Long Entry.
I am very sorry, I have not updated this thing with writings of my life, in according to the email I got from Ryan, a gripping 16 weeks. (!!) So very sorry. Honestly, nothing of substance has happened, I don't think. BUt, to each his own, right? Right. *assured nod* I have a journal, over at greatestjournal.com, and have been keeping up with that one. So here's my plan, hear me out here, people..Copy and Paster..a few entries from GJ.com, convert them to here. Sound Good?
Now, I am looking over some of said entries, and I'm thinking to myself..Who would want to read them? No, thats not right. What I meant was, the moods that I was in while I was writing them, only lasted the time..probably 2-3 hours after writing the particular entry. So bare with me. Alot happens up here *points to head* And it aint pretty alot of the times. So sit back with your beverage, and prepare to slip into the minds eye of..Me.
I will go back to the begining of this month. Oh, and I will not be cut-tagging. So beware!
February 1st, 2006
I thought seriously about buying a ticket to Chicago..and leaving.
Cause honestly, I hate it here. And I am graduating on my birthday in March..maybe. I have to chance too, and my school sees how "stressed" out I am...eh, maybe it's all bullshit. How like life, huh? Whole pile of bullshit.
About the train thing...I hate living at my house. I know, I know I will get shit for this from my friends, cause I'm complaining and all, but who cares? My step-father is a mindless fuck-tard. I would give anything if these could be my parting words to him: "Get the dick out of your ass" Because I would. I guess I dont take well to male-authority figues,..cause I never had one. Biological Father passed when I was 2..no Father figure. It was just us four, My Mother..who is a fuckin Saint..My Brother, My sister, and myself. We were JUST FINE by ourselves, for 7 years we were fine. Then..My mother remarried...and this unfamiler [sp] male comes in, moves into MY HOUSE...and takes away MY MOTHER..everything changed. Everything. I mean, I was OKAY..even happy with it for sometime..but then I smartened up. We didn't need him, My Mother was raising us just fine. We were well-fed. Each of us had chores..I cleaned walls..It was my favorite thing to do. We had FUN. Well, let me tell you..When Ron married my Mother. The fun stopped. My mother, is a strong woman. She did not, and does not need a man to "complete her." Ron doesn't know how to love, doesn't show his love at all. He reminds me of what Prince Charles has to be like.
He makes these rules..they try to control me now..when I am almost 19 years old, and am capable to take care of myself, instead of when I was 7 or 8, when I was..Free. I felt free. Well, I suppose every 7-8 year old feels free. Not a damn care in the world. Just as long as there's air in your tires, and you bike chain is oiled. I remember those days, I spent every waking moment outside on my bike. That is the first taste of freedom, anyone has.
Great, Now I got myself off topic. Anyways, when push comes to shove...I just can't wait untill I move out, and live the way I want to live. FREE.
My parent and her second-choice husband, force me to take sleeping medicine, everynight. I know, I don't sleep. When I don't sleep, it's my damn fault. I am the one who suffers from it. Perhaps, I do wake them up. Take the computer away from me. Just..all these rules. I find myself getting lost in movies and music. All the time. Trying to escape my own home. Only a couple more months. *sighs* August..August..August..
Peace be with all,
~Livestrong~
******
Update on the above entry: Things have gotten better. My parental unit still tries to control me, which I understand why. I'm the baby. Hopefully, my upcoming 19th Birthday will convince to them to let up a bit.
NEXT.
February 14th, 2006
I have nothing to update about. but when i read trina lea's and kita maria's updates. i feel so goddamn inspired.
Happy Fucking Valentines Day.
I am leading a secret life. Shhhh dont tell.
i wish i could help my friends. wait, thats too much to ask. i wish my friends would just talk to me. i need new ones. where's the friend store?
i'm gaining weight. and i need to start working out again. I have decided that my prom dress is going to be yellow. yellow and fucking poofy as hell.
rock out, and rock on.
No Day but Today
********
Short, Sweet and to the point.
*****
February 18th, 2006
Subject: Senior Band Nerds '06..and Dennys
Senior Night was awesome. Arcola lost, but..yeah. We fought a good fight. And damn Hard.
I love being in this Pep Band, I am very confident in saying it's the best one in the area, for damn sure.
And then there was Dennys. Tree, Krapper, Kita, and myself. Our conversation brought back some good memories...and went somewhat like this:
Tree: I screamed so hard tonight, I ripped my Pancreas Out...and I used to have a twin..Allison, see *show little red bump close to her left ear* There was a spinal cord and everything. *assured nod*
And Kita is Mother Teresa..Freshman year. Totally forgot about that. Gag, we were probably really loud. But who cares, it was fun..and I forgot about all the other bad shit that is happening to me these days, for about 2-3 hours. *smiles* Yup..
