Tenebrosity: Chapter 14: "Underneath" Part 2

[rhapsody_series]

Author: galeandrandy
Thank you to my artist: momentsgoneby
Thank you to my editor: adoringaudience
Rating for story: XXX
This is Chapter: 14/20
Genre Timeline: Post-513
Present Time: A little over 10 years post-series moving forward.
Past Time: Story directly after Justin goes to NY, returning to Brian & leading up to present time.
Further credit and thank you post: ++click here++
Notes: The Full Tenebrosity Soundtrack is now available. Discs 1 and 2 links can be found in the sticky or in the sidebar.
Warnings: Angst, Original character death, Raw Sex,
Summary: From such a gentle thing, from such a fountain of all delight, my every pain is born ~ Michelangelo
Story Meta: ++click here++
Rhapsody Series Part 1 On-going Reference Timeline Here
Rhapsody Series Character Images Here
Rhapsody Series Character List & Summaries Here
Chapter Word Count: 21,784
★Rhapsody Series Memories in Numerical Reading Order★

★★

Underneath: Part 2

Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time
I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you
And how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time
Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time
I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time~Selected Lyrics taken from The Longest Time, by Billy Joel

♂♂♂♂♂♂

“Are you sure?” Brian asks, his fingers hovering just inside my waistband.

“God, yes.” I thrust my hips against him, so he can feel my erection against his leg and fall against his body when he shoves his hands down the back of my pants and grips my ass cheeks in his hands. Never, since the night Brian took my virginity, have our bodies been parted for so long.

“Mmmm,” he moans deep, releasing and gripping my ass repeatedly.

I desperately claw at the buttons on his shirt, driven by a maddening urge to appreciate and love his body, as I need to. He pulls his hands out of my jeans, grips my shirt and yanks it off me. I go back to trying to undo the buttons on his shirt but my fingers aren’t working enough to allow me to do it quick enough and I’m not sure why, but I start laughing when I finally get the last two unbuttoned.

“You’re laughing,” he moans against my ear, his fingers pressing into my hips so fiercely I’m going to bruise from his grip. “Why are you laughing?”

Bubbles of happiness continue to explode from my mouth without me being able to stop them. “I’m happy.” It’s too few words to describe the absolute abandonment of the misery that infected me for years. It only dissipated a few minutes ago, but I am certain that what has replaced it is happiness.

He pushes at my chest and slides his hands back down to my waist, holding me at arms length. I shiver as his golden-brown eyes flicker across my face, down my body and then back up again. His lips thin into the most beautiful smile he has ever given me. “I’m happy too.”

I jump toward him and go back to my task of extracting him from his shirt. Once I get off his dress shirt, I grab the hem of the tee underneath and pull it off too. His scars, old and new are now revealed to my eyes. I push my face against his skin and begin kissing them softly, feeling his moans vibrate against my lips. I drag my tongue along each stretch of battered skin and hear him moan, feel his breathing increase and dine on the salty-sweet skin the demons within my soul denied me. I close my eyes, wrap my arms around his back and pull him closer to me while I learn the new textures.

“You’re going to make me come,” he warns, sucking in a deep breath and pulling my hair to jerk my head away from his torso. His hands relax, skim down my face, to my throat, and come to rest on my shoulders. “I want to finish undressing you.” His words come out sounding like a question and solidify as one when he doesn’t try to push my pants down; he just stares at me, his eyes studying me for my reaction.

The Brian standing before me isn’t the same man he was the last time we made love. He looks scared, apprehensive and I can tell he’s holding back. “I want you to be happy,” he says.

“You’re making me happy,” I try to assure him. I rub my hands up and down his shuddering back, feeling how terrified of me he is. I hate myself for doing this to him. “I will be happier than I’ve been in years if you’ll touch me, Brian. I don’t want you to hold back.”

His nod is slow, forced. “If you push me away once we start…I….I’ll… I don’t know what...”

My hands cup his head and I pull him down to kiss me. “I won’t ever push you away. I promise.”

