Since my life is an open book for you any way.
It's been a while since I've poured my thoughts into this sheet of white and black lettered text. It's been a while since I've poured out my mind and had someone really see me for who I am. My entire life is a joke to some people, and to some, my life is as precious as air. I can't see the importance or significance in my life living or not. Nor can I see the significance in making everything about my life a joke and a way of entertainment.
It never fails to amaze me how powerful things like hate and spite can be. A feeling so overwhelming you don't care who you hurt, or why you hurt them--you just wanted to get them back. It's beyond me how some people can hurt others without even having that thought of revenge in their mind. Just to mock someone out of pure pleasure. To reap joy from their pain and tears. I grew up with people wanting to do this. Wanting to hurt me. Constantly.
I never understood it.
When does a person reach their breaking point? Trial after trial and struggle after struggle. When will the test of life end? I've been put through having to go experience everything in life-- friendless, and loveless. I've been raped, beaten, cheated on, molested, abused in every single possible way and to make it all the worse I had to go through all of it by myself. I had no fucking friend to hold my hand or have my back. I had no fucking friend to invite over or call on the phone. To add on to the countless bullshit in my life I had to deal with people from my schools and neighborhood constantly picking on me. As if I already didn't feel like a worthless piece of trash people have constantly shit on. They didn't know the struggles I had to work through. They didn't know how suicidal and depressed I had been/was/am. They didn't know about the days when I would curl myself against the wall and talk to myself as I cut through my arm like butter. They didn't know.... but what about the one's who did? What about the one's who knew your pain and used every level of it like ammo against you? These people smile from every tear you shed.
I always knew it would be someone I loved that would kill me. Ironic how I always knew something like that would be my greatest downfall. You point your fingers at me and accuse me of selfishness and lack of caring. I can only open my arms and surrender in defeat as the mud meets my face. The only concious thought swimming through my overcharged mind is "You never knew. You never knew." I care too much. I never wanted your sympathy or pity, I only wanted someone to care. There's a huge fucking difference and if you don't know it by now then you have no bussiness considering yourself human.
My entire life was placed on display for anyone and everyone. My entire life was placed on display and mocked. How would you feel if you were naked apon a stage while being bent over and exposed? How would you feel if fingers pointed out every flaw and every embarrassment? How would you fucking feel? It took me so fucking much to even like who i am and be proud of what little I am. I used to be so much worse. I used to care nothing for myself and I wanted to die. I felt that way because of people like you. People who got enjoyment from seeing me break apart. What little I've struggled to get was completely broken and laughed at. Years of working up to what little I had accomplished by MYSELF and it was destroyed in a matter of fucking seconds. Does it make you feel good? Does it make you feel satisfied? If you were looking to hurt me, to tear me down, to call me names and talk all the shit about me.. WELL YOU WON. I don't want it. I don't want any of it. You won okay? You beat me. You destroyed me. You broke me. You can't break me any further without making me mad.. Without making me go to a mental insitution. Is that what you want? I'm not so far from heading there.
I mean, how does it really feel to be the world's most hated person? I don't think I'm anything close to being the world's most.. but sometimes it sure feels like it. Tara, Liz, JD, Steven, Kyle, Ella, Heather, Dusty, Julie, Charles, .. God, there's so many fuckng people out there that have this concept of me and who I am. They think they have me all figured out. They think I ache for the attention and sympathy and I love to fuck with people's lives. What better way to drain out boredom from my life, but by fucking with people's lives and hurting them like they all hurt me? Right? I mean, I just sit in my room all day and plot out what new Dawson's creek episode I can recreate. Is that what you really think I'm about?!
It's so fucking easy for you to say "get over it" and "it was all in the past and this is now" what you fucking ASSHOLES refuse to fucking see is that it's not over. It's not just in the past. I can't get over something that happens to me everyday. EVERYDAY someone like you tries to break me down. Hurt me. It's so much fun to hurt Terra and call her names. It's so much fun to make her into a slut, or the drama queen. It's daily routine that someone has to say something about me because apparently they know my whole fucking life and what I'm all about. Terra's the piece of shit that we can walk all over, constantly use, bitch at, use for the 'backup', and toss out whenever we feel like it. Terra is the used condom. The joke we talk about to make our friends laugh. Terra is the thing you get your amusement from. And if she ever cries, or tries to defend herself then she needs to shut her fucking mouth and quit bitching. She needs to toughen up. NEWS FLASH YOU fucking PIECES OF SHIT. I shouldn't have to toughen myself up so you can keep talking all the shit you want about me or to me.
I wonder if it ever occured to any of these other people that I don't spend my days plotting new fucked up things to do to people. I wonder if these people realize that outside of their existance and life is my own. I have feelings, thoughts, and emotions all on my own and everyday I cry and cut and bleed like the rest of you. Just like you, I get upset about things in my life and just like you I feel helpless and hurt. Just like you I get lonely and ache for something real.
