Home - Part 1/2
Title: Home (Sequel to Losing my religion )
Author: revontulet_iam
Beta: saar_fantasy . Thank you so much, bb!
Pairing: Kradam (duh)
Summary: Adam only takes one duffel bag on his trip to Europe
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction
Notes: So, I don't know if you guys remember that fic I couple of months ago about Adam being in a relationship with Kris although he was still in love with Brad. I started working on a sequel a while ago and it's almost completed. There's couple of details that need taking care of, and because I'm kind of stuck on scenes, I figured that posting the first part would help. Anyway, I hope you like it. Comments and concrit are always appreciated.
Note2: This is for saar_fantasy because she's so awesome :D
1.
Adam only takes one duffel bag on his trip to Europe. It’s surprising, and why not, disconcerting that he only took the bare necessities. He thinks mournfully about the Dior leather boots he hasn’t worn yet or his green D&G shirt that brings out his eyes. Maybe he should have packed these, too. After all, he might be heartbroken, but he’s still Adam Lambert, and he’s fabulous by definition, or so his fans think.
He tries to reason with the fact that he now has enough money to buy everything he wants and besides, this trip is not about making a fashion statement, but about getting away from it all, if only for a little while. It doesn’t work, though. He doesn’t know who he is anymore or how he should act. Everything is but a jumbled mess in his head right now, a strange version of Ariadne’s thread. The more he tries to fix the disaster that he’s made of his life, the harder it gets to untangle it.
“I’m gonna miss you so much,” His mother says, hugging him tightly. They’re in the airport and Adam would like to tell her that if he doesn’t leave soon, he’s going to miss his flight, but maybe this is all part of Leila’s elaborate plan to make him stay in LA and wallow a little more in self pity and eat gallons of expensive ice cream while watching reruns of Gossip Girl. She thinks that his leaving is a very bad idea and she spent the last couple of days trying to talk-yell-him out of this decision. Obviously it didn’t work because he’s stubborn and he needs to lose weight.
He puts on a smile and tries to find the right words to make her understand that he’s not leaving for forever, that he’ll be alright. He’s tried explaining her all these things for the last couple of weeks. She just wouldn’t budge.
“I’m gonna miss you, too,” His mother looks up at him, her eyes reflecting all the love he’s always taken for granted, then her hands reach out and touch his cheeks. It’s a soft touch, and under different circumstances, this moment wouldn’t mean anything. However, he’s in an airport, waiting to leave to Europe, all by himself, and for the first time since he decided to do this, he almost agrees with his mom; this might be a bad idea.
“I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll tell you once again; time heals everything. You’ll see.” She kisses both his cheeks as she says this. Adam feels the rush of love wash through him. It’s been a while since he’s felt like this; loved, cherished.
“I know.” He removes himself from her arms, then takes his bag off the floor. “And mom,” He starts, gulping down the lump in his throat. He will not cry in front of her today. He’s done enough crying and whining to last him for two lifetimes. “Thank you. For everything.”
“Oh, Adam.” She hugs him again, this time so tight that it almost takes Adam’s breath away. “You have nothing to thank me for. I love you.”
“I should go. I don’t want to miss my flight. I love you.” He says instead of goodbye, then heads to the check in point.
2.
He arrives in London without his hairspray.
In vain he tried to explain to the lady at the check in point that he’s Adam Lambert and that the hairspray was really important to him because London is humid and it will make his hair look like shit, she just wouldn’t listen. She kept repeating shit like ‘standard procedure’ and ‘there are people waiting in line, sir’, until he couldn’t take it anymore and tossed the goddamn cosmetic product in the trashcan himself. He will look bad on his first day in London, but at least he kept his pride. Sort of. Whining and trying to bribe the lady doesn’t count.
Surprisingly enough, the weather in London is beautiful. It’s sunny outside, and maybe a little bit too warm for November. This kind of makes him happy and a little bit adventurous. Although he spent eight hours on the plane and another three in the airport, he doesn’t feel too tired, so he thinks that a walk through London would do him good. After all, the capital of the UK may be polluted and full of stuck up people, but it’s still in his top five places he’s always wanted to see.
3.
The good thing about Europe is that not many have actually heard about Adam Lambert, American Idol runner up and 'musical phenomenon'.
Walking on the streets without being recognized feels strange at first, almost like he hasn't spent most of his life as a wannabe musician, trying to make it big into the glamorous world of fame and success. For some unknown reason, the days when he wasn't famous seem so far away now. It's all like a dream, some kind of twisted Freudian theory in which he's the subject of a mad scientist's study. The thing that scares him the most is the fact that he's the scientist and the study all at once. He keeps questioning himself, putting himself under observation and criticizing his behavior and thoughts.