And that concludes my update..wait..one more thang,
I have half-way done with Book #2..so happy. I am getting very real in this one. Telling the Truth. Cause that's what sells books, right? The Truth. Hold nothing back.
I have dubbed it: The Notebook of Truth
Peace be with all,
~Tex Mex~
*******
Reading that just made me go back to Senior Night, and Dennys afterwards. So much fun. *le sigh*
~~~~~~~~~~~
February 20th, 2006
Subject: Monday, Monday..
I have finally figured out what I have...I think..check this out.
It's called Borderline Personality Disorder. Here's what it is in a meek..
Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Taken From: http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/borderline.html
I had a therapy session today..went absolutely wonderful. Very Intense. First time I have cried in a therapy session for a long time. I feel, like we're getting into the deepness of the therapy..scale..or spectrum. Deeling with alot of relationship shi right now. And no, I'm not speaking of the ladies the read this journal. Not you, so dont be worryin'.
Now that the time is drawing nearer and nearer...I am starting to get a little scared about Graduating. I am starting to savour [sp?] every moment I can with my classmates. Well, the moments that are worth it. Like Tree..ah, God Love her. I feel so insanely stupid..of not "getting to know her" eariler..She is just too cool for school. And Ryan..Ryan, Ryan..I will truely miss him. Well..
Back to the Wonderfull Therapy session...I really enjopy my therapist..He is 32. Super-nice guy. Alright, in April..I'll be going to Chicago for "The Midtallica Bash" basically, An Metallica Fan Convention. A Bash. For the Mid-West. April 29th, the day I get back home from Gatlinberg, TN with the band. Should be an interesting weekend. WooHoo. And plus, Matty is going.
Nothing More.
Peace be with all,
~Livstrong~
PS. I was up all night last night, talking to a certain boy from Kentucky. Didn't get to sleep untill 5:45am
*********************
Well, if you made it this far. You deserve a prize. That's all I have to say. And if you did get this far, at least leave a comment. I would be happy if you did. Thanks. HaHa. I feel like I am speaking to no one, cause I hardly think that people will come this far. *dies*
Last One, I swear to you.
February 23rd, 2006
Subject: No Day But Today
Why do I feel alone all the damn time? Cause you are
I just don't understand things sometimes. Why do I feel like bursting out into tears, when I am smiling? Why must I scratch myself and pull at my hair in American Problems? Why do I like this sight of a burn mark on my right forearm? Cause you're a psycho freak. No one wants to be around you. No body cares about you. No one likes you.
I'm starting to see a pattern in myself and relationships. I freak people out. I don't know how or why..I just do. It's a strange ability. No wonder I like being alone in my room almost all the time, I am too afraid of rejection if I go into the world. A rejection that will undoubtably persist.
As I ponder more and more, harder and harder about why my relationship are failing...Why did Joe stop talking to me last year? Cause he said you made him have a 'unnerving' feeling Why is it that I feel like I have noone to speak to, aside from my therapist..whom I only see once every 2 weeks. What the hell happened to my support net? Where's my team at?! I realize everyone has their own shit to deal with...but I'm here too.
Damn, I used to have this sense of freedom in this journal..cause no one else read it. I mean, I want people to read it..because lets face it, it's the only tool that is keeping *some* of my friendships alive. And I don't mean that in the bad way.
I hate being sick.
NO..What has become of me and my writings? I find myself having troubles expressing my feeling. I never have that. I no longer have that power to translate. Honestly, all the chaos..the not knowiing, bleekness, darkness, everything that was in my head..no matter how weird or all-over the place it seemed. Everyting came out perfect and coherent [sp] when a pen was at hand, and paper of course. Now, it seems I just focus on the outside stuff. What's going on around me, the physical..instead of the emotional. I like to think I still have this capability...somewhere inside me.
I'm getting tired. A sign of when I have definitely hit something, mentally.
I need a revolution.
I ask this: Do ya'll think I am 'pyshco' when it comes to guys/boys? I need an answer. A detailed one?.
**************
SO that is all.
Thank You to Ryan, for giving me the "nudge" to update. Although, I doubt you read this entire thing, reason being, it was you who told me to space these out. *shrugs* And for those of you who don't know. Ryan is the most interesting person to talk with. Has many wonderfull theroies on the "planet" Jupiter and Pluto. And about how life came about, and has a vast knowledge on this unknown writer name Shakespeare..or is it de Vere Oxford? Who Knows.