“Don’t promise that. You might not be able to keep it.” He wraps his arms around me and hugs me, his body slightly shaking. “Just promise it for tonight.”

“I once promised you forever, Brian, and I haven’t broken that promise, not even when I couldn’t see anything but shadows. I love you and I want you to feel how much I mean that. I want to feel you love me, too.”

The hesitancy within him doesn’t go away immediately. But somewhere between him getting naked and then slipping my running tights down my legs, it evaporates. I sit down on the floor and lift my legs so he can pull them all the way off me.

As soon as he throws my pants behind him, he crawls between my legs, places his hand over the bulge inside my underwear and hoarsely whispers, “Your cock is really hard.”

I smile like a fool and grab his shoulders, pulling him down with me and thrusting my pelvis against him. I kiss all over his face and in between my lips and tongue meeting his skin, I tell him my desires, what I want to taste and feel.

“Shh…” He grinds hard against me, my body shudders, and my dick leaks so much from feeling his hot erection against mine that I think I might’ve just had a small orgasm. His body suddenly separates from me and he stands up, offering his hand to me. “We’ll do all of that. In bed.”

I grip his hand and he pulls me up, my almost naked body gluing against his nude one. The smell of him makes me salivate and I can’t control it and climax into my underwear, right there in his arms, gripping onto him as the waves of bliss make me weak.

♂♂♂♂♂♂

When Justin’s tongue starts lapping at the head of my cock, my knees buckle and I have to bend over and grab his shoulders to keep standing. “Not here,” I speak, taking a couple steps back. “Get…get on the bed.” I watch him with fascination. He pulls his tight underwear down his hips, uses them to wipe the come from his cock and kicks them to the side.

Fuck, he’s gorgeous. I can’t tear my eyes away from him as he crawls into the bed and kneels in the center facing me, his head bowed as he starts stroking his cock. His body is still very skinny but he’s filling out more and I can’t wait to touch him everywhere and learn his new shape. His cock, thankfully, that hasn’t changed at all but he’s let the pubes around it grow thick and unruly. I want to bury my face in them and smell him.

“Brian,” he gasps my name and looks over at me, his eyes dark and lusty. “Come on.”

“I’m coming.”

He laughs and throws himself back on the mattress, facing the side of the bed that I walk around to and spreads his legs in a welcoming gesture for me. I lean on the bed with my hands near his feet, his movements entrancing me. Justin’s expression is so innocent and pure it’s the total opposite of his motions. He slowly opens and closes his legs repeatedly, his hands skimming along his torso, stopping to pinch his nipples before they keep smoothing along his skin. I don’t wait any longer to touch him. I slide my body onto the mattress, palm his knees and spread his legs so they’ll rest on each side of my hips.

His cool fingers crawl up my spine and he arches his hips, connecting our cocks and all of my pent up desire surges into my balls, drawing them tight and I have to flip myself to the side of his body to create distance from him so I don’t come.

“Maybe you should just let me take the edge off?” he asks, propping himself up on his side, looking down at me with a smug expression.

I’m tempted to let him but I don’t want to come in his mouth. I want to be inside him. I’m just out of practice at controlling my libido. I feel like a teenager who has to think about gross things to stop himself from coming. So I do. I close my eyes, draw up an image of FAT, a straight porn magazine Mikey gave me as a gag gift years ago and the pressure in my balls subsides. Okay, I can do this now.

I turn myself back over and flip Justin onto his back, pushing up his legs, and run my tongue and lips all over his scarred leg. He keens in pleasure and moves his legs up closer to his body. I get my first glimpse at his pink pucker and my mouth waters. I know that Justin’s had many problems keeping an erection and probably doesn’t masturbate often, though he’s having no trouble getting an erection now. He’s already completely hard after coming only a few minutes ago. I wonder if he’s touched himself, if he’s used any of our toys when I’m not home or if his hole hasn’t seen any attention and now is virgin-tight.

“You’re making me nervous. Why are you staring at me like that?” he asks huskily.

In answer to him, I place my lips against his entrance and begin to taste his core.

“Oh, fuck! Uhhhh fuck…Brian!”

