0154: "Let me stay in my dreams, Sandman, don't bring me back into this waking world."
Have you ever woken up, thinking there was no point to waking up? That waking up would just make you face everything you've run away from, all those things you wish just didn't exist?
I've been waking up and thinking that for a long while now.
Regardless, even if I'm scandalously late (and my phone is missing yet again, hiding beneath my bed for unknown reasons!), Meri Kurisumasu, Maligayang Pasko, Merry Christmas. :)
***
This Christmas I received seven bags. :) I like bags.
But of course Christmas means something else, which is the mutilation of my French first first name. Gah. You know it's bad when it's the relative you see the most that massacres your name beyond recognition (only one r, i before a, etc.) and the relatives you forgot you had spell your name perfectly.
Eighteen Christmases have shown me one thing: no matter how easy it is supposedly to pronounce one's name (on record, only one person has mispronounced my first first name, and that's my English teacher in 2nd year), it is only too easy to misspell it.
Still, it was an interesting Christmas. Thanks to everyone that texted me :) I would have texted but my phone is still hiding under the bed. >_<
***
My family decided to eat at Makati Shang for Christmas dinner.
Hee, who should be at a nearby table but Zsa Zsa Padilla and Dolphy. I didn't recognize any of the other people they were with though.
That takes care of my Celebrity Sighting quota for the year. :)
***
Hey Block 13, you know that book we're supposed to read for Humanidades 1? "Ang Daigdig ng Tao?"
Its author just passed away a few days ago this year. :(
***
It's never been an option to admit I love you, you know.
Believe me, I've tried. I've tried and tried and looked for all the opportunities to do so, even making plans for them when they wouldn't come into my life.
It's first year all over again and I'm answering a long test in Integrated Science, scribbling down answers on a piece of intermediate pad paper rapidly since I studied hard and know all the answers. I write and write and suddenly you stand up and submit your paper and all the names and scientific information in my mind disappears in an instant and my heart beats faster and nothing is left but my thinking about you, you, and only you and soon the bell rings and my paper's only half finished and I leave the classroom in a daze.
All those years and I wait, wait and wait, and still nothing comes to pass. Then it's all gone wrong and it's you and me under one of those large trees and it's your voice I remember from that night, your firm voice telling me it's all just a game, a game and my heart cracks and it's all lost and you turn away like a gentleman does so I can cry without being shamed, with only the tree and the rain as my witnesses. Yet you're still there, just a foot away, and I want to speak but my voice has gone raspy and tears are the only thing I can express coherently.
It's all a game for you.
I wish you'd realize it never was.
Maybe, maybe everything now is because of you. Maybe my insomnia, my nonexistent attention span, my pale face and wish to run away from everything is because of this uncertainty that has always surrounded us, cloaked us and made what could be into what never was.
And now I sleep and sleep, hoping never to wake up, never to see the sunlight filter into my room past the venetian blinds. Let me stay in my dreams, Sandman, don't bring me back into this waking world. Please. Because I know what will be the thought in my mind when I wake up, when I wipe the tears from my eyes and touch my damp pillow and bring it out to dry.
I'll never be able to say it now.
***
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
I can't wait. :)
Wow, the series I started reading in grade 5 is about to get finished soon. I think I'm going to feel what I felt when I finished Book 13 of Series of Unfortunate Events, only on a much larger scale because HP... for some days, it was all I had to think about positively.
***
It's apparently illegal and immoral to sell one's kidney.
According to the Department of Health, at least.
***
This is how it works: comment on this entry + I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation of what the word means to you + why. Then pass out letters to those who want to play along.
jarjar_random gave me the letter O. (OMGWTFBBQ!) Because this is an extremely weird/hard letter to do, I took rather long. Gomen, Jar-san.
I was supposed to give each entry a picture, but I got lazy. O.o
1. Onii-san I have two brothers. My relationship with one of them is like Touya and Sakura in Cardcaptor Sakura (the whole bullying and abusing while looking out for each other bit), so I tend to refer to that brother as Onii-san like Sakura does Touya. Only in my mind, though. Hee.
