it's cold outside.
an incredible emotion is formed where there is no one guilty, supressed or forced: pure enjoyment of each other's genuine company. i love nites like these. random yet carefree, perfect plans./// summer has been okay for me, not that i know what to expect since i've only graduated once and have been broken free from a 12 year cage that ironically ties you down mentally. i am legal, legit and i have only my own power to use and do whatever the fuck i want. its rather liberating, if only i had something productive to do with it. but for now i will spend my days doing absolutely nothing. i will get up around 10 am, do pilates, beg brendon to wake up, go somewhere, stop by the atm one to many times, enjoy the crisp air in some form- it being a drive, a walk, the beach, and wait for the sun to fall and find something else to do./// the other day i had my first anxiety attack. kind of serious and rather embarrassing because i associate it with weakness and loss of control. i consider myself to be a calm and rational person. at first i got really hot and thirsty, then i was on the verge of hot tears and couldn't control my breathing. through this mess my mother is going on about something- with that voice that makes me cringe so shutting the door in her face didn't work. then she comes in and sees me heaving and crying and says what is it, take deep breaths and the golden words: "Nothing is ever too terrible." Thoughts run through my mind, thinking oh god she thinks im going crazy or that i'm pregnant or whatever absurd thing she could come up with. then it clicks and i realize, life is beautiful. i calm down, come down from the overwhelming peak of stress and just relax. i have a lot to be thankful for. i am young and i am confident with so much potential. i am able to enjoy my days in relaxation and peace. i have a warm bed and a full belly every night. i have a boy who loves me for me and thinks i am the most beautiful being to cross his path. i have a couple of friends, near and far who would allow me to share anything with, to dwell in my sorrows and share my happiness. i've felt pain in the worst ways but my own passion and strength is what i've used to get over it. i have a father who is out of my reach yet reassures me everyday through emails that i will do just fine. and most of all, i have a mom with a warm washcloth to wipe my tears away. it really was a captivating moment, because for a minute, i lost all meaning. it was amazing to feel it rush back to my memory so fast.
this is way off topic, but i feel like i should surrender to the masses and admit that i love ashlee simpson. indeed i do. suzie- start burning, now! :)