BBC Merlin rpf: "Cutting Room"; NC17; part 5 of 5
Title: Cutting Room
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Colin/Bradley
Warnings: A little bit of sex; a lot of angst; they get there
Spoilers: None (near future fic)
Disclaimer: I wish 'Merlin' was mine, but it isn't. And though any resemblance to persons living is entirely intentional, what I have them doing is entirely fictional. Unless it comes to pass, in which case I am psychic.
Author's Note: Just in case you're wondering, from the look of the first few lines, this isn't a script.
Summary: It's 2013 and the cameras are about to roll on the Merlin Movie - but can its two stars put aside the pain of their past and recapture the magic?
"CUTTING ROOM" (Part 5)
13. INT. A HOTEL ROOM, LONDON. THE SAME EVENING.
BRADLEY is packing, while COLIN gravitates between watching him and pacing agitatedly up and down the room
COLIN
Would you please stop doing that and talk to me?
BRADLEY looks over his shoulder at COLIN.
BRADLEY
Colin, you’re just making this harder for both of us. Look-
BRADLEY stops packing for a moment.
BRADLEY
-I’m glad for your sake you told the others. I hope it makes you feel better. Now let me get on with this, please. I’ve got an early flight.
“I didn’t tell them for my sake,” Colin said, exasperated, “I told them for yours. I deprived you of their friendship, but not anymore.”
“Well, that’s very nice of you, Colin,” Bradley continued to fold and drop things into the case on the bed, “but I don’t think I’m going to be cosying up to the rest of the Merlin cast in the foreseeable future - except during the promos next summer, of course.”
“Why are you being like this?” Colin’s voice rose indignantly. “I wanted to put things right. Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to tell them, after all this time?”
Bradley stared at him. “Are you listening to yourself?” He turned back to his task.
“Fuck, fuck...I’m sorry...” Colin slumped down onto the opposite side of the bed. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I? What I want isn’t going to make any difference. It’s too late...and I’m just making it harder for you by being here at all.”
He started to get up but Bradley came around the bed and sat down beside him. “No, wait - you’re right about one thing. If we’re going to get any sort of...closure...we shouldn’t leave things unsaid this time. So, go ahead...say what you came here to say.” Bradley’s arms were wrapped around himself, his head bent. He didn’t look up when Colin began to speak.
“OK...I wanted to tell you that they know the truth. And that I’ve finally realised what a total idiot I’ve been.” He took an unsteady breath, “I love you, Bradley; I think I always have. But you were right, I was scared - not just of how you felt, but of how I did - because you were beautiful and perfect...and straight. And I knew I’d lose you, someday, to someone more like you, and I couldn’t bear the thought of how that would make me feel. So I pushed you away.”
Colin looked at Bradley’s bent head, recalling the softness of Bradley’s hair against his cheek that last day on set; the tart, clean smell of his shampoo. “I thought I was saving myself pain and yet I’ve been more miserable these last two years than I’ve ever been in my life. But I honestly thought you were OK. You had a new life, you were a star - why on earth would you be having any regrets about me? Like you said, I was the loser.
“And then I saw you...and I realised just how badly I’d hurt you. I know it’s too late, that you don’t-” his voice broke and he swallowed hard, “I know you don’t love me anymore, but I wanted to tell you how much I regret the pain I’ve caused you. And to say that I don’t expect you to forgive me, because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.”
Bradley’s shoulders slowly rose and fell for a few moments before he finally lifted his head. His eyes looked straight through Colin to some remembered place that brought no comfort. “You hurt me in a way I didn’t know I was capable of hurting,” Bradley began, and the raw edge in his voice cut into Colin like a razor into skin. “I’d been dumped before, but never like that - never by someone who mattered so much to me. I changed my whole life for you - because of you. And then you destroyed it. Everything we’d shared, personally and professionally - you said a few words and it was all gone.”
Bradley’s focus snapped back and he jumped up from the bed as if he couldn’t bear to be that close. “I ran because I didn’t want to see you or hear about you, but it didn’t work. You were in my head all the time - and in my bed.” The laugh was barked, bitter, “you really screwed me up there. I couldn’t get it up for anyone, male or female. The only time it worked was with someone who looked like you. And then, afterwards, when he asked me who you were, I realised I must’ve said your name when I came, and I felt sick to my stomach.”
“Bradley, don’t...”
“No,” Bradley scrubbed at his eyes, “you wanted to talk, so now you can listen.” He moved over to the window, looked out into the dark. “I thought I’d at least gone far enough that I wouldn’t see you. But there I was, taking a hiatus from LA in a little off-Broadway show and there you were - on posters all over the bloody city.
“So I went to see the show. How could I not? I was going to hate it or, even better, to feel indifferent about it. But no - this is Colin fucking Morgan we’re talking about, isn’t it? So of course you were good - a pitch perfect Puck, mesmerising, and so bloody beautiful that I ended up hating myself. Because all I wanted was to kick down your dressing room door and throw myself at you, despite everything you’d done to me.”
Bradley flattened himself against the wall beside the window, his eyes burning like blue flames as he stared at Colin across the room. “I still feel like that. Don’t you see? I can’t be around you without wanting you, loving you. But I don’t trust you. If I was with you, I’d spend every day wondering if it was going to be the one where you’d finish with me. And I can’t - I won’t do that to myself.”
Colin gazed back at him, imprinting every line on his memory. “I really blew it, didn’t I?” He asked softly.
“Yeah,” Bradley swallowed, “yeah, you did.”
Colin made it to the stairwell before he sank to the floor and wept until he couldn’t breathe.
