend. not that i want anything intimate with them. not that i assume or hope anything will flourish from these friendships. infact, it's pretty much the opposite. because friends in my book stay friends or become nobodys but there is nothing romantic ever involved unless it's advice or shared stories. i have no boyfriend because i have guy friends. i have no girl friends because they will steal and corrupt my guy friends. this is not thoery but very much fact. and in the end, because the guys i keep around in my circle that i once named "T.C.O" (the close ones) still will never know the depth of my mind. because although they for the circle, they rarely step in. because of the fear.
i refuse to get hurt in any sense.
that is the fear.
the eyes of an outsider catching an answer to the lingering question that plays the peek-a-boo game so cunningly gives me a momentary glimpse of hope. but reality settles in so quick that it's almost as if nothing had changed. the words of another, counts for nothing. what has meaning is when it's from the direct source. truthfully? (always truthfully. well, with the blog at least.) i'm not sure the source verifying this assumption is what i want. that's the fear talking. there's so much fear of getting close to another, more specifically fear of losing that person. the end is thought of before the beginning, therefore there can be no start. there's so much to invest when being involved with someone, and much more for some reason to lose. it's painful. it's almost unnecessary. and yet it is undoubtedly being longed for. so i trick myself. i allow the crushes, the almost flings, the "checking" and sometimes the "dealing" to satisfy myself with some kind of intimate companionship that i was looking for. but it's really not what i'm looking for. what i experience are the beginnings, the butterflies and the potential. i can't bring myself to go beyond that. i take every precaution and precautions on those precautions. i don't let them get close. i don't let myself become vulnerable. it's the fear. that fucking fear. it devours me whole. and i tell myself that the one who catches me off guard will be the one worth it. the one who breaks the rules and scraps the list of the impossible, will be the one who's worth the fear. and there he is. but fuck it. i can't tell him. especially at the risk of losing whatever this already is and even worse, to not have him reciprocate... it would be a hell of a wreck. i couldn't do it.
the pictures of me on facebook, they have me surrounded with guys. my guy friends are replacements for a boyfriend. not that i want anything intimate with them. not that i assume or hope anything will flourish from these friendships. infact, it's pretty much the opposite. because friends in my book stay friends or become nobodys but there is nothing romantic ever involved unless it's advice or shared stories. i have no boyfriend because i have guy friends. i have no girl friends because they will steal and corrupt my guy friends. this is not thoery but very much fact. and in the end, because the guys i keep around in my circle that i once named "T.C.O" (the close ones) still will never know the depth of my mind. because although they for the circle, they rarely step in. because of the fear.
i refuse to get hurt in any sense.
that is the fear.