Chapter 8
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1926
Characters: Everybody, and then some.
Spoilers: character spoilers for the whole run of the show
Summary: The zombie gang is sentenced to death! (Oh NOES!)
Disclaimer: Not arf. Also, not ours.
CHAPTER EIGHT
"Oh really." Zomzey is pouting now. This was not at all how he had wanted things to happen.
But Zomzey is hardly one to let a sudden attack of zombieitis keep him from his goals. He grins at ZGKR.
"Well, now that we're all on the same relative side, no hard feelings amongst anyone, are there?"
ZGKR stares at him a moment. Then he says, "Carter, Robin, dispatch him."
They look to their king, confused.
"How does one dispatch a zombie?" the Head of Zombie Carter hisses to Zombie Robs, from its location on Zombie Carter's neck.
"Fire worked okay on the snakes," Zombie Allan says helpfully.
Zombie Robs is surprisingly averse to setting fire to Zomzey. End of an era and all that.
"We could do that," he says hesitatingly. "Or, we could..."
"Or we could what, Robin?" Zombie Allan interrupts. "Don't tell me you've gone soft on the sheriff, eh? He deserves it. Just set fire to 'im and be done wif it."
Zombie Robs frowns. "Where would be the fun in that? Whom then could I terrorise?"
Zizzy puts up her hand, with a wink at Zombie Robs. Zombie Maz holds her sword to Zizzy's throat. She does not appreciate evil Zombie wenches winking at her man. Zizzy shushes.
Zomzey speaks up. "Might I suggest a course of action?"
Zombie Robs sighs. "Very well. Go on, then."
Zomzey fiddles with his leather tooth before continuing.
"Careful--" Zombie Much begins, going to point out that all of his teeth are now removable, but silenced by a raised eyebrow from the Sheriff.
"Now. We could go on as we are, our little back and forthing, or-- we could work together."
Zombie Robs eyes him. "Toward what end?"
Zomzey rolls his eyes toward ZGKR and then ZPJ, and finally back to Zombie Robs. "Why, national unity, of course."
(it should be noted that all of this eye movement is rather grotesque and exaggerated in its zombieness)
Throughout this all, ZGKR is listening carefully, info-gathering. Meanwhile, ZPJ is trying desperately to appear as though he doesn't want to set his brother on fire, although that's pretty much all he can think about at the moment.
Zombie Allan chuckles then. "Hold on a minute. You want national unity? What's the catch?"
Zomzey gives him a look as close to respect as he's able to give anyone. "The catch? There's no catch."
As evenly as he says that, nobody's buying it.
Finally, he gives a small huff, although he doesn't appear truly concerned. "Very well. I would serve as Chief Advisor to the Crown."
Zombie Robs bursts out laughing. "Oh, now there's a thought."
Zombie Much isn't so sanguine. "That... that just can't happen! If he had that much power... why, he'd rule the country! He'd rule the world!"
"I hate the Sheriff," Zombie Will mutters darkly.
"We know," Zombie Djaq sighs.
ZGKR finally speaks. "And what would make you think I'd name you advisor?"
Zomzey focuses his attention on Zombie Robs. "Yes, it is a thought, is it not? Just imagine how far this country would go, bowing to my great wisdom!"
Zombie Robs rolls his eyes. Zombie Archer uses his super fast ninja skillz to catch them before they hit the floor, earning a nod from Zombie Robs as he passes them back.
Zomzey has been watching these proceedings with a detached air, placing black ink on his toenails (it's a lot easier now, seeing as he can detach them first).
"Bored now." He turns his attention to ZGKR. "The more important question, oh magnificent king, is why wouldn't you name me advisor? I will stop him from setting you on fire, for one."
He has drawn attention to ZPJ, who is holding a candle to the base of ZGKR's cloak, attempting to set it alight.
He smiles up at ZGKR innocently. "Gisborne convinced me to do it! Gisborne is wicked. Gisborne, you're fired!"
(Apparently, ZPJ's repertoire is rather limited to fire, questioning people's love for him, and firing people.)
Zombie Guy sighs in that put-upon way of his and rolls his eyes, but carefully, so as to keep them in place.