14. INT. GREEN ROOM, TV STUDIOS, WEST LONDON. JUNE 2014. DAY.
It’s Sunday morning, the day before the Merlin premiere. BRADLEY and COLIN sit in the green room of BBC2’s ‘Something for the Weekend’. A BBC PUBLICIST and a SHOW RUNNER are also present. The conversation between the four is intermittent and confined to the business at hand.
There's a frisson of unease in the glances BRADLEY and COLIN take at one another, when they think the other one isn’t looking. There are plenty of seats in the room but they sit on the same sofa - at opposite ends. BRADLEY flips idly through a magazine, while COLIN peels the label off the bottle of water he’s holding. It’s clear they both want to get into the studio and on with the job.
The SHOW RUNNER puts her hand up to her ear, speaks inaudibly into her headset, and then turns to BRADLEY and COLIN.
SHOW RUNNER
OK, gentlemen, you’re on in five and they’re ready for you in the studio, if you’d like to follow me, please?
COLIN and BRADLEY get up and move to follow the SHOW RUNNER out of the door. BOTH hesitate to let the other pass. Eventually, via a series of hand gestures and pointed looks, BRADLEY insists that COLIN goes first. They exit.
15. INT. A TELEVISION STUDIO, WEST LONDON. JUNE 2014. DAY.
COLIN and BRADLEY sit close beside one another on one side of an L-shaped sofa. On the other side the current SFTW hosts, DAN and LORETTA, are ready to go. A coffee table between the two pairs is strewn with four mugs, Merlin action figures, and press materials for the movie.
DAN (to camera)
Now, tomorrow sees the world premiere, in London’s Leicester Square, of one of the most anticipated fantasy movies of the last few years. It’s the long awaited cinema debut of the BBC’s own magical family drama ‘Merlin’, which last graced our Saturday night television screens two and a half years ago.
But now the prattish Prince of Camelot and his magical manservant are back in a brand new adventure for the big screen, which promises action, romance, comedy and, of course, magic and monsters galore. And we’re delighted to have with us in the studio this morning two of the stars of the movie: Prince Arthur and Merlin himself, Bradley James and Colin Morgan. Welcome!
BRADLEY
Good morning!
COLIN
Hello!
LORETTA
Hi, guys and welcome back to Something for the Weekend - because you’ve been on the show before, haven’t you, way back when Merlin was first shown on BBC1?
BRADLEY
Yeah, I think you’re right. I thought I recognised this place.
BRADLEY looks around.
BRADLEY
Of course, you’ve done a bit of decorating since then.
LORETTA laughs.
LORETTA
And we’ve changed hands - but we’re delighted to have you back with us after...wow...almost six years. Colin, I’d guess Merlin is a really fun part to play, so is it true what they say about time flying by when you’re enjoying yourself? Can you believe it’s been six years since you first took up the neckerchief?
COLIN
Well, of course we’ve had a bit of a break from Merlin this last couple of years, but it is great fun to do, so it feels really good to be playing the part again. And it’s exciting to be doing it for cinema, rather than television. But yeah, six years - wow.
DAN
And Bradley, how about you - what was the best thing about returning to the role of Prince Arthur? The cast all get on really well, don’t they - so was getting back together with them a bit like meeting up with the family?
Colin had to admire the apparent ease with which Bradley did what he’d been trained to do - stalled with a broad grin, a sip of his coffee and an exaggerated ‘well’, while he thought up a diplomatic answer to the question.
Funny, they’d been doing the publicity round for a couple of weeks, and up ‘til now, no-one had asked a question about how they got on. Colin supposed that was because everyone had always taken it as read, from the early video diary days, that they were one big, happy family. Of course rumours had abounded when series five hadn’t materialised, including a few in fandom that had skated dangerously close to the truth. But the official reason - that the programme makers felt they’d taken the adventure as far as they could in a TV format, and wanted to leave it on a high - had held. And, of course, it had kept the possibility of a cinematic return bubbling nicely.
“Well, as you know, Dan,” Bradley began, “the Merlin family - especially the members whose surname begins with a P - is pretty dysfunctional.” He paused and smiled. “And I guess you could say the same applies off-screen.” Colin’s eyes widened as he glanced at his co-star, but Bradley was ignoring him, looking straight at their hosts.
“So yes, you could say we’re like a real family - we have ups and downs, and some of us are closer than others, and we don’t live in each other’s pockets. But we rub along.” He blinked. “Um, what was the rest of your question? Oh, yes - the best thing about returning to the role of Prince Arthur - the sword fighting, definitely. I’ve missed it. It’s huge fun.”
Loretta leaned forward, smiling, “Let’s talk more about the fighting in a moment or two, because we have a really exciting clip coming up, but first I think you might be trying to throw us off the scent, there, Bradley, with your talk of dysfunctional families.
“Because we all know how well you guys got on when you were working together before. In fact there was so much talk about the chemistry between you, that some fans wanted to see Arthur and Merlin get together rather than Arthur and Guinevere.” She turned to Dan and they laughed easily.
“Now I’m guessing that’s not what happens in the new movie, but I’ve heard there are plenty of great moments between your characters. Can you tell us a bit more about that, Colin?”
Colin willed himself to relax, keep smiling. Because it was just another question. They didn’t know. “Well, yes, there are some really good scenes between Merlin and Arthur in the film. Their relationship was always central to the TV series and I’m happy that’s carried over into the movie. We have some very funny moments together, some scary ones and yeah, a couple of emotional ones, too.”
“So did the two of you find it easy to slip straight back into that banter? Cos it was great, I remember, from the TV series - the way Merlin and Arthur used to bicker like an old married couple,” Dan chuckled.
“Well, um,” Colin cleared his throat and Bradley came to the rescue.
