Been a strange month
Shortly after my last entry, I flipped out again, and used the exacto knives to cut myself. Made about 30 cuts on my left bicep, and 50 on my left thigh. Some of them where a little deep. It had been my worst cutting yet. I was also a tad drunk when I did it. I took pictures and showed them to some people. I didn't want to tell Lover Girl because I worry that it upsets her too much. But she found out anyway.
Then she wanted to talk to my mom. My mom talked to her for a bit, then wanted to take me to the hospital. I was opposed to it, and did not go.
The following morning, Sunday morning, fathers day, we went to church. I hate going to church. Especially since I have been feeling like I was 14 all over again, it was very triggering.
After the church service on the way home, my dad was talking about going for a walk. My mom said don't bring the dog. He asked why not. My mom told him he gets too crazy about her. He said he didn'rt. I said that he always flips out about the dog, complaining and trying to kick the dog when she poops. I said I didn't care, he needed to stop flipping out about it. He said something like "If you are going to live in this house then you will learn to care." I saide "Well, maybe I should kill myself." He said that he'd have me committed. I told him he never cared about me, just his stupid values, and that he hit me and treated me like shit. He denied irt. I told him he didn't love or care about me and that he was a bad father. It escalated, and I demanded to be let out. Eventually he let me out and said I was a bad son. My brother got out of the car with me and wouldn't leave.
I was wanting him to leave, cos I was thinking about going to White Hen, a convenience store chain in the midwest, to get some liquor, maybe a utility knife. Was thinking about making some deep cuts on my stomache.
Well, he refused to leave. So I walked a couple miles, was rubbing against signs and stuff trying to injure myself. I also dug my fingernails in my arm. My mom was calling me and my dad called my brother. I went to a gas station and visited with the guy filling up the fuel resovuars. I felt a little better after that.
Then I went to White hen and just got a can of MGD and a GRUV, which is an alchoholic energy drink. Then we went to Dairy queen and I got a blizzard.
The MGD can was a collectors can with Alice Cooper on it.
Visited a garage sale on the way home, they where packing up for the day already.
Then my mom called, said she'd pick us up. So she picked us up. Said we where going for a drive. I said I wanted more liquor, she said there might be a place to get it.
She brought me to the hospital. I was quite pissed. Thje security officers could not make me go in, they could talk me out of the car. I talked to them, and eventually decided to go in.
I got admitted, talked to a social worker, and the psychiatrist decided that I should stay the night, because I was very depressed and the SI.
So I stayed. I was extremely upset to be in a psych ward. They brought me dinner and I tried to sleep the day away. A nurse came in later to give me Adavan, to help me slee. I took it and got to sleep.
Oh yeah, when I was admitted, they took my clohes and shoes and stuff from my pockets, etc.. Gave me a gown. Then gave me a gown with no strings and pajama pants cos I can't have strings or sharp objects, etc.. etc. so Iwouldn't SI with them.
Later they gave me my clothes back.
I noticed on the gown they gave me, there was a small barb on one of the buttons. I looked at it, and I thought "Hmmm.." and noticed the irony of it all.
The next day, I woke up and talked to the psychiatrist. He proscribed me Zoloft.
That night, my parents visited me. Brought me some clothes, some chips and a drink. Said they where going to take all of the dangerous things out of my room, take everything off the walls, paint the walls, move everything out and carpet the floor. I started to really flip out. I did NOT want them to do that. I was telling them no over and over. They where treying to say how it'd be alright and everything.
They left. Oh, I forgot to mention, they also let you smoke at the hospital, but in certain times, in a special room. The nurse brings out your smoke, and lights it for you.
I talked with a bunch of the other people there.
Anyway, that night, I started to flip out. I was in my room. The bed had movable rails, so Iput my arm through it and forced it down as hard as I could. I was worried I was gonna have a huge bruise cos it made a large mark. It didn't. Only a minor bruise that no one would notice.
Then I took the barb and cut my leg with it a few times. It made ok cuts. Nothing that great though.
Then I went to sleep.
The next day, my parents visited, brought me a pack of smokes, and I talked ot my mom earlier. I told her repeatedly no. She told me she'd just clean the floors, replace my curtains and not do anything else, and she'd take pictures to show me that everything was ok. She said she talked to the social worker and she said she should only do what I say.