I slip my tongue in and out of him, coaxing him to relax, to let my tongue in further upon every entry. He’s so tight and sensitive to every suck and lick from me that it’s obvious his ass hasn’t been getting any attention from him. His hands grab my hair and he starts pulling on it while thrusting his ass up into my face. I move my hands up his inner thighs, then use one to stroke his cock and with the other, I caress his chest.

“I’m gonna come,” he groans deep and low. “I’m gonna... Brian.”

I pull away and lick my lips, missing his taste already. “Not yet.” I grab the lube from my nightstand drawer and turn him so his head lies on the pillows. I pour the lube onto my fingers, slick my cock with it and then put my hand between his legs. “Open up for me.”

He pulls his legs to his chest, locking his eyes with mine and giving me a small smile. “Not too much or I might come.”

I nod and tap one of my fingers outside of his hole. He sucks in a deep breath and closes his eyes as he lets it out, relaxing to the sensation of my finger pushing inside of him. “Oh!” His hand reaches down and grabs my wrist, stopping my movement. His eyes flutter open and I see they’re the same blue-black color they get the moment before he comes. “I can’t…” he says pleadingly. “I’ll come if you do it. Just put your cock inside of me.”

I shake my head at him. There’s no way I’m going to hurt him tonight. “You’re too tight.”

“It’s okay.” He pulls my finger out of him. “I don’t want to come again until you’re inside me,” he pants out. “I might not get hard again and I don’t want to risk it. Please Brian, it’s like….like my body can’t… can’t remember how to hold back. And I’m…” Justin licks his lips and drops his head onto the pillows while moaning. “I’m trying so hard not to come right this second and you’re not even doing anything to me.”

I laugh, understanding his frustration completely. “Me too.”

“Just go slow, I think the urge will diminish a little from the stretch and then maybe I’ll be okay.” He smiles at me and brings his legs up onto my shoulders. “I’m not very flexible anymore,” he grunts out as my forward movement pushes them toward his chest.

“We’re not working tomorrow,” I remind him, resting my dick against his entrance. “Mmmhmm and we’ll have all day to recover.”

“Not all day.” He glances toward the nightstand and looks back at me, his sunshine smile suddenly as bright as I’ve ever seen it. “Don’t forget about your birthday dinner tonight.” He squeezes my ass and pulls me hard into him and my dickhead slips inside his hole. “Happy Birthday, Brian,” his words come out as one long grunt.

I look at the clock, see it’s after midnight and I know there is no better way to start a new year of my life than by sliding all the way inside of him, joining us together again. His super tight heat surrounds me, his mouth connects to mine and we begin to make up for lost time, together.

♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thursday, April 20, 2017

“We’re here!” I yell, walking in our front door and gesturing to Michael, Ben and Jenny to come in behind me.

“We’re in the kitchen,” Dad yells.

I start to walk down the hall to the kitchen and stop in my tracks as I see a picture of Arella hanging beside my picture on the hallway wall. “Holy shit!”

“Something good must’ve happened,” Ben says in a soothing voice, cupping my shoulder and squeezing it.

“What?” Jenny asks, having not been inside our house in so long that she doesn’t understand the change.

“Nothing,” Michael tells her, knowing that we probably shouldn’t draw attention to this. “Let’s go find Uncle Brian and tell him happy birthday.”

“I’ve got to run up and get my dad’s present,” I tell them and take off up the stairs. I reach the top, turn toward my room and flinch when I see something near the door, two doors down from my bedroom. Holy fuck!



Something happened, something fucking major happened! I pass my bedroom and I see a painting of her hanging in the hallway. What the fuck happened? I turn on my heels and walk back down to my bedroom to get my dad’s birthday gift and hope the dread I feel will go away. This is the first time my father has celebrated his birthday in years and apparently there may be other things to celebrate too. I can’t allow this stuff to bother me today.

♂♂♂♂♂♂

“Do you like it?” Gus asks in an uncertain voice. “I know it’s your birthday, but it’s for both of you.”