In short, Ryan is truly awesome.
And that has been one hell of an update from yours truly. Now back to your scheduled programing..
Now, I am looking over some of said entries, and I'm thinking to myself..Who would want to read them? No, thats not right. What I meant was, the moods that I was in while I was writing them, only lasted the time..probably 2-3 hours after writing the particular entry. So bare with me. Alot happens up here *points to head* And it aint pretty alot of the times. So sit back with your beverage, and prepare to slip into the minds eye of..Me.
I will go back to the begining of this month. Oh, and I will not be cut-tagging. So beware!
February 1st, 2006
I thought seriously about buying a ticket to Chicago..and leaving.
Cause honestly, I hate it here. And I am graduating on my birthday in March..maybe. I have to chance too, and my school sees how "stressed" out I am...eh, maybe it's all bullshit. How like life, huh? Whole pile of bullshit.
About the train thing...I hate living at my house. I know, I know I will get shit for this from my friends, cause I'm complaining and all, but who cares? My step-father is a mindless fuck-tard. I would give anything if these could be my parting words to him: "Get the dick out of your ass" Because I would. I guess I dont take well to male-authority figues,..cause I never had one. Biological Father passed when I was 2..no Father figure. It was just us four, My Mother..who is a fuckin Saint..My Brother, My sister, and myself. We were JUST FINE by ourselves, for 7 years we were fine. Then..My mother remarried...and this unfamiler [sp] male comes in, moves into MY HOUSE...and takes away MY MOTHER..everything changed. Everything. I mean, I was OKAY..even happy with it for sometime..but then I smartened up. We didn't need him, My Mother was raising us just fine. We were well-fed. Each of us had chores..I cleaned walls..It was my favorite thing to do. We had FUN. Well, let me tell you..When Ron married my Mother. The fun stopped. My mother, is a strong woman. She did not, and does not need a man to "complete her." Ron doesn't know how to love, doesn't show his love at all. He reminds me of what Prince Charles has to be like.
He makes these rules..they try to control me now..when I am almost 19 years old, and am capable to take care of myself, instead of when I was 7 or 8, when I was..Free. I felt free. Well, I suppose every 7-8 year old feels free. Not a damn care in the world. Just as long as there's air in your tires, and you bike chain is oiled. I remember those days, I spent every waking moment outside on my bike. That is the first taste of freedom, anyone has.
Great, Now I got myself off topic. Anyways, when push comes to shove...I just can't wait untill I move out, and live the way I want to live. FREE.
My parent and her second-choice husband, force me to take sleeping medicine, everynight. I know, I don't sleep. When I don't sleep, it's my damn fault. I am the one who suffers from it. Perhaps, I do wake them up. Take the computer away from me. Just..all these rules. I find myself getting lost in movies and music. All the time. Trying to escape my own home. Only a couple more months. *sighs* August..August..August..
Peace be with all,
~Livestrong~
******
Update on the above entry: Things have gotten better. My parental unit still tries to control me, which I understand why. I'm the baby. Hopefully, my upcoming 19th Birthday will convince to them to let up a bit.
NEXT.
February 14th, 2006
I have nothing to update about. but when i read trina lea's and kita maria's updates. i feel so goddamn inspired.
Happy Fucking Valentines Day.
I am leading a secret life. Shhhh dont tell.
i wish i could help my friends. wait, thats too much to ask. i wish my friends would just talk to me. i need new ones. where's the friend store?
i'm gaining weight. and i need to start working out again. I have decided that my prom dress is going to be yellow. yellow and fucking poofy as hell.
rock out, and rock on.
No Day but Today
********
Short, Sweet and to the point.
*****
February 18th, 2006
Subject: Senior Band Nerds '06..and Dennys
Senior Night was awesome. Arcola lost, but..yeah. We fought a good fight. And damn Hard.
I love being in this Pep Band, I am very confident in saying it's the best one in the area, for damn sure.
And then there was Dennys. Tree, Krapper, Kita, and myself. Our conversation brought back some good memories...and went somewhat like this:
Tree: I screamed so hard tonight, I ripped my Pancreas Out...and I used to have a twin..Allison, see *show little red bump close to her left ear* There was a spinal cord and everything. *assured nod*
And Kita is Mother Teresa..Freshman year. Totally forgot about that. Gag, we were probably really loud. But who cares, it was fun..and I forgot about all the other bad shit that is happening to me these days, for about 2-3 hours. *smiles* Yup..