2. Octillery Octillery is a Water Pokemon. It evolves from Remoraid. I've always been fascinated by this Pokemon because it is an octopus that evolves from a fish (so technically it downgraded into a cephalopod from a fish - not to mention lost its spine O.o) and while it is a water Pokemon, it can use Fire Blast. (Imagine Charizard using Hydro Pump. Gah. It'd kill itself in a second.) I don't know, it's like being able to do something great that goes against one's very being. I wish I could do something like that, somehow.
Thanks to Bulbapedia for the picture of Remoraid.
Octillery using Fire Blast. :)
3. Oblation (as in the symbol of UP) Considering my brother who is 10 years my senior in academics went to UP, I've been exposed to the naked guy since I was 8 years old. At such a young age, my parents wanted me to follow in my brother's footsteps (well actually still now) so they would hint to me about going to UP (and Pisay). I remember thinking to myself then, "Wait, my parents want me to go to a school with a naked guy as their symbol. Great." (Famous last words from Lorraine, age 8.)
Nowadays I see the Oblation (UP Manila's) every school day because our Mini-Sunken Garden with it can be seen from outside UP. Seeing it always reminds me to hurry up and get my school id out lest I be attacked by the UP guards as I enter the campus. >_< Still, it's nice to think about, its symbolism, and I can brag that my school had a naked man as its symbol as opposed to those schools with generic colored animals. (Sorry if I offended anyone, that's not my intention. I actually cheered for Ateneo - as opposed to my alma mater, La Salle - a lot during the years of UAAP in high school because my cousin played for them when I was in first year - they won that year, too. It's sort of disturbing to have people tell you they have a crush on your cousin. Especially if they're little girls.)
In retrospect, I have never gone to a school that used an animal as a mascot. (Unless you count La Salle's using the Bengal tiger a long time ago.) La Salle had the Archer guy, Pisay had the never-extinguishing flame, and UP has the naked man. Yay.
4. Obsession I realize that I have an obsession with many things. Anime, games, internet, and most of all, him. I ended up writing a haiku on Obsession in third year which ended up on the 2nd floor wall with the other Potassium haiku.
Sweet little pink hearts
Dark edge of envy leads to
Sticky black blood drops
Yes, it was near/after Valentine's Day. Sorry about that. I also remember my poem getting "relocated" to another section's a few days later. O.o Of course, the title was Obsession. Wait, I found the summary I wrote up for it for English (where we had to tape ourselves reciting our haiku and giving a summary beforehand).
"While people have written so many poems about the purity and innocence of love, it remains to be true that love is not obtained without deception, without pain, without hardships. Love, while it may be a many-splendored thing, affects people in ways that are not pure, not innocent, and definitely not happy. The next haiku, entitled Obssession, talks about sweet gestures of love, and the darker reprecussions they may bring."
Hee, I remember picking Soujiro Seta's character song Innocence to accompany it. :)
I also remember Vinni taking his haiku and Franz-san's and asking people which they liked better (at least the way the paper they were on were designed/colored). :)
5. Ocelli I remember writing a story about ocelli and an octopus for the last Bio 1 quiz Ma'am Cardenas gave in 2nd year. Hee. It was dramatic and my first erm, attempt at romance using animals (gasp). I did get the extra five points, so yay :) And she wrote that I write well :)
6. Operation I've had how many of these? I'm not sure anymore. Four, I think. (And many scars to remind me I've gone through them.) When I hear the word, I instantly recall lying on a metal table while wearing a hospital gown (the kind that ties in the back) and having an oxygen mask placed over my nose and mouth, anesthesia flowing into them. It gets blurry from there on.
The longest one I've had was around 6 hours. I remember getting an infection after that one and well, staying in the hospital a bit longer because of that. I also remember barfing a lot, but too much anesthesia messes up your system. At least mine, that is.
All the operations I've had affected me physically and mentally over the years. Honestly, I think getting exposed to too much anesthesia killed a lot of my neurons as a child. Donk. This is why I can only remember a few things about my childhood (most of them bad). Ah well.
When I hear the word, along with the visuals the smell of anesthesia fills my nostrils and I feel weak, almost like I'm going under.