Brian nods a few times, pulling his lips inside his mouth and shaking head side to side. From where I’m sitting across from them, I can’t see what is in the folder Gus handed him, but I’m curious to see what it is. Brian is very emotional and usually when he opens any gifts, even if it’s something he really loves, he’s quick to make some joke or snide remark about them. However, he’s not saying anything or looking anywhere but at the folder in his lap.

I look over at Michael and Ben and I can tell from the looks on their faces that they already know what the gift is. I place my camera on the coffee table and walk over to Brian and Gus, squeezing in beside Brian. “What is it?” I ask, looking down at his lap. It’s a bunch of papers and at first glance, I can’t tell what they are.

Brian jerks them into my lap and his voice wobbles as he says, “Read it.”

I start to read the first paper and it takes me a minute to understand what I’m reading. I grab Brian’s hand and look over at Gus in total shock. “Gus,” I squeak out his name but I’m at a loss for words besides that.

“I got it changed on everything. My driver’s license, my passport, everything. Mama helped me with it when I went there for spring break,” he explains, grinning proudly. “I’m now officially Gus Peterson-Marcus Taylor-Kinney.” He shoves his hand into his pocket, produces his wallet and flips it open. “But Gus Taylor-Kinney for short. Marcus-Peterson is technically my middle name now.”

“Melanie, helped you with this?” the words tumble from Brian’s mouth in a gasp.

“Yes,” he says, nodding, grinning widely. “Mom knows about it too and gave her permission.”

“Wow.” I’m completely stunned.

“Jenny gets to have uncle Mikey and Ben’s last names; I told her I wanted this a long time ago but then…” He closes his eyes and shakes his head and I know what happened that stopped this from happening. “But it’s done now and now when people call me a Kinney, a Taylor-Kinney, I don’t have to correct them.”

I thought my gift for Brian would be emotional, but this might be equal to it. “Thank you, Gus,” I say, pulling him across Brian to hug him.

Brian joins in on the hug, and kisses both of our foreheads. His eyes shining with unshed tears he tells Gus, “You’re an asshole for giving me this in front of everyone.”

“I won’t tell anyone you cried, Uncle Brian,” Jenny pipes up.

“Yeah right,” Brian grumbles back, “you can’t keep any secrets.”

“Yes I can,” she insists.

Brian is still hugging us close and it feels so damn good, so right to be captured around one of his arms with his other around Gus, but there is that piece of me that can’t help but want Arella to be included in this embrace too.

“So how about you open our present?” Michael says, breaking me away from my thoughts. He reaches inside his pocket and hands Jenny a tiny envelope. “Go give it to Uncle Brian.”

Jenny huffs as she takes the card and brings it over to us. She offers it to Brian but then pulls it back, “Just so you know, I’ve known what this was forever and didn’t tell you.”

Brian lets go of Gus and me so he can pluck the envelope from her hands. “All right, you can keep a secret. Thank you.”

“Uh-huh,” Jenny quips and turns on her heel to go sit back beside Michael.

Brian opens the small white envelope and draws out the card. It’s so tiny it looks like one of those cards they put in flowers. He opens the card and inside is a tiny receipt. Brian brings it closer to his eyes to read it and starts squinting. I know that without his reading glasses he can’t and, unlike him, I could care less what wearing my glasses makes me look like. “Give it here, old man,” I tease.

“It’s a reservation number,” Michael says, stopping Brian from handing it to me.

“A reservation for what?” Brian asks, peering at the receipt again.

“For Adonis,” Ben answers.

Brian and I look at one another, wondering what the fuck Ben and Michael are thinking getting him a reservation to a bathhouse. “Since when do you have to have reservations to go to the Adonis?” he asks.

“Not that Brian or I make use of places like that anymore,” I add feeling uneasy.

“Read the damn card,” Michael urges.

Brian opens the tiny card again squints at the tiny writing for a moment before he begins to read it aloud, “Happy Birthday. Love, Ben, Mikey, Jenny, Mel, Lindsay, Jennifer, Tucker, Ted…” he looks up at Michael and asks, “So you contracted everyone we know to put in on this gift?”

“Uh-huh.”