So that made me feel relieved.
Lover Girl called me after they left and I talked to her for a couple of hours. That helped me feel better.
Then I went to sleep and the next day came. The psychiatrist asked me if I had any more SI thoughts. I told him yes. He upped my dose of Zoloft to 100 mg.
I noticed a rush from the Zoloft. Then later a very antsy tweaking on edge feeling that was horrible. Then it wouyld taper off later on.
I saw a girl have a fit in the hospital. That was sorta scary. Also talked to some alchoholics that where detoxing.
Also did this thing called Psycho Drama there, where you expose your core issues and do role playing and such. It was fairly intense.
Also did lots of group. Talked to several different social workers and such. Also talked with the staff. Some where interns that where my age.
On Thursday, my parents came over and I talked with my dad about my issues with him. I thought it was sort of pointless. But I guess it wasn't. My dad seemed to be listening. I think that my dad has selective amnesia. It sorta all clicked. He would rage, then claim no memory of it.
I also found a bloddy rag in my room, hidden. I decided that I'd take it when I left. Before I left, I packaged the rag up, and the hospital gown and pants and put them in so they would not see them and bitch about it.
Oh yeah, they also gave us special mouth wash and tooth paste that has no alchohol in it.
Then I got discharged, being in there from Sunday to Friday. I talked to Lover Girl at least 4 times on the phone.
Then, decided that I need to be in a treatment. So first stop was the Alexian Brothers. Stopped at an Italian resturaunt, had a sour apple martini, then went there.
I noticed lots of crucifixes with Jesus on them, I thought it was wierd.
I went to be evaulated. Talked with the person, my mom was in the room volunterring stuff. I eventually kicked her out. I foolishly gave them my entire drug history. Or maybe it was a good idea. Anyway, my mom came back in, was talking, she got kicked out again, etc..
My mom said that I have to go in a treatment plan or find somewhere else to live, because she can't handle worrying that I might severely injure myself or commit suicide because it is a toxic environment at home.
So they came back with their plan for me. Partial hospitilization, mainly Chemical Dependency, and a little SI. Would be every day for a few weeks, like 3 or 4 hours each day. I'd have to not have any drinks, join three CD groups, like AA, NA, etc.. etc.. and lots of breath tests, piss tests, etc.. etc..
I was telling them I'd do no CD. They said I had to. That's the plan. Your options are go to the program or find somewhere to live. I was not impressed. I started flipping out, and was yelling at my mom. I was beginning to think that I might have to tell Lover Girl that I was going to commit suicide because I felt trapped.
Well, eventually we worked it out. My mom decided that would be a bad idea. I called them to tell them not to pre-certify the insurance. Then they called later to say that I was pre-certified. I told them that I wasn't going to do it. The person acted surprised.
The Alexian Brothers is a catholic facility. I only learned that later.
Fuck them. My mom called the social worker from the hospital and she gave her a local therapist that she knows is good. So I went to him. Been going to him a few times a week. He is pretty nice and helps me to work things out a little.
Oh yeah, on Saturday, I went to the Phish concert. I got an Oxy there for $40 and had some beer. I was quite anihilated. My friend I went with got a roll. Then we went in. They would not let me take my gems in with me. I put them on the fence hoping they might be there when I leave. They wheren't.
There where tons of people looking for tickets. People offering $150 and a quarter for a ticket. One couple offering sex, with either partner for a ticket. I was beginning to wish I bought three tickets, one to scalp. I paid $50 for mine. If I sold it for $150 and a quarter, I woulda made out good. Oh well.
The parking lot was like a carnival. Tons of people, some of them selling stuff. When I got a little drunk, I was asking everyone if they had anything. That is how I got the oxy, and found the roll for my friend. It was an 80 mg Oxy. I later found out that I got a good deal.
I have never been a big fan of Phish. The concert was ok. I was so gone, so I only vaguely cared about loosing the gem stones. Ihad a small piece of asphalt in my pocket and tried to SI with it. Just made really light scratches. Not even breaking the skin.
I als ogot a hit there. Aproached some guy, and asked for a hit. He gave me one.
