(no subject)
i've put this entry off for quite a while now. i don't know what makes it so hard to transcribe the thoughts in my head. i've had a list that's been building.. a list of what i'd want to address in the entry after my first visit home. after thanksgiving weekend. after going back to school. soon it was after being home for a week too. i filed away every thought that i wanted to share in the back of my mind. but it dragged on..and i don't quite know what i want to say anymore.
that's the problem with me these days. i find moments in time where i don't quite know what i'm doing. i used to live my life with precision. i knew what i was doing. i knew who i was. i knew what defined me as me. what is it now that makes me different from any other person?
recently a friend told me to stop living life with my head in the clouds. nothing's ever going to be perfect she says. you watch too many movies. too many fanciful thoughts in your head. you read too many books [as if that should EVER be true]. but there's a point in your life when imagination is no longer practical. sure, when you're a kid, you're expected to have an amazing imagination. they're known for it. pretend you're the prince fighting off the flaming dragon. or the dragon, fierce and fiery defending its lair and the fair maiden behind him. pretend you're the princess, caught behind the monstrosity in your long flowing dress, screaming your lungs sore but with a natural grace.
do that when you're an "adult" and you're marked psychotic. why is it so taboo to be fanciful once you're "grown?" where is the shame in daydreams? besides getting your hopes up, where is it? is it because imagination is so concretely conjoined with childhood that the association between adulthood and the whimsical should be damned? shouldn't the image of perfection that is etched into our waking dreams be an example of what to aspire to? is it so wrong to expect the best and settle only for that? but then i guess life includes a measure of equilibrium between the mythical and reality. have enough of a child in your life to let it inspire you. but diminish its influence enough to not be disappointed when you don't get what you dream of. let's hope the child in me curtails its protests soon enough so that i do not waste half of my life on daydreams and fantasies.
speaking of expectations in life, i find that my future plans are hard to accept for many people. the most popular ideologies of many current acquaintances seem to include getting out of school as soon as possible so as to work seriously and make money at an earlier age. why? WHY would you do that to yourself? what is the hurry? the earlier you deign to enter the taskforce the...more money you make...than who? people your age? there will always be people who are more experienced than you even if they're older. people don't hire by age...so getting more experience sooner won't help you at all. yes, you want to help out your parents, and even though you're not required to it's an obligation. but it's your life too. they worked hard for your education, so that you may have a better life. why would you waste it on work? that's not what they worked hard for you to do. they didn't work hard, just so you could work hard the moment you get the chance to rest a little after college. another ideology embraces the raising of a family right out of college. WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?! get married? yes i guess. that's possible. but CHILDREN?! why would you condemn yourself to such misery? do that when you've had your fill LIVING!! okay. that's bit harsh. but seriously speaking, the raising of children require all the time and energy you can muster in your young, mid-twenties bones. spend a few of your years after education travelling. you can't possibly learn as much from books as from personal experience. if you're married, travel with your husband/wife. if not, traverse the planet with friends. i'm not asking for living out of a backpack, but do whatever one can to harvest the sweet [if not bitter] fruits of knowledge.
my parents don't expect me to provide for them right after graduate school. and although i would be happy to do so, they forbid it. they came to this country and toiled up the social ladders to bestow me with a life that THEY daydreamed of back in their homeland. i cannot disobey them and shatter that crystallic prism of aspiration. so i will honor their labor by enjoying my life in a way that will make them proud. yes, i might find a job for a few years to save enough for the voyage to hoard the booty of knowledge experienced. but i WILL travel. i WILL learn. i WILL be knowledgable. if i go single and alone, then so be it. if i go with a band around my finger, then so be it. but i'll do it either way. and if i've had enough, then i'll consider children. because once you do have children, YOUR LIFE IS OVER.
it shocks me to think that many regard me as "weird" or "illogical" because of that which i believe. "you're different" they say. "your logic is totally screwed up" they say. well. at least i don't condemn those who dissent from their own beliefs. ignorance is relative. and i can only nod in silence to the disbelief of theirs.
why do people denounce the thoughts of others due only to conflict of ideas? do you think condemnation would change their beliefs? are you afraid that if you were not conforming you'd be forced to acquiesce to conformity? would you take back what you said just because you are afraid of what others will think of you?
i wouldn't. why take back what you believe? are you as insecure as that to change your mind immediately in the face of bias? i'm not saying that one's honor is in sticking to what you initially propose whether or not you have been persuaded otherwise. i'm saying, that if you do not see the logic of those who oppose you, do not satisfy them by taking back what you believe and becoming another one of the flock. i'd never delete a single entry in this journal. i can't take back what i say even if i've changed my mind in time. because at the moment when i wrote whatever entry is in question, that is truly what i believed. time is a great teacher. wisdom is the hard earned product. show it for what it is. don't be sorry for what you say. be proud of your errors and merits, both and the same. the pride that you wear is a badge of your sagacity and it marks the journey of how it came into your possession. your beliefs of the moment should be limned into the very person that you are. it is invariably burned into your being and personality. the way you act, speak and live is a reflection of your opinions and convictions. you are what you think. think what you are. do not change who you are just because someone else thinks you're a little weird.
there is too little to gain and too much to lose from conformity.
i'm fat, you say. at least i can lose weight.
but you, only plastic surgery can help your face.
and even after that, you still have to worry about stupidity.