Okay, what the fuck? So, is everyone somehow aware of my impotence and the lack of Brian’s and my sex life and they all feel like sending him off to a fucking bathhouse to get his mojo back or something? I glare at Michael and grit out, “I’m aware that we’ve had some issues but I didn’t know it was family gossip! We’ve been monogamous for years! Brian is satisfied with me. He doesn’t need a fucking reservation to some fucking…”

“A Gay Resort in Mexico!” Gus yells, interrupting me. He starts laughing and hitting me on the leg, as he falls off the couch giggling at my feet. “Oh my god! So great! You actually thought that they’d all get together to send oh…oh man, like Grandma Jen would put her name on a gift for fuck…ah hahahahaa for Dad to go to….I can’t even… this is so good! Right, right, that’s why little baby Violet’s name is on the card. She already knows what Uncle Brian likes. Oh shit! Oh, fuck, this so good.”

I stare down at him in horror, holding back from kicking the little smart ass and then Michael and Ben join in on his laughter too.

“What?” Jenny asks, clueless. “What is funny?”

“Oh, Justin,” Ben gasps through his snorting laughter, “you thought…oh man. No!”

“Yeah, I mean do they even let men Brian’s age get in there anymore?” Michael asks.

“Hey!” Brian finally pipes up. “You’re the same age as me, fucker.”

“What? Where? Where did you think it was?” Jenny asks me.

I glare at Gus, Michael and Ben and answer her, “There’s this place where men go to…”

“Whoa!” Michael yells, his laughter abruptly ended, though Ben is still snickering.

Gus slowly gets to his feet and tells Jenny, “Justin thought we were sending Brian alone to the resort. It’s where gay men go to have fun without having to worry about homophobes.”

“Oh, okay,” Jenny says grinning. “Uncle Justin, I wouldn’t have told Daddy to put my name on the card if you weren’t going too.”

“Thanks, Jen,” I say, releasing a deep sigh.

“So, you guys all pulled money together to send me on vacation?” Brian asks, uncertainly.

I know he’s probably thinking about Kinnetik and wondering if he can afford to leave. I’m thinking about how much I don’t want to leave at all.

“Yeah,” Michael says. “It isn’t just for you. It’s a birthday present for both of you. It’s been a while since we gave you both anything for your birthdays so we figured we’d go big. Cynthia and Ted arranged it all and you don’t have to worry about Kinnetik; they’ve coordinated everything. Cynthia has a folder with the details and itinerary sitting on your desk right now.”

I love the idea of going to a resort with Brian, somewhere we’ve never been before, but I don’t know if I can handle being away from Britin. It’s the only place that I feel truly safe. I want to go, I really do, but I just don’t know if I can deal with days away.

“When is this for?” Brian asks.

“You leave on Monday,” Ben says.

“This coming Monday?” I ask, growing more anxious by the second.

“Yes, the first,” Ben answers.

I look at Gus, surprised that he knew about this. “What about the study abroad orientation on Monday?” I ask him. “Were you lying about that so I’d have a clear schedule or something?”

“No,” Gus tells me. “We’re still going to that.”

“What time is the flight?” Brian asks.

“You’ll leave at 4:00,” Gus tells him. “The orientation will be over at one,” he says to me.

“So how many days did you plan this for?” Brian asks in a reluctant tone.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t think this is a good idea. Maybe we can just tell them we’re going and go back to Britin and not be bothered. No, shit, that wouldn’t work unless Gus is planning to stay with someone from the family in Pittsburgh, which isn’t such a bad idea.

“You’ll return the sixteenth, sometime in the afternoon if I remember correctly,” Ben says.

“Two weeks on vacation!” Jenny declares. “Isn’t that so totally cool?” she asks us.

I look at Brian while biting my tongue not to reply with the truth of how uncool I think this is. I’m pathetically disappointed when I see Brian’s concerned frown turn into a bright smile.

“Yeah, Jenny, it is totally cool,” Brian replies in a mocking tone and doesn’t stop smiling. “I can’t believe this,” he says. “You guys are going to give me a heart attack.”

