What to do, what to do
First off, I'm back, bitchaz! Things have happened in my life, oh how they have happened. Things to think about. Things I've thought about, and things I'm still thinking about.
I feel like this is my "complain about my love life" blog. Which is part of why I took time off... Because there were things I wanted to complain about, but didn't feel right doing so. Now, those factors aren't in play, and I can complain all I want, dammit.
When you date somebody, how do you know whether to continue dating them? I mean, at some point, if you've dated them for a long time, there is some implied commitment there. Theoretically, there is an actual commitment there too. But how long does that take to develop, the implied or the actual? Surely one date doesn't seem like long enough. You can certainly, after the first date, decide: "nope, I don't actually like you that much". And you could do it after the second. But the third? The fourth? Each step you take, presumably you become more sure about it. But the farther you go, the harder it is to decide in the negative.
Oddly enough, any time I feel like I have some choice in the matter and I proceed, I feel locked in. It's only when it's the only thing I can do that I feel free. It's paradoxical, sure, but it makes a certain amount of sense if you think about it. If you are in the only place you possibly can be, you don't think about going elsewhere. The concept of going elsewhere no longer makes sense. But if you feel like, except for that one factor, that one chain binding you down, you could be free, then that's limiting. It's like if you build something, and it's solidly put together, there's no gaps, and it's harder to take apart. But if you don't nail something in all the way, it wiggles around, and eventually breaks.
I'm at a stage of my life where I'm wondering... what's the point (was it inspired by Steve, or does Jeph just seem to know my life)? Why do we seek out affection? What does it mean to me? I'll grant that there is a very primal level where it's just fun. Kissing people, as a general rule, is fun. Going beyond that is fun too... more than fun. This is the way our bodies are wired. Romance, whatever else it may be, is validating. This person cares about me, because I am good person. But then that seems kind of shallow. If the only reason I'm there is to feel better about myself, then that's not really a sign I'm a good person. I guess the only answer is that you're in the relationship because nothing else is possible.
This, of course, leaves the question of how do you get to that point, where you no longer have a choice. I dunno. I've gotten there by being an asshat to someone. I'm not proud of it, and I didn't mean to, but it worked. It worked better than anything else I've done, now that I think of it. But ultimately, my own asshattery came crashing down on me. And I've gotten there through naïveté... Basically, I was young, and didn't know any better. And now that I'm older, well, I'm not sure that I do know any better, at least in that case.
I sometimes wonder if the environment here is such that I can't really ever get to the point of having no other choice. The world at Princeton is bigger than it ever has been, and for all I know, than it ever will be. In high school, there were dozens of people I knew and interacted with; the same for Egypt. Here, though. Here there are hundreds. Those numbers are deliberately smaller than the whole population. Yes, in high school there were hundreds of people with whom I could have interacted. But the number of people I actually did was more like dozens. If you believe the facebook, the number of "friends" I have here is just shy of 300. For very few of those people do I do much more than casually acknowledge when I see them, and a for a similar few, I don't even go that far. But the point remains that the number of people I deal with at all is much, much greater. And maybe that dilution of interaction is why I can't find myself locked in.
I feel like this is my "complain about my love life" blog. Which is part of why I took time off... Because there were things I wanted to complain about, but didn't feel right doing so. Now, those factors aren't in play, and I can complain all I want, dammit.
When you date somebody, how do you know whether to continue dating them? I mean, at some point, if you've dated them for a long time, there is some implied commitment there. Theoretically, there is an actual commitment there too. But how long does that take to develop, the implied or the actual? Surely one date doesn't seem like long enough. You can certainly, after the first date, decide: "nope, I don't actually like you that much". And you could do it after the second. But the third? The fourth? Each step you take, presumably you become more sure about it. But the farther you go, the harder it is to decide in the negative.
Oddly enough, any time I feel like I have some choice in the matter and I proceed, I feel locked in. It's only when it's the only thing I can do that I feel free. It's paradoxical, sure, but it makes a certain amount of sense if you think about it. If you are in the only place you possibly can be, you don't think about going elsewhere. The concept of going elsewhere no longer makes sense. But if you feel like, except for that one factor, that one chain binding you down, you could be free, then that's limiting. It's like if you build something, and it's solidly put together, there's no gaps, and it's harder to take apart. But if you don't nail something in all the way, it wiggles around, and eventually breaks.
I'm at a stage of my life where I'm wondering... what's the point (was it inspired by Steve, or does Jeph just seem to know my life)? Why do we seek out affection? What does it mean to me? I'll grant that there is a very primal level where it's just fun. Kissing people, as a general rule, is fun. Going beyond that is fun too... more than fun. This is the way our bodies are wired. Romance, whatever else it may be, is validating. This person cares about me, because I am good person. But then that seems kind of shallow. If the only reason I'm there is to feel better about myself, then that's not really a sign I'm a good person. I guess the only answer is that you're in the relationship because nothing else is possible.
This, of course, leaves the question of how do you get to that point, where you no longer have a choice. I dunno. I've gotten there by being an asshat to someone. I'm not proud of it, and I didn't mean to, but it worked. It worked better than anything else I've done, now that I think of it. But ultimately, my own asshattery came crashing down on me. And I've gotten there through naïveté... Basically, I was young, and didn't know any better. And now that I'm older, well, I'm not sure that I do know any better, at least in that case.
I sometimes wonder if the environment here is such that I can't really ever get to the point of having no other choice. The world at Princeton is bigger than it ever has been, and for all I know, than it ever will be. In high school, there were dozens of people I knew and interacted with; the same for Egypt. Here, though. Here there are hundreds. Those numbers are deliberately smaller than the whole population. Yes, in high school there were hundreds of people with whom I could have interacted. But the number of people I actually did was more like dozens. If you believe the facebook, the number of "friends" I have here is just shy of 300. For very few of those people do I do much more than casually acknowledge when I see them, and a for a similar few, I don't even go that far. But the point remains that the number of people I deal with at all is much, much greater. And maybe that dilution of interaction is why I can't find myself locked in.