The things that not long ago seemed so natural and normal now make him feel ashamed. What the hell has happened to him? How the hell did he become this person? How the hell is being himself not enough anymore?
He thinks that maybe this is how fame should feel after a while. Maybe the glitz and the glamour does come with a price tag after all; and that's his life, his privacy and why not; his love life. And that's the reason why he had to get away from everything. That's why carrying on like that was not an option anymore.
His family and friends think that he ran away because of Kris, but that's not true. Not really. Kris is a fond memory that makes his heart ache at times. He remembers the things they used to do, the way they were together, how it felt to kiss him and how different it feels to kiss someone else. Kris is a part of him that he doesn’t want to sever because it helped him learn from his mistakes and made him understand that suffering is natural and it makes him human, but wallowing in self pity and being afraid to fall in love is not normal.
The reason why he ran away is because he was slowly turning into someone he hated. And maybe his separation with Kris brought its contribution to this situation, but if he was really honest with himself, there was so much more to this. This whole mess started a long time ago, it started that day when he admitted to himself and to his mom that he was gay, or when the owner of that shithole of a bar in West Hollywood told him that his voice won’t get him anywhere because it’s too dramatic and over-the-top, or maybe it started when Brad told him in that soft and almost patronizing way of his that things weren’t working out.
The problem is that he doesn’t even know how to define his situation. Everything is just a huge void inside of him, and it’s eating at him inside, like the plague, spreading through his body, and turning him into some kind of robot. He’s never been like this and the fact that he’s not able to find any kind of strength in him, scares the hell out of him.
Which is why he had to run away. Why he had to leave everything behind and start all over again, if only for a little while.
And maybe some people may think he’s turning his life into some kind of cliché about finding himself and all that shit that everyone keeps rambling about, but he doesn’t care. He just wants to find some kind of anchor that would help him start anew.
4.
He meets Frank in Germany at some kind of demonstration against immigration, or at least he thinks that this is what this whole mess is about. He may have been really good in theater and arts in general, but German has never been his strong point in school. It might have had something to do with that fact that he’s a Jew and the people who speak German are, well, German-he really can’t tell for sure. Not that he’s judgmental or anything. He likes German people, he even has a crush on the dude from Tokio Hotel-or maybe he just likes his hair.
The first thing he notices about Frank are his sad, empty eyes. They say that the eyes are a mirror to the soul, and if that’s true, then Frank has to be a very lonely man. He looks like someone who’s either lost everything or never had anything.
“You’re not from here.” Frank says instead of a hello.
His English is very good, which makes Adam think that he’s either a native speaker or someone who’s lived in an English speaking environment for a very long time. “I’m an American.”
Franks nods, before pulling a cigarette from his pocket. “Thought so. You stand out, you know? And you look kind of lost. I thought you could use someone to show you the ropes. Plus, I need a lighter and you look like someone who smokes.”
Adam shrugs. “I’m sorry, I don’t smoke, but I could use some help?” He’s a little bit wary of asking a remote stranger for help. After all, the man could be a psychopath or a serial killer.
“Eh, don’t we all?” Frank smiles softly at him. “I’m Frank, by the way, and I’m an American, too.”
“I’m Adam,” He smiles back in response. He doesn’t bother to ask Frank about his life; he doesn’t think it matters. This is probably the first and the last time he’ll ever see this man. He only needs some directions.
5.
He doesn’t know how this happened, but the beginning December finds him and Frank on a train to Serbia. Maybe this should be his queue to quit drinking because obviously, drinking makes him act stupidly and gets him into trouble.
He doesn’t have any idea when he bought the train tickets or why he didn’t buy plane tickets instead. All he remembers is a killer headache and Frank trying to wake him up-seriously he should stop drinking and do something useful with his life. Like call his assistant and tell her that he’s coming back to the States and start working on his next album. But then he thinks of the fact that he’ll have to deal with everything he’s running from and suddenly being friends with a social recluse and possible serial killer doesn’t seem like a bad idea anymore.
The next couple of hours are kind of a blur in his head; Frank practically dragging him to the nearest bus station, him falling in someone’s lap-he blames it on the damn German buses, not his hangover-throwing his guts out in a public restroom, while cursing Frank for letting him mix German beer with Russian vodka. Mixing German with Russian doesn’t work in politics and it certainly doesn’t work with alcohol either.
Somehow, however, they manage to catch the train to Belgrade, and although he doesn’t want to admit it to Frank, he’s quite surprised to realize that he’s a little bit excited about this journey-just a little bit, though and Frank doesn’t need to know anything about it
“I like European coke, better,” Frank says.
Adam opens his eyes, and the light from the compartment makes his head feel hurt, almost like it’s been split open. Twice. He winces at the pain. “Yeah?”
