How to love him
Title: How to love him
Beta: Trekqueen
Main Characters: Finrod/Amarië
Rating: NC-17
Genre(s): Romance, Drama/Angst
Summary: On the eve of her wedding night, Amarië has a startling revelation about herself and her love for Finrod
Archives: Quills & ink, Silmarilion Writers Guild, OSA, and AFF.
Author comments: This is written for the Little Balrog 2007 Stocking Stuffer Swap for Aussie Lass. Her original Request: Finrod/Amarië or Fëanor/Nerdanel or Legolas/Éowyn. Any ratings are fine. I would like something a little angsty, but not really really dark.
Since this is highly adult, I have placed it under the cut.
So this was it. I have won. I, Amarië of the Vanyar, finally have won the love of the man I so desired. It was a long and hard-fought battle, but today I finally could call him mine. Amarië thought to herself as she stood there, her arms outstretched while her ladies in waiting quietly dressed her for her wedding night keeping her eyes closed. The whispers of their silken gowns told her how busy they were, telling her when to move in this well-known routine, still this night would not be like all others. Amarië was tense, often she heard the phrase as taut as a bowstring, and she wondered what that would be like. Perhaps the comparison to a harp - an instrument she knew so well - would be more at place. Would he make her sing so beautifully like a harp when he touched her? Amarië simply did not know. She did not know many things. To her it felt like the ultimate price she paid of waiting so long and even when they were reunited years ago, Amarië was not sure what to do with her troubled betrothed who still had a long way to go for his recovery.
We fought so hard to get here, she thought, yet I do wonder, why is there this doubt in my heart? Why does my hand halt when we go beyond any touch than simply holding hands or a kiss? I cannot tell why I hesitate so. It is just so confusing, after all these many ages, why is it that I suddenly doubt myself?
Today had been such an impressive day: there were many festivities, laughter, and joy when people met again and simply reconnected. Their day had proven to serve as a symbol. The exchange of the rings and the rejoicing shouts of their people served as the culmination that showed in the end, the Eldar would prevail. That was this afternoon, where did the hours go? Amarië mused as she opened her eyes and found her ladies in waiting gone. Arien sunk and Tilion started his chase, it seemed to her that a grim shadow was still between them.
“Should I give him more time to heal?” Amarië asked herself aloud. “I once loved him, I held onto hope where many said I had none. He had forsaken me, just like the others, lost forever to the darkness to never return. I could not give in or let him go because on that day he took my heart with him to that place.”
Quietly she sat down on their bed, placing both her hands on the cooling silk. With a sigh, Amarië took in the room of their new home; everything was new, and just finished in the perfection both could ever have asked for. Somehow, that perfection did not appeal to her anymore.
Then it suddenly dawned on her and it hit her hard. Perhaps she had concentrated too much on organising their wedding altogether in order to avoid what truly happened. “I have changed, yes really changed.” Amarië cried out and tried tight back her tears. “Why could I not see it? In these past days, when I have seen myself in the mirror during the last fittings, I seemed like someone else. Who have I become?”
The panic struck her hard; it was if suddenly, all the anxiety and pain of not knowing came out. “I don't know how to take this, I don't see why he moves me. He will be here any moment now and I just … I just do not any longer know how to love him.”
Amarië rose from the bed and walked towards the windowsill. There she placed her head against the wood and tried to calm the turmoil of her thoughts. Of course, she had heard of other women panicking before they would be wed. Yet, all of them felt the hesitation slip away during the ceremony. What had she truly felt? Duty and obligation, but to what? To him, to her people? To his people? Often she heard that couples could not hide their true feelings for one another, yet she was not able to see what went through Finrod’s mind at all! It was as if he had pulled up a barrier, keeping his emotions in check and thoughts hidden. There was not much he did talk about and his father told her often that in time he would open up to her. Amarië clenched her fist and aimed for the window. Just in time, she stopped herself and relaxed her hand to place it against the cold glass.
“Finarfin told me that years ago and, in the mean time, I did not see that the man who came back, was not the man I loved. What should I do now, I cannot go through with this now,” Amarië concluded, then looked at the side table near to the door. “This should be cancelled, unless our wedding night should be spent on letting my feelings and doubt out? Maybe this still can be saved, but not in the manner of a bodily reunion,” she decided and crossed the room. The moment she touched the bell, the door opened.
“Finrod!” Amarië reacted startled and took in the image of her husband as she stepped backwards. Compared to the ceremony earlier that day, he seemed like a different man with his golden hair falling unbound on his deep blue robe that he wore. Underneath it, Amarië realised with a sigh of relief, he was not naked but clothed in a simple shift that barely reached his knees.
“Do you like it?” His rich and soothing voice made her look up into his steady grey eyes.
Finrod could not tell why her eyes held a certain fear for him, after all days festivities were said and done, he patiently made it through dinner and had to summon most of his willpower when her ladies in waiting came for her. To Finrod, there was nothing wrong with taking his own bride to their room. However, according to the traditions of her station, she needed to be prepared. For what, he had no idea until now. Her intricate braids had been carefully untangled and brushed into a golden softness that covered her shoulders and most likely her back. Ah, it was so easy to imagine that once he simply untied the laces of that chemise and he would lay her down on the bed so carefully; those silken tresses would cover her bare skin, only then to be brushed aside by his hands. No! Even better, his lips!
The waiting was now over, none could tell him to be careful with her or not to tell her any cruel memories of events he had to live through. It came at a cost, he knew that, but he deep down wished that once they finally could start a life together, he could make her part of it too. Otherwise, he would never give herself fully and for this evening he would.
“We need to talk,” Amarië suddenly said and the light touch of panic made Finrod frown.