ZGKR looks at ZPJ, looks at Zombie Guy, and then at Zomzey. "Gisborne, you're hereby sentenced to death by fire, tomorrow at noon. Sheriff, for your outstanding service to your king, I hereby name you Chief Advisor to the Crown."
"WHAT?!?" everyone else cries in unison.
ZGKR looks at the rest of them suspiciously. "Actually, the whole lot of you was probably in on it, since you're in league with Gisborne. GUARDS! Take these ruffians away at once, and get a bunch of stakes set up. They all burn in the morning."
As zombie Nottingham guards surround the gang, Zombie Robs stares at ZGKR in bewilderment, his jaw perilously close to falling off, it's hanging open so wide. "But, sire! I served you faithfully, I gave up everything for you and England!"
ZGKR is staring off into the middle distance, absently scratching his butt, and suddenly lets out a loud burp. This startles him, and he jumps, remembering that Zombie Robs has just made a sensible plea to him. He replies, "True. But clearly, you're consorting with the enemy now and must be stopped. Sheriff-- beg pardon; Advisor, can these guards not move any quicker?"
Zomzey, smirking at everyone and everything around him, says, "If they don't want to join in the mass burning, they will."
The guards shuffle a mite quicker, leading the gang away at torchpoint.
Zombie Robs is still gobsmacked. Zombie Maz leans over toward him and whispers, "Really, Robin, I can't believe you're this surprised. After everything else? What on earth would lead you to believe he could be trusted?"
"But... I fought for him..." Zombie Robs mutters in shock, as the gang is shuffled away toward the dungeons.
Meanwhile, back in Sherwood and thereabouts, Zombie LJ and ZQE are SUPPOSED to be delivering food and money to the poor.
As soon as the food drops have been made (it took a while, understandably), ZQE's real goals for their adventure became evident.
For hours now, ZLJ has been shuffling through the forest, away from ZQE who is shuffling slowly after him, arms outstretched. She has several parts of him tucked away in her cloak for safe keeping, grabbed when she had caught up a few times.
"This, I do not like," ZLJ grumbles, and ZQE laughs delightedly.
"Now, now, Big Bear. We're having fun."
Once they finally make it back to camp, they realise the rest of the Zombie gang aren't back yet. ZLJ's spidey senses start tingling, and he decides they will have to go to the castle and investigate.
Hopefully, it will be in the nick of time.
"We go to Nottingham," ZLJ informs ZQE, who has caught up with him whilst he was distracted by his spidey senses and is nibbling on his ear. However, she got so caught up in the nibbling that she didn't notice that it came off, and that ZLJ has moved to the opposite side of the camp in order to work out a plan of infiltration.
She glances up from where she's sitting, only half-surprised to see that he's no longer attached to the ear. "Now, why would we do that? By now, I'm sure that your odious Sheriff has convinced my darling son to support him, so that's the last place we should go."
"Well, of course he's convinced Prince John to support him."
She laughs. "Oh, John's the least of our concerns at the moment. I meant Richard, my darling, well-intentioned, idiot son."
"Why would the king side with the Sheriff?" ZLJ asks.
"He's so trusting," ZQE sighs fondly, gnawing on the ear in earnest now between sentences. "It was always his worst downfall."
ZLJ stares at her. "But that means that Robin and the gang are in trouble. We GO to NOTTINGHAM."
ZQE nods. "Very well. But only if you give me a piggyback ride."
ZLJ rolls his eyes, which she starts to tuck into her cloak pockets, but reluctantly returns when he says, "Unless you want us to fall off a cliff or walk into a tree, I need those."
"Very well, Big Bear," she grins, pinching another bit of his bum as she passes them back.
Meanwhile, back at the castle....(I've always wanted to say that)
Zombie Robs and Co. are about to be strung up to be burnt to a firey Zombie crisp. The others are all protesting, but Zombie Robs will not hear any of it.
"We are being killed, um...cooked, for England, lads."
"Not bein' funny, but I don't much fancy the smell of smoked Zombie."
There is a long, drawn-out silence as everyone considers what is about to happen.
The lads (and lasses) are granted a temporary respite when the logistics of burning such a large group of zombies becomes apparent; no simple platform in the center of the the courtyard is going to be sufficient. Their numbers have grown enough that there isn't room for an audience as well as the pyre.
