I want to be a local newspaper reporter
Speed-ophile
By Johnny Staffwriter
If you’re looking for a fun family night out, look no further than the local dirt-bike races in Peterborough. Caution is thrown to the wind five nights a week at the Speedway, where high-powered motocross bikes tear around the circuit, sending mud and smoke flying. Here, it seems, the noisiest bike is often the favourite with the fans, regardless of its final position in the race (which is difficult to determine). Dan Shitt, 23, has been racing here since his early teens, trying to recapture the thrill of his former heroin habit, which he left behind at the age of ten after a troubled childhood in the circus. Still known in the sport as ‘Lobster boy’, this four-fingered dirt devil races every night he can, perhaps trying to outrun the demons of his past.
“It’s a difficult job, mostly because of the terrain,” says Shitt, “the loose nature of the mud, combined with high speeds and rapid turns, can make safe riding quite difficult at times. You also have to watch the other riders- I don’t want to name names, but often some of the guys will drive at least 5-10mph above the 20mph speed limit clearly indicated in the car park, which can be dangerous for themselves and others if you are less than vigilant.”
Shitt seems to be the typical speedway racer on the outside- few of his own teeth, too much Argos jewellery and a staggeringly low IQ; but on the inside it’s a different story- each cell of Shitt’s body contains a special genetic code that marks him out not just from other riders, but every other human being on the planet. The raceway golden boy is typically modest when asked about this,
“I suppose I have always known, deep down, that I was different. The first clue came when I was put in a cage at the circus and billed as a ‘freak’. It was upsetting at the start, but I soon realised that the people who came to see me, or spit on me, or beat me, did not hate me because of who I was- they were just scared of something they didn’t understand. I feel sorry for them really- I’m proud to be different. They’re all the same, with their opposable thumbs and bog-standard skeletal system, but I’m unique- there’s only one of me. There would have been two, but it was ruled a breach of human rights to keep the foetus alive. I guess I’m just lucky.”
But these unique ‘gifts’ do come with a down side- he has to spend four hours every day totally submerged in raw sewage, or his immune system begins to break down.
“Everyone’s got their cross to bear, so I’m not going to complain. It’s a small price to pay for the talents that I have. As long as I can give the good people of Speedway a thrilling night, it’s all worth it.”
His fans certainly agree-
“Shitt? He’s rubbish” Kylee, 27
“The worst thing in Speedway since Blind Billy ‘No-Legs’ McGee” Shane, 43
“At first he was quite funny, but now it’s just sad” Shawnee, 17
“This horrific monster is what happens when you deny Jesus” Lynne, 58
By Johnny Staffwriter
If you’re looking for a fun family night out, look no further than the local dirt-bike races in Peterborough. Caution is thrown to the wind five nights a week at the Speedway, where high-powered motocross bikes tear around the circuit, sending mud and smoke flying. Here, it seems, the noisiest bike is often the favourite with the fans, regardless of its final position in the race (which is difficult to determine). Dan Shitt, 23, has been racing here since his early teens, trying to recapture the thrill of his former heroin habit, which he left behind at the age of ten after a troubled childhood in the circus. Still known in the sport as ‘Lobster boy’, this four-fingered dirt devil races every night he can, perhaps trying to outrun the demons of his past.
“It’s a difficult job, mostly because of the terrain,” says Shitt, “the loose nature of the mud, combined with high speeds and rapid turns, can make safe riding quite difficult at times. You also have to watch the other riders- I don’t want to name names, but often some of the guys will drive at least 5-10mph above the 20mph speed limit clearly indicated in the car park, which can be dangerous for themselves and others if you are less than vigilant.”
Shitt seems to be the typical speedway racer on the outside- few of his own teeth, too much Argos jewellery and a staggeringly low IQ; but on the inside it’s a different story- each cell of Shitt’s body contains a special genetic code that marks him out not just from other riders, but every other human being on the planet. The raceway golden boy is typically modest when asked about this,
“I suppose I have always known, deep down, that I was different. The first clue came when I was put in a cage at the circus and billed as a ‘freak’. It was upsetting at the start, but I soon realised that the people who came to see me, or spit on me, or beat me, did not hate me because of who I was- they were just scared of something they didn’t understand. I feel sorry for them really- I’m proud to be different. They’re all the same, with their opposable thumbs and bog-standard skeletal system, but I’m unique- there’s only one of me. There would have been two, but it was ruled a breach of human rights to keep the foetus alive. I guess I’m just lucky.”
But these unique ‘gifts’ do come with a down side- he has to spend four hours every day totally submerged in raw sewage, or his immune system begins to break down.
“Everyone’s got their cross to bear, so I’m not going to complain. It’s a small price to pay for the talents that I have. As long as I can give the good people of Speedway a thrilling night, it’s all worth it.”
His fans certainly agree-
“Shitt? He’s rubbish” Kylee, 27
“The worst thing in Speedway since Blind Billy ‘No-Legs’ McGee” Shane, 43
“At first he was quite funny, but now it’s just sad” Shawnee, 17
“This horrific monster is what happens when you deny Jesus” Lynne, 58