bokunosubete
in
rgpf
Of Hope and Despair
Title : as stated above, "Of Hope and Despair"
Author : bokunosubete
Pairing : Please refer to my icon.
OST : F.T Island - You Don't Know My Feeling.
Author's Note : unbeta-ed. More like self beta-ed.Started as drabbles.But since it's somehow interlinked to one another, adjusted them to be a one-shot. Very angsty i have to say. Death fic ahead.Don't tell me i didn't warn you. Sort of AU actually.
Summary : He had to leave.But could he really leave?
I feel at lost. I wonder why this had to happen. Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't it be someone else who had no one to love or to be loved?
Jun was walking down the street. It was a windy day. The sky looked gloomy and sad. He wasn't going anywhere for shelter when the rain came pouring down. It calmed him.
I'm going to miss you. But I know it's for the best. Someone else deserves you better than I am.
When he remembered saying those words to him, his heart shattered. He couldn't let him know his sufferings. He only wanted him to have someone better. Someone who wouldn't ever leave his side.
"How long do I have?"
"I'm sorry Matsumoto-san. It's going to be 3 months more." And Jun cried.
Sometimes the best thing that ever happened to us may not be the best for us. If only it didn't start, you wouldn't have to be hurt. You wouldn't have to suffer.
He remembered the first day they met.
He remembered the first time he saw him dancing.
He was beautiful. He was beyond beautiful. Smooth, gracious and professional. He was all one could wish for a perfect dancer.
"I love you Satoshi."
"I love you too."
He thought they were going to be happy forever. He thought nothing could come between them. But he was wrong. Death will come between them. And there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Sometimes he wished he didn't take the first move.
Hatred was something I'm most afraid off. But now it's the only thing I can live in with. If you hated me now, you wouldn't have to break later. You'll grow stronger from my betrayal. And I'll be forgotten, erased. And you'd move on. It is the only way. I need to be hated.
"I'm so proud of you Satoshi!" And he beamed with happiness. Who knew it was to be the last performance he would ever do in front of the other person.
2 weeks after, he left Ohno's side. Ohno hated him. They promised to be together forever, for eternity but he left him claiming someone else deserves him more than he does. He was angry and he hated him. But not for long.
'I'm sorry. I really am sorry about this. He didn't want you to know. It was me who couldn't take his loneliness. He needed strength to survive his last days.'
Doctor Ninomiya's words almost killed him. Jun made himself being hated by someone he honestly had loved. Jun made himself hated so not to make the other person suffer. He made himself hated because he had loved too deeply.
"Jun..."
"Go away. I don't want to see your face again."
He didn't care no matter what Jun said. He was going to be there for Jun. A fight alone is worse than a fight with two.
"We'll win. I promise."
"I love you Satoshi."
They could see through tears, of how much they loved each other.
You are my strength. You are everything I need from a friend, a family, a lover. You're the best thing that could ever happen to me. And now I believe, the best thing that had happened to me was not being someone you love, but being someone who loves you.
It was the fourth time of the day he threw up his food. He almost gave up being on his knees worshipping the toilet bowl. He cried the entire day, his body seems like he couldn't take it anymore. No matter what they had him take, his body simply refused to cooperate. It was harder than anyone thought it was.
"Jun… Have some of these."
"No… Please don't make me eat anymore. I can't take throwing up anymore."
He was glad Ohno gave up his tries on giving him any more of those jelly or bread.
Night came and he felt cold. He was already wearing 3 layers of clothes and yet he couldn't feel the warmth. It was raining outside and it only made everything seems worst. And he shivered.
"Satoshi…"
It was all he needed to say before Ohno climbed into his bed, holding his fragile thin body tight. He was glad he had Ohno. He had someone to warm him up, someone he could lean on, someone he count on whenever he needed a never ending love.
'If only I don't have to leave him…'
Hope can sometimes be misleading. You put your stakes, hope for the best and strive hard towards it. But it doesn't mean you'll get what you had wished for. I never hoped. I was afraid of being broken when my dream shatters. But this time, I braved myself and hoped I could see another day, hoped I could see you again, hoped to live. And it was one time that my dream was shattered cruelly.
