WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW, LARRY KING?
WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW, LARRY KING?
The Ten Things I want to see Larry King do, in order
1. Dance around the Maypole, ribbon in hand,
twirling like a mad festive Renn Faire celebrant bon vivant,
heels and heart the very essence of air and sparking light.
Heart racing, cheeks flushed to a hot pink that no TV makeup artist can duplicate.
Safety Dance for me motherfucker, Safety Dance!
2. Knife fight with Tina Turner in Thunderdome,
sleek and sexual, silvery chain mail hanging just so seductively off her thorough frame,
and you: calm in the face of Tina's whirling blades and cool menace
you . . . raggedy man
3. Hot long and sloppy makeout session with Betty White.
Hold her like she's never going to divorce you, Larry.
Let her suck you into her mouth like the sweetest piece of 80th birthday cake
and tongue each other like icing off of your lips
Take her breath away Larry
Make her get wet and go weak in the knees
4. Sing backup for Beyonce.
Show those pipes daddy.
Show those pipes.
5. Dance backup for Beyonce
Yes. That song. The one you're thinking of.
Yes. Wearing that outfit.
Tight.
6. Take off that ridiculous bow tie
Boil it in a pot of bow tie pasta
Cover it all in tobasco sauce and chomp it down while chanting
"Take THAT Arizona!"
7. Shave your entire head with a Bowie knife
Rawr
8. Pluck your eyebrows to pencil thin autographs of sexy
Don your best Barbara Streisand wig
Glam out so hard RuPaul convulses with penis envy
Slip into the slinkiest dress you can get your geriatric velociraptor hands onto
And roll all over a piano belting out torch songs until the whole room's heart breaks
9. Pray straight into the ears of God and say "I'm sorry" for all of us, Larry
Every last one of us
10. Hold me Larry. Just hold me.
The Ten Things I want to see Larry King do, in order
1. Dance around the Maypole, ribbon in hand,
twirling like a mad festive Renn Faire celebrant bon vivant,
heels and heart the very essence of air and sparking light.
Heart racing, cheeks flushed to a hot pink that no TV makeup artist can duplicate.
Safety Dance for me motherfucker, Safety Dance!
2. Knife fight with Tina Turner in Thunderdome,
sleek and sexual, silvery chain mail hanging just so seductively off her thorough frame,
and you: calm in the face of Tina's whirling blades and cool menace
you . . . raggedy man
3. Hot long and sloppy makeout session with Betty White.
Hold her like she's never going to divorce you, Larry.
Let her suck you into her mouth like the sweetest piece of 80th birthday cake
and tongue each other like icing off of your lips
Take her breath away Larry
Make her get wet and go weak in the knees
4. Sing backup for Beyonce.
Show those pipes daddy.
Show those pipes.
5. Dance backup for Beyonce
Yes. That song. The one you're thinking of.
Yes. Wearing that outfit.
Tight.
6. Take off that ridiculous bow tie
Boil it in a pot of bow tie pasta
Cover it all in tobasco sauce and chomp it down while chanting
"Take THAT Arizona!"
7. Shave your entire head with a Bowie knife
Rawr
8. Pluck your eyebrows to pencil thin autographs of sexy
Don your best Barbara Streisand wig
Glam out so hard RuPaul convulses with penis envy
Slip into the slinkiest dress you can get your geriatric velociraptor hands onto
And roll all over a piano belting out torch songs until the whole room's heart breaks
9. Pray straight into the ears of God and say "I'm sorry" for all of us, Larry
Every last one of us
10. Hold me Larry. Just hold me.