“How so, my love? Have we not talked for so long the past years that we simply cannot enjoy our union?” Finrod asked her as he neared her. Why would she step away like that as if she wanted to shun his touch? Finrod wondered. Perhaps those ladies put fears in her head about duties and obligations. Maybe they warned her about the Noldor vigour by bringing up Míriel’s fate.
“This union…”
“Yes?” Finrod gently said while he pulled her close, then firmly against his chest. “This union is our celebration of a long wait, Amarië. Do not deny yourself this victory.” His bride trembled under his hands, yet she gave in, and he reached for her hand to place it against his chest. “My heart belongs to you now, Amarië, no longer shall I hold back.”
“You will say that now, yet I cannot perceive what you truly feel for me,” Amarië finally confessed once she looked up to him. Why do you scare me so, she thought, I want you, for I do wish to love you.
Finrod smiled down on her, in a kind but firm manner once he lifted her head so he could look in her blue eyes. Still he said nothing, no words escaped his mouth and he dared not to open his mind in full to her just yet, and at the same time he knew it had to be done. You have nothing to be afraid of my Amarië, for I will gladly walk through the everlasting dark to protect you. I would suffer the most unbearable pains just for you. Only for you. Once he uttered those final thoughts, he lifted her chin and kissed her lightly on her lips.
The confession had startled her, leaving her confused as to why he would have chosen to do this now. At first she wanted to resist him. The urge to slap him on the cheek for deceiving her like this was a thought that immediately came to her! Yet, as she stood there and his mouth tenderly lingered on hers, it made her want to savour the feel of his lips against hers. It showed her that Finrod loved her with such compassion that he would not press on if she did not want to do so. Still he tasted her with infinite gentleness as he slowly pressed on more, waiting for her to respond to him. Could she?
Yes, you can. Amarië suddenly heard Finrod challenging her. Carefully she closed her eyes, she dared to let her feä reach out to him as best as she could. The touch of his feä was surprising: warm and golden, protective and passionate. A flame that could consume her, yet it felt so safe and secure. What am I to do now? She cried out, now confused and feeling insecure.
Stay with me, Finrod answered as he cupped her face and deepened the kiss, his tongue lightly tracing the outline of her mouth. The sensations tickled her and warmth curled low in her stomach. I will! Amarië answered and gave into his touch.
“Amarië.” Finrod whispered and slid his lips across her cheek, planting tiny kisses along her jaw line as he felt how she tipped her head sideways. Not wanting to let go, he dropped his hand on her shoulder and massaged the skin. “Touch me, my love.”
Wavering at first, Amarië let her hands slip under his robe and placed her hands on his back, but Finrod laughed huskily. Her heart was pounding as she felt his hands slide quickly down over her silken chemise. She had heard about the fire in a touch, she was warned about him and his kindred. However, she could not go back now, nor wanted to. A fiery passion was in his touch when he trailed his fingers along her neck. To her it felt like such a simple caress and nonetheless, her body reacted with more desire than she had felt in the ages past. It only increased, making her feel that he wanted her to lean into his touch as his fingertips traced her breasts through the fabric. What would a surrender like this feel like, she thought, please, Finrod, and do not cease touching me like this, but teach me everything there is to know about this type of intimacy!
“I shall,” Finrod breathed in her ear as his hands lingered upon the small laces. There were so many and he decided that he could undo them quickly. Soon the fabric fell over his hands and with a patience that he never thought he could muster, he let it gently slide on the ground. His Amarië now stood there so vulnerable and open to him, her lips soft and trembling from wanting him. “Amarië, undress me,” He commanded her.
His request was simple and straightforward; still she did not want to let go of his body. “I shall, if you wish so.” Her hands travelled upwards to his shoulders and then slipped under the velvet robe to lift it. With a small tug and a little push, it slid from his shoulders and onto the ground. Amarië looked up again and met his stormy eyes. Both said nothing and instead of removing his shift, she chose to tease his mouth, touching her tongue softly on its lower lip as he played with her before, thinking that he would like it as well.
Finrod growled impatiently, for he wished to feel her skin against his, yet felt glad for her taking more part in their lovemaking. Instead, he let her do her own exploration, willing himself to keep the pace low, for now. “Amarië,” he whispered as he broke their kiss, drawing his hand upward over her belly. “I need you.” His fingertips touched the underside of her breast teasingly, but he wanted more.
Amarië tried to swallow, but the lump in her throat prevented even that simple action. What could she do now? As she observed him, she contemplated what she should do next. Should I bring him down or ask him to lie down with me on our bed? Is this the moment to speak of love? Is this how he can move me and bring me to a deeper desire? Amarië wished she could keep her emotions in check and pressed a kiss against his cheek.
“I want you to feel and experience, Amarië, nothing more.” Finrod answered and his hand moved up to cover her breast. While inhaling deeply, he blew a breath of hot air down her sweetly curved mounds and watched how she shivered. “Now undress me.”
Amarië nodded, feeling the last thoughts of resistance slipping away under his hands and loving words. How could I have doubted our love so? Amarië thought and lifted his shift up high, her eyes feasted on the site of his rippling chest, as he pulled it over his head and off. Tossing the shift to the floor, his eyes focused hers.
“Because Amarië, whether we will like it our not, even our love was marred by him. I keep you blameless of it, for I do understand.” He pulled her close to him, as her breasts now pressed firmly on his chest. Gripping her buttocks firmly, he pushed her tight against his waist.
Amarië pushed back her tears and relished in this feeling of being so close to him, she could feel him, now erect and hot against her skin.
She feels so soft, he thought as he felt her so close and looking up to him in love and admiration. The temptation nearly overwhelmed him and could not help it but to press further into her while his heart pounded ever harder.
Amarië blushed at perceiving his thought and realised that he was just as excited as she was. It was an instinct, yet she felt that she should explore it and reached down between their warm bodies, finding his throbbing erection and touched it carefully. Then, when she felt more reassured, she stroked him with a trembling hand.