The 2 months together, he honestly thought they could fight it off. He seriously thought he was strong enough for both of them. He never thought of the worst. He thought they'd live happily the way they had for the past 3 years.
He had believed in his thoughts until that very morning. The morning after a rainy night of which he had hold so tightly to Jun when he called his name. His body was cold. Ohno thought it was just the rain. Or the air conditioner. But it was not.
"Doctor!"
And now he was standing alone by the grave. The sun was shining too brightly as if it was happy day. And he hated that very day. The day he left him for good, was the worst day one could ever live through.
"I'll miss you. I'll never stop loving you. I promise."
And he could almost feel Jun's warmth embracing him. It was painful.
I could see you. I thought I wanted for you to move on, meet another person. But I was being unfair. I had placed my hope again. I hoped you'll keep your promises. I hoped you'll never forget me, to never stop loving me. It was unfair, but I couldn't help myself.
It was one of those nights he loved the most. Performing what he was best at. He could grow tired of it one day he knew, but not right then. As he spun his body with his heels following fluidly, he knew he'll probably will never able to stop.
"Great job Ohno-san! We'll be looking forward to more of your performances."
He smiled thinking how it was worth those sleepless nights of practicing, perfecting his movements. If only he was there to watch him.
I miss you.
He walked home alone as he had done for the past 2 years since the other was gone. The soft wind was embracing him. He smiled at the thought of how it reminded at the way Jun had always softly caressed his cheeks. Feathery, just the way the wind felt. He arrived at a sloppy apartment he didn't bother to move out from. It was where he started, it was where they started, it was also where it had all ended.
"Jun,tadaima."
Even if he was up in heaven, Ohno knew Jun was watching after him.
And this is exactly why I love you. You never break your promises, you never tatters my hope or shatter my dreams. Even if it takes forever, I'll be here watching over you, I'll be here waiting for you. And maybe one day, we can be together again.
I feel a lot better now that i'm done angstying up.Should write some fluff next time. :D
Author : bokunosubete
Pairing : Please refer to my icon.
OST : F.T Island - You Don't Know My Feeling.
Author's Note : unbeta-ed. More like self beta-ed.Started as drabbles.But since it's somehow interlinked to one another, adjusted them to be a one-shot. Very angsty i have to say. Death fic ahead.Don't tell me i didn't warn you. Sort of AU actually.
Summary : He had to leave.But could he really leave?
I feel at lost. I wonder why this had to happen. Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't it be someone else who had no one to love or to be loved?
Jun was walking down the street. It was a windy day. The sky looked gloomy and sad. He wasn't going anywhere for shelter when the rain came pouring down. It calmed him.
I'm going to miss you. But I know it's for the best. Someone else deserves you better than I am.
When he remembered saying those words to him, his heart shattered. He couldn't let him know his sufferings. He only wanted him to have someone better. Someone who wouldn't ever leave his side.
"How long do I have?"
"I'm sorry Matsumoto-san. It's going to be 3 months more." And Jun cried.
Sometimes the best thing that ever happened to us may not be the best for us. If only it didn't start, you wouldn't have to be hurt. You wouldn't have to suffer.
He remembered the first day they met.
He remembered the first time he saw him dancing.
He was beautiful. He was beyond beautiful. Smooth, gracious and professional. He was all one could wish for a perfect dancer.
"I love you Satoshi."
"I love you too."
He thought they were going to be happy forever. He thought nothing could come between them. But he was wrong. Death will come between them. And there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Sometimes he wished he didn't take the first move.
Hatred was something I'm most afraid off. But now it's the only thing I can live in with. If you hated me now, you wouldn't have to break later. You'll grow stronger from my betrayal. And I'll be forgotten, erased. And you'd move on. It is the only way. I need to be hated.
"I'm so proud of you Satoshi!" And he beamed with happiness. Who knew it was to be the last performance he would ever do in front of the other person.
