God, I can't catch a break.
So, Jared's been cheaing on me.
For five months.
With Ann.
And I believed him when he said he loved me, and that he'd never cheat on me.
Holy fuck, what do I do?
My gut is telling me to stay with him. That people deserve another chance. But everyone else is telling me to dump his sorry ass.
She initiated it. Every one of the five times. He's insecure. It makes sense that if he's a boy, who's insecure, and another girl wants him in a sexual way, that he'd succomb to her. Especially if she initiated it. But why he'd do it to me is quite another subject that I don't understand.
He told me yesterday when I confronted him that he loves me. That he still wants to be with me. That he doesn't know why he did it; he doesn't have a reason. He's told me, and he's told Dillon that he doesn't know why he did it. He doesn't even like her. He thinks she's a bitch. He thinks she's ugly. He hates her. And after today, he's never going to talk to her again.
I asked him why he didn't just stop talking to her the FIRST time this happened, and he said he doesn't know. But I don't get it. Most everyone has told me to break it off. But a few choice people have told me to give him a chance, because they believe that now that he's seen the way he's hurt me, he'll never do it again; because they believe he loves me. And, I'm not going to lie, I still love him.
Duh. I can't just get over that in a day.
So... he's not talking to her anymore, he wants to change, and we're going to the same college. What do I do? Do I say with him? Attempt to rebuild trust? Can I trust him again? Is it worth it to try? I thought he was worth it. I really did. But Gosh, I don't know now. I really don't. I feel like he's just been living this double life... he's put his mouth on her... his hands in places I don't want to think about. And having these images in my head only make me want to hit her (and him) in the face.
I don't know if those images will ever be able to get out of my head. There was a night, a while back, when he lied to me about Ann taking him home. I found out. He said she just drove him home, but I thought something more happened. He promised... SWORE up and down that he'd never do anything with her. Cried at me, and made ME feel bad for thinking he'd cheat. As it ends up; that night, they were making out, and he had to sneak her out of the house.
I asked him why he didn't tell me in the first place; why he didn't just come clean after the FIRST time... he said;
"I know. I fucking hate myself more than you hate me for it. I hate who I have become. And I know that you most likely don't care that I'm telling you this but I don't want to be this person anymore. I'm a fucking monster. I want to change. As stupid as it might sound, I want to start going to church and believing in God. I want to become someone who isn't angry. Someone who doesn't lie. I want to be a better person. I hate the way I feel right now. I will change. And I know you may or may not care about that. And chances are, you don't believe any of it, but it's something I have to do."
What do I do with that? I want him to become a better person. I really do. I want him to live a happier life, but as he's said, he doesn't want to do that/ doesn't think he CAN fully do that without me being there behind him. I've always been there. He wants to marry me.
I think I can forgive him. I can't forget. And I can't forgive him easily. But I can try. Because I feel some sort of compassion for him. Because I love him. God... I don't know what to do. I really don't.
Fuck.
For five months.
With Ann.
And I believed him when he said he loved me, and that he'd never cheat on me.
Holy fuck, what do I do?
My gut is telling me to stay with him. That people deserve another chance. But everyone else is telling me to dump his sorry ass.
She initiated it. Every one of the five times. He's insecure. It makes sense that if he's a boy, who's insecure, and another girl wants him in a sexual way, that he'd succomb to her. Especially if she initiated it. But why he'd do it to me is quite another subject that I don't understand.
He told me yesterday when I confronted him that he loves me. That he still wants to be with me. That he doesn't know why he did it; he doesn't have a reason. He's told me, and he's told Dillon that he doesn't know why he did it. He doesn't even like her. He thinks she's a bitch. He thinks she's ugly. He hates her. And after today, he's never going to talk to her again.
I asked him why he didn't just stop talking to her the FIRST time this happened, and he said he doesn't know. But I don't get it. Most everyone has told me to break it off. But a few choice people have told me to give him a chance, because they believe that now that he's seen the way he's hurt me, he'll never do it again; because they believe he loves me. And, I'm not going to lie, I still love him.
Duh. I can't just get over that in a day.
So... he's not talking to her anymore, he wants to change, and we're going to the same college. What do I do? Do I say with him? Attempt to rebuild trust? Can I trust him again? Is it worth it to try? I thought he was worth it. I really did. But Gosh, I don't know now. I really don't. I feel like he's just been living this double life... he's put his mouth on her... his hands in places I don't want to think about. And having these images in my head only make me want to hit her (and him) in the face.
I don't know if those images will ever be able to get out of my head. There was a night, a while back, when he lied to me about Ann taking him home. I found out. He said she just drove him home, but I thought something more happened. He promised... SWORE up and down that he'd never do anything with her. Cried at me, and made ME feel bad for thinking he'd cheat. As it ends up; that night, they were making out, and he had to sneak her out of the house.
I asked him why he didn't tell me in the first place; why he didn't just come clean after the FIRST time... he said;
"I know. I fucking hate myself more than you hate me for it. I hate who I have become. And I know that you most likely don't care that I'm telling you this but I don't want to be this person anymore. I'm a fucking monster. I want to change. As stupid as it might sound, I want to start going to church and believing in God. I want to become someone who isn't angry. Someone who doesn't lie. I want to be a better person. I hate the way I feel right now. I will change. And I know you may or may not care about that. And chances are, you don't believe any of it, but it's something I have to do."
What do I do with that? I want him to become a better person. I really do. I want him to live a happier life, but as he's said, he doesn't want to do that/ doesn't think he CAN fully do that without me being there behind him. I've always been there. He wants to marry me.
I think I can forgive him. I can't forget. And I can't forgive him easily. But I can try. Because I feel some sort of compassion for him. Because I love him. God... I don't know what to do. I really don't.
Fuck.