I know all of you (livejournal friends) see most of this side that is unhappy and angry. You constantly see this side of me that is unhappy, angry and ranting. Did it ever occur to any of you that this journal isn't my everyday life? It's just the outlet I use when I get overwhelemed and upset. I don't have great friends to turn and talk to. I don't have my parents or anyone irl. I didn't even have a S.O. So, if you never liked my overemotional, ranting drama then why didn't you just remove yourself from my life? Why didn't you save all the drama in the world and just say "You make me angry and I dont want anything to do with you" to begin with?
How fucked up is that for someone, or even anyone, to point their fucking finger and mock me? Someone who doesn't even fucking know me and they point their fucking finger at me and with pleasure taunt and mock me? They like seeing me break down a little more. They are all laughing with amusement when I cry and slice my arm and my body. The fact I nearly broke to pieces had them soaring. To me, that's as sadistic as "Silence of the lambs" or the Rapist who takes his pleasure by force. What's even worse is when you pretend to be my friend, while really mocking me and helping all the other sadistic assholes break me apart. You really are my judas.
The really fucked up part is that you fucking assholes nearly won. I snapped so hard. My chest didn't cave in and I didn't just cry about it. I blanked out. My eyes grew wide and I felt like someone stabbed me with a hook. My jaw went slack and I started laughing unconctrollably. It's the strangest feeling to shed tears, laugh uncontrollably, and hardly be able to breathe. Like you care so much that you can't care at all. You give up. On everything. On life. You don't care one fucking bit wether you die or live. Infact, You'd prefur if someone just shot you right there to put you out of the misery. I started ranting and crying. I don't even remember half of what i said, or anything that happened that week. All I remember was the thoughts that shot through my mind. Like my mind was being electricuted. Short-circuted. It hurt so bad.
How can the ones you love hurt you the most? How could the people you love want to hurt you the most. Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod.
I don't trust any one at all. I don't trust you when you tell me you had nothing to do with it. How can i believe you? Would you believe it if you had gone through a mind-fuck? Again, I'm left alone to scramble what pieces are left of me and try to put myself back together.
The really sad part of it, is that I have figured the meaning of life. I have figured something out that not even people my grandmother's age have figured out. We aren't really looking for the thing that fills our void. We aren't looking for a way to fill the void, or what it is we need to fill the void. We are filling that void everyday by living life. We are filling the void by answering our own life's questions just by waking up and trying in this piece of shit world. The void isn't love, or romance, or making our dreams come true. Our fucking lives are counted by the fact of how hard we tried to be the better person, not how far we got. It's your concious choice. That's the fucking mystery ladies and gentleman.
You'd be surprised of the things you think about when you really snap.
It never fails to amaze me how powerful things like hate and spite can be. A feeling so overwhelming you don't care who you hurt, or why you hurt them--you just wanted to get them back. It's beyond me how some people can hurt others without even having that thought of revenge in their mind. Just to mock someone out of pure pleasure. To reap joy from their pain and tears. I grew up with people wanting to do this. Wanting to hurt me. Constantly.
I never understood it.
When does a person reach their breaking point? Trial after trial and struggle after struggle. When will the test of life end? I've been put through having to go experience everything in life-- friendless, and loveless. I've been raped, beaten, cheated on, molested, abused in every single possible way and to make it all the worse I had to go through all of it by myself. I had no fucking friend to hold my hand or have my back. I had no fucking friend to invite over or call on the phone. To add on to the countless bullshit in my life I had to deal with people from my schools and neighborhood constantly picking on me. As if I already didn't feel like a worthless piece of trash people have constantly shit on. They didn't know the struggles I had to work through. They didn't know how suicidal and depressed I had been/was/am. They didn't know about the days when I would curl myself against the wall and talk to myself as I cut through my arm like butter. They didn't know.... but what about the one's who did? What about the one's who knew your pain and used every level of it like ammo against you? These people smile from every tear you shed.
I always knew it would be someone I loved that would kill me. Ironic how I always knew something like that would be my greatest downfall. You point your fingers at me and accuse me of selfishness and lack of caring. I can only open my arms and surrender in defeat as the mud meets my face. The only concious thought swimming through my overcharged mind is "You never knew. You never knew." I care too much. I never wanted your sympathy or pity, I only wanted someone to care. There's a huge fucking difference and if you don't know it by now then you have no bussiness considering yourself human.
My entire life was placed on display for anyone and everyone. My entire life was placed on display and mocked. How would you feel if you were naked apon a stage while being bent over and exposed? How would you feel if fingers pointed out every flaw and every embarrassment? How would you fucking feel? It took me so fucking much to even like who i am and be proud of what little I am. I used to be so much worse. I used to care nothing for myself and I wanted to die. I felt that way because of people like you. People who got enjoyment from seeing me break apart. What little I've struggled to get was completely broken and laughed at. Years of working up to what little I had accomplished by MYSELF and it was destroyed in a matter of fucking seconds. Does it make you feel good? Does it make you feel satisfied? If you were looking to hurt me, to tear me down, to call me names and talk all the shit about me.. WELL YOU WON. I don't want it. I don't want any of it. You won okay? You beat me. You destroyed me. You broke me. You can't break me any further without making me mad.. Without making me go to a mental insitution. Is that what you want? I'm not so far from heading there.