2 weeks after, he left Ohno's side. Ohno hated him. They promised to be together forever, for eternity but he left him claiming someone else deserves him more than he does. He was angry and he hated him. But not for long.
'I'm sorry. I really am sorry about this. He didn't want you to know. It was me who couldn't take his loneliness. He needed strength to survive his last days.'
Doctor Ninomiya's words almost killed him. Jun made himself being hated by someone he honestly had loved. Jun made himself hated so not to make the other person suffer. He made himself hated because he had loved too deeply.
"Jun..."
"Go away. I don't want to see your face again."
He didn't care no matter what Jun said. He was going to be there for Jun. A fight alone is worse than a fight with two.
"We'll win. I promise."
"I love you Satoshi."
They could see through tears, of how much they loved each other.
You are my strength. You are everything I need from a friend, a family, a lover. You're the best thing that could ever happen to me. And now I believe, the best thing that had happened to me was not being someone you love, but being someone who loves you.
It was the fourth time of the day he threw up his food. He almost gave up being on his knees worshipping the toilet bowl. He cried the entire day, his body seems like he couldn't take it anymore. No matter what they had him take, his body simply refused to cooperate. It was harder than anyone thought it was.
"Jun… Have some of these."
"No… Please don't make me eat anymore. I can't take throwing up anymore."
He was glad Ohno gave up his tries on giving him any more of those jelly or bread.
Night came and he felt cold. He was already wearing 3 layers of clothes and yet he couldn't feel the warmth. It was raining outside and it only made everything seems worst. And he shivered.
"Satoshi…"
It was all he needed to say before Ohno climbed into his bed, holding his fragile thin body tight. He was glad he had Ohno. He had someone to warm him up, someone he could lean on, someone he count on whenever he needed a never ending love.
'If only I don't have to leave him…'
Hope can sometimes be misleading. You put your stakes, hope for the best and strive hard towards it. But it doesn't mean you'll get what you had wished for. I never hoped. I was afraid of being broken when my dream shatters. But this time, I braved myself and hoped I could see another day, hoped I could see you again, hoped to live. And it was one time that my dream was shattered cruelly.
The 2 months together, he honestly thought they could fight it off. He seriously thought he was strong enough for both of them. He never thought of the worst. He thought they'd live happily the way they had for the past 3 years.
He had believed in his thoughts until that very morning. The morning after a rainy night of which he had hold so tightly to Jun when he called his name. His body was cold. Ohno thought it was just the rain. Or the air conditioner. But it was not.
"Doctor!"
And now he was standing alone by the grave. The sun was shining too brightly as if it was happy day. And he hated that very day. The day he left him for good, was the worst day one could ever live through.
"I'll miss you. I'll never stop loving you. I promise."
And he could almost feel Jun's warmth embracing him. It was painful.
I could see you. I thought I wanted for you to move on, meet another person. But I was being unfair. I had placed my hope again. I hoped you'll keep your promises. I hoped you'll never forget me, to never stop loving me. It was unfair, but I couldn't help myself.
It was one of those nights he loved the most. Performing what he was best at. He could grow tired of it one day he knew, but not right then. As he spun his body with his heels following fluidly, he knew he'll probably will never able to stop.
"Great job Ohno-san! We'll be looking forward to more of your performances."
He smiled thinking how it was worth those sleepless nights of practicing, perfecting his movements. If only he was there to watch him.
I miss you.
He walked home alone as he had done for the past 2 years since the other was gone. The soft wind was embracing him. He smiled at the thought of how it reminded at the way Jun had always softly caressed his cheeks. Feathery, just the way the wind felt. He arrived at a sloppy apartment he didn't bother to move out from. It was where he started, it was where they started, it was also where it had all ended.
"Jun,tadaima."
Even if he was up in heaven, Ohno knew Jun was watching after him.
And this is exactly why I love you. You never break your promises, you never tatters my hope or shatter my dreams. Even if it takes forever, I'll be here watching over you, I'll be here waiting for you. And maybe one day, we can be together again.
I feel a lot better now that i'm done angstying up.Should write some fluff next time. :D