I puked later on then got really cold. My friend gave me a shirt and I used it like a blanket.
Then we wandered back, the gems where gone. Damnit. Oh well. The guys working there afterwords told me that the band requested no hard objects or water bottles be allowed in cos people tend to throw them.
Wandered back, saw a lot of people selling Nitrous balloons. They wanted $10 a balloon. I spent everything, and I also thought that was a bit pricey.
I found my car, and got in and waited. It was a huge parking lot, and I got in my car at 11 PM. Slept there till about 2 AM. The parking lot was half cleared out, maybe not even by then.
Then I went to leave. The cops directed us in the opposite way that we wanted to go and I called my dad and he navigated me hoime.
I was still upset about losing my crystals.
A few days later, my mom wanted to take me to Chicago with my brother, cos he was going to visit one of his online friends. We went to Navy Pier after we dropped him off at Amtrack. Went to Beer Gardens, had a margarita. Looked at the shops, and bought some new gems. Bouight a nice piece of Quartz, Rose Quartz, Amethyst, Hemetite a small piece of quartz, and a black bag to carry them in.
Then we went to Capis to eat. It is this italian resturaunt that you order and pay, then they bring it out to you. It was pretty neat. I also had some wine. I was mildly inebriated when I got home. Then I went and hanged out with my friend.
I started to drink quite heavily, to ease this antsy feeling from the Zoloft. I was drunk for almost 4 days straight. My parents where getting worried cos i was drinking so much. Then I started to drink less. Mainly so I would not be hung over for the therapist. Also went to see a doctor about my problems. He thinks I might have an ulcer, or gastritus or maybe IBS or a host of other things. Scheduled a colonoscopy and an endioscopy for me, this Friday.
I also carved a symbol into my stomache that I use in my sorcery. Ihad been thinking about doing it for quite some time. It is turning out quite nicely.
A few days later, I met this girl that my friend said was crazy. Her name was Stephanie H. His girlfriend is Stephanie G. There are a lot of Stephanies.
Went over there, chilled with his dad, who is cool. We all got sloshed. Earler I went over there when she was not home, chilled with her dad and my friend. A cop came looking for a runaway. He told her she might be at a neighbors house. That one slutty girl I think I mentioned earlier. The runaway got kicked out of home, arrested and forced into rehab. She left. We watched as the cops went there. Then another cop car came. Then an ambulance. Then a firetruck. Saw someong being carried out in a strtcher. I later learned that both of them had OD'd on heroin. One of them was in a coma. I know that the slutty girl is ok, not sure about the other.
Somewhere along the line, I went to Chicago again, with one of my brothers former friends. I never much cared for her, but I talked to her a bit. She is nice I decided. In Chicago, I picked up a smoky quartz crystal skull, some polished hematite power magnets, some nag champa, an incense burner and a necklace. I think it is a Mayan necklce. It was a pretty good day. I had a couple of Martinis. Talked to Britney, that being her name a bit.
Anyway, back to Stephanie H. I talked with her quite a bit. She told me that she cut and I showed her the scar tattoo I gave myself. Talked with her for a bit, then my friend had to go get his Girlfriend cos she was attacked by some guy. He burned her with a cigarette. He mentioned this only later.
Then I talked with Stephanie H for a bit, she let me read her diary and take it home to read. Which I did. Reading it made me sad, because she reminded me a lot of some of the shit I went through when I was her age.
She was 15. I took a liking to her, and found myself attracted to her. I was really trashed that night, puked a bit, then her dad said I should crash there til I sober up. So I did. I left at 4 AM and drove home.
Got home, and started flipping out later because I was attracted to Stephanie H. I decided that I was a shitty horrible person for that, so I took out my Exactl knife and started cutting. Made quick deep cuts, deepest I ever did. They are gaping a bit.
I took pictures, as always.
I read Stephanies diary, then brought it back to her. Well, I read about half of it.
Went over there the next day with my friend, hung out, had a good time. Was nice. There where two wooden trunks outside and I wanted them. So I asked Stephanie H and her brother, Dan about them. They said they didn't know what they where for. Then her dad was going to use them as firewood and Stephanie told him I wanted them. When I first opened them, I saw a lot of ear wigs in them. They are nice trunks, and I was wanting to get one, but not wanting to pay a lot. Free is always good.