7. Orange I like oranges. I like the color. :) But when I hear the word I almost always think first of a younger me drinking Tang Orange Juice (I have no idea why my mom picked Tang over Eight o' clock. Neither does my mom. Ah, it's because Tang gave free glass pitchers with their powdered juice if you bought it in bulk - which we did since we were a large family.). I like oranges generally although I'm not supposed to ingest too much Vitamin C. >_<
8. Ostentatious When I first studied handwriting analysis, I read a lot on "Ostentatious" handwriting and letter forms. A person who prefers to use ostentatious letter forms is generally vain, pompous, and well... ostentatious. Of course I then realized that handwriting analysis wasn't just a crock of lies because one of my grade school teachers who I disliked for her vanity used ostentatious letter forms. Hee. I'd actually scan the ostentatious letter forms, but I left my handwriting analysis books in Manila. Boo.
9. Oxygen I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. *hits self* Chem is eating my brain. Anyway, I wouldn't be lying if I said I couldn't live without this. :)
Every time I hear this word, I keep thinking of a candle that's just being lit. (Because oxygen, I learned at a very young age, is needed for fire to continue burning.) I was an astrology buff when I was younger and I thought that being a fire sign was really really interesting. I wasn't a pyro or anything, but I liked to watch a lit candle, its flame glowing mysteriously in the dark night. I was half-convinced that I saw things in the flame then that corresponded to my near and far future. (I guess Wiccans would say I was scrying using the flame, but really, I think it's just my overactive imagination at work.) Well, considering I ended up going to a high school that used a never-extinguishing flame as its symbol, maybe it was scrying, sort of. In some crazy way.
10. OMGWTFBBQ! Not a word, but I'm sure a lot of you have seen me use it on my blog. It's this expression that's been going around the web for a while now which is used to show extreme shock/amazement/etc. The fact that this expression slips into my writings and thought patterns sometimes shows how obsessed I am with the 'net. Somehow it conveys something other words fail to express fully. :)
Okay, this was hard. Gaah.
***
Why is it that relatives never get clothes sizes right? You gain weight or maintain it and they give you stuff that won't fit a toddler. You lose weight and they give you stuff that'd fit a sumo wrestler. >_<
***
My brother wants to buy a Magic Sing. Help!
I've been waking up and thinking that for a long while now.
Regardless, even if I'm scandalously late (and my phone is missing yet again, hiding beneath my bed for unknown reasons!), Meri Kurisumasu, Maligayang Pasko, Merry Christmas. :)
***
This Christmas I received seven bags. :) I like bags.
But of course Christmas means something else, which is the mutilation of my French first first name. Gah. You know it's bad when it's the relative you see the most that massacres your name beyond recognition (only one r, i before a, etc.) and the relatives you forgot you had spell your name perfectly.
Eighteen Christmases have shown me one thing: no matter how easy it is supposedly to pronounce one's name (on record, only one person has mispronounced my first first name, and that's my English teacher in 2nd year), it is only too easy to misspell it.
Still, it was an interesting Christmas. Thanks to everyone that texted me :) I would have texted but my phone is still hiding under the bed. >_<
***
My family decided to eat at Makati Shang for Christmas dinner.
Hee, who should be at a nearby table but Zsa Zsa Padilla and Dolphy. I didn't recognize any of the other people they were with though.
That takes care of my Celebrity Sighting quota for the year. :)
***
Hey Block 13, you know that book we're supposed to read for Humanidades 1? "Ang Daigdig ng Tao?"
Its author just passed away a few days ago this year. :(
***
It's never been an option to admit I love you, you know.
Believe me, I've tried. I've tried and tried and looked for all the opportunities to do so, even making plans for them when they wouldn't come into my life.
It's first year all over again and I'm answering a long test in Integrated Science, scribbling down answers on a piece of intermediate pad paper rapidly since I studied hard and know all the answers. I write and write and suddenly you stand up and submit your paper and all the names and scientific information in my mind disappears in an instant and my heart beats faster and nothing is left but my thinking about you, you, and only you and soon the bell rings and my paper's only half finished and I leave the classroom in a daze.