Finrod could not help it and tossed his head backwards, moaning lightly, then looked down to watch what she was doing to him: enjoying her fingers touching him there for the very first time. It was so much more than he could have hoped for, yet his eagerness became the better of him and he fetched her hand saying, “More of that later.”
Feeling confused by his sudden interruption, Amarië also heard the promise in his voice. Instead, she held her hand out to him, offering him her complete trust. With a smile, Finrod took it as he led her over to their bed. There they halted in hesitation, Amarië tried not to look at the bed, feeling nervous about the big step both were about to make. Finrod, however, pulled her to him and they beheld each other. It seemed so simple to him, to have her so close as they both were ready to make their bond final.
“Finrod…” Amarië started, then thought: maybe we should not do this.
“Trust me,” He answered, then turned her gently around and bent in to kiss the back of her neck, and when he saw how his hot breath sent shivers through her body, he smiled.
Amarië struggled with her thoughts while her body reacted so strongly to his. Our bodies are already in accordance, why can this shadow not pass. A cry escaped her once he slid his fingers down her back at first, following with his tongue which stirred every nerve in her body, and when he finally reached her thighs he halted to stand up again.
“Will you sit down for me?” he simply asked her and she obeyed. The satin sheets felt cold to her once she sat down and Finrod’s body was so warm and close. Then she looked up shyly to him and nearly burst into tears, not of fear, but of this overwhelming sensation that came over her once she saw the love and adoration in his eyes. How could she not love him?
Finrod felt sad that she still struggled with her doubts, after so many years, he simply assumed that his Amarië would have felt more certain of her love for him. After all, she could have taken another for a husband. To him it felt even more important to make this first night together special for both, but especially for her. No jewels or other gifts could do justice for her unwavering patience and love, Finrod thought as he kneeled down in front of her and touched her thighs.
It was just a thought to her, but as Amarië sat there looking at her calm husband, she could not help it, and pulled him to her. At that very moment, she wanted to feel him close and did not object once Finrod’s hand slid between her thighs, caressing her gently. “It will begin, Amarië.” He spoke to her, “I cannot go back now.”
“Please,” she whispered, revelling in the touch of his strong hands and all seemed forgotten, her mind focused on his touch sliding across her upper leg. A strange sensation, of which she experienced before, returned so strongly. Open to me. A private thought touched her mind and even though she did not exactly know what her lover wanted, she spread her knees wider and she buried her own hands in his hair the moment he came into range. A gasp of need escaped her while his tormenting finger probed higher on her leg, still it was so agonising slow.
Finrod thought he was about to lose his mind, her hands gripped his hair so strongly as if she wanted to guide him instead. His shaft responded immediately to her warmth and action, starting this unstoppable desire inside him, yet he willed himself, not wanting to take her before he knew she was ready. Ah, she is so enticing. Once he finally touched her wetness, he watched how she tossed her head backwards; it seemed to him that she could no longer control the madness of that moment. To him she was even more beautiful: her lips slightly parted and her tongue flicked out once he spread the wetness across her skin. A soft noise escaped when his fingers reached the most hidden part of her thigh, tracing it so slowly as he could muster. She surprised him, going from a shy maiden to a woman who needed to be loved, her eager legs spread wide, her hands gripping even tighter when he withdrew his hand back to her thigh and up again. This was slow lovemaking to him, he mused, and let his fingers wander up again, spreading moistness as he found it.
His touch could not be described; at least Amarië forsook any words to say. Instead, she begged him with a quiet sound while fighting not to drop backwards on the bed. She finally relented once she felt his finger probing her further, slipping between her legs into her place so hot and wet that his fingers felt cold compared to the fire that burnt so deeply inside her. However, he did not end there, and she suddenly arched her back, not being able to hold back a moan when two more fingers slid inside. The most natural thing to do was to lift her hips to him and she had to see him, wanting to know what he looked like. Will he be just as much on fire as I am? It was almost her undoing as the sight alone seemed to fill her, besides the many fingers inside her that pleased so. If this is the beginning of our bonding, Amarië asked herself, what more wonders does he have in store?
Finrod smiled as he perceived her thoughts, feeling glad that now she was ready to be united with him. Still, he would not rush ahead and his thumb now found her small clit. Her thoughts flashed out to him as a wave, growing stronger as he continued to move his fingers inside her and his thumb played with her. I will release you. Trust me, my passionate Amarië.
A blind trust was all she had in him now, mingled with the deepest love and appreciation that he gifted her with such a sensation. This promise of relief and release sounded so welcoming now and welcomed it wildly as she screamed out his name. Even more so, he did not stop now, his fingers rubbed her inner walls, and a thumb that knew her too well to explain did not cease its tantalising movements.
“I need you Amarië.” Finrod spoke to her as his breathing speed up once he withdrew his hand. His patience waned and replaced by this wild lust, he did not wanted to wait any longer and sat up to lean over her, needing to place his body over hers. For a moment, he studied her, tears rolling down her face while a smile graced her lips and he knew she was happy. Oh so gently, he lifted her legs to wrap them tightly around his waist and guided himself into her warm entrance. No gentleness could prepare her what was to come and he slid inside her, hearing her startled gasp as he did so. There was no word of hesitation coming from his love and he felt her hands grasping his forearms, as if she wanted him to drive deeply into her. She whimpered at first, then moaned with joy when he began to thrust, faster and deeper. Finrod needed to taste her while he moved slowly, nuzzling her neck at first, then their lips met violently. His tongue plunged inside her mouth with a ferocity that surprised him, but he was aware that her reaction was just as powerful and needy.
Amarië’s eagerness once more showed through as she wrapped her legs ever tighter around him, and he tried to think of other things, which helped him, hold back for a while. For now he tried not to think of what he could do to her this night, he sensed how she sought him out, tugging at the edges of his mind. Gripping his buttocks again, while she pushed down ever harder on him, he let go at last and let her enter his mind. There he showed her what she did to him, driving him insane with her bold moves, her inviting and beautiful body moving with his and her sweet mouth kissing him so fiercely.