“It’s not as sweet. I like it.”
“Hm, I like sweet things better. That’s why I’m always struggling with my weight.”
“I swear, you’re worse than a woman!” Frank says with a laugh.
Adam laughs, too. Frank’s remark is not so far from the truth. Sometimes he thinks that he’s worse than a woman, too. He does like to dress up and go shopping, and he watches lots of chick flicks when he has time. Yeah, Frank’s most probably right.
He blows Frank a kiss, then goes back to sleep. He’s too hangover, so he’ll let Frank win this round.
6.
Frank hates really hates cold weather. That’s kind of funny because they’re in Russia right now and it’s the middle of winter.
Adam watches as he takes a good gulp of vodka and then another drag of his cigarette. He looks so frail like this, dressed in a fur coat that’s a little too big for him, his thin lips dry from the cold, his eyes lost and downcast.
“So, we already shared a bottle of vodka. I’m pretty sure that in some culture this means that we’re brothers now. You have to tell me what brought you to Europe. Wasn’t the American dream enough for you anymore?” He asks, his voice rough and a little shaky. Adam can’t tell for sure whether it’s because of the cold or the alcohol.
He sighs. He doesn’t know how to answer Frank’s question because it’s not just one thing that made him run away; it’s a sum of little things that somehow amassed into this huge thing he can’t understand.
“It’s a lot of things,” He says eventually. “It’s-uh-it’s me not realizing what I had until I lost that thing, I guess. I only realized what I was doing with my life after I lost the one I loved.”
“Oh,” He takes another drag from his cigar, his cheeks hollowing. It’s fascinating to Adam to watch this man. He’s so strange, so detached from the real world that it intrigues Adam.
“It’s a funny little thing, love.” He says with a bitter, almost sarcastic voice. “It’s like a woman on her period; moody, picky and capricious.”
Adam laughs. That’s quite an unexpected comparison. “You’re a strange man, Frank.”
“No, no,” He says shaking his forefinger, as if trying to prove a point. “It’s true. You know, I’ve always thought love was like a weed. The way it grew on the most arid lands, how no matter how much you tried to uproot it, it always grew back, stronger and even harder to uproot.”
In times like these, Adam would like to know how Frank’s brain works, how it jumps from one subject to another, or how it makes these kind of comparisons. He thinks that this is probably one of the most interesting things about this man, the fact that more often than not, he’s not aware of the world that surrounds him. He lives in his own little universe where running from one place to another is the perfect definition to sanity. Maybe it is, maybe anyone else who thinks otherwise is just insane.
“Hm, I’ve never actually had this view upon love.” He says with a smile. “But I don’t think you can just uproot someone from your life and from your heart.” He doesn’t say that he wishes this was possible, that he wants to find a way to uproot Kris from his heart. Maybe things would be better for him if he just managed to forget about Kris.
Frank shrugs, looking into the distance again. He does that sometimes, especially when he’s at a loss for words. “Maybe you are right.”
He doesn’t say anything for a while. He just plays with the lid of the vodka bottle as if this were the most interesting thing the world. Then, quite unexpectedly, he starts talking again, his voice so low that mixed with the music from the bar is incomprehensible. “What?” Adam asks.
Frank smiles in response. “I guess the only solution is to run. Set a destination in your head and run. And when you reach that destination, think of another one and start all over again. Don’t ever stop because if you do, then you’ll start thinking and everything will go down the drain. Run away from everything that reminds you of her.”
“Him. I’m gay,” Adam feels the need to correct. He expects Frank to make some disdainful comment about his sexuality, about how wrong and sinful his orientation is. Frank, however, only lights another cigarette in response.
“Same difference. Man or woman, you’re still heartbroken. You still feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and nothing feels like home anymore. No matter how much you try, you can’t find that one place where you belong, because you know, deep down, that home was where she was, but you were an idiot and you lost her.”
Adam doesn’t bother correcting Frank anymore. What point would it make?
It suddenly downs on him that this what he’s been doing all along, too. He’s been trying to forget. This whole trip wasn’t about solving himself, but about forgetting. “Is this what you’re running from?”
Frank doesn’t reply. He doesn’t need to. The answer is written all over his face.
7.
They’re in Cracow, Poland. Frank told him he’s always wanted to visit Poland and that he will not let cold weather stop him from this.
Adam just laughed and booked the train tickets to Warsaw. He hasn’t known Frank for too long, but he knows that that this man hates cold weather with a passion.
“You’re just looking for reasons to bitch about how sad your life is.”
Frank pouts at him. “I might die tomorrow. I have to see Poland while I’m still alive.”
“Ah, we’re getting fatalist again, are we.”