--e--
i'm on a sentimental journey
into sight and sound
of no return and no looking back or down
a conscientious objector to the
war that's in my mind
leaving in the lurch and i'm taking back what's mine
i'm riding on the night train and
driving stolen cars
testing my nerves out of the boulevard
spontaneous combustion in the
corners of my mind
leaving in the lurch and i'm taking back what's mine
i'm on a mission into a destination unknown
an expedition onto desolation road
where i'm a...
castaway - going at it alone
castaway - now i'm on my own
castaway - going at it alone
castaway - now i'm on my own
lost and found, trouble bound
CASTAWAY
| g r e e n . d a y |
that's the problem with me these days. i find moments in time where i don't quite know what i'm doing. i used to live my life with precision. i knew what i was doing. i knew who i was. i knew what defined me as me. what is it now that makes me different from any other person?
recently a friend told me to stop living life with my head in the clouds. nothing's ever going to be perfect she says. you watch too many movies. too many fanciful thoughts in your head. you read too many books [as if that should EVER be true]. but there's a point in your life when imagination is no longer practical. sure, when you're a kid, you're expected to have an amazing imagination. they're known for it. pretend you're the prince fighting off the flaming dragon. or the dragon, fierce and fiery defending its lair and the fair maiden behind him. pretend you're the princess, caught behind the monstrosity in your long flowing dress, screaming your lungs sore but with a natural grace.
do that when you're an "adult" and you're marked psychotic. why is it so taboo to be fanciful once you're "grown?" where is the shame in daydreams? besides getting your hopes up, where is it? is it because imagination is so concretely conjoined with childhood that the association between adulthood and the whimsical should be damned? shouldn't the image of perfection that is etched into our waking dreams be an example of what to aspire to? is it so wrong to expect the best and settle only for that? but then i guess life includes a measure of equilibrium between the mythical and reality. have enough of a child in your life to let it inspire you. but diminish its influence enough to not be disappointed when you don't get what you dream of. let's hope the child in me curtails its protests soon enough so that i do not waste half of my life on daydreams and fantasies.
speaking of expectations in life, i find that my future plans are hard to accept for many people. the most popular ideologies of many current acquaintances seem to include getting out of school as soon as possible so as to work seriously and make money at an earlier age. why? WHY would you do that to yourself? what is the hurry? the earlier you deign to enter the taskforce the...more money you make...than who? people your age? there will always be people who are more experienced than you even if they're older. people don't hire by age...so getting more experience sooner won't help you at all. yes, you want to help out your parents, and even though you're not required to it's an obligation. but it's your life too. they worked hard for your education, so that you may have a better life. why would you waste it on work? that's not what they worked hard for you to do. they didn't work hard, just so you could work hard the moment you get the chance to rest a little after college. another ideology embraces the raising of a family right out of college. WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?! get married? yes i guess. that's possible. but CHILDREN?! why would you condemn yourself to such misery? do that when you've had your fill LIVING!! okay. that's bit harsh. but seriously speaking, the raising of children require all the time and energy you can muster in your young, mid-twenties bones. spend a few of your years after education travelling. you can't possibly learn as much from books as from personal experience. if you're married, travel with your husband/wife. if not, traverse the planet with friends. i'm not asking for living out of a backpack, but do whatever one can to harvest the sweet [if not bitter] fruits of knowledge.
my parents don't expect me to provide for them right after graduate school. and although i would be happy to do so, they forbid it. they came to this country and toiled up the social ladders to bestow me with a life that THEY daydreamed of back in their homeland. i cannot disobey them and shatter that crystallic prism of aspiration. so i will honor their labor by enjoying my life in a way that will make them proud. yes, i might find a job for a few years to save enough for the voyage to hoard the booty of knowledge experienced. but i WILL travel. i WILL learn. i WILL be knowledgable. if i go single and alone, then so be it. if i go with a band around my finger, then so be it. but i'll do it either way. and if i've had enough, then i'll consider children. because once you do have children, YOUR LIFE IS OVER.
it shocks me to think that many regard me as "weird" or "illogical" because of that which i believe. "you're different" they say. "your logic is totally screwed up" they say. well. at least i don't condemn those who dissent from their own beliefs. ignorance is relative. and i can only nod in silence to the disbelief of theirs.
why do people denounce the thoughts of others due only to conflict of ideas? do you think condemnation would change their beliefs? are you afraid that if you were not conforming you'd be forced to acquiesce to conformity? would you take back what you said just because you are afraid of what others will think of you?
i wouldn't. why take back what you believe? are you as insecure as that to change your mind immediately in the face of bias? i'm not saying that one's honor is in sticking to what you initially propose whether or not you have been persuaded otherwise. i'm saying, that if you do not see the logic of those who oppose you, do not satisfy them by taking back what you believe and becoming another one of the flock. i'd never delete a single entry in this journal. i can't take back what i say even if i've changed my mind in time. because at the moment when i wrote whatever entry is in question, that is truly what i believed. time is a great teacher. wisdom is the hard earned product. show it for what it is. don't be sorry for what you say. be proud of your errors and merits, both and the same. the pride that you wear is a badge of your sagacity and it marks the journey of how it came into your possession. your beliefs of the moment should be limned into the very person that you are. it is invariably burned into your being and personality. the way you act, speak and live is a reflection of your opinions and convictions. you are what you think. think what you are. do not change who you are just because someone else thinks you're a little weird.
there is too little to gain and too much to lose from conformity.
i'm fat, you say. at least i can lose weight.
but you, only plastic surgery can help your face.
and even after that, you still have to worry about stupidity.
--e--
i'm on a sentimental journey
into sight and sound
of no return and no looking back or down
a conscientious objector to the
war that's in my mind
leaving in the lurch and i'm taking back what's mine
i'm riding on the night train and
driving stolen cars
testing my nerves out of the boulevard
spontaneous combustion in the
corners of my mind
leaving in the lurch and i'm taking back what's mine
i'm on a mission into a destination unknown
an expedition onto desolation road
where i'm a...
castaway - going at it alone
castaway - now i'm on my own
castaway - going at it alone
castaway - now i'm on my own
lost and found, trouble bound
CASTAWAY
| g r e e n . d a y |