Love. Need. You.
Amarië broke their kiss as the overwhelming flood of impressions that he dared to share with her now, and something else happened between them too. The moment she became aware of it, she knew that he had seen it too: Their fear entwined as two golden cords followed the rhythm their bodies set in their mating.
Amarië felt how his rhythm grew more fiercely as the cord of their fear wound tighter each time he entered her so deeply. Her moans grew more eager; his arousal filled her so completely and every fibre of her being ached with a need for more of him, not just now, but forever. Once again, her body was inflamed, burning up with his touch and his thoughts that mirrored her own. Suddenly she became aware that again she was nearing a tide that would bring her that sweet release. Amarië felt safe and strengthened by their bond, knowing that this time she would not fall alone. There was no holding back for the both of them. Amarië felt the intensity inside her mounting so high that all she suddenly felt she should do to prolong this feeling was to clench his erection with her inner muscles as best as she could; although, it seemed that she only pushed him over that edge that she had experienced before.
Finrod was no longer sure if he could hold back, the final pieces of resistance fell away once he felt how her inner muscles gripped him so tight and all he wanted to do was to let go of it all, taking her with her in their fall, knowing that the cord that tied them now was a safeguard. Once before he had fallen into darkness, escaping pain, his world shrinking to a release. This time it was bliss, so overpowering that he knew he was not alone, where the euphoric orgasm was all that grounded them both. There was the snap of release; he screamed her name while he arched his own back once the powerful relief hit him. Finrod held her hips steady before he lost himself fully in the precious comfort she offered, their fear united in a bliss previously unknown to him.
Silence and the cold of the night worked as a soothing balm for their heated bodies. Amarië looked up to him while so much love needed to break out. Finrod, at his turn, kissed the tip of her nose and said: “Amarië, I love you so, but no words can express how much.”
His eyes mirrored the peace she saw for the last time before Melkor was released amongst them. “There is no need to, husband mine, for I know now how to love you. It is as if a secret long hidden is now revealed to me.” Amarië answered truthfully, her body clamoured for more.
Finrod smiled once he became aware of that demand and they exchanged another deep, lingering kiss. “Not now, my love, let us first enjoy holding one another, it is a moment I often longed for during those hours of despair. Simply to hold and love you.”
They held each other tenderly for hours, feeling content in each other’s embrace, the knowledge that their love and the union they previously created needed no further words, merely just the action to make up for the ages lost.
Author notes:
Not much is said about Amarië, except for one passage in the Silmarillion:
It came to pass that Nargothrond was full-wrought (and yet Turgon still dwelt in the halls of Vinyamar), and the sons of Finarfin were gathered there to a feast; and Galadriel came from Doriath and dwelt a while in Nargothrond. Now King Finrod Felagund had no wife, and Galadriel asked him why this should be; but foresight came upon Felagund as she spoke, and he said: 'An oath I too shall swear, and must be free to fulfil it, and go into darkness. Nor shall anything of my realm endure that a son should inherit.'
But it is said that not until that hour had such cold thoughts ruled him; for indeed she whom he had loved was Amarië of the Vanyar, and she went not with him into exile.
From The Silmarillion, Chapter fifteen Of the Noldor in Beleriand
$108. About this time it is recorded that Nargothrond was full-wrought, and Finrod's sons were gathered there to a feast and Galadriel came from Doriath and dwelt there a while. Now King Inglor Felagund had no wife, and Galadriel asked him why this was; but foresight came upon Felagund as she spoke, and he said: 'An oath I too shall swear, and must be free to fulfill it and go into darkness. Nor shall anything of all my realm endure that a son should inherit.'
$108. About this time it is recorded that Nargothrond was full-wrought, and Finrod's sons were gathered there to a feast and Galadriel came from Doriath and dwelt there a while. Now King Inglor Felagund had no wife, and Galadriel asked him why this was; but foresight came upon Felagund as she spoke, and he said: 'An oath I too shall swear, and must be free to fulfill it and go into darkness. Nor shall anything of all my realm endure that a son should inherit.'
$109. But it is said that not until that hour had such cold thoughts ruled him; for indeed she whom he had loved was Amarië of the Vanyar, and she was not permitted to go with him into exile.
HOME 11: the War of the Jewels, Part One, The Grey Annals, 102, $108-109
Both books in the History of Middle-earth series (The War of the Jewels and the Peoples of Middle-earth) give us more details on why Amarië was not with him, simply because she was not permitted to follow him. The History of Middle Earth 11, The war of the Jewels, gives us more an idea what the professor had in mind for the two of them, which gave me free lease to write their wedding night and Finrod’s reward and release from his own oath. Specific sources: History of Middle-earth 12: the Peoples of Middle-earth, Part two. Late Writings, X - Of Dwarves and Men, II The Atani and their Languages, note seven. History of Middle-earth 11: the War of the Jewels, Part One, The Grey Annals, 102, $108-109 and History of Middle-earth 11: the War of the Jewels, Part One, The Grey Annals, Commentary 180
For the writing of the union and their bonding, I refer to History of Middle-earth part 10, Morgoth’s Ring, Part Three, the later Quenta Silmarillion. II, The second phase. From there I used several elements - not only from Laws and customs from the Eldar - to write it, mingled with a lot of my own imagination aka Rhapsy!verse.
The communication by thought between this couple, including Finrod’s hiding of thoughts is solely based on Professor Tolkien’s essay Osanwë-kenta: Enquiry into the Communication of Thought as published Vinyar Tengwar, no. 39.
Special thanks goes to my beta Trekqueen and to Isil Elensar who both listened so patiently to my ramblings about garment, offering great advise when I needed it.