So I got those ready to bring home later.
Went out to get some alchohol with some people. First to White hen, then to Meijers. My dad borrowed my car, s othat's why we walked to White Hen. Someone else gave me a ride to Meijers.
Kevin said Stephanie H liked me but thought I looked at her too much. I too easily get convinced that people hate me from the slightest criticism. That's a tad borderline, I know.
I showed everyone there my latest SI marks. My friends girlfriend said I shouldn't do that or hate myself. My friend said about the same too. Me and my friend have become quite close.
I walked to my house, got my car, cos otherwise they'd want me to stay, then drove over to the house, loaded the trunks up, then dropped him off home. I asked him if he'd be upset if I committed suicide. I was feeling a bit suicidal. He said he would be quite upset.
I talked to Lise and told her about my SI. I was worried to, cos i thought she said she'd commit suicide if I did, so I was all worried about telling her. But I thought I should. Then she said I should tell my mom. I didn't want to. So she emailed my mom. Then I woke up my mom and told her and why. She was telling me that it is normal and blah blah blah, but I said I have my own standards, and I do not care if they are dellusional or insane or not. I felt I deserved it, and the pain I get from walking is a constant reminder. I have had a lot more self hatreed lately. That I must be tortured and no amount of cutting is ever good enough. I should be tortured and made to die in a slow painful manner because I think I am such a shitty person. *shrug*
Anyway, my mom is going to call my psychiatrist from the hospital and schedule an appointment. My mom is very worried about me, she says. I remember, the last time Icut, I was thinking about slitting my wrists, but decided I didn't want to die just yet, so I slashed my legs instead.
I have also been eating a tad more lately and gained a little. Course my clothes still fit fine. I got some new clothes not too long ago. I like them. My friend was surprised and said for once I do not look like an under cover cop. Heh.
All in all, the past month has been like a roller coaster. Ups and downs, as well as a blissful haze. I have been having trouble sleeping. It is from the Zoloft I am sure. It affects me like amphetamines. It also has a few other annoying side effects I do not want to mention.
I remember when I stopped drinking so much a week or so ago, I remembered why I was drinking. To escape that antsy feeling. God, I hate that.
Anyway, that's the update. Hopefully I will be writing in this more often. So until then, stay tuned.
Then she wanted to talk to my mom. My mom talked to her for a bit, then wanted to take me to the hospital. I was opposed to it, and did not go.
The following morning, Sunday morning, fathers day, we went to church. I hate going to church. Especially since I have been feeling like I was 14 all over again, it was very triggering.
After the church service on the way home, my dad was talking about going for a walk. My mom said don't bring the dog. He asked why not. My mom told him he gets too crazy about her. He said he didn'rt. I said that he always flips out about the dog, complaining and trying to kick the dog when she poops. I said I didn't care, he needed to stop flipping out about it. He said something like "If you are going to live in this house then you will learn to care." I saide "Well, maybe I should kill myself." He said that he'd have me committed. I told him he never cared about me, just his stupid values, and that he hit me and treated me like shit. He denied irt. I told him he didn't love or care about me and that he was a bad father. It escalated, and I demanded to be let out. Eventually he let me out and said I was a bad son. My brother got out of the car with me and wouldn't leave.
I was wanting him to leave, cos I was thinking about going to White Hen, a convenience store chain in the midwest, to get some liquor, maybe a utility knife. Was thinking about making some deep cuts on my stomache.
Well, he refused to leave. So I walked a couple miles, was rubbing against signs and stuff trying to injure myself. I also dug my fingernails in my arm. My mom was calling me and my dad called my brother. I went to a gas station and visited with the guy filling up the fuel resovuars. I felt a little better after that.
Then I went to White hen and just got a can of MGD and a GRUV, which is an alchoholic energy drink. Then we went to Dairy queen and I got a blizzard.
The MGD can was a collectors can with Alice Cooper on it.
Visited a garage sale on the way home, they where packing up for the day already.
Then my mom called, said she'd pick us up. So she picked us up. Said we where going for a drive. I said I wanted more liquor, she said there might be a place to get it.
She brought me to the hospital. I was quite pissed. Thje security officers could not make me go in, they could talk me out of the car. I talked to them, and eventually decided to go in.