“Maybe we were a little rusty at first, but don't forget myself and Colin played those parts for four years, so we know the characters really well. Once we got back into the swing of it, the banter came as easily as ever. And, of course, it’s really down to the writers. They’re the people who create the banter - we’re just delivering it.”
“So does Arthur treat Merlin any better in this film, Bradley?” Loretta asked. “Has he grown up since we last saw him?”
Bradley scratched his head idly and extended an arm along the back of the sofa. He looked so bloody relaxed Colin could’ve kicked him. The blonde man grinned. “Arthur’s still a bit of a prat at times - but because of something that happens early on in the movie, there’s a big difference in his relationship with Merlin. Which is great - it gave us all sorts of new places to go with the characters and I think the audience will really like it.”
“Oh ho,” Dan laughed, waggled his eyebrows conspiratorially at the camera, and then looked back at Colin and Bradley, “so do I take it that Merlin’s biggest secret is finally revealed?”
Colin smiled and ducked his head and Bradley winked. “We can’t possibly say, of course - people will have to go and see the movie and find out for themselves.”
“Well,” Loretta said, "we’ve got a clip coming up which I think is going to make people want to do just that. Take a look at this...”
They played in a clip of the film’s opening scene, showing Morgana’s magical attack and Arthur’s sword fight, but cutting just before Merlin revealed his own magic. Colin and Bradley watched as they always did, anticipating questions, though Colin was distracted by the fact that Bradley had closed the small gap between them when he’d taken the banter question, and didn’t seem to have any plans to open it up again. The warmth of him pressed lightly against Colin from shoulder to knee.
It reminded Colin of their early days on ‘Merlin’, when Bradley had been much the more relaxed of the two in interview situations, always ready to ride a protective shotgun for Colin. Colin smiled at the memory and Bradley nudged him, raising a quizzical brow. But there was no chance to explain because the clip was finishing.
They went straight into questions about the fight sequences and special effects, and the resemblance of the new action figures to their real persons. It was all stuff that tripped straight off his and Bradley’s tongues but then, just as Colin thought they were into the home straight, he saw Dan glance off camera and nod.
“Well, just before we let you go, we’ve got a little surprise for you, Colin and Bradley - and a bit of nostalgia for all your fans out there. We heard Bradley play it cool, earlier, about what great mates you two are, but we reckon some things never change. Take a look at this...”
It wasn’t that they both looked so young, Colin thought, or that he was still saddled, at that time, with the god awful bowl cut. What really struck him was that it had been there, even then, less than a year in. The way they picked up each other’s cues and finished each other’s sentences, the way they looked at each other way more than at the people interviewing them. That sense that there were two conversations going on - the one everyone heard and the one that only he and Bradley did.
And Bradley, Jesus, Bradley admitting he’d not understood Colin’s accent or his sense of humour at first, but how it had all changed so quickly, and they’d built up a ‘bit of a bond’. It was all delivered in Bradley’s inimitable, jokey style of course, but Colin saw that dip of Bradley’s chin, the little cough, the half smile as he looked up through his lashes and tapped his fist to his heart.
Colin looked away for a moment, needing to compose himself before the clip finished. And that’s when he felt it, the slight but unmistakeable increase in pressure of Bradley’s leg against his, and he glanced up at the man beside him and knew, when their eyes met, that Bradley had seen it all, too; that he knew exactly why it was difficult for Colin because it was just as hard for him; and that it was ok - because if any awkward questions came out of it, Bradley was there, like he’d always been.
As it so happened they were out of time, and after a couple of cracks from Dan about bad hair and check shirts, and a saccharine reference from Loretta about the enduring nature of their particular bond, they wrapped up and the interview was over.
Being a Sunday, and with the premiere the following evening, they had no other engagements that day. Colin was considering meeting friends for lunch in his old stomping ground along The Cut, and the girls had also invited both him and Bradley to join them. He was supposed to ring the designer about his suit for tomorrow, and he was also pretty sure he’d forgotten to return a call from someone else. So really he should be using this car journey back to the hotel they’d all been put up in for the premiere to make calls.
As opposed to spending the time sitting next to Bradley, almost but not quite touching him, almost but not quite speaking to him, and almost but not quite going quietly out of his mind.
16. INT. A HOTEL CORRIDOR. LONDON. JUNE 2014. DAY.
BRADLEY and COLIN emerge from the lift and walk along the corridor without speaking. BRADLEY stops outside his door and gets out his key. COLIN’S pace slows, then a shadow of embarrassment crosses his face and he quickens his step again, heading for his own rooms.
BRADLEY
Colin?
COLIN looks back. BRADLEY is standing in front of the now open door to his suite.
BRADLEY
Are you going straight out, or do you have time for an herbal tea or something?
“I haven’t decided what I’m doing yet,” Colin wondered how sad it was that his heart could beat this fast over the prospect of a cup of tea, “so yeah, that would be nice. Meet you downstairs in five?”
Bradley cleared his throat. “I, um, was thinking here,” he gestured into his rooms. “It’s a suite, after all - lots of weird tea bags. But if you’d prefer downstairs..?”
“No, no, here’s fine,” Colin said quickly. “Er, now, or..?”
“Now’s good,” Bradley said with a tight smile, “C’mon.” He disappeared through his door.
Colin retraced the few steps to Bradley’s door relieved to have been unburdened of even five minutes in his own room. Because he knew he’d have spent them in wildly inappropriate anticipation of what might happen between the time it took to brew and consume a cup of Elderflower infusion. At least this way, the fresh T shirt, deodorant and mouthwash he’d have inevitably succumbed to wouldn’t be wasted when the answer to that question turned out to be ‘nothing’.