Beta: Trekqueen
Main Characters: Finrod/Amarië
Rating: NC-17
Genre(s): Romance, Drama/Angst
Summary: On the eve of her wedding night, Amarië has a startling revelation about herself and her love for Finrod
Archives: Quills & ink, Silmarilion Writers Guild, OSA, and AFF.
Author comments: This is written for the Little Balrog 2007 Stocking Stuffer Swap for Aussie Lass. Her original Request: Finrod/Amarië or Fëanor/Nerdanel or Legolas/Éowyn. Any ratings are fine. I would like something a little angsty, but not really really dark.
Since this is highly adult, I have placed it under the cut.
So this was it. I have won. I, Amarië of the Vanyar, finally have won the love of the man I so desired. It was a long and hard-fought battle, but today I finally could call him mine. Amarië thought to herself as she stood there, her arms outstretched while her ladies in waiting quietly dressed her for her wedding night keeping her eyes closed. The whispers of their silken gowns told her how busy they were, telling her when to move in this well-known routine, still this night would not be like all others. Amarië was tense, often she heard the phrase as taut as a bowstring, and she wondered what that would be like. Perhaps the comparison to a harp - an instrument she knew so well - would be more at place. Would he make her sing so beautifully like a harp when he touched her? Amarië simply did not know. She did not know many things. To her it felt like the ultimate price she paid of waiting so long and even when they were reunited years ago, Amarië was not sure what to do with her troubled betrothed who still had a long way to go for his recovery.
We fought so hard to get here, she thought, yet I do wonder, why is there this doubt in my heart? Why does my hand halt when we go beyond any touch than simply holding hands or a kiss? I cannot tell why I hesitate so. It is just so confusing, after all these many ages, why is it that I suddenly doubt myself?
Today had been such an impressive day: there were many festivities, laughter, and joy when people met again and simply reconnected. Their day had proven to serve as a symbol. The exchange of the rings and the rejoicing shouts of their people served as the culmination that showed in the end, the Eldar would prevail. That was this afternoon, where did the hours go? Amarië mused as she opened her eyes and found her ladies in waiting gone. Arien sunk and Tilion started his chase, it seemed to her that a grim shadow was still between them.
“Should I give him more time to heal?” Amarië asked herself aloud. “I once loved him, I held onto hope where many said I had none. He had forsaken me, just like the others, lost forever to the darkness to never return. I could not give in or let him go because on that day he took my heart with him to that place.”
Quietly she sat down on their bed, placing both her hands on the cooling silk. With a sigh, Amarië took in the room of their new home; everything was new, and just finished in the perfection both could ever have asked for. Somehow, that perfection did not appeal to her anymore.
Then it suddenly dawned on her and it hit her hard. Perhaps she had concentrated too much on organising their wedding altogether in order to avoid what truly happened. “I have changed, yes really changed.” Amarië cried out and tried tight back her tears. “Why could I not see it? In these past days, when I have seen myself in the mirror during the last fittings, I seemed like someone else. Who have I become?”
The panic struck her hard; it was if suddenly, all the anxiety and pain of not knowing came out. “I don't know how to take this, I don't see why he moves me. He will be here any moment now and I just … I just do not any longer know how to love him.”
Amarië rose from the bed and walked towards the windowsill. There she placed her head against the wood and tried to calm the turmoil of her thoughts. Of course, she had heard of other women panicking before they would be wed. Yet, all of them felt the hesitation slip away during the ceremony. What had she truly felt? Duty and obligation, but to what? To him, to her people? To his people? Often she heard that couples could not hide their true feelings for one another, yet she was not able to see what went through Finrod’s mind at all! It was as if he had pulled up a barrier, keeping his emotions in check and thoughts hidden. There was not much he did talk about and his father told her often that in time he would open up to her. Amarië clenched her fist and aimed for the window. Just in time, she stopped herself and relaxed her hand to place it against the cold glass.
“Finarfin told me that years ago and, in the mean time, I did not see that the man who came back, was not the man I loved. What should I do now, I cannot go through with this now,” Amarië concluded, then looked at the side table near to the door. “This should be cancelled, unless our wedding night should be spent on letting my feelings and doubt out? Maybe this still can be saved, but not in the manner of a bodily reunion,” she decided and crossed the room. The moment she touched the bell, the door opened.
“Finrod!” Amarië reacted startled and took in the image of her husband as she stepped backwards. Compared to the ceremony earlier that day, he seemed like a different man with his golden hair falling unbound on his deep blue robe that he wore. Underneath it, Amarië realised with a sigh of relief, he was not naked but clothed in a simple shift that barely reached his knees.
“Do you like it?” His rich and soothing voice made her look up into his steady grey eyes.
Finrod could not tell why her eyes held a certain fear for him, after all days festivities were said and done, he patiently made it through dinner and had to summon most of his willpower when her ladies in waiting came for her. To Finrod, there was nothing wrong with taking his own bride to their room. However, according to the traditions of her station, she needed to be prepared. For what, he had no idea until now. Her intricate braids had been carefully untangled and brushed into a golden softness that covered her shoulders and most likely her back. Ah, it was so easy to imagine that once he simply untied the laces of that chemise and he would lay her down on the bed so carefully; those silken tresses would cover her bare skin, only then to be brushed aside by his hands. No! Even better, his lips!
The waiting was now over, none could tell him to be careful with her or not to tell her any cruel memories of events he had to live through. It came at a cost, he knew that, but he deep down wished that once they finally could start a life together, he could make her part of it too. Otherwise, he would never give herself fully and for this evening he would.
“We need to talk,” Amarië suddenly said and the light touch of panic made Finrod frown.
“How so, my love? Have we not talked for so long the past years that we simply cannot enjoy our union?” Finrod asked her as he neared her. Why would she step away like that as if she wanted to shun his touch? Finrod wondered. Perhaps those ladies put fears in her head about duties and obligations. Maybe they warned her about the Noldor vigour by bringing up Míriel’s fate.