Frank just stuffs his hands in his in pockets, looking in the distance at the streets in front of them. Cracow might be really cold, but it’s really beautiful. Adam vaguely thinks that he’s visited this place last year, during his world tour. However, regardless of how much he tries, he can’t, for the life of him, remember anything specific about this city.
“I like to think that today is my last day.” Frank says with a laugh. This is the first time Adam has actually heard him laughing. It’s a little strange that he never noticed this fact before. “It’s a cliché, I know, but I’ve always liked clichés; they hide some very important truths.”
“Yeah? So this means you are completely satisfied with the life you have?” Adam asks. He finds it hard to believe that someone could be happy living a life like this; travelling from country to country, knowing that no one is waiting for you to come back home.
Frank looks at him with the same sad and lost eyes. “No, I’m not happy, but it’s better than staying in one place.”
“What are you running from Frank?”
Frank doesn’t say anything for a couple of moments. He just lights another cigarette, then takes a couple of drags from it.
“I don’t even know anymore. I’ve been running for so long, that I don’t know what I’m running from.” Frank says bitterly.
It’s a complete and utter lie. Adam knows enough about Frank to know that the man can’t lie to save his life. But he drops the subject. This is probably not the right moment to have this talk. He dimly thinks that the moment will never be just right to talk about Frank’s past. There will always be people around them, Frank will always be out of cigarettes, and it will always be too late or too early for these kind of conversations. Maybe it’s for the best, though; maybe not talking about the past is Frank’s way of dealing with everything.
“I’ve always wanted to see Auschwitz.” Adam says eventually, mostly because he wants to end the silence between them.
Frank laughs, his eyes lighting up for a small second. “That’s a sad place to visit.”
“I’m a Jew, Frank.”
“Well, I guess that makes sense. I’m not coming with you, though. I don’t feel comfortable in these kind of places. They make me sad.”
Adam smiles. Frank gets sad about pretty much everything. It’s his nature, just like Adam’s nature is buy expensive shoes and hair products.
8.
“I think we should part ways.” Frank says, taking a good gulp from his limoncello. Adam thinks this is the fanciest drink he’s ever seen Frank drink.
He should have seen it coming. Although Adam doesn’t know anything about Frank’s past, whether he’s always been the loner he is today or if something had changed him, he knows that Frank is not the kind of man to form friendships.
“I guess you’re right.” He says, and tries not to sound too disappointed. It doesn’t work. No matter how fucked up Frank is, he’s been Adam’s anchor for the last couple of weeks. What is he going to do all by himself?
“I like you Adam, and under different circumstances, I would have loved to be your friend, but I think that you need to be alone for a while and figure yourself out.”
“I know,” He looks down, his fingers tracing the pattern of the tablecloth. “But I’m scared, you know? I keep thinking that-and don’t take this the wrong way because you are an amazing person, but I’m scared that I’ll become like you one day; always running from myself.”
Franks smiles bitterly. “I wasn’t always like that, you know?” He doesn’t say anything for a while and Adam thinks that this conversation, like most of the conversations about Frank’s past, will go nowhere. However, quite unexpectedly, Frank starts talking again.
“I used to have the world at my feet. I was a successful lawyer, I had a wife who loved me-I had everything a man could ever wish for.” He laughs sarcastically. “But it wasn’t enough. The success wasn’t enough, my wife’s love wasn’t enough-nothing was enough. I wanted more-I don’t even know what I wanted at this point. Money and recognition, maybe? I holed myself up in work and before I knew it, I’d become a stranger to my wife. I was this sad, little man, who treated his own house like a hotel-never staying more than necessary. When I came back from work one day, my wife was waiting for me. She told me then and there that she wanted a divorce, that she couldn’t stay married to a stranger. Do you have any idea how strange she looked to me? It was like I didn’t know her. The woman I married was young and beautiful, but the woman standing in front of me looked so old and tired. I had no idea whether time had passed really fast or if something changed her beyond recognition.” He sighs as he says this and tosses a hand through his hair. He looks so exhausted. Adam suddenly wonders why he’s never noticed just how tired and fed-up with everything Frank looked.
“I never even tried to stop her from leaving. I just looked at her and did what I always did; shrug and leave. Two months later I found out that she died in a car accident. That was when it hit me-I was merely existing, always trying to please some people I hated, always in a quest for money and success. I had wasted 20 years of my life on something that didn’t mean anything to me-and I’d traded my wife over money and success. Turns out that wasn’t a very good deal because all the money in the world won’t bring her back.”
“I’m sorry,” And it’s a lame and stupid answer. He’d like to say something more, something more meaningful, but he just can’t seem to find the perfect combination of words that would express just how much he understands what Frank is going through.