Bradley was reading all the tea bags and calling out the choices. Colin shut the door and made his way over to the kitchen area. He looked over Bradley’s shoulder.
“How come you have more kinds than I do?”
Bradley held the Elderflower in one hand and the Camomile in the other, “Ditch or pond?”
Colin felt absurdly happy that he remembered. He nodded at the Elderflower.
Bradley turned around, put the tea bag into one mug, a coffee bag into another, and switched on the kettle. He spoke over his shoulder, “In answer to your question, it’s because I am in an A class suite and you are in a B class. Rank hath its privileges. Which, in this case, means more tea bags. And maybe more pillows.”
Colin leaned against the counter beside him. “What do you mean, rank? I’m the eponymous hero of this film.”
“Ah, but I get above the title with you because that was one of the conditions of my being released from my Compass Point contract for six months. Another being that I get paid more than you which, I presume, accounts for the hotel upgrades.”
Colin cocked his head, “You’re joking.”
Bradley shook his. “Does it bother you?”
“That you’re getting paid more than me for the film?” Colin considered for a moment. “I suppose it should, but no, not really. You earn more than me the rest of the time, anyway. It’s just business, isn’t it? They had to negotiate harder for you, because you were signed elsewhere. It’s not like it’s a judgement of our respective talent.”
Colin could have kicked himself the moment the words were out of his mouth. Bradley responded with, “Clearly,” and retreated into tea-making.
He waited until Bradley pushed the mug along the worktop towards him before he reached out, touched Bradley’s hand. “You know I didn’t mean it like that, don’t you?”
Bradley looked down at where their hands were touching. “Yes.”
“It’s ridiculous, isn’t it, the hang-ups we have about each other -” Colin said, hoping his voice didn’t sound as desperate as he felt, “about the acting, the way we look, both of us wondering why the other one ever gave us the time of day?” He knew he should take his hand away now, but he couldn’t. “Not really the basis for a stable relationship, even before I fucked it up. But seeing us on that tape today...”
“I know,” Bradley murmured.
“Do you?” They looked up at the same time. He closed his hand around the other man’s wrist. “Do you really? Because I remember how that felt, Bradley - to be that comfortable with you; to know you understood; to know what you were going to say; that you could always make me laugh, or feel less alone.
“We had all that before we had the rest - before the sex, the love, or the fear. And I have never, never had that with anyone else. I don’t know if it’s even possible." There was a boulder in his throat but the words rolled over it, "And I don’t know what I’m going to do...without you. I don’t know how I’m going to-”
“Don’t. Don’t, Colin, please.” Bradley’s arms were around him, pulling him in, stealing all the breath from him. “Oh god, Colin, I can’t-”
He wound his arms around Bradley’s shoulders and up into his hair, gripped the back of his skull and found the tiny ridge of scar tissue there that spoke so eloquently of the fragility of the man in his embrace.
He moved his hands to cradle Bradley’s jaw and rested their foreheads together. “Anything,” he breathed, “I’ll do anything, Bradley - if you’ll just give me another chance, please.”
“Don’t let me down,” Bradley said brokenly. “Not again.” He grabbed Colin’s shoulders and shook him, shook them both. “I mean it. You hurt me like that again and I will die. And it will be your fault.”
“Never,” Colin kissed one of Bradley’s eyes closed and then the other, “never, never, never.” Bradley’s mouth tasted of tears and coffee, like the answer to a prayer.
17. INT. A MOVING LIMOUSINE, LONDON. JUNE 2014. EVENING.
COLIN and BRADLEY are seated in the rear passenger seat of the limo, BOTH in formal wear - their own take on black tie.
COLIN’S phone beeps. He takes it out of his pocket, looks at it and smiles.
BRADLEY
I hope you’re going to remember to turn that off before we go into the cinema, Colin.
COLIN
God, yes, remind me, will you?
BRADLEY
Why don’t you just switch it off now and then I won’t have to?
COLIN
Because she might need to tell me something else before we get there.
BRADLEY
She being?
COLIN
Angel.
BRADLEY
Angel is texting you from the premiere of our movie. To which we are on our way. And what, pray, is she saying?
COLIN hands BRADLEY his phone. BRADLEY presses a button to display the text. POV phone screen, which reads: ‘CONGRATS, U BUGGERED UP BBC COMMENTARY.’
“Ha!” Bradley laughed, switched off the phone and tossed it back at Colin. “That’ll teach them to just read from the script instead of looking at who’s actually getting out of the car.”
Colin grinned. “I’m pretty sure Katie will eventually forgive you for stealing her big moment...twice.”
Bradley shrugged. “I’m sure the fans loved the girls turning up together. Just think of all the rumours it’ll stoke.”
“Not as many as we’re going to stoke.” Colin looked at Bradley, his expression serious. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
Bradley had never looked more determined. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
The limo drew smoothly to a halt and the rear offside door was opened by a liveried attendant. Bradley winked at Colin before getting out and even through the soundproofed windows Colin heard the shouts and screams as Bradley walked around to his side of the car and came in sight of a few people in the crowd. Then Colin’s door was opening and the red carpet was there, right outside and, wondering if he might wake up at any moment, Colin climbed out .
The noise was deafening and a walkway of Camelot red carpet, bordered by golden Pendragons, stretched ahead of them, brighter than a runway at Heathrow. But all Colin could see was Bradley standing there - looking impossibly elegant in his immaculate dark suit, with that stupidly gorgeous blonde hair, and the blue eyes, and the wide white smile - waiting for him.
Bradley held out his hand. “Shall we?”
Colin’s heart hammered in his chest. “Yes.” He put his hand in Bradley’s, felt their fingers mesh and close tight.