I got admitted, talked to a social worker, and the psychiatrist decided that I should stay the night, because I was very depressed and the SI.
So I stayed. I was extremely upset to be in a psych ward. They brought me dinner and I tried to sleep the day away. A nurse came in later to give me Adavan, to help me slee. I took it and got to sleep.
Oh yeah, when I was admitted, they took my clohes and shoes and stuff from my pockets, etc.. Gave me a gown. Then gave me a gown with no strings and pajama pants cos I can't have strings or sharp objects, etc.. etc. so Iwouldn't SI with them.
Later they gave me my clothes back.
I noticed on the gown they gave me, there was a small barb on one of the buttons. I looked at it, and I thought "Hmmm.." and noticed the irony of it all.
The next day, I woke up and talked to the psychiatrist. He proscribed me Zoloft.
That night, my parents visited me. Brought me some clothes, some chips and a drink. Said they where going to take all of the dangerous things out of my room, take everything off the walls, paint the walls, move everything out and carpet the floor. I started to really flip out. I did NOT want them to do that. I was telling them no over and over. They where treying to say how it'd be alright and everything.
They left. Oh, I forgot to mention, they also let you smoke at the hospital, but in certain times, in a special room. The nurse brings out your smoke, and lights it for you.
I talked with a bunch of the other people there.
Anyway, that night, I started to flip out. I was in my room. The bed had movable rails, so Iput my arm through it and forced it down as hard as I could. I was worried I was gonna have a huge bruise cos it made a large mark. It didn't. Only a minor bruise that no one would notice.
Then I took the barb and cut my leg with it a few times. It made ok cuts. Nothing that great though.
Then I went to sleep.
The next day, my parents visited, brought me a pack of smokes, and I talked ot my mom earlier. I told her repeatedly no. She told me she'd just clean the floors, replace my curtains and not do anything else, and she'd take pictures to show me that everything was ok. She said she talked to the social worker and she said she should only do what I say.
So that made me feel relieved.
Lover Girl called me after they left and I talked to her for a couple of hours. That helped me feel better.
Then I went to sleep and the next day came. The psychiatrist asked me if I had any more SI thoughts. I told him yes. He upped my dose of Zoloft to 100 mg.
I noticed a rush from the Zoloft. Then later a very antsy tweaking on edge feeling that was horrible. Then it wouyld taper off later on.
I saw a girl have a fit in the hospital. That was sorta scary. Also talked to some alchoholics that where detoxing.
Also did this thing called Psycho Drama there, where you expose your core issues and do role playing and such. It was fairly intense.
Also did lots of group. Talked to several different social workers and such. Also talked with the staff. Some where interns that where my age.
On Thursday, my parents came over and I talked with my dad about my issues with him. I thought it was sort of pointless. But I guess it wasn't. My dad seemed to be listening. I think that my dad has selective amnesia. It sorta all clicked. He would rage, then claim no memory of it.
I also found a bloddy rag in my room, hidden. I decided that I'd take it when I left. Before I left, I packaged the rag up, and the hospital gown and pants and put them in so they would not see them and bitch about it.
Oh yeah, they also gave us special mouth wash and tooth paste that has no alchohol in it.
Then I got discharged, being in there from Sunday to Friday. I talked to Lover Girl at least 4 times on the phone.
Then, decided that I need to be in a treatment. So first stop was the Alexian Brothers. Stopped at an Italian resturaunt, had a sour apple martini, then went there.
I noticed lots of crucifixes with Jesus on them, I thought it was wierd.
I went to be evaulated. Talked with the person, my mom was in the room volunterring stuff. I eventually kicked her out. I foolishly gave them my entire drug history. Or maybe it was a good idea. Anyway, my mom came back in, was talking, she got kicked out again, etc..
My mom said that I have to go in a treatment plan or find somewhere else to live, because she can't handle worrying that I might severely injure myself or commit suicide because it is a toxic environment at home.
So they came back with their plan for me. Partial hospitilization, mainly Chemical Dependency, and a little SI. Would be every day for a few weeks, like 3 or 4 hours each day. I'd have to not have any drinks, join three CD groups, like AA, NA, etc.. etc.. and lots of breath tests, piss tests, etc.. etc..
