Losing my religion - Part 2/3
17
He constantly tells himself that he’s all right. He spends most of his free time with his friends and band mates. He laughs all the time, sometimes a little bit too much, he jokes around and smiles when he has to. No one notices the mask he puts on every single day, or if they do, they never call him on it. He finds this fact relieving and sad all at once.
Maybe he’s so good an actor that not even his closest and oldest friends can see behind the façade of nonchalance. There are days when he even manages to fool himself, too. He sings to his fans, signs autographs, goes out to dance and get drunk and it all feels good. All these things give him the impression of happiness, but it’s all a lie of which he is so very much aware. No matter how much he tries, the minute he finds himself alone, he starts feeling afraid and lonely, which should be odd, because he’s constantly surrounded by people, only it doesn’t seem like that. Those people, though they’re all dear to him, don’t understand him, not like Kris did anyway.
Kris doesn’t answer his calls anymore. Doesn’t even reply to the gazillion of texts and e-mails Adam sends him on a regular basis. Sometimes Adam wonders why he’s still bothering. If Kris doesn’t want him anymore, then fine, he can find another Kris easily, a better one, who doesn’t leave dirty socks on the bedroom floor, or who looks ridiculous in Adam’s shirts. He just has to snap his fingers and men will line up to be with him.
The biggest problem is that he doesn’t want some random guy. He wants Kris, with his stupid hair, and his quirky smile. Why wants him so much, he can’t explain It’s all a jumbled mess in his head right now, and each time he tries to make some sense of this whole situation, it only gets more confusing. He doesn’t love Kris, does he? And if he does, then what should he do? Kris doesn’t seem to love him anymore.
His phone buzzes in his pocket and his heart suddenly skips a beat. He takes it out with his eyes closed and prays to every god that it’s Kris.
He smiles bitterly as he opens the message and sees that it’s from Brad. ‘Hey, are you alright?’
‘Yes’ He types back, then throws the phone on the heap of clothes lying on the floor, and closes his eyes again. He needs more sleep. And besides, Kris is probably busy with recording or maybe he needs some time to figure himself out. Kris asked Adam to never doubt his love, so really, Adam has nothing to worry about.
With this final thought, he falls asleep, a small smile flitting across his features. The fact that he goes to sleep with the same hopes and delusions every night is inconsequential right now.
18
There’s glitter everywhere. People are screaming his name and somewhere in the hall there’s someone laughing at something someone else has said. He should feel good, over the moon even. After all, this is all he has ever wanted: to be on stage and prove every single narrow-minded moron that he deserves to be a part of this industry. He’s more talented than most of the second hand singers who call themselves artists, but can’t for the life of them sing a song without auto-tune. And yet he is sitting in yet another dressing room staring at his phone and waiting for it to ring.
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair as he realizes that Kris won’t call tonight either. He hasn’t called once since Adam left on tour, never even replied to Adam’s a text messages or e-mails. It hurts like a bitch to think that Kris might have forgotten him, that he doesn’t love him anymore. It makes him feel useless and disposable and if he would see Kris he would tell him all those things.
There’s a voice inside of him telling him that he should keep on trying, that Kris is far too important to give him up that easily. Just throw his pride out the door and do some sappy romantic gesture and get Kris back. But he can’t. He’s too afraid that Kris will tell him that he’s sick and tired of waiting, that he has found someone else. This fear has been a constant companion for weeks and weeks. The slight possibility that Kris stopped loving him scares the hell out of Adam.
A knock on the door startles him. He raises his head and smiles as he sees Allison. She looks happy and excited. He realizes that he should feel the same too. And still, strange as it may sound, he’s not happy. He’s numb. The beauty of this new life he is living is shadowed by the fact that he can’t share it with Kris. He longs to tell his boyfriend how amazing it feels to be able to sing for thousands of people every night. It’s unsettling how much he craves to hear Kris’ voice, how much he wants to hear his easy laughter, to drown into brown eyes and find solace into their kindness.
“My god,” She starts, her voice full of glee. “Do you hear them? This is awesome, man. I can’t even wrap my head around how awesome this is. I wish for this tour to never end.”
“Yeah,” He replies and tries to find the force to look happy. “It’s awesome.”