“Don’t even joke about that,” Michael says softly. “This is what you both need.”

Michael really is clueless to my needs but maybe not to Brian’s because he appears to be truly happy about this surprise vacation.

Brian grips my hand and I force my body to stop shaking before he notices it. He stares into my eyes while leaning in toward me. “This is what we both need,” he says right before kissing me.

I kiss him back and find my head pressed back against the sofa a second later as the kiss drags out all of my apprehension. I feel like Brian is using his mouth to suck out, then swallow all the fear and anxiety from inside my body. I pull him closer to me as our lips break apart and bury my head against his shoulder, ignoring the comments from the peanut gallery and focus entirely on his smell and the safety I feel being in Brian’s arms.

“What are you laughing at?” he mumbles against my face.

I hadn’t realized I was laughing at him until he draws my attention to it. I look up at him, he’s grinning at me, and something happens to me. It’s as if my whole body has suddenly come alive, the blood is pumping through my veins, all of my nerves are awake, and my brain is working again after years of being comatose. Something that I once knew and took for granted as an instinctual part of who we are, I thought had disappeared. But it’s made itself known to me again. I know that I don’t need to cling to anything to feel safe. He’s all I need. As long as I have him, I’m not going to feel like I’m dying to be alive, or just surviving from one second to the next or hiding in a reality I created to escape the one I couldn’t face. He’s who pulled me back from the precipice of no return, just like he once promised me he would always do, whether either of us knew it or not. I survived all this because of him in one way or another. I’m fucking happy that I know, that I really truly know that I’m going to spend the rest of our lives living with him.

“What?” he asks, wiping tears away from me cheeks.

“I’m happy,” I say quietly, and then a little louder, “I’m happy, Brian.”

His eyes flutter and when he focuses them on mine I see moisture building up in them. “Me too.”

“Come on, we’ve still got to frost the cake,” Gus announces.

“They’re so in love,” Jenny says in a deep sigh, standing to follow Gus.

“Never stopped,” I say, kissing Brian again.

“Yup! Time to frost the cake,” Michael says.

From the corner of my eye, I see Ben grab Jenny’s hand. “Come on, stop staring at them.”

“But they’re so hot!” Jenny announces.

Brian and I stop kissing, laughing at that statement. Honestly, I don’t care if it came from a thirteen-year-old girl; it feels good to know someone actually thinks that about Brian and me again.

“They’re your Uncles!” Gus hisses dragging her into the hall. “They’re my dads!”

“Like you don’t think they’re hot!” Jenny’s voice echoes in the hallway.

I get up from the sofa and pull Brian’s hand. “Come on, I have something I want to give you. It’s upstairs.”

“Whatever it is,” Michael says coyly, waggling his eyebrows, “don’t take too long.”

“It’s a present,” I say, seriously.

“Sure it is,” Ben teases.

I roll my eyes and drag Brian with me and up the stairs, hearing Michael laughing as we go. “I really do have a present for you,” I tell Brian, pushing open the door to the room.

“I bet you do.” He drops my hand and turns to lock the door.

Shit. I turn to face him. “No, really, it’s just a present,” I tell him.

He starts toward me and pushes me toward the bed, “No need to play shy with me, little boy.”

“Brian, seriously.” I roll away from him and stand back up. “It’s not that I don’t want you. I do, I do want you, but…” I cup my crotch and smooth my jeans back against my groin. “My dick isn’t cooperating.”

“Are you not feeling okay?” he asks, standing from the bed.

“No, I’m feeling okay. Shit, I loved kissing you downstairs. I still feel the desire I have for you in my blood right now, but just because I’m not pushing you away…”

“It’s okay,” he says. “It’s not like I’m some young stud.”

“Oh no?” I ask. I slide my body against his and kiss along his neck while I grip his hard on through his pants. “You’re hard.”

He pushes my hand away and pecks my cheek. “Which can wait until you’re the same way tonight.”

“Brian, I was lucky to come twice this morning, I might not be able to get it up tonight.” It disgusts me when I think about how unhealthy I must be.