And that concludes my update..wait..one more thang,
I have half-way done with Book #2..so happy. I am getting very real in this one. Telling the Truth. Cause that's what sells books, right? The Truth. Hold nothing back.
I have dubbed it: The Notebook of Truth
Peace be with all,
~Tex Mex~
*******
Reading that just made me go back to Senior Night, and Dennys afterwards. So much fun. *le sigh*
~~~~~~~~~~~
February 20th, 2006
Subject: Monday, Monday..
I have finally figured out what I have...I think..check this out.
It's called Borderline Personality Disorder. Here's what it is in a meek..
Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Taken From: http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/borderline.html
I had a therapy session today..went absolutely wonderful. Very Intense. First time I have cried in a therapy session for a long time. I feel, like we're getting into the deepness of the therapy..scale..or spectrum. Deeling with alot of relationship shi right now. And no, I'm not speaking of the ladies the read this journal. Not you, so dont be worryin'.
Now that the time is drawing nearer and nearer...I am starting to get a little scared about Graduating. I am starting to savour [sp?] every moment I can with my classmates. Well, the moments that are worth it. Like Tree..ah, God Love her. I feel so insanely stupid..of not "getting to know her" eariler..She is just too cool for school. And Ryan..Ryan, Ryan..I will truely miss him. Well..
Back to the Wonderfull Therapy session...I really enjopy my therapist..He is 32. Super-nice guy. Alright, in April..I'll be going to Chicago for "The Midtallica Bash" basically, An Metallica Fan Convention. A Bash. For the Mid-West. April 29th, the day I get back home from Gatlinberg, TN with the band. Should be an interesting weekend. WooHoo. And plus, Matty is going.
Nothing More.
Peace be with all,
~Livstrong~
PS. I was up all night last night, talking to a certain boy from Kentucky. Didn't get to sleep untill 5:45am
*********************
Well, if you made it this far. You deserve a prize. That's all I have to say. And if you did get this far, at least leave a comment. I would be happy if you did. Thanks. HaHa. I feel like I am speaking to no one, cause I hardly think that people will come this far. *dies*
Last One, I swear to you.
February 23rd, 2006
Subject: No Day But Today
Why do I feel alone all the damn time? Cause you are
I just don't understand things sometimes. Why do I feel like bursting out into tears, when I am smiling? Why must I scratch myself and pull at my hair in American Problems? Why do I like this sight of a burn mark on my right forearm? Cause you're a psycho freak. No one wants to be around you. No body cares about you. No one likes you.
I'm starting to see a pattern in myself and relationships. I freak people out. I don't know how or why..I just do. It's a strange ability. No wonder I like being alone in my room almost all the time, I am too afraid of rejection if I go into the world. A rejection that will undoubtably persist.
As I ponder more and more, harder and harder about why my relationship are failing...Why did Joe stop talking to me last year? Cause he said you made him have a 'unnerving' feeling Why is it that I feel like I have noone to speak to, aside from my therapist..whom I only see once every 2 weeks. What the hell happened to my support net? Where's my team at?! I realize everyone has their own shit to deal with...but I'm here too.
Damn, I used to have this sense of freedom in this journal..cause no one else read it. I mean, I want people to read it..because lets face it, it's the only tool that is keeping *some* of my friendships alive. And I don't mean that in the bad way.
I hate being sick.
NO..What has become of me and my writings? I find myself having troubles expressing my feeling. I never have that. I no longer have that power to translate. Honestly, all the chaos..the not knowiing, bleekness, darkness, everything that was in my head..no matter how weird or all-over the place it seemed. Everyting came out perfect and coherent [sp] when a pen was at hand, and paper of course. Now, it seems I just focus on the outside stuff. What's going on around me, the physical..instead of the emotional. I like to think I still have this capability...somewhere inside me.
I'm getting tired. A sign of when I have definitely hit something, mentally.
I need a revolution.
I ask this: Do ya'll think I am 'pyshco' when it comes to guys/boys? I need an answer. A detailed one?.
**************
SO that is all.
Thank You to Ryan, for giving me the "nudge" to update. Although, I doubt you read this entire thing, reason being, it was you who told me to space these out. *shrugs* And for those of you who don't know. Ryan is the most interesting person to talk with. Has many wonderfull theroies on the "planet" Jupiter and Pluto. And about how life came about, and has a vast knowledge on this unknown writer name Shakespeare..or is it de Vere Oxford? Who Knows.
In short, Ryan is truly awesome.
And that has been one hell of an update from yours truly. Now back to your scheduled programing..