Rev. Joe For President!
I have decided to run for President in 2004 (pending, of course, my fake ID that says I'm old enough to run).
I gladly accept the nomination of the newly-formed Guilty Party, which as of this minute has two members, Maggie and myself. We decided that Maggie can't run because she can't shake hands with voters, so I'm the logical choice. It was a landslide victory.
People may ask me, "Joe, why should we vote for you? You have no chance of winning!" Well I just don't see the benefit of having voted for 'the guy who won'. If you vote for me, you'll look all punk-rock and pretentious at the coffee-houses. People will know you're into some heavy shit. They'll talk about you behind your back.
The Guilty Party is neither liberal nor conservative. We seek only to set people free and to dismantle the machinery that has been fucking you in the ass for years.
If I am elected, I will immediately perform the following tasks:
Immediately pardon all non-violent drug offenders. There's no reason why America should have the highest prisoner population in the world. These people harm nobody but themselves. Let them go home.
Bring all of our troops home and withdraw from all international alliances and treaties. Let other countries take care of themselves. They can do it. If you want to help protect Japan or hunt terrorists in Afghanistan, go do it on your own dime. Without the United States playing world bully, other countries will not perceive us as a threat. No amount of meddling in other people's affairs is worth endangering all of our lives.
Immediately pay down the national debt and enact legislation that forbids Congress from borrowing any money in the future. In order to do this, we need money. Let's sell off all the national parks to people who will take care of them. Let's sell the US Postal Service to FedEx. Let's stop welfare to all foreign despots and all private corporations. Let people fuck up on their own dime. Let's demand payment of $500 billion from the state of Israel in return for all the wars we've fought on their behalf. If they refuse, start selling sophisticated military hardware to the Palestinian Authority, starting with machine guns and moving upwards every week payment is not made. Sell the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to Ralph Nader for $100 billion. Sell Guantanamo to Cuba, and every overseas military base to those who rightfully own that land. Sell NASA and the National Endowment for the Arts to private individuals.
Dismantle all the garbage. Eliminate the Department of Education and give the schools back to the states where they belong. Reduce the military by 75% and station them at only in places where we expect an invasion to occur. Abolish the INS and let people live wherever they want to live. Abolish slavery by dismantling the Selective Service System. Revive the Constitution in all its glory. Eliminate the Department of Homeland Security and hire porn stars to gang-bang John Ashcroft. End the Drug War. End the War on Also-Terrorists. Abolish the income tax. End all social welfare. Send everyone their Social Security payments back with instructions on how to invest wisely in the economy. Along with their tax refunds, send everyone a pamphlet on how to give wisely to charity that will get people out of poverty, rather than encourage it. Stop all funding to the CIA. Send them Hardy Boys novels instead. If they want to spy, learn how to spy without murdering people.
My cabinet would be:
Vice-President Harry Browne
Secretary of State Clint Eastwood
Attorney General King Buzzo
Secretary of Defense Matt Groening
Secretary of the Interior Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin
Secretary of Health of Human Services Hunter S. Thompson
National Security Advisor Ice T
Press Secretary Lewis Black
I will work from 2:00 in the afternoon until 5:00 in the afternoon, with a short break for tea and scones at 3:30. I will ravish all of my interns and secretaries. I will smoke hashish with foreign diplomats and occasionally walk down to the Reflecting Pool and take a piss in it. I will paint the Washington Monument mauve and the Lincoln Memorial lime green.
Every day I will send out a mass email explaining what I did that day, how many bills I vetoed, and why I did so. I will also send out dirty jokes, pictures of me in my underwear, and the latest chain letters.
I will hire three independent groups, the Rand Institute, the Cato Institute, and the NSA, to perform independent, comprehensive studies on how much money is being wasted by Congress and on what. If people are going to have half their paycheck eaten up by taxes, they ought to know who's doing the eating.
Should there be an opening in the Supreme Court, I will appoint any middle-school student who can read plain English.
And then I will go to Disneyworld, without having to wait in line at any of the rides. I've always wanted to make love in Space Mountain.