Zomzey orders that the pyre be set up in the field outside the West Gate (which was never capitalized before, only being referred to as "the gate" if it was referred to at all, but it suddenly has Great Import). It's taking the zombie guards quite awhile to get the boards and kindling moved through Nottingham, since they're all shuffling; that is, until Zombie Archer, in his ever-unhelpful-to-the-outlaws way, points out that they could set up a line and pass the wood down.
The other members of the zombie gang shoot him exasperated looks, but he is only vaguely apologetic. "Hey, maybe the king will let me go now."
Zombie Robs looks like he understands. "And then you'll free us. Good thinking, brother!"
Zombie Archer blinks. "Oh, um. Yes. Right, of course that was the plan."
But neither the plan Zombie Robs has proposed, nor Zombie Archer's initial thoughts of self-preservation, come to pass. ZGKR doesn't even notice that the zombie guards have been helped. Zomzey does, but couldn't care less as long as his orders are being carried out.
Soon, the pyre has been reconstructed in the field, and the zombie gang is being led out in a line, ropes tied round their waists. (They'd tried to bind their wrists behind them, but that got rather messy rather quickly.)
ZLJ and ZQE have arrived at the edge of Sherwood in time to see this.
"Oh, dear," ZQE murmurs. "We'll never get there in time."
ZLJ is trying frantically to come up with a plan, when suddenly, a few things happen all at once:
-A gorgeous, young ginger knocks over a zombie guard, grabbing his sword and swooping toward Zombie Guy, slicing through his ropes.
-A swarm of zombie squirrels and birds, led by none other than ZS Gen. Al, come shuffle-scampering/shuffle-flying (that one's tricky; but as with many things in our show, just don't question it too closely) out of the city gates.
-A net-bundled pile of shrieking zombie parts lands in the middle of the crowd that has gathered to watch the proceedings. (It appears to have been launched with some Mystical Eastern Flinging Device That is Not a Trebuchet (as we've already had a trebuchet), otherwise known as a MEFDTNT, which is located on a pirate ship in port at Hull.) (Shut UP Hull is TOO close enough to fire something into Nottingham, I asked the writers and they said so.)
Amongst the ensuing chaos, ZLJ and ZQE move in...
Word count: 1926
Characters: Everybody, and then some.
Spoilers: character spoilers for the whole run of the show
Summary: The zombie gang is sentenced to death! (Oh NOES!)
Disclaimer: Not arf. Also, not ours.
CHAPTER EIGHT
"Oh really." Zomzey is pouting now. This was not at all how he had wanted things to happen.
But Zomzey is hardly one to let a sudden attack of zombieitis keep him from his goals. He grins at ZGKR.
"Well, now that we're all on the same relative side, no hard feelings amongst anyone, are there?"
ZGKR stares at him a moment. Then he says, "Carter, Robin, dispatch him."
They look to their king, confused.
"How does one dispatch a zombie?" the Head of Zombie Carter hisses to Zombie Robs, from its location on Zombie Carter's neck.
"Fire worked okay on the snakes," Zombie Allan says helpfully.
Zombie Robs is surprisingly averse to setting fire to Zomzey. End of an era and all that.
"We could do that," he says hesitatingly. "Or, we could..."
"Or we could what, Robin?" Zombie Allan interrupts. "Don't tell me you've gone soft on the sheriff, eh? He deserves it. Just set fire to 'im and be done wif it."
Zombie Robs frowns. "Where would be the fun in that? Whom then could I terrorise?"
Zizzy puts up her hand, with a wink at Zombie Robs. Zombie Maz holds her sword to Zizzy's throat. She does not appreciate evil Zombie wenches winking at her man. Zizzy shushes.
Zomzey speaks up. "Might I suggest a course of action?"
Zombie Robs sighs. "Very well. Go on, then."
Zomzey fiddles with his leather tooth before continuing.
"Careful--" Zombie Much begins, going to point out that all of his teeth are now removable, but silenced by a raised eyebrow from the Sheriff.
"Now. We could go on as we are, our little back and forthing, or-- we could work together."
Zombie Robs eyes him. "Toward what end?"
Zomzey rolls his eyes toward ZGKR and then ZPJ, and finally back to Zombie Robs. "Why, national unity, of course."