All those years and I wait, wait and wait, and still nothing comes to pass. Then it's all gone wrong and it's you and me under one of those large trees and it's your voice I remember from that night, your firm voice telling me it's all just a game, a game and my heart cracks and it's all lost and you turn away like a gentleman does so I can cry without being shamed, with only the tree and the rain as my witnesses. Yet you're still there, just a foot away, and I want to speak but my voice has gone raspy and tears are the only thing I can express coherently.
It's all a game for you.
I wish you'd realize it never was.
Maybe, maybe everything now is because of you. Maybe my insomnia, my nonexistent attention span, my pale face and wish to run away from everything is because of this uncertainty that has always surrounded us, cloaked us and made what could be into what never was.
And now I sleep and sleep, hoping never to wake up, never to see the sunlight filter into my room past the venetian blinds. Let me stay in my dreams, Sandman, don't bring me back into this waking world. Please. Because I know what will be the thought in my mind when I wake up, when I wipe the tears from my eyes and touch my damp pillow and bring it out to dry.
I'll never be able to say it now.
***
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
I can't wait. :)
Wow, the series I started reading in grade 5 is about to get finished soon. I think I'm going to feel what I felt when I finished Book 13 of Series of Unfortunate Events, only on a much larger scale because HP... for some days, it was all I had to think about positively.
***
It's apparently illegal and immoral to sell one's kidney.
According to the Department of Health, at least.
***
This is how it works: comment on this entry + I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation of what the word means to you + why. Then pass out letters to those who want to play along.
jarjar_random gave me the letter O. (OMGWTFBBQ!) Because this is an extremely weird/hard letter to do, I took rather long. Gomen, Jar-san.
I was supposed to give each entry a picture, but I got lazy. O.o
1. Onii-san I have two brothers. My relationship with one of them is like Touya and Sakura in Cardcaptor Sakura (the whole bullying and abusing while looking out for each other bit), so I tend to refer to that brother as Onii-san like Sakura does Touya. Only in my mind, though. Hee.
2. Octillery Octillery is a Water Pokemon. It evolves from Remoraid. I've always been fascinated by this Pokemon because it is an octopus that evolves from a fish (so technically it downgraded into a cephalopod from a fish - not to mention lost its spine O.o) and while it is a water Pokemon, it can use Fire Blast. (Imagine Charizard using Hydro Pump. Gah. It'd kill itself in a second.) I don't know, it's like being able to do something great that goes against one's very being. I wish I could do something like that, somehow.
Thanks to Bulbapedia for the picture of Remoraid.
Octillery using Fire Blast. :)
3. Oblation (as in the symbol of UP) Considering my brother who is 10 years my senior in academics went to UP, I've been exposed to the naked guy since I was 8 years old. At such a young age, my parents wanted me to follow in my brother's footsteps (well actually still now) so they would hint to me about going to UP (and Pisay). I remember thinking to myself then, "Wait, my parents want me to go to a school with a naked guy as their symbol. Great." (Famous last words from Lorraine, age 8.)
Nowadays I see the Oblation (UP Manila's) every school day because our Mini-Sunken Garden with it can be seen from outside UP. Seeing it always reminds me to hurry up and get my school id out lest I be attacked by the UP guards as I enter the campus. >_< Still, it's nice to think about, its symbolism, and I can brag that my school had a naked man as its symbol as opposed to those schools with generic colored animals. (Sorry if I offended anyone, that's not my intention. I actually cheered for Ateneo - as opposed to my alma mater, La Salle - a lot during the years of UAAP in high school because my cousin played for them when I was in first year - they won that year, too. It's sort of disturbing to have people tell you they have a crush on your cousin. Especially if they're little girls.)
In retrospect, I have never gone to a school that used an animal as a mascot. (Unless you count La Salle's using the Bengal tiger a long time ago.) La Salle had the Archer guy, Pisay had the never-extinguishing flame, and UP has the naked man. Yay.
4. Obsession I realize that I have an obsession with many things. Anime, games, internet, and most of all, him. I ended up writing a haiku on Obsession in third year which ended up on the 2nd floor wall with the other Potassium haiku.