And then they turned and stepped out together, into the light.
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Colin/Bradley
Warnings: A little bit of sex; a lot of angst; they get there
Spoilers: None (near future fic)
Disclaimer: I wish 'Merlin' was mine, but it isn't. And though any resemblance to persons living is entirely intentional, what I have them doing is entirely fictional. Unless it comes to pass, in which case I am psychic.
Author's Note: Just in case you're wondering, from the look of the first few lines, this isn't a script.
Summary: It's 2013 and the cameras are about to roll on the Merlin Movie - but can its two stars put aside the pain of their past and recapture the magic?
"CUTTING ROOM" (Part 5)
13. INT. A HOTEL ROOM, LONDON. THE SAME EVENING.
BRADLEY is packing, while COLIN gravitates between watching him and pacing agitatedly up and down the room
COLIN
Would you please stop doing that and talk to me?
BRADLEY looks over his shoulder at COLIN.
BRADLEY
Colin, you’re just making this harder for both of us. Look-
BRADLEY stops packing for a moment.
BRADLEY
-I’m glad for your sake you told the others. I hope it makes you feel better. Now let me get on with this, please. I’ve got an early flight.
“I didn’t tell them for my sake,” Colin said, exasperated, “I told them for yours. I deprived you of their friendship, but not anymore.”
“Well, that’s very nice of you, Colin,” Bradley continued to fold and drop things into the case on the bed, “but I don’t think I’m going to be cosying up to the rest of the Merlin cast in the foreseeable future - except during the promos next summer, of course.”
“Why are you being like this?” Colin’s voice rose indignantly. “I wanted to put things right. Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to tell them, after all this time?”
Bradley stared at him. “Are you listening to yourself?” He turned back to his task.
“Fuck, fuck...I’m sorry...” Colin slumped down onto the opposite side of the bed. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I? What I want isn’t going to make any difference. It’s too late...and I’m just making it harder for you by being here at all.”
He started to get up but Bradley came around the bed and sat down beside him. “No, wait - you’re right about one thing. If we’re going to get any sort of...closure...we shouldn’t leave things unsaid this time. So, go ahead...say what you came here to say.” Bradley’s arms were wrapped around himself, his head bent. He didn’t look up when Colin began to speak.
“OK...I wanted to tell you that they know the truth. And that I’ve finally realised what a total idiot I’ve been.” He took an unsteady breath, “I love you, Bradley; I think I always have. But you were right, I was scared - not just of how you felt, but of how I did - because you were beautiful and perfect...and straight. And I knew I’d lose you, someday, to someone more like you, and I couldn’t bear the thought of how that would make me feel. So I pushed you away.”
Colin looked at Bradley’s bent head, recalling the softness of Bradley’s hair against his cheek that last day on set; the tart, clean smell of his shampoo. “I thought I was saving myself pain and yet I’ve been more miserable these last two years than I’ve ever been in my life. But I honestly thought you were OK. You had a new life, you were a star - why on earth would you be having any regrets about me? Like you said, I was the loser.
“And then I saw you...and I realised just how badly I’d hurt you. I know it’s too late, that you don’t-” his voice broke and he swallowed hard, “I know you don’t love me anymore, but I wanted to tell you how much I regret the pain I’ve caused you. And to say that I don’t expect you to forgive me, because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.”
Bradley’s shoulders slowly rose and fell for a few moments before he finally lifted his head. His eyes looked straight through Colin to some remembered place that brought no comfort. “You hurt me in a way I didn’t know I was capable of hurting,” Bradley began, and the raw edge in his voice cut into Colin like a razor into skin. “I’d been dumped before, but never like that - never by someone who mattered so much to me. I changed my whole life for you - because of you. And then you destroyed it. Everything we’d shared, personally and professionally - you said a few words and it was all gone.”
Bradley’s focus snapped back and he jumped up from the bed as if he couldn’t bear to be that close. “I ran because I didn’t want to see you or hear about you, but it didn’t work. You were in my head all the time - and in my bed.” The laugh was barked, bitter, “you really screwed me up there. I couldn’t get it up for anyone, male or female. The only time it worked was with someone who looked like you. And then, afterwards, when he asked me who you were, I realised I must’ve said your name when I came, and I felt sick to my stomach.”
“Bradley, don’t...”
“No,” Bradley scrubbed at his eyes, “you wanted to talk, so now you can listen.” He moved over to the window, looked out into the dark. “I thought I’d at least gone far enough that I wouldn’t see you. But there I was, taking a hiatus from LA in a little off-Broadway show and there you were - on posters all over the bloody city.
“So I went to see the show. How could I not? I was going to hate it or, even better, to feel indifferent about it. But no - this is Colin fucking Morgan we’re talking about, isn’t it? So of course you were good - a pitch perfect Puck, mesmerising, and so bloody beautiful that I ended up hating myself. Because all I wanted was to kick down your dressing room door and throw myself at you, despite everything you’d done to me.”
Bradley flattened himself against the wall beside the window, his eyes burning like blue flames as he stared at Colin across the room. “I still feel like that. Don’t you see? I can’t be around you without wanting you, loving you. But I don’t trust you. If I was with you, I’d spend every day wondering if it was going to be the one where you’d finish with me. And I can’t - I won’t do that to myself.”
Colin gazed back at him, imprinting every line on his memory. “I really blew it, didn’t I?” He asked softly.
“Yeah,” Bradley swallowed, “yeah, you did.”
Colin made it to the stairwell before he sank to the floor and wept until he couldn’t breathe.