I mean, how does it really feel to be the world's most hated person? I don't think I'm anything close to being the world's most.. but sometimes it sure feels like it. Tara, Liz, JD, Steven, Kyle, Ella, Heather, Dusty, Julie, Charles, .. God, there's so many fuckng people out there that have this concept of me and who I am. They think they have me all figured out. They think I ache for the attention and sympathy and I love to fuck with people's lives. What better way to drain out boredom from my life, but by fucking with people's lives and hurting them like they all hurt me? Right? I mean, I just sit in my room all day and plot out what new Dawson's creek episode I can recreate. Is that what you really think I'm about?!
It's so fucking easy for you to say "get over it" and "it was all in the past and this is now" what you fucking ASSHOLES refuse to fucking see is that it's not over. It's not just in the past. I can't get over something that happens to me everyday. EVERYDAY someone like you tries to break me down. Hurt me. It's so much fun to hurt Terra and call her names. It's so much fun to make her into a slut, or the drama queen. It's daily routine that someone has to say something about me because apparently they know my whole fucking life and what I'm all about. Terra's the piece of shit that we can walk all over, constantly use, bitch at, use for the 'backup', and toss out whenever we feel like it. Terra is the used condom. The joke we talk about to make our friends laugh. Terra is the thing you get your amusement from. And if she ever cries, or tries to defend herself then she needs to shut her fucking mouth and quit bitching. She needs to toughen up. NEWS FLASH YOU fucking PIECES OF SHIT. I shouldn't have to toughen myself up so you can keep talking all the shit you want about me or to me.
I wonder if it ever occured to any of these other people that I don't spend my days plotting new fucked up things to do to people. I wonder if these people realize that outside of their existance and life is my own. I have feelings, thoughts, and emotions all on my own and everyday I cry and cut and bleed like the rest of you. Just like you, I get upset about things in my life and just like you I feel helpless and hurt. Just like you I get lonely and ache for something real.
I know all of you (livejournal friends) see most of this side that is unhappy and angry. You constantly see this side of me that is unhappy, angry and ranting. Did it ever occur to any of you that this journal isn't my everyday life? It's just the outlet I use when I get overwhelemed and upset. I don't have great friends to turn and talk to. I don't have my parents or anyone irl. I didn't even have a S.O. So, if you never liked my overemotional, ranting drama then why didn't you just remove yourself from my life? Why didn't you save all the drama in the world and just say "You make me angry and I dont want anything to do with you" to begin with?
How fucked up is that for someone, or even anyone, to point their fucking finger and mock me? Someone who doesn't even fucking know me and they point their fucking finger at me and with pleasure taunt and mock me? They like seeing me break down a little more. They are all laughing with amusement when I cry and slice my arm and my body. The fact I nearly broke to pieces had them soaring. To me, that's as sadistic as "Silence of the lambs" or the Rapist who takes his pleasure by force. What's even worse is when you pretend to be my friend, while really mocking me and helping all the other sadistic assholes break me apart. You really are my judas.
The really fucked up part is that you fucking assholes nearly won. I snapped so hard. My chest didn't cave in and I didn't just cry about it. I blanked out. My eyes grew wide and I felt like someone stabbed me with a hook. My jaw went slack and I started laughing unconctrollably. It's the strangest feeling to shed tears, laugh uncontrollably, and hardly be able to breathe. Like you care so much that you can't care at all. You give up. On everything. On life. You don't care one fucking bit wether you die or live. Infact, You'd prefur if someone just shot you right there to put you out of the misery. I started ranting and crying. I don't even remember half of what i said, or anything that happened that week. All I remember was the thoughts that shot through my mind. Like my mind was being electricuted. Short-circuted. It hurt so bad.
How can the ones you love hurt you the most? How could the people you love want to hurt you the most. Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod.
I don't trust any one at all. I don't trust you when you tell me you had nothing to do with it. How can i believe you? Would you believe it if you had gone through a mind-fuck? Again, I'm left alone to scramble what pieces are left of me and try to put myself back together.
The really sad part of it, is that I have figured the meaning of life. I have figured something out that not even people my grandmother's age have figured out. We aren't really looking for the thing that fills our void. We aren't looking for a way to fill the void, or what it is we need to fill the void. We are filling that void everyday by living life. We are filling the void by answering our own life's questions just by waking up and trying in this piece of shit world. The void isn't love, or romance, or making our dreams come true. Our fucking lives are counted by the fact of how hard we tried to be the better person, not how far we got. It's your concious choice. That's the fucking mystery ladies and gentleman.
You'd be surprised of the things you think about when you really snap.