I was telling them I'd do no CD. They said I had to. That's the plan. Your options are go to the program or find somewhere to live. I was not impressed. I started flipping out, and was yelling at my mom. I was beginning to think that I might have to tell Lover Girl that I was going to commit suicide because I felt trapped.
Well, eventually we worked it out. My mom decided that would be a bad idea. I called them to tell them not to pre-certify the insurance. Then they called later to say that I was pre-certified. I told them that I wasn't going to do it. The person acted surprised.
The Alexian Brothers is a catholic facility. I only learned that later.
Fuck them. My mom called the social worker from the hospital and she gave her a local therapist that she knows is good. So I went to him. Been going to him a few times a week. He is pretty nice and helps me to work things out a little.
Oh yeah, on Saturday, I went to the Phish concert. I got an Oxy there for $40 and had some beer. I was quite anihilated. My friend I went with got a roll. Then we went in. They would not let me take my gems in with me. I put them on the fence hoping they might be there when I leave. They wheren't.
There where tons of people looking for tickets. People offering $150 and a quarter for a ticket. One couple offering sex, with either partner for a ticket. I was beginning to wish I bought three tickets, one to scalp. I paid $50 for mine. If I sold it for $150 and a quarter, I woulda made out good. Oh well.
The parking lot was like a carnival. Tons of people, some of them selling stuff. When I got a little drunk, I was asking everyone if they had anything. That is how I got the oxy, and found the roll for my friend. It was an 80 mg Oxy. I later found out that I got a good deal.
I have never been a big fan of Phish. The concert was ok. I was so gone, so I only vaguely cared about loosing the gem stones. Ihad a small piece of asphalt in my pocket and tried to SI with it. Just made really light scratches. Not even breaking the skin.
I als ogot a hit there. Aproached some guy, and asked for a hit. He gave me one.
I puked later on then got really cold. My friend gave me a shirt and I used it like a blanket.
Then we wandered back, the gems where gone. Damnit. Oh well. The guys working there afterwords told me that the band requested no hard objects or water bottles be allowed in cos people tend to throw them.
Wandered back, saw a lot of people selling Nitrous balloons. They wanted $10 a balloon. I spent everything, and I also thought that was a bit pricey.
I found my car, and got in and waited. It was a huge parking lot, and I got in my car at 11 PM. Slept there till about 2 AM. The parking lot was half cleared out, maybe not even by then.
Then I went to leave. The cops directed us in the opposite way that we wanted to go and I called my dad and he navigated me hoime.
I was still upset about losing my crystals.
A few days later, my mom wanted to take me to Chicago with my brother, cos he was going to visit one of his online friends. We went to Navy Pier after we dropped him off at Amtrack. Went to Beer Gardens, had a margarita. Looked at the shops, and bought some new gems. Bouight a nice piece of Quartz, Rose Quartz, Amethyst, Hemetite a small piece of quartz, and a black bag to carry them in.
Then we went to Capis to eat. It is this italian resturaunt that you order and pay, then they bring it out to you. It was pretty neat. I also had some wine. I was mildly inebriated when I got home. Then I went and hanged out with my friend.
I started to drink quite heavily, to ease this antsy feeling from the Zoloft. I was drunk for almost 4 days straight. My parents where getting worried cos i was drinking so much. Then I started to drink less. Mainly so I would not be hung over for the therapist. Also went to see a doctor about my problems. He thinks I might have an ulcer, or gastritus or maybe IBS or a host of other things. Scheduled a colonoscopy and an endioscopy for me, this Friday.
I also carved a symbol into my stomache that I use in my sorcery. Ihad been thinking about doing it for quite some time. It is turning out quite nicely.
A few days later, I met this girl that my friend said was crazy. Her name was Stephanie H. His girlfriend is Stephanie G. There are a lot of Stephanies.
Went over there, chilled with his dad, who is cool. We all got sloshed. Earler I went over there when she was not home, chilled with her dad and my friend. A cop came looking for a runaway. He told her she might be at a neighbors house. That one slutty girl I think I mentioned earlier. The runaway got kicked out of home, arrested and forced into rehab. She left. We watched as the cops went there. Then another cop car came. Then an ambulance. Then a firetruck. Saw someong being carried out in a strtcher. I later learned that both of them had OD'd on heroin. One of them was in a coma. I know that the slutty girl is ok, not sure about the other.
