16
16. im not sure what happened when i was 16, but it was definitely when shitty things kicked into high gear. it was also a year where friendship was family, and family was distant to say the least. so much has happened, has changed since then... and yet i feel trapped at 16. actually i feel trapped in general. i think for the most of my conscious growing self-awareness part of life (a.k.a the teen years until now) ive been partially depressed. its so crazy how your childhood determines your ability to endure, reflexes and mindset. my heart aches a little. i have to admit though that after meeting Lamar a couple years ago pretty much around this time, my drama has been limited to solely him. and after him, i entered this care-free, think positive phase that seemed to allow all drama/bull roll of my back (more or less, and not considering pms days which were also not frequent). i mean as far as i can remember im usually the oddball with the smile. i want to say maybe i had more strength back then... but back then behind closed doors i remember myself as a little tormented. a little broken. a lot lost. im still lost, and if anything more broken, but that smile that i put on is pretty genuine and when im glum i dont even bother trying to front like its all good. the down days though are pretty intense. i honestly and truly fear that this will be the rest of my life. i really wish i could separate myself from my family, because the environment ive been exposed to is toxic. its nothing like what it used to be. but considering, its not that much tolerable. i do all i can to not stay home, only to feel guilty afterwards, knowing fully that staying out all night drinking and smoking pot efinitely does me better than watching delirium in every shape and form envelop all beings that reside within. im helpless to just simply observe and fear. to let these fears pile up on top of each other until an avalanche of heartache and hopelessness consumes me and it cripples me into a state where positivity seems almost impossible. to reach this point brings me back to 16, a time where outlets were available and break downs were less intense and more common. where verbally stating what was wrong to someone who genuinely cared, didnt dismiss the problem due to awkwardness, didnt pity you and the idea of vulnerability didnt repulse me so severely because it was a relief. yet, even then i had started to hold back; to live with the stress and cope silently and alone was better than to be judged. i didnt want my problems, the thousand and one problems, to be an excuse for the state of my life. but of course they are. it would be foolish to disregard it all as unimportant details. these bumps in the road, these huge pot holes and cracks all over would make it impossible for any sort of smooth ride. make it impossible to reach any destination. holes in every tire and not a clue how to change it, even worse there arent any spares and im left stranded, alone, in the middle of nowhere... this is how i view my life. so i sit stationary, making due with what i can. thinking the choices i make are to benefit my life, when really i just delay any improvement. "some people worry about tomorrow when really they should be more aware of today." a quote i read in a status. i live very much in the now. i do what i please to make sure im happy today. i do it to such an extreme that its resulted in living in a type of numbed temporary bliss which really only caused more destruction. these thoughts even more defeating cant knock me down any further. maybe ive hit rock bottom, but im sure it can always get worse, like being aware of all this and still not doing anything about it. if you only knew... you probably wouldnt even be able to wrap your head around it. i am the definition of a series of unfortunate events.