We All Owe Time
God damnit, I always come here when I'm on such a low...
There's a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head today. None of which are very bright or cheery. I keep thinking about death. Well not really death itself but more like that state which is between life and death. That feeling one gets when they have accepted death as a reality and are at peace with it. And then I think of people who I care about, and who are close to me, and then the lyrics to this song come to mind. Honestly it's driving me crazy. These lyrics really get to me, especially near the end where the singer says "Please don't cry for me. Please don't be sad. I'll be all right, Jus' my turn, you know. Please don't be mad. It's part of life" and "we all owe time". Ha, come to think of it this song may be responsible for my blue mood entirely. It's such a beautiful song though, I can't seem to tear myself away from it. It haunts me, and one of my biggest insecurities is losing those I love, or not being able to do anything for them. I have such a huge fear of loss...sometimes I wish I had nothing at all, that way I'd have nothing to lose in return. But honestly, I think the song just came along at an appropriate time because I had been in a melancholy mood since Saturday. It's hard for me to explain. Sometimes I just bring myself down, and sometimes that "down" gets pretty damn low. For example today I tried to get my mind off of these gloomy thoughts...but ended up losing focus on whatever I was doing to distract myself! I was only content doing one of two things today. 1. Sleeping 2. Staring at the wall listening to music.
I really cannot explain why this happens...but I think it has something to do with my being discontent with my life at the moment. Sometimes I feel so incredibly alienated, and I'm not sure if that has to do with where I live, or if it's because of me personally. Perhaps it's a combination of both (probably is) but I know one thing for sure, today I miss the HELL out of my friends. I would talk to people on the internet and stuff, but it just isn't as good as being there in person. I'm really sick and tired of typing shit to people. I want to see them face to face, but that is impossible. We're all scattered all over the place, and to be honest some friends don't even deserve my attention. Does not matter though, because regardless of how little they deserve, I still miss them. That's just the problem with people, you get to talking to someone, no matter how short a conversation, and later you'll miss them. I end up missing everybody in the end at some point. But anyway this alienated feeling, I compare it often to being dead. I do not know why exactly, it is nothing like being dead realistically speaking, but sometimes I feel like I am. Like I'm this ghost that contains these memories of people I once knew, but cannot contact anymore. Or it is as if I'm floating in a sea, staring into the huge dark abyss at the bottom, floating quietly away. I think maybe that is why I am so into these songs about that midway between life and death. I feel like I am there, right now. Or as Kierkegaard would say, I have the despair, that of which is the sickness unto death. But anyhows, then I remember people in my life who REALLY have been there...who are gone now. And that doesn't help cheer me up, I'll say that much. Most of the time I don't mind being a stand alone complex here, but sometimes it gets to me. I get to me. I'm my own worst enemy, really. I think most people hate being alone because being alone allows people to face their inner demons, or their true selves. I think most people cannot handle themselves, so they seek the company of others for some sort of odd reassurance (that I never quite got the hang of) that they really are the person they think they are. Honestly I don't think people know who they really are. But hell, I really do not understand people, they do not make any sense most of the time. Often, I think my lack of understanding leads to some of my major trust issues, but it's probably more than that. I do know for a fact that I do have some serious trust issues, and have so for a long, LONG time. I'm rather stuck between wanting to be close with my friends, yet running away because I fear intimacy to an extreme. I cannot be intimate with anyone, or make myself so utterly vulnerable, to lose myself so deeply within them. That is why I have to stand alone. Sometimes I'm plum crazy...
There's a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head today. None of which are very bright or cheery. I keep thinking about death. Well not really death itself but more like that state which is between life and death. That feeling one gets when they have accepted death as a reality and are at peace with it. And then I think of people who I care about, and who are close to me, and then the lyrics to this song come to mind. Honestly it's driving me crazy. These lyrics really get to me, especially near the end where the singer says "Please don't cry for me. Please don't be sad. I'll be all right, Jus' my turn, you know. Please don't be mad. It's part of life" and "we all owe time". Ha, come to think of it this song may be responsible for my blue mood entirely. It's such a beautiful song though, I can't seem to tear myself away from it. It haunts me, and one of my biggest insecurities is losing those I love, or not being able to do anything for them. I have such a huge fear of loss...sometimes I wish I had nothing at all, that way I'd have nothing to lose in return. But honestly, I think the song just came along at an appropriate time because I had been in a melancholy mood since Saturday. It's hard for me to explain. Sometimes I just bring myself down, and sometimes that "down" gets pretty damn low. For example today I tried to get my mind off of these gloomy thoughts...but ended up losing focus on whatever I was doing to distract myself! I was only content doing one of two things today. 1. Sleeping 2. Staring at the wall listening to music.
I really cannot explain why this happens...but I think it has something to do with my being discontent with my life at the moment. Sometimes I feel so incredibly alienated, and I'm not sure if that has to do with where I live, or if it's because of me personally. Perhaps it's a combination of both (probably is) but I know one thing for sure, today I miss the HELL out of my friends. I would talk to people on the internet and stuff, but it just isn't as good as being there in person. I'm really sick and tired of typing shit to people. I want to see them face to face, but that is impossible. We're all scattered all over the place, and to be honest some friends don't even deserve my attention. Does not matter though, because regardless of how little they deserve, I still miss them. That's just the problem with people, you get to talking to someone, no matter how short a conversation, and later you'll miss them. I end up missing everybody in the end at some point. But anyway this alienated feeling, I compare it often to being dead. I do not know why exactly, it is nothing like being dead realistically speaking, but sometimes I feel like I am. Like I'm this ghost that contains these memories of people I once knew, but cannot contact anymore. Or it is as if I'm floating in a sea, staring into the huge dark abyss at the bottom, floating quietly away. I think maybe that is why I am so into these songs about that midway between life and death. I feel like I am there, right now. Or as Kierkegaard would say, I have the despair, that of which is the sickness unto death. But anyhows, then I remember people in my life who REALLY have been there...who are gone now. And that doesn't help cheer me up, I'll say that much. Most of the time I don't mind being a stand alone complex here, but sometimes it gets to me. I get to me. I'm my own worst enemy, really. I think most people hate being alone because being alone allows people to face their inner demons, or their true selves. I think most people cannot handle themselves, so they seek the company of others for some sort of odd reassurance (that I never quite got the hang of) that they really are the person they think they are. Honestly I don't think people know who they really are. But hell, I really do not understand people, they do not make any sense most of the time. Often, I think my lack of understanding leads to some of my major trust issues, but it's probably more than that. I do know for a fact that I do have some serious trust issues, and have so for a long, LONG time. I'm rather stuck between wanting to be close with my friends, yet running away because I fear intimacy to an extreme. I cannot be intimate with anyone, or make myself so utterly vulnerable, to lose myself so deeply within them. That is why I have to stand alone. Sometimes I'm plum crazy...