“Well, it’ll be fun trying,” he says confidently.

“Plus,” I say, licking my lips, “it’s not like I can’t suck you off.”

He rolls his eyes and speaks gruffly, “You’ll get hard tonight.”

My dick twitches and I think if he keeps talking to me in this tone of voice, I might get hard now, but now isn’t the time. I have to give him his present and just the thought of it changes my mood completely. “Sit down on the bed,” I tell him, because I think he’s going to need to be seated when he opens the gift.

“I said I could wait until tonight.”

“Well, this can’t wait,” I tell him, walking into our closet. I open the bottom drawer of my dresser, reach under the last pair of jeans and take the box his present is in out. I didn’t have to look inside this earlier to know the real gift still sits wrapped inside an old running tights box. Brian would’ve seen the box and figured that the only thing inside was my running gear, if he ever went searching and I doubt he did. I haven’t been able to fit into any of the pants in this drawer in so long I can’t recall the last time I opened the bottom drawer of my dresser. Most of them were jeans I would only wear when Brian and I would go out to bars because they were so tight on me. Now, the pair I’m wearing is a little baggy, but the belt I’ve got on holds them up.

A few days ago, when I went shopping to buy some work clothes that fit me, I bought Brian his birthday present, a new tie and belt, but I’ll give him those later. They’re meaningless compared to what I found while dressing this morning. This gift is something he was supposed to receive over three years ago and I’m so glad I found it today.

The wrapped package inside the box slides around as I carry it into the bedroom. Brian is sitting on the bed, his long legs kicking back and forth as if he’s a little kid. I grin at his excitement but also feel guilty because I know this isn’t going to be anything he’s expecting. “Here it is,” I say and hand him the box.

“You got me running tights?” he asks. “Justin, I’m doing better but I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to run with you again.”

I brush my hand through his hair and shake my head. “You’ll run with me again,” I assure him. “If you could ride a bike from Toronto to Pittsburgh in the freezing cold while suffering from cancer, you’ll go running again too. But that’s not what’s inside. Open it.”

He pulls the tab of the box off and rolls his eyes at me. “I never thought you’d skimp on wrapping.”

“Your present is wrapped,” I say and sit down beside him.

The lid comes off and immediately the atmosphere around us shifts as we both look at the box inside. He looks at me, tears shining in his eyes and breathes my name, “Justin.”

My heart aches from the way he speaks my name. No one says my name in the same way he does, no one but him ever will. There are thousands of words wrapped up inside my name that he doesn’t or can’t speak and it’s been too long since I’ve heard him say it this way.

“I should’ve given this to you that Christmas, that’s what it was for,” I tell him, my voice cracking. I go on with the explanation, determined not to cry, “She wrapped it for you and she put it in that box. I haven’t touched it or opened it since. I… I want you to know how sorry I am for taking away so much from you, Brian. I should’ve never made you promise me something so horrible. You were her Dada and you should’ve been able to love her and… and miss her however way you wanted to. I never should’ve made you put my needs before yours. I know this won’t make up for me taking what I did from you but I hope that one day you’ll forgive me.”

He nods his head absently, still staring into the box and his shaking hands reach in and grasp the box. He brings the box close to his face and his eyes close and I hear him take a deep breath and then his nostrils flare and I realize that he is smelling the package wrapped with Disney Princess Christmas wrapping paper.

Oh God! Fuck, what have I done to him?

He startles me when he pushes the box toward my face. “It still smells like her hands,” he whimpers.

I take a deep breath and though to me, all I smell is cardboard and tape, I nod my head in agreement because maybe he just knows her smell, remembers what he wants to smell more than I can.

He takes the package back toward him as if it alone is more important than anything that can be inside of it. He starts to pull back the corner of the paper but stops, sucking in a deep shuddering breath.

I place my hand on the base of his spine and rub it, while resting my head against his shoulder. “It’s okay, open it.”

“Did she wrap this all by herself?” he asks, in a throaty whisper.