She tilts her head and looks at him strangely, then she walks up to him. “Hey,” She says, her fingers on his chin, forcing him to look up. In times like this, it feels like she is the one who should protect him and not the other way around. It’s pathetic that a seventeen year-old girl is taking care of his emotional problems. “What’s wrong?”
“Have you talked to Kris recently?” He asks, looking down. He doesn’t dare to look at Allison. Even though she is one of the most open-minded people he knows, he’s not sure she can understand how he feels.
She takes his hand and strokes it gently. “Yeah, I called him yesterday. We talked for a little while, but he had to go. He said he’ll call back, but he didn’t. I guess he forgot.”
“Oh,”
“Listen, Adam. You should tell him how you feel. One day he will realize that he has waited enough for you and he will leave. Fight for him.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
He looks at her and his breath catches for a moment as he sees the knowing smile on her face. Maybe it’s the makeup or the clothes, but she looks so mature.
19
He listens to the song over and over again, trying to figure out what is missing. Although he has no intentions of putting this track on his album, he still wants to record it, see how it sounds and if it will make him feel less heartbroken. The thing is, no matter how much he tries, something doesn’t quite fit. The lyrics are beautifully written, deep and meaningful, with a message that everyone could relate to. The melody is soft and intimate, yet achingly sad. The song should sound beautiful, yet for some unknown reason, it all sounds so inappropriately wrong it almost gives him a headache.
He wrote the song a couple of months ago, right after he left Adam’s house. It should have been some sort of tribute to what has been between him and Adam, some kind of light in the mist of sadness that surrounded him ever since. The thing is, regardless of how much he tries to give it a more positive meaning, he can’t for the life of him figure out how to do so. What can he do to feel less heartbroken? What words should he use to convince himself that he will be alright in the end, that he will get over Adam and fall in love again?
He thinks of the last couple of months, of how strange they have been. Even if cutting Adam from his life has been a cowardice move, he knows it was the right thing to do. He would have gone mad with jealousy and insecurity if things continued the way they did.
The biggest problem is that regardless of how much he tries, he can’t cut Adam completely from his life. They have spent so much time together, that their lives somehow intermingled. Most of his friends are also friends with Adam, so in order to forget Adam he had to cut every connection he had with these people. Although during the last couple of months he became a loner, he could say that the time he spent alone has helped him a lot. He managed to put things into a new perspective and think of what he should do next with his life.
“Have you thought playing the piano instead of the guitar?” Rob asks, smiling at Kris. He smiles back because frowning would probably be rude. Even if Rob seems like a really cool and talented guy, Kris can’t accept his help. He can’t explain why. He just knows it would feel wrong to have a complete stranger work with him on such a personal song.
“I don’t know. I think the acoustic guitar is the best choice. It’s more intimate like this, you know. I just need to figure out some things, but I’m sure it will work out in the end.” He doesn’t tell Rob that he doesn’t intend this song to be on the album. There’s no need for him to know this insignificant detail as it would probably lead to him having to give explanations he doesn’t want to give.
Rob raises his hands in defense, then laughs boisterously. “As you say, boss. It was just a suggestion. By the way, I have an extra ticket for the Lakers’ game. Do you want to come?”
“Why?” Although this may be the dumbest question he managed to come up with in a very long time, it makes a lot of sense in his head. Why would someone want to spend time with him when he’s so quiet and anti-social all the time?
Rob shrugs. “I don’t know. I heard you say the other day that you were a Lakers fan, and someone gave me these tickets, and since none of my friends want to go, I figured you might like to come. The seats aren’t great, but I promise, I’m a funny guy and I won’t steal your food.”
“So I’m the rebound, huh?”
“Well, okay. I think it’s better if I come clean. I didn’t ask any of my friends to come with me. I didn’t want to come off as desperate. Thanks for blowing my cover.”
Kris laughs. “Promise to share your food with me?”
“You can have it all. I’m on a diet anyway.”
“How could I resist such an offer?” He says with a soft smile. He will not deny that he’s scared of Rob’s attention. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to be with another man. The wounds are still open and after what happened between him and Adam, he’s not sure if he can let in anyone so soon.
The more perverse side of him tells him to just go for it and break Rob’s heart. Maybe this would make him feel less heartbroken.
“Great. I’ll call you to give you all the details.”