my soul in turmoil...
what to say... well as ive been forced to take a look inside myself, ive discovered many things about me i truly hate, and i just dont feel thats me. its taken me a long time to love myself and i do, but theres sooo much about me that i dont love anymore... ive changed so drastically ever since i was with aaron, my first ex-boyfriend... he literally raped me of who i was... he took who i used to be away from me...i used to be a very strong, in control person, very independant, very giving and loving... and now im the opposite of those... i know why, me and renee have discussed this today and actually discovered why this has happened...i fear it may be too late for some things though, and that makes my heart break...me and renee are actively taking a stance against this so that i can change and become the person i used to be, to become a better person... i hate the person ive become, and not to make excuses, but heres the truth of the matter... with literature in hand, as given to me by renee... most of my major issues i have now, co-dependency, the need to feel i need to be a taker instead of a giver ( not sexually either perverts), the inconsistencies of being able to finish things, procratiniation (im sure its spelled wrong but you know what i mean) a massive fear of change, the fear of not being in control of a situation, judging myself way too hard, and actually im very very hard on myself, sadly...taking myself and everything to seriously, fear of abadonment, troubles with having any kind of normal relationship, over reacting to things i cant control, constantly seekingapproval and affirmation, i have moments of being super responsible, and being super irresponsible, extremely loyal, even when its not healthy to do so, and being impulsive...all this stems from one episode in my life... i used to chalk it up to my being bi polar, and yeah i still am bi polar but that is something different from all this...i suffer from these things because of my childhood... because of growing up in a house with a nasty and sometimes violent drunk, and a father who was never there to protect me from my mother... it may sound like an excuse or it may sound stupid or very far fetched, but i hold the literature in my hand...i knew i was affected by my mother growing up, the drinking, coming home from school and not knowing wether i was going to get hit or hugged, wether she was going to be cognisant, or wether i was going to have to pick her up out of her own puddle of vomit where she passed out...wether i was going to come home to a cooked meal or wether i was going to have to come home at cook for myself at the age of 7...i was forced to grow up way before my time, i was robbed of my childhood... robbed of everything a child should have, a mother, a father and someone to look after them... i had none of the above... i had myself...i had to have control of things, because if i had control i know that its safe, that i wont get hurt in any way, i am soo needy because its my way of trying to regain something i will never have and thats my childhood, because whenever all the other kids were playing sports after school i was at home trying to survive hell, trying to avoid the fists, the nasty words, the fact that if i couldnt fend for myself i wouldnt survive...i had to be strong, i had to be indepedant... i had no choice... it was either fight or die...i chose to fight, and i survived, and now down the road, it is a shame that i just now have a face to this terror that has haunted me throughout my life...that i found out that i can be a different person, a natrually strong person, and very independant... i dont have nothing to fear anymore... i have hurt many along the path and they will never know the pain it has caused me to know the pain i have caused them... especially the one person whom i love more than anything in the world... i have hurt him the most...and i never meant too...but i cant change that now, i can however change myself... i can get over this hurdle, and i can become a strong indepedant person, who is capable of being "normal" whatever that means...its time i turn around and face my demons.... there can be no more running from them...i have run so long that i never thought i could stop and turn around... but i can, i am strong enough, i can beat this, and i can come out on top... i know that i have messed heaps up by this shit, but, its not to late for me to change so it doesnt go on anymore... so i can become a productive member of life... so maybe if i ever do find or choose to allow myself to fall in love again, then i know that things will be okay...im no longer gonna sit on my ass and let these feelings and thoughts ruin my life...its gonna be hard, dont get me wrong, after living like this for soo many years, it will be hard to change and get right...but i know i can do it...i have so much life left to live, i cant ruin the rest of my life, like ive ruined my life thus far...next year i will be 25 years old, and i have nothing to show for it...that really hurts...i never thought id grow up to be a failure, and thats part of me being hard on myself... growing up i had soo many dreams and hopes and wishes, and no one to validate them or me, they were always shot down... but no more... no one has the power to do that... because its time i take the power back, its time ryan comes home...