Somewhere along the line, I went to Chicago again, with one of my brothers former friends. I never much cared for her, but I talked to her a bit. She is nice I decided. In Chicago, I picked up a smoky quartz crystal skull, some polished hematite power magnets, some nag champa, an incense burner and a necklace. I think it is a Mayan necklce. It was a pretty good day. I had a couple of Martinis. Talked to Britney, that being her name a bit.
Anyway, back to Stephanie H. I talked with her quite a bit. She told me that she cut and I showed her the scar tattoo I gave myself. Talked with her for a bit, then my friend had to go get his Girlfriend cos she was attacked by some guy. He burned her with a cigarette. He mentioned this only later.
Then I talked with Stephanie H for a bit, she let me read her diary and take it home to read. Which I did. Reading it made me sad, because she reminded me a lot of some of the shit I went through when I was her age.
She was 15. I took a liking to her, and found myself attracted to her. I was really trashed that night, puked a bit, then her dad said I should crash there til I sober up. So I did. I left at 4 AM and drove home.
Got home, and started flipping out later because I was attracted to Stephanie H. I decided that I was a shitty horrible person for that, so I took out my Exactl knife and started cutting. Made quick deep cuts, deepest I ever did. They are gaping a bit.
I took pictures, as always.
I read Stephanies diary, then brought it back to her. Well, I read about half of it.
Went over there the next day with my friend, hung out, had a good time. Was nice. There where two wooden trunks outside and I wanted them. So I asked Stephanie H and her brother, Dan about them. They said they didn't know what they where for. Then her dad was going to use them as firewood and Stephanie told him I wanted them. When I first opened them, I saw a lot of ear wigs in them. They are nice trunks, and I was wanting to get one, but not wanting to pay a lot. Free is always good.
So I got those ready to bring home later.
Went out to get some alchohol with some people. First to White hen, then to Meijers. My dad borrowed my car, s othat's why we walked to White Hen. Someone else gave me a ride to Meijers.
Kevin said Stephanie H liked me but thought I looked at her too much. I too easily get convinced that people hate me from the slightest criticism. That's a tad borderline, I know.
I showed everyone there my latest SI marks. My friends girlfriend said I shouldn't do that or hate myself. My friend said about the same too. Me and my friend have become quite close.
I walked to my house, got my car, cos otherwise they'd want me to stay, then drove over to the house, loaded the trunks up, then dropped him off home. I asked him if he'd be upset if I committed suicide. I was feeling a bit suicidal. He said he would be quite upset.
I talked to Lise and told her about my SI. I was worried to, cos i thought she said she'd commit suicide if I did, so I was all worried about telling her. But I thought I should. Then she said I should tell my mom. I didn't want to. So she emailed my mom. Then I woke up my mom and told her and why. She was telling me that it is normal and blah blah blah, but I said I have my own standards, and I do not care if they are dellusional or insane or not. I felt I deserved it, and the pain I get from walking is a constant reminder. I have had a lot more self hatreed lately. That I must be tortured and no amount of cutting is ever good enough. I should be tortured and made to die in a slow painful manner because I think I am such a shitty person. *shrug*
Anyway, my mom is going to call my psychiatrist from the hospital and schedule an appointment. My mom is very worried about me, she says. I remember, the last time Icut, I was thinking about slitting my wrists, but decided I didn't want to die just yet, so I slashed my legs instead.
I have also been eating a tad more lately and gained a little. Course my clothes still fit fine. I got some new clothes not too long ago. I like them. My friend was surprised and said for once I do not look like an under cover cop. Heh.
All in all, the past month has been like a roller coaster. Ups and downs, as well as a blissful haze. I have been having trouble sleeping. It is from the Zoloft I am sure. It affects me like amphetamines. It also has a few other annoying side effects I do not want to mention.
I remember when I stopped drinking so much a week or so ago, I remembered why I was drinking. To escape that antsy feeling. God, I hate that.
Anyway, that's the update. Hopefully I will be writing in this more often. So until then, stay tuned.