Re-Finding Yourself
I've been comparing myself to others a lot lately. Trying to get inspired, trying to find a role model, or just practicing useless envy. I feel I've lost my identity somehow. I often have been showing signs of being mean, disinterested, hostile, and pessimistic. I'd like to think those are not my true colors that have just been waiting 26 years to develop into my full blown personality. I'd like to believe that maybe I'm just unhappy. I am not doing what I want to be doing and it's really affecting me.
I'm unsure my career is headed in the direction I want it to. It could be, or I could be getting more deeply into a department I don't want to be at for the long-term. My long commute means I'm more tied to my job and I feel like I have no time.
I know the grass is always greener on the other side and there were a lot of times I was really miserable in Illinois, especially towards the end. The winters were getting harder to live through and I miss seeing my friends and family often. I did complain about my job a lot there. But there were a lot of things I liked. I liked how flexible my work was. We got 14 paid holidays, an international environment, a flexible schedule where I could work from home when needed, leave for doctor's appointments without feeling guilty, and schedule vacations without everyone and their dogs knowing it and taking record of it. I eventually lived close to work and to an excellent gym where I spent most of my time.
Moving back was initially great... until I got the job. I got to see my friends, go at my own pace, and spent time with my mom. Now my social life still is there, but that and the job takes away from my home life. But I don't want to change it because I do love my social life - why can't I have both? Maybe I'm getting older and slower, but going at my own pace means a lot to me now. I really hate waking up at 6/7 in the morning and going to bed at 10 but rarely succeeding at it. I love coming home and hate going to bed . I know maybe living closer to work during the week may change my life, but it also means I don't get to be home.
Not being in a committed relationship after 4 years is also rough. I've been single most of my life and while I've always hoped to find a guy and daydreamed and crushed easily, I've always enjoyed my independence. It's time to do that again and find myself some new hobbies.
Drinking tea and watching Bachelorette was really enjoyable tonight.
I'm unsure my career is headed in the direction I want it to. It could be, or I could be getting more deeply into a department I don't want to be at for the long-term. My long commute means I'm more tied to my job and I feel like I have no time.
I know the grass is always greener on the other side and there were a lot of times I was really miserable in Illinois, especially towards the end. The winters were getting harder to live through and I miss seeing my friends and family often. I did complain about my job a lot there. But there were a lot of things I liked. I liked how flexible my work was. We got 14 paid holidays, an international environment, a flexible schedule where I could work from home when needed, leave for doctor's appointments without feeling guilty, and schedule vacations without everyone and their dogs knowing it and taking record of it. I eventually lived close to work and to an excellent gym where I spent most of my time.
Moving back was initially great... until I got the job. I got to see my friends, go at my own pace, and spent time with my mom. Now my social life still is there, but that and the job takes away from my home life. But I don't want to change it because I do love my social life - why can't I have both? Maybe I'm getting older and slower, but going at my own pace means a lot to me now. I really hate waking up at 6/7 in the morning and going to bed at 10 but rarely succeeding at it. I love coming home and hate going to bed . I know maybe living closer to work during the week may change my life, but it also means I don't get to be home.
Not being in a committed relationship after 4 years is also rough. I've been single most of my life and while I've always hoped to find a guy and daydreamed and crushed easily, I've always enjoyed my independence. It's time to do that again and find myself some new hobbies.
Drinking tea and watching Bachelorette was really enjoyable tonight.