(it should be noted that all of this eye movement is rather grotesque and exaggerated in its zombieness)
Throughout this all, ZGKR is listening carefully, info-gathering. Meanwhile, ZPJ is trying desperately to appear as though he doesn't want to set his brother on fire, although that's pretty much all he can think about at the moment.
Zombie Allan chuckles then. "Hold on a minute. You want national unity? What's the catch?"
Zomzey gives him a look as close to respect as he's able to give anyone. "The catch? There's no catch."
As evenly as he says that, nobody's buying it.
Finally, he gives a small huff, although he doesn't appear truly concerned. "Very well. I would serve as Chief Advisor to the Crown."
Zombie Robs bursts out laughing. "Oh, now there's a thought."
Zombie Much isn't so sanguine. "That... that just can't happen! If he had that much power... why, he'd rule the country! He'd rule the world!"
"I hate the Sheriff," Zombie Will mutters darkly.
"We know," Zombie Djaq sighs.
ZGKR finally speaks. "And what would make you think I'd name you advisor?"
Zomzey focuses his attention on Zombie Robs. "Yes, it is a thought, is it not? Just imagine how far this country would go, bowing to my great wisdom!"
Zombie Robs rolls his eyes. Zombie Archer uses his super fast ninja skillz to catch them before they hit the floor, earning a nod from Zombie Robs as he passes them back.
Zomzey has been watching these proceedings with a detached air, placing black ink on his toenails (it's a lot easier now, seeing as he can detach them first).
"Bored now." He turns his attention to ZGKR. "The more important question, oh magnificent king, is why wouldn't you name me advisor? I will stop him from setting you on fire, for one."
He has drawn attention to ZPJ, who is holding a candle to the base of ZGKR's cloak, attempting to set it alight.
He smiles up at ZGKR innocently. "Gisborne convinced me to do it! Gisborne is wicked. Gisborne, you're fired!"
(Apparently, ZPJ's repertoire is rather limited to fire, questioning people's love for him, and firing people.)
Zombie Guy sighs in that put-upon way of his and rolls his eyes, but carefully, so as to keep them in place.
ZGKR looks at ZPJ, looks at Zombie Guy, and then at Zomzey. "Gisborne, you're hereby sentenced to death by fire, tomorrow at noon. Sheriff, for your outstanding service to your king, I hereby name you Chief Advisor to the Crown."
"WHAT?!?" everyone else cries in unison.
ZGKR looks at the rest of them suspiciously. "Actually, the whole lot of you was probably in on it, since you're in league with Gisborne. GUARDS! Take these ruffians away at once, and get a bunch of stakes set up. They all burn in the morning."
As zombie Nottingham guards surround the gang, Zombie Robs stares at ZGKR in bewilderment, his jaw perilously close to falling off, it's hanging open so wide. "But, sire! I served you faithfully, I gave up everything for you and England!"
ZGKR is staring off into the middle distance, absently scratching his butt, and suddenly lets out a loud burp. This startles him, and he jumps, remembering that Zombie Robs has just made a sensible plea to him. He replies, "True. But clearly, you're consorting with the enemy now and must be stopped. Sheriff-- beg pardon; Advisor, can these guards not move any quicker?"
Zomzey, smirking at everyone and everything around him, says, "If they don't want to join in the mass burning, they will."
The guards shuffle a mite quicker, leading the gang away at torchpoint.
Zombie Robs is still gobsmacked. Zombie Maz leans over toward him and whispers, "Really, Robin, I can't believe you're this surprised. After everything else? What on earth would lead you to believe he could be trusted?"
"But... I fought for him..." Zombie Robs mutters in shock, as the gang is shuffled away toward the dungeons.
Meanwhile, back in Sherwood and thereabouts, Zombie LJ and ZQE are SUPPOSED to be delivering food and money to the poor.
As soon as the food drops have been made (it took a while, understandably), ZQE's real goals for their adventure became evident.
For hours now, ZLJ has been shuffling through the forest, away from ZQE who is shuffling slowly after him, arms outstretched. She has several parts of him tucked away in her cloak for safe keeping, grabbed when she had caught up a few times.
"This, I do not like," ZLJ grumbles, and ZQE laughs delightedly.
"Now, now, Big Bear. We're having fun."
Once they finally make it back to camp, they realise the rest of the Zombie gang aren't back yet. ZLJ's spidey senses start tingling, and he decides they will have to go to the castle and investigate.
