So many things...
It's hard. It's really really hard.
But yet it's so much fun at the same time.
Is that how it goes? The more you do, the more you experience, the more fun you have, is it worth the price of missing past fabulous times and situations that you know you can never have back again?
I had such a fun time tonight, with friends on campus. Jesus has given me absolutely everything I have asked of Him. Well, except for my guy, but that is coming in His perfect time. But friends, good, fun, quality friends have come finally for me here at Central. And I really am enjoying my time with them!
But then I watched Grant's videos, of me and Audrey playing guitar, and he shot luci in one of the shots, and Ian singing the jungle cruise song and... I remember sitting there, I can feel it as if it were only a moment ago. I remember the feeling of the people next to me, the fun and excitement, the atmosphere, as if I just blinked and then it was months gone past. I feel like I could easily just step into it again, and then I remember how far away it is, how long ago it was, and how much has changed.
i know i will never be in that world again. Well, not exactly that world simply because I will never be there with all of them again. And even if we are, it's not the same. Things have changed, people have changed, and atleast i know i have grown so much since last summer.
And there's a part of me that just misses it so much. So much, it almost feels as if my heart would break if I didn't have Jesus holding it. If I didn't have Jesus. If i didn't have Him, my heart would break over this wonderful, lovely times He blessed and allowed me to experience that i know I will never get again.
I love those people. I still do, so, so much. I care for them more than i think they know, and I pray for them a lot. I just miss terribly being in that world. But i can't go back, and I wouldn't go back.
I am really really really happy with where I am right now. and who I am. And how close I am getting to Jesus. I am seeing him a lot clearer. And hearing him clearer, but what's exciting me the most is I am seeing Him clearer. Maybe someday I will be able to draw Him, a drawing that will do Him justice. Someday.
I can't go back. Not as if I want to but time is restricting me, but because even if I could somehow go back and live in that world forever, I would be miserable. Because that's not where God wants me to be.
But i still miss it. And I still miss them. And I just really, deeply, and truly wish I could be a bigger blessing to those I knew down there than I was. I believe I was a blessing to them, but I wish I could have helped them more, shown them moreso the way to Him, and the way to peace. I pray I did everything He wanted me to. I care about them so much. I just want them to find Him.
God told me it's ok to miss them. I know I'm OK in this. But it's still like a dull, throbbing ache pulling my heart back to those times.
Atleast time is healing the sharp pain that used to be associated with those memories. Perhaps someday I will be able to look back with no feeling at all of disgust or repulsion, no feeling at all of loss. It's alot fainter now than it was. Maybe someday it will be gone completely, and all i'll be left with are the sweet, wonderful, lovely memories of a time I will never be able to get back to.
It's always a mixture of bitter/sweet. Why is it always a mixture?
But yet it's so much fun at the same time.
Is that how it goes? The more you do, the more you experience, the more fun you have, is it worth the price of missing past fabulous times and situations that you know you can never have back again?
I had such a fun time tonight, with friends on campus. Jesus has given me absolutely everything I have asked of Him. Well, except for my guy, but that is coming in His perfect time. But friends, good, fun, quality friends have come finally for me here at Central. And I really am enjoying my time with them!
But then I watched Grant's videos, of me and Audrey playing guitar, and he shot luci in one of the shots, and Ian singing the jungle cruise song and... I remember sitting there, I can feel it as if it were only a moment ago. I remember the feeling of the people next to me, the fun and excitement, the atmosphere, as if I just blinked and then it was months gone past. I feel like I could easily just step into it again, and then I remember how far away it is, how long ago it was, and how much has changed.
i know i will never be in that world again. Well, not exactly that world simply because I will never be there with all of them again. And even if we are, it's not the same. Things have changed, people have changed, and atleast i know i have grown so much since last summer.
And there's a part of me that just misses it so much. So much, it almost feels as if my heart would break if I didn't have Jesus holding it. If I didn't have Jesus. If i didn't have Him, my heart would break over this wonderful, lovely times He blessed and allowed me to experience that i know I will never get again.
I love those people. I still do, so, so much. I care for them more than i think they know, and I pray for them a lot. I just miss terribly being in that world. But i can't go back, and I wouldn't go back.
I am really really really happy with where I am right now. and who I am. And how close I am getting to Jesus. I am seeing him a lot clearer. And hearing him clearer, but what's exciting me the most is I am seeing Him clearer. Maybe someday I will be able to draw Him, a drawing that will do Him justice. Someday.
I can't go back. Not as if I want to but time is restricting me, but because even if I could somehow go back and live in that world forever, I would be miserable. Because that's not where God wants me to be.
But i still miss it. And I still miss them. And I just really, deeply, and truly wish I could be a bigger blessing to those I knew down there than I was. I believe I was a blessing to them, but I wish I could have helped them more, shown them moreso the way to Him, and the way to peace. I pray I did everything He wanted me to. I care about them so much. I just want them to find Him.
God told me it's ok to miss them. I know I'm OK in this. But it's still like a dull, throbbing ache pulling my heart back to those times.
Atleast time is healing the sharp pain that used to be associated with those memories. Perhaps someday I will be able to look back with no feeling at all of disgust or repulsion, no feeling at all of loss. It's alot fainter now than it was. Maybe someday it will be gone completely, and all i'll be left with are the sweet, wonderful, lovely memories of a time I will never be able to get back to.
It's always a mixture of bitter/sweet. Why is it always a mixture?