“This union…”
“Yes?” Finrod gently said while he pulled her close, then firmly against his chest. “This union is our celebration of a long wait, Amarië. Do not deny yourself this victory.” His bride trembled under his hands, yet she gave in, and he reached for her hand to place it against his chest. “My heart belongs to you now, Amarië, no longer shall I hold back.”
“You will say that now, yet I cannot perceive what you truly feel for me,” Amarië finally confessed once she looked up to him. Why do you scare me so, she thought, I want you, for I do wish to love you.
Finrod smiled down on her, in a kind but firm manner once he lifted her head so he could look in her blue eyes. Still he said nothing, no words escaped his mouth and he dared not to open his mind in full to her just yet, and at the same time he knew it had to be done. You have nothing to be afraid of my Amarië, for I will gladly walk through the everlasting dark to protect you. I would suffer the most unbearable pains just for you. Only for you. Once he uttered those final thoughts, he lifted her chin and kissed her lightly on her lips.
The confession had startled her, leaving her confused as to why he would have chosen to do this now. At first she wanted to resist him. The urge to slap him on the cheek for deceiving her like this was a thought that immediately came to her! Yet, as she stood there and his mouth tenderly lingered on hers, it made her want to savour the feel of his lips against hers. It showed her that Finrod loved her with such compassion that he would not press on if she did not want to do so. Still he tasted her with infinite gentleness as he slowly pressed on more, waiting for her to respond to him. Could she?
Yes, you can. Amarië suddenly heard Finrod challenging her. Carefully she closed her eyes, she dared to let her feä reach out to him as best as she could. The touch of his feä was surprising: warm and golden, protective and passionate. A flame that could consume her, yet it felt so safe and secure. What am I to do now? She cried out, now confused and feeling insecure.
Stay with me, Finrod answered as he cupped her face and deepened the kiss, his tongue lightly tracing the outline of her mouth. The sensations tickled her and warmth curled low in her stomach. I will! Amarië answered and gave into his touch.
“Amarië.” Finrod whispered and slid his lips across her cheek, planting tiny kisses along her jaw line as he felt how she tipped her head sideways. Not wanting to let go, he dropped his hand on her shoulder and massaged the skin. “Touch me, my love.”
Wavering at first, Amarië let her hands slip under his robe and placed her hands on his back, but Finrod laughed huskily. Her heart was pounding as she felt his hands slide quickly down over her silken chemise. She had heard about the fire in a touch, she was warned about him and his kindred. However, she could not go back now, nor wanted to. A fiery passion was in his touch when he trailed his fingers along her neck. To her it felt like such a simple caress and nonetheless, her body reacted with more desire than she had felt in the ages past. It only increased, making her feel that he wanted her to lean into his touch as his fingertips traced her breasts through the fabric. What would a surrender like this feel like, she thought, please, Finrod, and do not cease touching me like this, but teach me everything there is to know about this type of intimacy!
“I shall,” Finrod breathed in her ear as his hands lingered upon the small laces. There were so many and he decided that he could undo them quickly. Soon the fabric fell over his hands and with a patience that he never thought he could muster, he let it gently slide on the ground. His Amarië now stood there so vulnerable and open to him, her lips soft and trembling from wanting him. “Amarië, undress me,” He commanded her.
His request was simple and straightforward; still she did not want to let go of his body. “I shall, if you wish so.” Her hands travelled upwards to his shoulders and then slipped under the velvet robe to lift it. With a small tug and a little push, it slid from his shoulders and onto the ground. Amarië looked up again and met his stormy eyes. Both said nothing and instead of removing his shift, she chose to tease his mouth, touching her tongue softly on its lower lip as he played with her before, thinking that he would like it as well.
Finrod growled impatiently, for he wished to feel her skin against his, yet felt glad for her taking more part in their lovemaking. Instead, he let her do her own exploration, willing himself to keep the pace low, for now. “Amarië,” he whispered as he broke their kiss, drawing his hand upward over her belly. “I need you.” His fingertips touched the underside of her breast teasingly, but he wanted more.
Amarië tried to swallow, but the lump in her throat prevented even that simple action. What could she do now? As she observed him, she contemplated what she should do next. Should I bring him down or ask him to lie down with me on our bed? Is this the moment to speak of love? Is this how he can move me and bring me to a deeper desire? Amarië wished she could keep her emotions in check and pressed a kiss against his cheek.
“I want you to feel and experience, Amarië, nothing more.” Finrod answered and his hand moved up to cover her breast. While inhaling deeply, he blew a breath of hot air down her sweetly curved mounds and watched how she shivered. “Now undress me.”
Amarië nodded, feeling the last thoughts of resistance slipping away under his hands and loving words. How could I have doubted our love so? Amarië thought and lifted his shift up high, her eyes feasted on the site of his rippling chest, as he pulled it over his head and off. Tossing the shift to the floor, his eyes focused hers.
“Because Amarië, whether we will like it our not, even our love was marred by him. I keep you blameless of it, for I do understand.” He pulled her close to him, as her breasts now pressed firmly on his chest. Gripping her buttocks firmly, he pushed her tight against his waist.
Amarië pushed back her tears and relished in this feeling of being so close to him, she could feel him, now erect and hot against her skin.
She feels so soft, he thought as he felt her so close and looking up to him in love and admiration. The temptation nearly overwhelmed him and could not help it but to press further into her while his heart pounded ever harder.
Amarië blushed at perceiving his thought and realised that he was just as excited as she was. It was an instinct, yet she felt that she should explore it and reached down between their warm bodies, finding his throbbing erection and touched it carefully. Then, when she felt more reassured, she stroked him with a trembling hand.