Frank shrugs in response, and leaves to the bathroom.
Author: revontulet_iam
Beta: saar_fantasy . Thank you so much, bb!
Pairing: Kradam (duh)
Summary: Adam only takes one duffel bag on his trip to Europe
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction
Notes: So, I don't know if you guys remember that fic I couple of months ago about Adam being in a relationship with Kris although he was still in love with Brad. I started working on a sequel a while ago and it's almost completed. There's couple of details that need taking care of, and because I'm kind of stuck on scenes, I figured that posting the first part would help. Anyway, I hope you like it. Comments and concrit are always appreciated.
Note2: This is for saar_fantasy because she's so awesome :D
1.
Adam only takes one duffel bag on his trip to Europe. It’s surprising, and why not, disconcerting that he only took the bare necessities. He thinks mournfully about the Dior leather boots he hasn’t worn yet or his green D&G shirt that brings out his eyes. Maybe he should have packed these, too. After all, he might be heartbroken, but he’s still Adam Lambert, and he’s fabulous by definition, or so his fans think.
He tries to reason with the fact that he now has enough money to buy everything he wants and besides, this trip is not about making a fashion statement, but about getting away from it all, if only for a little while. It doesn’t work, though. He doesn’t know who he is anymore or how he should act. Everything is but a jumbled mess in his head right now, a strange version of Ariadne’s thread. The more he tries to fix the disaster that he’s made of his life, the harder it gets to untangle it.
“I’m gonna miss you so much,” His mother says, hugging him tightly. They’re in the airport and Adam would like to tell her that if he doesn’t leave soon, he’s going to miss his flight, but maybe this is all part of Leila’s elaborate plan to make him stay in LA and wallow a little more in self pity and eat gallons of expensive ice cream while watching reruns of Gossip Girl. She thinks that his leaving is a very bad idea and she spent the last couple of days trying to talk-yell-him out of this decision. Obviously it didn’t work because he’s stubborn and he needs to lose weight.
He puts on a smile and tries to find the right words to make her understand that he’s not leaving for forever, that he’ll be alright. He’s tried explaining her all these things for the last couple of weeks. She just wouldn’t budge.
“I’m gonna miss you, too,” His mother looks up at him, her eyes reflecting all the love he’s always taken for granted, then her hands reach out and touch his cheeks. It’s a soft touch, and under different circumstances, this moment wouldn’t mean anything. However, he’s in an airport, waiting to leave to Europe, all by himself, and for the first time since he decided to do this, he almost agrees with his mom; this might be a bad idea.
“I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll tell you once again; time heals everything. You’ll see.” She kisses both his cheeks as she says this. Adam feels the rush of love wash through him. It’s been a while since he’s felt like this; loved, cherished.
“I know.” He removes himself from her arms, then takes his bag off the floor. “And mom,” He starts, gulping down the lump in his throat. He will not cry in front of her today. He’s done enough crying and whining to last him for two lifetimes. “Thank you. For everything.”
“Oh, Adam.” She hugs him again, this time so tight that it almost takes Adam’s breath away. “You have nothing to thank me for. I love you.”
“I should go. I don’t want to miss my flight. I love you.” He says instead of goodbye, then heads to the check in point.
2.
He arrives in London without his hairspray.
In vain he tried to explain to the lady at the check in point that he’s Adam Lambert and that the hairspray was really important to him because London is humid and it will make his hair look like shit, she just wouldn’t listen. She kept repeating shit like ‘standard procedure’ and ‘there are people waiting in line, sir’, until he couldn’t take it anymore and tossed the goddamn cosmetic product in the trashcan himself. He will look bad on his first day in London, but at least he kept his pride. Sort of. Whining and trying to bribe the lady doesn’t count.
Surprisingly enough, the weather in London is beautiful. It’s sunny outside, and maybe a little bit too warm for November. This kind of makes him happy and a little bit adventurous. Although he spent eight hours on the plane and another three in the airport, he doesn’t feel too tired, so he thinks that a walk through London would do him good. After all, the capital of the UK may be polluted and full of stuck up people, but it’s still in his top five places he’s always wanted to see.
3.
The good thing about Europe is that not many have actually heard about Adam Lambert, American Idol runner up and 'musical phenomenon'.
Walking on the streets without being recognized feels strange at first, almost like he hasn't spent most of his life as a wannabe musician, trying to make it big into the glamorous world of fame and success. For some unknown reason, the days when he wasn't famous seem so far away now. It's all like a dream, some kind of twisted Freudian theory in which he's the subject of a mad scientist's study. The thing that scares him the most is the fact that he's the scientist and the study all at once. He keeps questioning himself, putting himself under observation and criticizing his behavior and thoughts.
