New CCS Fanfic

[bananaspit]

I'm a newbie to LiveJournal and I have no idea what I'm doing. BUT I heard LJ is a good place to advocate fanfics so please read and preferably critique it.

Title: Intruder
Author: globmonster1
Rating: T
Chapter(s): 2 (recently added on 4/6/08)
Pairings: None; SxS to come
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: There's a saying that says life isn't fair. Sakura

Comments

characterization is key

[sheila_chan]

Angst is good, but writing about angst requires great precaution because
(1) you don't want to overwhelm your reader (because when they do they'll end up having preconceived notions about what your story is about, and/or stop reading altogether);
(2) you want your reader to feel for your character (like she really is a breathing and feeling person).

Grammar-wise, you have a pretty good command of the language (apart from some punctuations that need to be omitted/corrected here and there). What I find jarring about your story though is how plot doesn't follow the story-line (considering that this is fanfiction, and there is no indicator from your notes/labels that this is AU). Regardless of how you think it (the idea of Nadeshiko dying because of an accident, and Sakura being at fault and blaming herself for it) will click, you have to keep in mind that it doesn't change the fact that it is deviating from the original series, making the realization of #2 (for your reader to feel for your character) very difficult, if not impossible.

Personally, I don't think the flow of angst was fluid, even though it is written within the context of a diary-entry. Shifting from a first-person POV to a second-person POV is a big no-no in writing a story (though, of course, there are exemptions; yours isn't though). It ruins the consistency of your story, and your characterization all together.

If you really want to push through with your plot, you can write about Nadeshiko's death in a totally different manner in a first-person POV still. Sakura writing a diary entry about the day her mother died will most likely not write it like a detailed-narrative for a story. It will be more reflective, with details here and there.

Also, one major flaw about the concept is how the diary is written in a matter as if it is a blog, or blatantly for public consumption - which is, basically, not what a diary is all about. Diaries are different. They are more private, no matter how self-absorbed or self-centered it is, regardless of the knowledge that someone may/will read it. It is very intimate, to the point that anyone apart from the writer himself/herself reads it will feel embarrassed to be reading it, because it will be like seeing and feeling things as the writer did --which I think should be the point of your story given its title.

Just my two cents. :)