Sweet little pink hearts
Dark edge of envy leads to
Sticky black blood drops
Yes, it was near/after Valentine's Day. Sorry about that. I also remember my poem getting "relocated" to another section's a few days later. O.o Of course, the title was Obsession. Wait, I found the summary I wrote up for it for English (where we had to tape ourselves reciting our haiku and giving a summary beforehand).
"While people have written so many poems about the purity and innocence of love, it remains to be true that love is not obtained without deception, without pain, without hardships. Love, while it may be a many-splendored thing, affects people in ways that are not pure, not innocent, and definitely not happy. The next haiku, entitled Obssession, talks about sweet gestures of love, and the darker reprecussions they may bring."
Hee, I remember picking Soujiro Seta's character song Innocence to accompany it. :)
I also remember Vinni taking his haiku and Franz-san's and asking people which they liked better (at least the way the paper they were on were designed/colored). :)
5. Ocelli I remember writing a story about ocelli and an octopus for the last Bio 1 quiz Ma'am Cardenas gave in 2nd year. Hee. It was dramatic and my first erm, attempt at romance using animals (gasp). I did get the extra five points, so yay :) And she wrote that I write well :)
6. Operation I've had how many of these? I'm not sure anymore. Four, I think. (And many scars to remind me I've gone through them.) When I hear the word, I instantly recall lying on a metal table while wearing a hospital gown (the kind that ties in the back) and having an oxygen mask placed over my nose and mouth, anesthesia flowing into them. It gets blurry from there on.
The longest one I've had was around 6 hours. I remember getting an infection after that one and well, staying in the hospital a bit longer because of that. I also remember barfing a lot, but too much anesthesia messes up your system. At least mine, that is.
All the operations I've had affected me physically and mentally over the years. Honestly, I think getting exposed to too much anesthesia killed a lot of my neurons as a child. Donk. This is why I can only remember a few things about my childhood (most of them bad). Ah well.
When I hear the word, along with the visuals the smell of anesthesia fills my nostrils and I feel weak, almost like I'm going under.
7. Orange I like oranges. I like the color. :) But when I hear the word I almost always think first of a younger me drinking Tang Orange Juice (I have no idea why my mom picked Tang over Eight o' clock. Neither does my mom. Ah, it's because Tang gave free glass pitchers with their powdered juice if you bought it in bulk - which we did since we were a large family.). I like oranges generally although I'm not supposed to ingest too much Vitamin C. >_<
8. Ostentatious When I first studied handwriting analysis, I read a lot on "Ostentatious" handwriting and letter forms. A person who prefers to use ostentatious letter forms is generally vain, pompous, and well... ostentatious. Of course I then realized that handwriting analysis wasn't just a crock of lies because one of my grade school teachers who I disliked for her vanity used ostentatious letter forms. Hee. I'd actually scan the ostentatious letter forms, but I left my handwriting analysis books in Manila. Boo.
9. Oxygen I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. *hits self* Chem is eating my brain. Anyway, I wouldn't be lying if I said I couldn't live without this. :)
Every time I hear this word, I keep thinking of a candle that's just being lit. (Because oxygen, I learned at a very young age, is needed for fire to continue burning.) I was an astrology buff when I was younger and I thought that being a fire sign was really really interesting. I wasn't a pyro or anything, but I liked to watch a lit candle, its flame glowing mysteriously in the dark night. I was half-convinced that I saw things in the flame then that corresponded to my near and far future. (I guess Wiccans would say I was scrying using the flame, but really, I think it's just my overactive imagination at work.) Well, considering I ended up going to a high school that used a never-extinguishing flame as its symbol, maybe it was scrying, sort of. In some crazy way.
10. OMGWTFBBQ! Not a word, but I'm sure a lot of you have seen me use it on my blog. It's this expression that's been going around the web for a while now which is used to show extreme shock/amazement/etc. The fact that this expression slips into my writings and thought patterns sometimes shows how obsessed I am with the 'net. Somehow it conveys something other words fail to express fully. :)
Okay, this was hard. Gaah.
***
Why is it that relatives never get clothes sizes right? You gain weight or maintain it and they give you stuff that won't fit a toddler. You lose weight and they give you stuff that'd fit a sumo wrestler. >_<
***
My brother wants to buy a Magic Sing. Help!