14. INT. GREEN ROOM, TV STUDIOS, WEST LONDON. JUNE 2014. DAY.
It’s Sunday morning, the day before the Merlin premiere. BRADLEY and COLIN sit in the green room of BBC2’s ‘Something for the Weekend’. A BBC PUBLICIST and a SHOW RUNNER are also present. The conversation between the four is intermittent and confined to the business at hand.
There's a frisson of unease in the glances BRADLEY and COLIN take at one another, when they think the other one isn’t looking. There are plenty of seats in the room but they sit on the same sofa - at opposite ends. BRADLEY flips idly through a magazine, while COLIN peels the label off the bottle of water he’s holding. It’s clear they both want to get into the studio and on with the job.
The SHOW RUNNER puts her hand up to her ear, speaks inaudibly into her headset, and then turns to BRADLEY and COLIN.
SHOW RUNNER
OK, gentlemen, you’re on in five and they’re ready for you in the studio, if you’d like to follow me, please?
COLIN and BRADLEY get up and move to follow the SHOW RUNNER out of the door. BOTH hesitate to let the other pass. Eventually, via a series of hand gestures and pointed looks, BRADLEY insists that COLIN goes first. They exit.
15. INT. A TELEVISION STUDIO, WEST LONDON. JUNE 2014. DAY.
COLIN and BRADLEY sit close beside one another on one side of an L-shaped sofa. On the other side the current SFTW hosts, DAN and LORETTA, are ready to go. A coffee table between the two pairs is strewn with four mugs, Merlin action figures, and press materials for the movie.
DAN (to camera)
Now, tomorrow sees the world premiere, in London’s Leicester Square, of one of the most anticipated fantasy movies of the last few years. It’s the long awaited cinema debut of the BBC’s own magical family drama ‘Merlin’, which last graced our Saturday night television screens two and a half years ago.
But now the prattish Prince of Camelot and his magical manservant are back in a brand new adventure for the big screen, which promises action, romance, comedy and, of course, magic and monsters galore. And we’re delighted to have with us in the studio this morning two of the stars of the movie: Prince Arthur and Merlin himself, Bradley James and Colin Morgan. Welcome!
BRADLEY
Good morning!
COLIN
Hello!
LORETTA
Hi, guys and welcome back to Something for the Weekend - because you’ve been on the show before, haven’t you, way back when Merlin was first shown on BBC1?
BRADLEY
Yeah, I think you’re right. I thought I recognised this place.
BRADLEY looks around.
BRADLEY
Of course, you’ve done a bit of decorating since then.
LORETTA laughs.
LORETTA
And we’ve changed hands - but we’re delighted to have you back with us after...wow...almost six years. Colin, I’d guess Merlin is a really fun part to play, so is it true what they say about time flying by when you’re enjoying yourself? Can you believe it’s been six years since you first took up the neckerchief?
COLIN
Well, of course we’ve had a bit of a break from Merlin this last couple of years, but it is great fun to do, so it feels really good to be playing the part again. And it’s exciting to be doing it for cinema, rather than television. But yeah, six years - wow.
DAN
And Bradley, how about you - what was the best thing about returning to the role of Prince Arthur? The cast all get on really well, don’t they - so was getting back together with them a bit like meeting up with the family?
Colin had to admire the apparent ease with which Bradley did what he’d been trained to do - stalled with a broad grin, a sip of his coffee and an exaggerated ‘well’, while he thought up a diplomatic answer to the question.
Funny, they’d been doing the publicity round for a couple of weeks, and up ‘til now, no-one had asked a question about how they got on. Colin supposed that was because everyone had always taken it as read, from the early video diary days, that they were one big, happy family. Of course rumours had abounded when series five hadn’t materialised, including a few in fandom that had skated dangerously close to the truth. But the official reason - that the programme makers felt they’d taken the adventure as far as they could in a TV format, and wanted to leave it on a high - had held. And, of course, it had kept the possibility of a cinematic return bubbling nicely.
“Well, as you know, Dan,” Bradley began, “the Merlin family - especially the members whose surname begins with a P - is pretty dysfunctional.” He paused and smiled. “And I guess you could say the same applies off-screen.” Colin’s eyes widened as he glanced at his co-star, but Bradley was ignoring him, looking straight at their hosts.
“So yes, you could say we’re like a real family - we have ups and downs, and some of us are closer than others, and we don’t live in each other’s pockets. But we rub along.” He blinked. “Um, what was the rest of your question? Oh, yes - the best thing about returning to the role of Prince Arthur - the sword fighting, definitely. I’ve missed it. It’s huge fun.”
Loretta leaned forward, smiling, “Let’s talk more about the fighting in a moment or two, because we have a really exciting clip coming up, but first I think you might be trying to throw us off the scent, there, Bradley, with your talk of dysfunctional families.
“Because we all know how well you guys got on when you were working together before. In fact there was so much talk about the chemistry between you, that some fans wanted to see Arthur and Merlin get together rather than Arthur and Guinevere.” She turned to Dan and they laughed easily.
“Now I’m guessing that’s not what happens in the new movie, but I’ve heard there are plenty of great moments between your characters. Can you tell us a bit more about that, Colin?”
Colin willed himself to relax, keep smiling. Because it was just another question. They didn’t know. “Well, yes, there are some really good scenes between Merlin and Arthur in the film. Their relationship was always central to the TV series and I’m happy that’s carried over into the movie. We have some very funny moments together, some scary ones and yeah, a couple of emotional ones, too.”
“So did the two of you find it easy to slip straight back into that banter? Cos it was great, I remember, from the TV series - the way Merlin and Arthur used to bicker like an old married couple,” Dan chuckled.
“Well, um,” Colin cleared his throat and Bradley came to the rescue.