The things that not long ago seemed so natural and normal now make him feel ashamed. What the hell has happened to him? How the hell did he become this person? How the hell is being himself not enough anymore?
He thinks that maybe this is how fame should feel after a while. Maybe the glitz and the glamour does come with a price tag after all; and that's his life, his privacy and why not; his love life. And that's the reason why he had to get away from everything. That's why carrying on like that was not an option anymore.
His family and friends think that he ran away because of Kris, but that's not true. Not really. Kris is a fond memory that makes his heart ache at times. He remembers the things they used to do, the way they were together, how it felt to kiss him and how different it feels to kiss someone else. Kris is a part of him that he doesn’t want to sever because it helped him learn from his mistakes and made him understand that suffering is natural and it makes him human, but wallowing in self pity and being afraid to fall in love is not normal.
The reason why he ran away is because he was slowly turning into someone he hated. And maybe his separation with Kris brought its contribution to this situation, but if he was really honest with himself, there was so much more to this. This whole mess started a long time ago, it started that day when he admitted to himself and to his mom that he was gay, or when the owner of that shithole of a bar in West Hollywood told him that his voice won’t get him anywhere because it’s too dramatic and over-the-top, or maybe it started when Brad told him in that soft and almost patronizing way of his that things weren’t working out.
The problem is that he doesn’t even know how to define his situation. Everything is just a huge void inside of him, and it’s eating at him inside, like the plague, spreading through his body, and turning him into some kind of robot. He’s never been like this and the fact that he’s not able to find any kind of strength in him, scares the hell out of him.
Which is why he had to run away. Why he had to leave everything behind and start all over again, if only for a little while.
And maybe some people may think he’s turning his life into some kind of cliché about finding himself and all that shit that everyone keeps rambling about, but he doesn’t care. He just wants to find some kind of anchor that would help him start anew.
4.
He meets Frank in Germany at some kind of demonstration against immigration, or at least he thinks that this is what this whole mess is about. He may have been really good in theater and arts in general, but German has never been his strong point in school. It might have had something to do with that fact that he’s a Jew and the people who speak German are, well, German-he really can’t tell for sure. Not that he’s judgmental or anything. He likes German people, he even has a crush on the dude from Tokio Hotel-or maybe he just likes his hair.
The first thing he notices about Frank are his sad, empty eyes. They say that the eyes are a mirror to the soul, and if that’s true, then Frank has to be a very lonely man. He looks like someone who’s either lost everything or never had anything.
“You’re not from here.” Frank says instead of a hello.
His English is very good, which makes Adam think that he’s either a native speaker or someone who’s lived in an English speaking environment for a very long time. “I’m an American.”
Franks nods, before pulling a cigarette from his pocket. “Thought so. You stand out, you know? And you look kind of lost. I thought you could use someone to show you the ropes. Plus, I need a lighter and you look like someone who smokes.”
Adam shrugs. “I’m sorry, I don’t smoke, but I could use some help?” He’s a little bit wary of asking a remote stranger for help. After all, the man could be a psychopath or a serial killer.
“Eh, don’t we all?” Frank smiles softly at him. “I’m Frank, by the way, and I’m an American, too.”
“I’m Adam,” He smiles back in response. He doesn’t bother to ask Frank about his life; he doesn’t think it matters. This is probably the first and the last time he’ll ever see this man. He only needs some directions.
5.
He doesn’t know how this happened, but the beginning December finds him and Frank on a train to Serbia. Maybe this should be his queue to quit drinking because obviously, drinking makes him act stupidly and gets him into trouble.
He doesn’t have any idea when he bought the train tickets or why he didn’t buy plane tickets instead. All he remembers is a killer headache and Frank trying to wake him up-seriously he should stop drinking and do something useful with his life. Like call his assistant and tell her that he’s coming back to the States and start working on his next album. But then he thinks of the fact that he’ll have to deal with everything he’s running from and suddenly being friends with a social recluse and possible serial killer doesn’t seem like a bad idea anymore.
The next couple of hours are kind of a blur in his head; Frank practically dragging him to the nearest bus station, him falling in someone’s lap-he blames it on the damn German buses, not his hangover-throwing his guts out in a public restroom, while cursing Frank for letting him mix German beer with Russian vodka. Mixing German with Russian doesn’t work in politics and it certainly doesn’t work with alcohol either.
Somehow, however, they manage to catch the train to Belgrade, and although he doesn’t want to admit it to Frank, he’s quite surprised to realize that he’s a little bit excited about this journey-just a little bit, though and Frank doesn’t need to know anything about it
“I like European coke, better,” Frank says.
Adam opens his eyes, and the light from the compartment makes his head feel hurt, almost like it’s been split open. Twice. He winces at the pain. “Yeah?”