Your future president,
Rev. Joe
I gladly accept the nomination of the newly-formed Guilty Party, which as of this minute has two members, Maggie and myself. We decided that Maggie can't run because she can't shake hands with voters, so I'm the logical choice. It was a landslide victory.
People may ask me, "Joe, why should we vote for you? You have no chance of winning!" Well I just don't see the benefit of having voted for 'the guy who won'. If you vote for me, you'll look all punk-rock and pretentious at the coffee-houses. People will know you're into some heavy shit. They'll talk about you behind your back.
The Guilty Party is neither liberal nor conservative. We seek only to set people free and to dismantle the machinery that has been fucking you in the ass for years.
If I am elected, I will immediately perform the following tasks:
Immediately pardon all non-violent drug offenders. There's no reason why America should have the highest prisoner population in the world. These people harm nobody but themselves. Let them go home.
Bring all of our troops home and withdraw from all international alliances and treaties. Let other countries take care of themselves. They can do it. If you want to help protect Japan or hunt terrorists in Afghanistan, go do it on your own dime. Without the United States playing world bully, other countries will not perceive us as a threat. No amount of meddling in other people's affairs is worth endangering all of our lives.
Immediately pay down the national debt and enact legislation that forbids Congress from borrowing any money in the future. In order to do this, we need money. Let's sell off all the national parks to people who will take care of them. Let's sell the US Postal Service to FedEx. Let's stop welfare to all foreign despots and all private corporations. Let people fuck up on their own dime. Let's demand payment of $500 billion from the state of Israel in return for all the wars we've fought on their behalf. If they refuse, start selling sophisticated military hardware to the Palestinian Authority, starting with machine guns and moving upwards every week payment is not made. Sell the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to Ralph Nader for $100 billion. Sell Guantanamo to Cuba, and every overseas military base to those who rightfully own that land. Sell NASA and the National Endowment for the Arts to private individuals.
Dismantle all the garbage. Eliminate the Department of Education and give the schools back to the states where they belong. Reduce the military by 75% and station them at only in places where we expect an invasion to occur. Abolish the INS and let people live wherever they want to live. Abolish slavery by dismantling the Selective Service System. Revive the Constitution in all its glory. Eliminate the Department of Homeland Security and hire porn stars to gang-bang John Ashcroft. End the Drug War. End the War on Also-Terrorists. Abolish the income tax. End all social welfare. Send everyone their Social Security payments back with instructions on how to invest wisely in the economy. Along with their tax refunds, send everyone a pamphlet on how to give wisely to charity that will get people out of poverty, rather than encourage it. Stop all funding to the CIA. Send them Hardy Boys novels instead. If they want to spy, learn how to spy without murdering people.
My cabinet would be:
Vice-President Harry Browne
Secretary of State Clint Eastwood
Attorney General King Buzzo
Secretary of Defense Matt Groening
Secretary of the Interior Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin
Secretary of Health of Human Services Hunter S. Thompson
National Security Advisor Ice T
Press Secretary Lewis Black
I will work from 2:00 in the afternoon until 5:00 in the afternoon, with a short break for tea and scones at 3:30. I will ravish all of my interns and secretaries. I will smoke hashish with foreign diplomats and occasionally walk down to the Reflecting Pool and take a piss in it. I will paint the Washington Monument mauve and the Lincoln Memorial lime green.
Every day I will send out a mass email explaining what I did that day, how many bills I vetoed, and why I did so. I will also send out dirty jokes, pictures of me in my underwear, and the latest chain letters.
I will hire three independent groups, the Rand Institute, the Cato Institute, and the NSA, to perform independent, comprehensive studies on how much money is being wasted by Congress and on what. If people are going to have half their paycheck eaten up by taxes, they ought to know who's doing the eating.
Should there be an opening in the Supreme Court, I will appoint any middle-school student who can read plain English.
And then I will go to Disneyworld, without having to wait in line at any of the rides. I've always wanted to make love in Space Mountain.
Your future president,
Rev. Joe