(Untitled)

[kainasilverbane]

Title:Shards
Author/Penname:Kainasilversbane
Rating: PG-13
Chapters: Chapter 10 (Continued WIP)
Pairings: Fujitaka/Kaho centered
Summary: Cross over the boundry from saftey, to insanity
Warning, Notes: Characters death *bawls*
Link to previous chapter: http://community.livejournal.com/ ( Read more... )

Comments

[claire_chan]

Eeee, I'm sooo on the edge of my seat for Chapter eleven. XD *hurries to post her corrections*

Fujitaka’s eyes fluttered open to the sunlight streaming in through the window, and was surprised to find himself not alone in his bed. This conjunction of sentences isn't quite right, I'd suggest changing that to two new sentences: "through the window. He was surprised to find.."

Tomoyo startled all of them as she rushed back into hers and Sakura’s room... I think it would be just her and Sakura's room. Or just reword it to like "the other room" or something.

“Guess we’re flying then,” Sakura said as she took a quick count, “Er…maybe not. Kero can only carry, at max, two adults, and I can only carry someone for a short distance, and no bigger than Tomoyo.” Wait, but there are two adults, Kaho and Fujitaka, and then Sakura could carry Tomoyo?? Maybe you could change it to say Kero probably couldn't carry two adults?

Unfortunately for Tomoyo, that meant she couldn’t see anything, and expressed her disapproval with a whine as she tried to focus her camera out on the scenery of England. Is Tomoyo really a whiner? This is also a runon.

It was unlocked, and the door creaked ominously as to slowly swung open. as it slowly?

“Then why does it look like nothings been touched for at least half a century?” Nothing's.

And it shows here as well as it’s slowly rotting this beautiful mansion away, from this inside out. From the inside out? And I liked that description of how demons work.

...draw nonsense lines as she went. I think it's "drew nonsense lines.."

a shining layer of dust being lifted and floated around her. Eee? XD You might want to rewrite this a little more clearly. I'm not sure how to reword it myself.

The demon set it’s glowing red eyes on her and gave an inhuman growl. Its.

it was sucked into the vortex that was now then entire room. the entire room.

she remembered it being when she’d seen in the first time. seen it.

I think the imagery was just fine. ^__^ I'm not sure whether it's a door jam or door jamb and I'm too lazy to drag up the dictionary right now so I think it's okay.