“Maybe we were a little rusty at first, but don't forget myself and Colin played those parts for four years, so we know the characters really well. Once we got back into the swing of it, the banter came as easily as ever. And, of course, it’s really down to the writers. They’re the people who create the banter - we’re just delivering it.”
“So does Arthur treat Merlin any better in this film, Bradley?” Loretta asked. “Has he grown up since we last saw him?”
Bradley scratched his head idly and extended an arm along the back of the sofa. He looked so bloody relaxed Colin could’ve kicked him. The blonde man grinned. “Arthur’s still a bit of a prat at times - but because of something that happens early on in the movie, there’s a big difference in his relationship with Merlin. Which is great - it gave us all sorts of new places to go with the characters and I think the audience will really like it.”
“Oh ho,” Dan laughed, waggled his eyebrows conspiratorially at the camera, and then looked back at Colin and Bradley, “so do I take it that Merlin’s biggest secret is finally revealed?”
Colin smiled and ducked his head and Bradley winked. “We can’t possibly say, of course - people will have to go and see the movie and find out for themselves.”
“Well,” Loretta said, "we’ve got a clip coming up which I think is going to make people want to do just that. Take a look at this...”
They played in a clip of the film’s opening scene, showing Morgana’s magical attack and Arthur’s sword fight, but cutting just before Merlin revealed his own magic. Colin and Bradley watched as they always did, anticipating questions, though Colin was distracted by the fact that Bradley had closed the small gap between them when he’d taken the banter question, and didn’t seem to have any plans to open it up again. The warmth of him pressed lightly against Colin from shoulder to knee.
It reminded Colin of their early days on ‘Merlin’, when Bradley had been much the more relaxed of the two in interview situations, always ready to ride a protective shotgun for Colin. Colin smiled at the memory and Bradley nudged him, raising a quizzical brow. But there was no chance to explain because the clip was finishing.
They went straight into questions about the fight sequences and special effects, and the resemblance of the new action figures to their real persons. It was all stuff that tripped straight off his and Bradley’s tongues but then, just as Colin thought they were into the home straight, he saw Dan glance off camera and nod.
“Well, just before we let you go, we’ve got a little surprise for you, Colin and Bradley - and a bit of nostalgia for all your fans out there. We heard Bradley play it cool, earlier, about what great mates you two are, but we reckon some things never change. Take a look at this...”
It wasn’t that they both looked so young, Colin thought, or that he was still saddled, at that time, with the god awful bowl cut. What really struck him was that it had been there, even then, less than a year in. The way they picked up each other’s cues and finished each other’s sentences, the way they looked at each other way more than at the people interviewing them. That sense that there were two conversations going on - the one everyone heard and the one that only he and Bradley did.
And Bradley, Jesus, Bradley admitting he’d not understood Colin’s accent or his sense of humour at first, but how it had all changed so quickly, and they’d built up a ‘bit of a bond’. It was all delivered in Bradley’s inimitable, jokey style of course, but Colin saw that dip of Bradley’s chin, the little cough, the half smile as he looked up through his lashes and tapped his fist to his heart.
Colin looked away for a moment, needing to compose himself before the clip finished. And that’s when he felt it, the slight but unmistakeable increase in pressure of Bradley’s leg against his, and he glanced up at the man beside him and knew, when their eyes met, that Bradley had seen it all, too; that he knew exactly why it was difficult for Colin because it was just as hard for him; and that it was ok - because if any awkward questions came out of it, Bradley was there, like he’d always been.
As it so happened they were out of time, and after a couple of cracks from Dan about bad hair and check shirts, and a saccharine reference from Loretta about the enduring nature of their particular bond, they wrapped up and the interview was over.
Being a Sunday, and with the premiere the following evening, they had no other engagements that day. Colin was considering meeting friends for lunch in his old stomping ground along The Cut, and the girls had also invited both him and Bradley to join them. He was supposed to ring the designer about his suit for tomorrow, and he was also pretty sure he’d forgotten to return a call from someone else. So really he should be using this car journey back to the hotel they’d all been put up in for the premiere to make calls.
As opposed to spending the time sitting next to Bradley, almost but not quite touching him, almost but not quite speaking to him, and almost but not quite going quietly out of his mind.
16. INT. A HOTEL CORRIDOR. LONDON. JUNE 2014. DAY.
BRADLEY and COLIN emerge from the lift and walk along the corridor without speaking. BRADLEY stops outside his door and gets out his key. COLIN’S pace slows, then a shadow of embarrassment crosses his face and he quickens his step again, heading for his own rooms.
BRADLEY
Colin?
COLIN looks back. BRADLEY is standing in front of the now open door to his suite.
BRADLEY
Are you going straight out, or do you have time for an herbal tea or something?
“I haven’t decided what I’m doing yet,” Colin wondered how sad it was that his heart could beat this fast over the prospect of a cup of tea, “so yeah, that would be nice. Meet you downstairs in five?”
Bradley cleared his throat. “I, um, was thinking here,” he gestured into his rooms. “It’s a suite, after all - lots of weird tea bags. But if you’d prefer downstairs..?”
“No, no, here’s fine,” Colin said quickly. “Er, now, or..?”
“Now’s good,” Bradley said with a tight smile, “C’mon.” He disappeared through his door.
Colin retraced the few steps to Bradley’s door relieved to have been unburdened of even five minutes in his own room. Because he knew he’d have spent them in wildly inappropriate anticipation of what might happen between the time it took to brew and consume a cup of Elderflower infusion. At least this way, the fresh T shirt, deodorant and mouthwash he’d have inevitably succumbed to wouldn’t be wasted when the answer to that question turned out to be ‘nothing’.