Finrod could not help it and tossed his head backwards, moaning lightly, then looked down to watch what she was doing to him: enjoying her fingers touching him there for the very first time. It was so much more than he could have hoped for, yet his eagerness became the better of him and he fetched her hand saying, “More of that later.”
Feeling confused by his sudden interruption, Amarië also heard the promise in his voice. Instead, she held her hand out to him, offering him her complete trust. With a smile, Finrod took it as he led her over to their bed. There they halted in hesitation, Amarië tried not to look at the bed, feeling nervous about the big step both were about to make. Finrod, however, pulled her to him and they beheld each other. It seemed so simple to him, to have her so close as they both were ready to make their bond final.
“Finrod…” Amarië started, then thought: maybe we should not do this.
“Trust me,” He answered, then turned her gently around and bent in to kiss the back of her neck, and when he saw how his hot breath sent shivers through her body, he smiled.
Amarië struggled with her thoughts while her body reacted so strongly to his. Our bodies are already in accordance, why can this shadow not pass. A cry escaped her once he slid his fingers down her back at first, following with his tongue which stirred every nerve in her body, and when he finally reached her thighs he halted to stand up again.
“Will you sit down for me?” he simply asked her and she obeyed. The satin sheets felt cold to her once she sat down and Finrod’s body was so warm and close. Then she looked up shyly to him and nearly burst into tears, not of fear, but of this overwhelming sensation that came over her once she saw the love and adoration in his eyes. How could she not love him?
Finrod felt sad that she still struggled with her doubts, after so many years, he simply assumed that his Amarië would have felt more certain of her love for him. After all, she could have taken another for a husband. To him it felt even more important to make this first night together special for both, but especially for her. No jewels or other gifts could do justice for her unwavering patience and love, Finrod thought as he kneeled down in front of her and touched her thighs.
It was just a thought to her, but as Amarië sat there looking at her calm husband, she could not help it, and pulled him to her. At that very moment, she wanted to feel him close and did not object once Finrod’s hand slid between her thighs, caressing her gently. “It will begin, Amarië.” He spoke to her, “I cannot go back now.”
“Please,” she whispered, revelling in the touch of his strong hands and all seemed forgotten, her mind focused on his touch sliding across her upper leg. A strange sensation, of which she experienced before, returned so strongly. Open to me. A private thought touched her mind and even though she did not exactly know what her lover wanted, she spread her knees wider and she buried her own hands in his hair the moment he came into range. A gasp of need escaped her while his tormenting finger probed higher on her leg, still it was so agonising slow.
Finrod thought he was about to lose his mind, her hands gripped his hair so strongly as if she wanted to guide him instead. His shaft responded immediately to her warmth and action, starting this unstoppable desire inside him, yet he willed himself, not wanting to take her before he knew she was ready. Ah, she is so enticing. Once he finally touched her wetness, he watched how she tossed her head backwards; it seemed to him that she could no longer control the madness of that moment. To him she was even more beautiful: her lips slightly parted and her tongue flicked out once he spread the wetness across her skin. A soft noise escaped when his fingers reached the most hidden part of her thigh, tracing it so slowly as he could muster. She surprised him, going from a shy maiden to a woman who needed to be loved, her eager legs spread wide, her hands gripping even tighter when he withdrew his hand back to her thigh and up again. This was slow lovemaking to him, he mused, and let his fingers wander up again, spreading moistness as he found it.
His touch could not be described; at least Amarië forsook any words to say. Instead, she begged him with a quiet sound while fighting not to drop backwards on the bed. She finally relented once she felt his finger probing her further, slipping between her legs into her place so hot and wet that his fingers felt cold compared to the fire that burnt so deeply inside her. However, he did not end there, and she suddenly arched her back, not being able to hold back a moan when two more fingers slid inside. The most natural thing to do was to lift her hips to him and she had to see him, wanting to know what he looked like. Will he be just as much on fire as I am? It was almost her undoing as the sight alone seemed to fill her, besides the many fingers inside her that pleased so. If this is the beginning of our bonding, Amarië asked herself, what more wonders does he have in store?
Finrod smiled as he perceived her thoughts, feeling glad that now she was ready to be united with him. Still, he would not rush ahead and his thumb now found her small clit. Her thoughts flashed out to him as a wave, growing stronger as he continued to move his fingers inside her and his thumb played with her. I will release you. Trust me, my passionate Amarië.
A blind trust was all she had in him now, mingled with the deepest love and appreciation that he gifted her with such a sensation. This promise of relief and release sounded so welcoming now and welcomed it wildly as she screamed out his name. Even more so, he did not stop now, his fingers rubbed her inner walls, and a thumb that knew her too well to explain did not cease its tantalising movements.
“I need you Amarië.” Finrod spoke to her as his breathing speed up once he withdrew his hand. His patience waned and replaced by this wild lust, he did not wanted to wait any longer and sat up to lean over her, needing to place his body over hers. For a moment, he studied her, tears rolling down her face while a smile graced her lips and he knew she was happy. Oh so gently, he lifted her legs to wrap them tightly around his waist and guided himself into her warm entrance. No gentleness could prepare her what was to come and he slid inside her, hearing her startled gasp as he did so. There was no word of hesitation coming from his love and he felt her hands grasping his forearms, as if she wanted him to drive deeply into her. She whimpered at first, then moaned with joy when he began to thrust, faster and deeper. Finrod needed to taste her while he moved slowly, nuzzling her neck at first, then their lips met violently. His tongue plunged inside her mouth with a ferocity that surprised him, but he was aware that her reaction was just as powerful and needy.
Amarië’s eagerness once more showed through as she wrapped her legs ever tighter around him, and he tried to think of other things, which helped him, hold back for a while. For now he tried not to think of what he could do to her this night, he sensed how she sought him out, tugging at the edges of his mind. Gripping his buttocks again, while she pushed down ever harder on him, he let go at last and let her enter his mind. There he showed her what she did to him, driving him insane with her bold moves, her inviting and beautiful body moving with his and her sweet mouth kissing him so fiercely.