“It’s not as sweet. I like it.”
“Hm, I like sweet things better. That’s why I’m always struggling with my weight.”
“I swear, you’re worse than a woman!” Frank says with a laugh.
Adam laughs, too. Frank’s remark is not so far from the truth. Sometimes he thinks that he’s worse than a woman, too. He does like to dress up and go shopping, and he watches lots of chick flicks when he has time. Yeah, Frank’s most probably right.
He blows Frank a kiss, then goes back to sleep. He’s too hangover, so he’ll let Frank win this round.
6.
Frank hates really hates cold weather. That’s kind of funny because they’re in Russia right now and it’s the middle of winter.
Adam watches as he takes a good gulp of vodka and then another drag of his cigarette. He looks so frail like this, dressed in a fur coat that’s a little too big for him, his thin lips dry from the cold, his eyes lost and downcast.
“So, we already shared a bottle of vodka. I’m pretty sure that in some culture this means that we’re brothers now. You have to tell me what brought you to Europe. Wasn’t the American dream enough for you anymore?” He asks, his voice rough and a little shaky. Adam can’t tell for sure whether it’s because of the cold or the alcohol.
He sighs. He doesn’t know how to answer Frank’s question because it’s not just one thing that made him run away; it’s a sum of little things that somehow amassed into this huge thing he can’t understand.
“It’s a lot of things,” He says eventually. “It’s-uh-it’s me not realizing what I had until I lost that thing, I guess. I only realized what I was doing with my life after I lost the one I loved.”
“Oh,” He takes another drag from his cigar, his cheeks hollowing. It’s fascinating to Adam to watch this man. He’s so strange, so detached from the real world that it intrigues Adam.
“It’s a funny little thing, love.” He says with a bitter, almost sarcastic voice. “It’s like a woman on her period; moody, picky and capricious.”
Adam laughs. That’s quite an unexpected comparison. “You’re a strange man, Frank.”
“No, no,” He says shaking his forefinger, as if trying to prove a point. “It’s true. You know, I’ve always thought love was like a weed. The way it grew on the most arid lands, how no matter how much you tried to uproot it, it always grew back, stronger and even harder to uproot.”
In times like these, Adam would like to know how Frank’s brain works, how it jumps from one subject to another, or how it makes these kind of comparisons. He thinks that this is probably one of the most interesting things about this man, the fact that more often than not, he’s not aware of the world that surrounds him. He lives in his own little universe where running from one place to another is the perfect definition to sanity. Maybe it is, maybe anyone else who thinks otherwise is just insane.
“Hm, I’ve never actually had this view upon love.” He says with a smile. “But I don’t think you can just uproot someone from your life and from your heart.” He doesn’t say that he wishes this was possible, that he wants to find a way to uproot Kris from his heart. Maybe things would be better for him if he just managed to forget about Kris.
Frank shrugs, looking into the distance again. He does that sometimes, especially when he’s at a loss for words. “Maybe you are right.”
He doesn’t say anything for a while. He just plays with the lid of the vodka bottle as if this were the most interesting thing the world. Then, quite unexpectedly, he starts talking again, his voice so low that mixed with the music from the bar is incomprehensible. “What?” Adam asks.
Frank smiles in response. “I guess the only solution is to run. Set a destination in your head and run. And when you reach that destination, think of another one and start all over again. Don’t ever stop because if you do, then you’ll start thinking and everything will go down the drain. Run away from everything that reminds you of her.”
“Him. I’m gay,” Adam feels the need to correct. He expects Frank to make some disdainful comment about his sexuality, about how wrong and sinful his orientation is. Frank, however, only lights another cigarette in response.
“Same difference. Man or woman, you’re still heartbroken. You still feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and nothing feels like home anymore. No matter how much you try, you can’t find that one place where you belong, because you know, deep down, that home was where she was, but you were an idiot and you lost her.”
Adam doesn’t bother correcting Frank anymore. What point would it make?
It suddenly downs on him that this what he’s been doing all along, too. He’s been trying to forget. This whole trip wasn’t about solving himself, but about forgetting. “Is this what you’re running from?”
Frank doesn’t reply. He doesn’t need to. The answer is written all over his face.
7.
They’re in Cracow, Poland. Frank told him he’s always wanted to visit Poland and that he will not let cold weather stop him from this.
Adam just laughed and booked the train tickets to Warsaw. He hasn’t known Frank for too long, but he knows that that this man hates cold weather with a passion.
“You’re just looking for reasons to bitch about how sad your life is.”
Frank pouts at him. “I might die tomorrow. I have to see Poland while I’m still alive.”
“Ah, we’re getting fatalist again, are we.”