Bradley was reading all the tea bags and calling out the choices. Colin shut the door and made his way over to the kitchen area. He looked over Bradley’s shoulder.
“How come you have more kinds than I do?”
Bradley held the Elderflower in one hand and the Camomile in the other, “Ditch or pond?”
Colin felt absurdly happy that he remembered. He nodded at the Elderflower.
Bradley turned around, put the tea bag into one mug, a coffee bag into another, and switched on the kettle. He spoke over his shoulder, “In answer to your question, it’s because I am in an A class suite and you are in a B class. Rank hath its privileges. Which, in this case, means more tea bags. And maybe more pillows.”
Colin leaned against the counter beside him. “What do you mean, rank? I’m the eponymous hero of this film.”
“Ah, but I get above the title with you because that was one of the conditions of my being released from my Compass Point contract for six months. Another being that I get paid more than you which, I presume, accounts for the hotel upgrades.”
Colin cocked his head, “You’re joking.”
Bradley shook his. “Does it bother you?”
“That you’re getting paid more than me for the film?” Colin considered for a moment. “I suppose it should, but no, not really. You earn more than me the rest of the time, anyway. It’s just business, isn’t it? They had to negotiate harder for you, because you were signed elsewhere. It’s not like it’s a judgement of our respective talent.”
Colin could have kicked himself the moment the words were out of his mouth. Bradley responded with, “Clearly,” and retreated into tea-making.
He waited until Bradley pushed the mug along the worktop towards him before he reached out, touched Bradley’s hand. “You know I didn’t mean it like that, don’t you?”
Bradley looked down at where their hands were touching. “Yes.”
“It’s ridiculous, isn’t it, the hang-ups we have about each other -” Colin said, hoping his voice didn’t sound as desperate as he felt, “about the acting, the way we look, both of us wondering why the other one ever gave us the time of day?” He knew he should take his hand away now, but he couldn’t. “Not really the basis for a stable relationship, even before I fucked it up. But seeing us on that tape today...”
“I know,” Bradley murmured.
“Do you?” They looked up at the same time. He closed his hand around the other man’s wrist. “Do you really? Because I remember how that felt, Bradley - to be that comfortable with you; to know you understood; to know what you were going to say; that you could always make me laugh, or feel less alone.
“We had all that before we had the rest - before the sex, the love, or the fear. And I have never, never had that with anyone else. I don’t know if it’s even possible." There was a boulder in his throat but the words rolled over it, "And I don’t know what I’m going to do...without you. I don’t know how I’m going to-”
“Don’t. Don’t, Colin, please.” Bradley’s arms were around him, pulling him in, stealing all the breath from him. “Oh god, Colin, I can’t-”
He wound his arms around Bradley’s shoulders and up into his hair, gripped the back of his skull and found the tiny ridge of scar tissue there that spoke so eloquently of the fragility of the man in his embrace.
He moved his hands to cradle Bradley’s jaw and rested their foreheads together. “Anything,” he breathed, “I’ll do anything, Bradley - if you’ll just give me another chance, please.”
“Don’t let me down,” Bradley said brokenly. “Not again.” He grabbed Colin’s shoulders and shook him, shook them both. “I mean it. You hurt me like that again and I will die. And it will be your fault.”
“Never,” Colin kissed one of Bradley’s eyes closed and then the other, “never, never, never.” Bradley’s mouth tasted of tears and coffee, like the answer to a prayer.
17. INT. A MOVING LIMOUSINE, LONDON. JUNE 2014. EVENING.
COLIN and BRADLEY are seated in the rear passenger seat of the limo, BOTH in formal wear - their own take on black tie.
COLIN’S phone beeps. He takes it out of his pocket, looks at it and smiles.
BRADLEY
I hope you’re going to remember to turn that off before we go into the cinema, Colin.
COLIN
God, yes, remind me, will you?
BRADLEY
Why don’t you just switch it off now and then I won’t have to?
COLIN
Because she might need to tell me something else before we get there.
BRADLEY
She being?
COLIN
Angel.
BRADLEY
Angel is texting you from the premiere of our movie. To which we are on our way. And what, pray, is she saying?
COLIN hands BRADLEY his phone. BRADLEY presses a button to display the text. POV phone screen, which reads: ‘CONGRATS, U BUGGERED UP BBC COMMENTARY.’
“Ha!” Bradley laughed, switched off the phone and tossed it back at Colin. “That’ll teach them to just read from the script instead of looking at who’s actually getting out of the car.”
Colin grinned. “I’m pretty sure Katie will eventually forgive you for stealing her big moment...twice.”
Bradley shrugged. “I’m sure the fans loved the girls turning up together. Just think of all the rumours it’ll stoke.”
“Not as many as we’re going to stoke.” Colin looked at Bradley, his expression serious. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
Bradley had never looked more determined. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
The limo drew smoothly to a halt and the rear offside door was opened by a liveried attendant. Bradley winked at Colin before getting out and even through the soundproofed windows Colin heard the shouts and screams as Bradley walked around to his side of the car and came in sight of a few people in the crowd. Then Colin’s door was opening and the red carpet was there, right outside and, wondering if he might wake up at any moment, Colin climbed out .
The noise was deafening and a walkway of Camelot red carpet, bordered by golden Pendragons, stretched ahead of them, brighter than a runway at Heathrow. But all Colin could see was Bradley standing there - looking impossibly elegant in his immaculate dark suit, with that stupidly gorgeous blonde hair, and the blue eyes, and the wide white smile - waiting for him.
Bradley held out his hand. “Shall we?”
Colin’s heart hammered in his chest. “Yes.” He put his hand in Bradley’s, felt their fingers mesh and close tight.
And then they turned and stepped out together, into the light.