“Yes, I didn’t help her at all.” I close my eyes and can see her sitting on the floor beside our bed, right before where we are now. All the things she bought or made for our family and friends surrounding her. The roll of princess paper open and on top of it, the gift for Brian, tiny pink scissors in her hands as she waited to watch me up on the bed performing the first step of wrapping my gift for Gus. “She watched me wrap mine and she did it all by herself. She was so proud of herself and she put it in that tights box and hid it in my drawer.”

“Her…her… Justin?”

I open my eyes, look at him, and see tears cascading down his cheeks and dripping off his chin. I reach up and wipe them away but they’re falling so fast it’s a pointless task. “Yeah?”

“These are her fingerprints on… on the tape then?”

I look down at the gift and see the curl of tape hanging off the corner of the paper and see them, see her tiny little fingerprints, all over it. I scan the rest of the paper and everywhere that there’s tape, messy gobs of it, where there was no reason to even put it, there are her fingerprints right underneath the tape. “Yes, yes they’re hers.”

“Then you didn’t take it all away,” he sobs out, turning his face into my chest. He drops the gift to the bed and grabs me, pulling me up against him, his fingers digging into my shoulders. “You didn’t… you didn’t take anything from me. I smelled her again, I did. I thought I would never smell her again, but she’s got your smell just like I thought she did. Every fucking time I smell you, it’s her, it’s our Arella, and you’re still mine.”

“Yes, Brian, and you’re still mine,” I cry, holding him tight. “That’s what I think when I smell you too, it’s one of the reasons I was so scared of being close to you. She was a part of us both. I never could’ve had her without you, Brian. I’m so fucking sorry and I’ve missed you as much as I miss her.”

“I never went anywhere,” he whispers, pulling in deep breaths to stave his sobbing.

I run my fingers through his hair and tilt his head up to look at me. “I know you didn’t, that’s why I’m here now. Do you want to see what she got you?”

He nods, pulling out of my arms, wipes his eyes and takes a series of long deep breaths before grabbing the present. “Is it going to make me cry again?” he asks, a small huff of embarrassed laughter aiding his question.

“Probably,” I admit, squeezing his arm. “But it’s okay.”

He’s careful not to the tear the paper or touch the tape too much as he unwraps the present. He gently places the paper behind us on the bed and then opens the lid of the box. “You had it fixed?”

“Yeah, take it out.”

He takes out the antique pocket watch and hesitates for a moment before opening the case and turning it over to see the engraving that was on the back long before we ever acquired it and then turns it back over. “How did you fix it?”

“I did a lot of research on your family history and found the original maker. He’s of course long gone, but his family is still dedicated to the craft. They agreed to fix it for me, but I didn’t want to risk sending it in the mail so I…”

“You went to Ireland? When?” he asks in shock.

“No, but Valerie did. Remember she had a show there?”

“Yeah, I remember. She visited us here before she left.”

“So that she could take this with her,” I add. “One day you can give it to Gus.”

“I wondered where this went, but I thought it just got lost or tossed in with all the other things you put away.”

“No.” Our home is so bare. I may have put up some pictures, but there are many paintings, photos and other reminders of Arella that are stored in the basement. I don’t know that I’m ready to go through them yet, maybe one day soon.

“Thank you,” he says, kissing my forehead. “If we don’t get back down there soon they’ll eat the cake without us. Shit, I bet my eyes are bloodshot.”

He’s right, they are and I’m sure mine are too. I don’t care if they know we were up here crying but I know Brian. “They might just assume we were up here getting high.”

He stands up and walks over to the dresser, placing the box with the watch on top of it. “You know, that isn’t such a bad idea,” he says, opening the drawer. “I’ve got a joint rolled right here.” Brian pinches the fat doobie between his fingers and grins mischievously. “So?”

“Getting high makes us horny,” I say.

“Well then,” he pauses and places the joint back in the drawer, “that we’ll put to use later.”

With all the promises of ‘later’, I just hope my body cooperates; I don’t want Brian disappointed in me more than he already is.

TBC in Ch 14 pt-3 --->http://rhapsody-series.livejournal.com/11811.html



Free Hit Counter
© ℜΗ