Frank just stuffs his hands in his in pockets, looking in the distance at the streets in front of them. Cracow might be really cold, but it’s really beautiful. Adam vaguely thinks that he’s visited this place last year, during his world tour. However, regardless of how much he tries, he can’t, for the life of him, remember anything specific about this city.
“I like to think that today is my last day.” Frank says with a laugh. This is the first time Adam has actually heard him laughing. It’s a little strange that he never noticed this fact before. “It’s a cliché, I know, but I’ve always liked clichés; they hide some very important truths.”
“Yeah? So this means you are completely satisfied with the life you have?” Adam asks. He finds it hard to believe that someone could be happy living a life like this; travelling from country to country, knowing that no one is waiting for you to come back home.
Frank looks at him with the same sad and lost eyes. “No, I’m not happy, but it’s better than staying in one place.”
“What are you running from Frank?”
Frank doesn’t say anything for a couple of moments. He just lights another cigarette, then takes a couple of drags from it.
“I don’t even know anymore. I’ve been running for so long, that I don’t know what I’m running from.” Frank says bitterly.
It’s a complete and utter lie. Adam knows enough about Frank to know that the man can’t lie to save his life. But he drops the subject. This is probably not the right moment to have this talk. He dimly thinks that the moment will never be just right to talk about Frank’s past. There will always be people around them, Frank will always be out of cigarettes, and it will always be too late or too early for these kind of conversations. Maybe it’s for the best, though; maybe not talking about the past is Frank’s way of dealing with everything.
“I’ve always wanted to see Auschwitz.” Adam says eventually, mostly because he wants to end the silence between them.
Frank laughs, his eyes lighting up for a small second. “That’s a sad place to visit.”
“I’m a Jew, Frank.”
“Well, I guess that makes sense. I’m not coming with you, though. I don’t feel comfortable in these kind of places. They make me sad.”
Adam smiles. Frank gets sad about pretty much everything. It’s his nature, just like Adam’s nature is buy expensive shoes and hair products.
8.
“I think we should part ways.” Frank says, taking a good gulp from his limoncello. Adam thinks this is the fanciest drink he’s ever seen Frank drink.
He should have seen it coming. Although Adam doesn’t know anything about Frank’s past, whether he’s always been the loner he is today or if something had changed him, he knows that Frank is not the kind of man to form friendships.
“I guess you’re right.” He says, and tries not to sound too disappointed. It doesn’t work. No matter how fucked up Frank is, he’s been Adam’s anchor for the last couple of weeks. What is he going to do all by himself?
“I like you Adam, and under different circumstances, I would have loved to be your friend, but I think that you need to be alone for a while and figure yourself out.”
“I know,” He looks down, his fingers tracing the pattern of the tablecloth. “But I’m scared, you know? I keep thinking that-and don’t take this the wrong way because you are an amazing person, but I’m scared that I’ll become like you one day; always running from myself.”
Franks smiles bitterly. “I wasn’t always like that, you know?” He doesn’t say anything for a while and Adam thinks that this conversation, like most of the conversations about Frank’s past, will go nowhere. However, quite unexpectedly, Frank starts talking again.
“I used to have the world at my feet. I was a successful lawyer, I had a wife who loved me-I had everything a man could ever wish for.” He laughs sarcastically. “But it wasn’t enough. The success wasn’t enough, my wife’s love wasn’t enough-nothing was enough. I wanted more-I don’t even know what I wanted at this point. Money and recognition, maybe? I holed myself up in work and before I knew it, I’d become a stranger to my wife. I was this sad, little man, who treated his own house like a hotel-never staying more than necessary. When I came back from work one day, my wife was waiting for me. She told me then and there that she wanted a divorce, that she couldn’t stay married to a stranger. Do you have any idea how strange she looked to me? It was like I didn’t know her. The woman I married was young and beautiful, but the woman standing in front of me looked so old and tired. I had no idea whether time had passed really fast or if something changed her beyond recognition.” He sighs as he says this and tosses a hand through his hair. He looks so exhausted. Adam suddenly wonders why he’s never noticed just how tired and fed-up with everything Frank looked.
“I never even tried to stop her from leaving. I just looked at her and did what I always did; shrug and leave. Two months later I found out that she died in a car accident. That was when it hit me-I was merely existing, always trying to please some people I hated, always in a quest for money and success. I had wasted 20 years of my life on something that didn’t mean anything to me-and I’d traded my wife over money and success. Turns out that wasn’t a very good deal because all the money in the world won’t bring her back.”
“I’m sorry,” And it’s a lame and stupid answer. He’d like to say something more, something more meaningful, but he just can’t seem to find the perfect combination of words that would express just how much he understands what Frank is going through.
Frank shrugs in response, and leaves to the bathroom.