Love. Need. You.
Amarië broke their kiss as the overwhelming flood of impressions that he dared to share with her now, and something else happened between them too. The moment she became aware of it, she knew that he had seen it too: Their fear entwined as two golden cords followed the rhythm their bodies set in their mating.
Amarië felt how his rhythm grew more fiercely as the cord of their fear wound tighter each time he entered her so deeply. Her moans grew more eager; his arousal filled her so completely and every fibre of her being ached with a need for more of him, not just now, but forever. Once again, her body was inflamed, burning up with his touch and his thoughts that mirrored her own. Suddenly she became aware that again she was nearing a tide that would bring her that sweet release. Amarië felt safe and strengthened by their bond, knowing that this time she would not fall alone. There was no holding back for the both of them. Amarië felt the intensity inside her mounting so high that all she suddenly felt she should do to prolong this feeling was to clench his erection with her inner muscles as best as she could; although, it seemed that she only pushed him over that edge that she had experienced before.
Finrod was no longer sure if he could hold back, the final pieces of resistance fell away once he felt how her inner muscles gripped him so tight and all he wanted to do was to let go of it all, taking her with her in their fall, knowing that the cord that tied them now was a safeguard. Once before he had fallen into darkness, escaping pain, his world shrinking to a release. This time it was bliss, so overpowering that he knew he was not alone, where the euphoric orgasm was all that grounded them both. There was the snap of release; he screamed her name while he arched his own back once the powerful relief hit him. Finrod held her hips steady before he lost himself fully in the precious comfort she offered, their fear united in a bliss previously unknown to him.
Silence and the cold of the night worked as a soothing balm for their heated bodies. Amarië looked up to him while so much love needed to break out. Finrod, at his turn, kissed the tip of her nose and said: “Amarië, I love you so, but no words can express how much.”
His eyes mirrored the peace she saw for the last time before Melkor was released amongst them. “There is no need to, husband mine, for I know now how to love you. It is as if a secret long hidden is now revealed to me.” Amarië answered truthfully, her body clamoured for more.
Finrod smiled once he became aware of that demand and they exchanged another deep, lingering kiss. “Not now, my love, let us first enjoy holding one another, it is a moment I often longed for during those hours of despair. Simply to hold and love you.”
They held each other tenderly for hours, feeling content in each other’s embrace, the knowledge that their love and the union they previously created needed no further words, merely just the action to make up for the ages lost.
Author notes:
Not much is said about Amarië, except for one passage in the Silmarillion:
It came to pass that Nargothrond was full-wrought (and yet Turgon still dwelt in the halls of Vinyamar), and the sons of Finarfin were gathered there to a feast; and Galadriel came from Doriath and dwelt a while in Nargothrond. Now King Finrod Felagund had no wife, and Galadriel asked him why this should be; but foresight came upon Felagund as she spoke, and he said: 'An oath I too shall swear, and must be free to fulfil it, and go into darkness. Nor shall anything of my realm endure that a son should inherit.'
But it is said that not until that hour had such cold thoughts ruled him; for indeed she whom he had loved was Amarië of the Vanyar, and she went not with him into exile.
From The Silmarillion, Chapter fifteen Of the Noldor in Beleriand
$108. About this time it is recorded that Nargothrond was full-wrought, and Finrod's sons were gathered there to a feast and Galadriel came from Doriath and dwelt there a while. Now King Inglor Felagund had no wife, and Galadriel asked him why this was; but foresight came upon Felagund as she spoke, and he said: 'An oath I too shall swear, and must be free to fulfill it and go into darkness. Nor shall anything of all my realm endure that a son should inherit.'
$108. About this time it is recorded that Nargothrond was full-wrought, and Finrod's sons were gathered there to a feast and Galadriel came from Doriath and dwelt there a while. Now King Inglor Felagund had no wife, and Galadriel asked him why this was; but foresight came upon Felagund as she spoke, and he said: 'An oath I too shall swear, and must be free to fulfill it and go into darkness. Nor shall anything of all my realm endure that a son should inherit.'
$109. But it is said that not until that hour had such cold thoughts ruled him; for indeed she whom he had loved was Amarië of the Vanyar, and she was not permitted to go with him into exile.
HOME 11: the War of the Jewels, Part One, The Grey Annals, 102, $108-109
Both books in the History of Middle-earth series (The War of the Jewels and the Peoples of Middle-earth) give us more details on why Amarië was not with him, simply because she was not permitted to follow him. The History of Middle Earth 11, The war of the Jewels, gives us more an idea what the professor had in mind for the two of them, which gave me free lease to write their wedding night and Finrod’s reward and release from his own oath. Specific sources: History of Middle-earth 12: the Peoples of Middle-earth, Part two. Late Writings, X - Of Dwarves and Men, II The Atani and their Languages, note seven. History of Middle-earth 11: the War of the Jewels, Part One, The Grey Annals, 102, $108-109 and History of Middle-earth 11: the War of the Jewels, Part One, The Grey Annals, Commentary 180
For the writing of the union and their bonding, I refer to History of Middle-earth part 10, Morgoth’s Ring, Part Three, the later Quenta Silmarillion. II, The second phase. From there I used several elements - not only from Laws and customs from the Eldar - to write it, mingled with a lot of my own imagination aka Rhapsy!verse.
The communication by thought between this couple, including Finrod’s hiding of thoughts is solely based on Professor Tolkien’s essay Osanwë-kenta: Enquiry into the Communication of Thought as published Vinyar Tengwar, no. 39.
Special thanks goes to my beta Trekqueen and to Isil Elensar who both listened so patiently to my ramblings about garment, offering great advise when I needed it.