Hopefully, it will be in the nick of time.
"We go to Nottingham," ZLJ informs ZQE, who has caught up with him whilst he was distracted by his spidey senses and is nibbling on his ear. However, she got so caught up in the nibbling that she didn't notice that it came off, and that ZLJ has moved to the opposite side of the camp in order to work out a plan of infiltration.
She glances up from where she's sitting, only half-surprised to see that he's no longer attached to the ear. "Now, why would we do that? By now, I'm sure that your odious Sheriff has convinced my darling son to support him, so that's the last place we should go."
"Well, of course he's convinced Prince John to support him."
She laughs. "Oh, John's the least of our concerns at the moment. I meant Richard, my darling, well-intentioned, idiot son."
"Why would the king side with the Sheriff?" ZLJ asks.
"He's so trusting," ZQE sighs fondly, gnawing on the ear in earnest now between sentences. "It was always his worst downfall."
ZLJ stares at her. "But that means that Robin and the gang are in trouble. We GO to NOTTINGHAM."
ZQE nods. "Very well. But only if you give me a piggyback ride."
ZLJ rolls his eyes, which she starts to tuck into her cloak pockets, but reluctantly returns when he says, "Unless you want us to fall off a cliff or walk into a tree, I need those."
"Very well, Big Bear," she grins, pinching another bit of his bum as she passes them back.
Meanwhile, back at the castle....(I've always wanted to say that)
Zombie Robs and Co. are about to be strung up to be burnt to a firey Zombie crisp. The others are all protesting, but Zombie Robs will not hear any of it.
"We are being killed, um...cooked, for England, lads."
"Not bein' funny, but I don't much fancy the smell of smoked Zombie."
There is a long, drawn-out silence as everyone considers what is about to happen.
The lads (and lasses) are granted a temporary respite when the logistics of burning such a large group of zombies becomes apparent; no simple platform in the center of the the courtyard is going to be sufficient. Their numbers have grown enough that there isn't room for an audience as well as the pyre.
Zomzey orders that the pyre be set up in the field outside the West Gate (which was never capitalized before, only being referred to as "the gate" if it was referred to at all, but it suddenly has Great Import). It's taking the zombie guards quite awhile to get the boards and kindling moved through Nottingham, since they're all shuffling; that is, until Zombie Archer, in his ever-unhelpful-to-the-outlaws way, points out that they could set up a line and pass the wood down.
The other members of the zombie gang shoot him exasperated looks, but he is only vaguely apologetic. "Hey, maybe the king will let me go now."
Zombie Robs looks like he understands. "And then you'll free us. Good thinking, brother!"
Zombie Archer blinks. "Oh, um. Yes. Right, of course that was the plan."
But neither the plan Zombie Robs has proposed, nor Zombie Archer's initial thoughts of self-preservation, come to pass. ZGKR doesn't even notice that the zombie guards have been helped. Zomzey does, but couldn't care less as long as his orders are being carried out.
Soon, the pyre has been reconstructed in the field, and the zombie gang is being led out in a line, ropes tied round their waists. (They'd tried to bind their wrists behind them, but that got rather messy rather quickly.)
ZLJ and ZQE have arrived at the edge of Sherwood in time to see this.
"Oh, dear," ZQE murmurs. "We'll never get there in time."
ZLJ is trying frantically to come up with a plan, when suddenly, a few things happen all at once:
-A gorgeous, young ginger knocks over a zombie guard, grabbing his sword and swooping toward Zombie Guy, slicing through his ropes.
-A swarm of zombie squirrels and birds, led by none other than ZS Gen. Al, come shuffle-scampering/shuffle-flying (that one's tricky; but as with many things in our show, just don't question it too closely) out of the city gates.
-A net-bundled pile of shrieking zombie parts lands in the middle of the crowd that has gathered to watch the proceedings. (It appears to have been launched with some Mystical Eastern Flinging Device That is Not a Trebuchet (as we've already had a trebuchet), otherwise known as a MEFDTNT, which is located on a pirate ship in port at Hull.) (Shut UP Hull is TOO close enough to fire something into Nottingham, I asked the writers and they said so.)
Amongst the ensuing chaos, ZLJ and ZQE move in...