Sleep is not the answer...
I've been rather depressed lately for not good reason at all, though I strongly suspect it has to do with anxiety over the impending need to grow up after I get out of school and the loneliness that seems more tangible of late. There's no good reason for it, but I seem to be incapable of getting outside my comfort zone lately. The part that is the very most frustrating is that I know I have more fun outside it, my field courses in Philly and at Pymatuning made that very clear this summer and yet I can't seem to force myself to go out. I hate the monotony of my job and the fact that I could be free of it quite soon just makes it all the more unbearable. I desperately want to get active and lose some weight so I don't end up being made fun of in school as a teacher the same way I was as a student but I can't push myself to do anything when life seems this vacant. I know some of all this stems from not having taken my drugs in a while, and some of it is not going to church, but it just feels like a weight crushing down on me.
I keep thinking I'll break out of this and do something, start working on a project or go to an SCA thing or go to the gym or start writing... I fall to sleep with such powerful plans for tomorrow but then tomorrow comes and I just don't want to get up.
I also feel like I've outgrown all the things I used to love... I don't want to play video games the way I used to, I don't want to talk to my 'friends' online, I don't even want to be online very much... Everything I used to enjoy seems so juvenile and wasteful that I can't bear to indulge. The online friends that still talk to me seem juvenile... everything just seems so not right anymore.
And on that note I am going to go MAKE myself write... because I feel as thought one of my old stories is evolving into something different and powerful within the walls of my head. I don't dare talk about it with anyone cause any time I try they feign interest for thirty seconds or so before trying to pull me back into their world and making it ridiculously apparent that to them I exist only to listen to their complaints and try to comfort them, never to actually have something to say or need someone to listen to me...
I keep thinking I'll break out of this and do something, start working on a project or go to an SCA thing or go to the gym or start writing... I fall to sleep with such powerful plans for tomorrow but then tomorrow comes and I just don't want to get up.
I also feel like I've outgrown all the things I used to love... I don't want to play video games the way I used to, I don't want to talk to my 'friends' online, I don't even want to be online very much... Everything I used to enjoy seems so juvenile and wasteful that I can't bear to indulge. The online friends that still talk to me seem juvenile... everything just seems so not right anymore.
And on that note I am going to go MAKE myself write... because I feel as thought one of my old stories is evolving into something different and powerful within the walls of my head. I don't dare talk about it with anyone cause any time I try they feign interest for thirty seconds or so before trying to pull me back into their world and making it ridiculously apparent that to them I exist only to listen to their complaints and try to comfort them, never to actually have something to say or need someone to listen to me...